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I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but ... I think I want to be a SAHM

58 replies

fisil · 24/02/2006 09:24

The thing is, I love my work. I would do it without pay if I could live too! But I also love my sons. And I ache. I physically ache for them during the day sometimes.

They are very happy at nursery, and I am very happy at work. I bring home nothing (c. £60 a week after childcare), so financially it wouldn't be an issue.

The issue is, would I go mad? When I was home with ds1 (until he was 8 months) I ended up having counselling because I was so unhappy and bored and frustrated. The moment I went back to work I felt better. Since then I have suffered from depression again (when I was pg with ds2) and am now successfully on ADs.

So please tell me successful stories - well, the truth is what I really want - about career women turning into happy and fulfilled SAHMs!

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Enif · 24/02/2006 09:27

i'll tell you in a few months when on maternity leave!

can you go part time? I felt depressed at home with the kids and working part time has been fabby - given me back a lot of self confidence.

suzywong · 24/02/2006 09:28

No you wouldn't go mad
Once you get into it and surrender to it, it's a pretty good life. Autnomy, total involvement are two of the plus points.

And you've always got MN

fisil · 24/02/2006 09:32

I currently work 4 days a week, and have a day at home without the boys just catching up. I had considered going back to 3 days a week, but we lose 2 discounts at nursery and so I end up bringing in less than £50 a month. And when you consider commuting costs and suits, it's just silly.

suzy - it is interesting you say that. When I was on mat leave with ds1 I was still very ambitious (which I just am not now, I go to work to enjoy, not to prove myself these days), and I knew it would end so I didn't bother getting involved in things. I was wondering if I "surrender" to it like you say then things would be better.

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lockets · 24/02/2006 09:34

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suzywong · 24/02/2006 09:37

It does cut out all the crap if one approaches it from that angle. doesn't mean you have to become a Stepford Wife/Mumsy/Dullard with no brain, just means you aren't constantly worrying if you've done the right thing, no splitting yourself in two, no worrying what you're missing out on over the other side of the fence.

fisil · 24/02/2006 09:38

lockets - I'm glad you came on this thread. My colleagues speak very highly about you in your tough school too - so I know how true what you're saying is. And yes, you're right. I know wonderful people like you who I just don't see. And there are loads more too. You know my thread earlier this week about the lovely lady in Tescos? That was kind of fuelled by these thoughts too - that there are so many great mums and children around, and I am just chasing my backside and too busy to enjoy my children at such a precious stage.

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suzywong · 24/02/2006 09:39

yes very good point lockets, you need a good buddy on the same wavelength with similar aged kids. Very very important to keep you happy.

for example, this afternoon I picked ds1 up from pre-primary and suggested to my buddy that we all hop in my car (4 kids in total) and drive down to the harbour to see the QE2 which is in town. And I knew she'd be up for it and we all ate icecreams and had a great time and just enjoyed the moment, you need to be able to enjoy the moment as there is no continual assessment or skills appraisal or promotion.

emmatom · 24/02/2006 09:41

I love it. I've gone from a mad career woman, working all hours to a SAHM.

I don't miss the commuting, the politics, the idiots, the stress, the working week, the time not to enjoy my house and home, the lack of time to do simple pleasure.

I now love my freedom, my flexibility, my new social life, my house on a cosy winters day when i can choose to curl up with a book or have a bath in the middle of the day, my garden on a summers afternoon when I can stretch out on the lawn and doze, the shopping trips with friends, being able to let the kids stay home when poorly without having to frantically organise things, having tea prepared so when the kids come home there's no madness and we can sit and chat.

I did have a full on career for many years though, so have done all I set out to do, so when I did stay at home, I didn't have any frustrations. For me it was a case of been there, done that, don't want to do it any more.

I realise it could be completely different if you were a shyer person or someone who hadn't had the chance to make many friends near home. I did make the effort when my kids were very young, to meet and talk with other mums and from a wide circle of acquaintances have narrowed it down over the years to a small group of good friends who I can meet with and talk to on a daily basis if I want. So never lonely, but nice to have the choice of being alone if I want to.

I've never regretted it and can always look back and know I've not missed any of my kids growing up. Once that's gone, you can never get it back and it does go so bloomin' quickly.

fisil · 24/02/2006 09:48

suzy - you are so right about those spontaneous things. That's what I really feel I am missing out on. And the children will only be young once.

lockets - were you the type of sad case like me who read the TES every week and got excited about educational texts? I'm just wondering what would happen. Would I cancel my TES subscription. Would I suddenly never want to read Ted Wragg or Shirley Clarke again? It just seems impossible to me. Education has been my life for so long!

Emmatom - that is very interesting. I am certainly not a shy person, I have a lot of people who I would love to see but just never get to. And I love shopping properly and talking to people you meet and shop keepers, rather than running into the supermarket after the children are in bed - and I think its an important thing for the children to do too. Mine are younger than yours, though. Ds1 would be able to go to nursery half days, but Ds2 would be with me constantly.

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lockets · 24/02/2006 09:49

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emmatom · 24/02/2006 09:52

Fast forward Fisil to when your kids are much older and you are nearing retirement or whatever.

Do you want to look back and think 'I'm so glad I spent all that time at work' or do you want to be thinking 'I'm so glad I had all that time for me and the children'.

Whatever you think, we only have one life my friend, just make sure you end up with no regrets at the end of it.

(You can always keep in touch with your previous life through trade suscriptions etc and colleagues, but you will find they become less important and you end up enjoying reading about your old interests but glad you don't have to be in the thick of it anymore).

Hope you make the right decision for you.

cod · 24/02/2006 09:53

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lockets · 24/02/2006 09:55

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suzywong · 24/02/2006 09:55

Can I just say how nice and supportive this thread is and that it is not intended in any way shape or form to put the noses of Full time employed mothers out of joint. Honestly.

IMHO You are so right emmatom, can't empathise so much wiht Lockets as I never had that kind of career pre kids.

fisil · 24/02/2006 09:55

read my first post, oh great fishy one. I do love my work. That's the problem. In an ideal world I would do both - be a full time SAHM AND do my job! In fact that other thread has got me thinking about this even more.

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cod · 24/02/2006 09:56

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Hazellnut · 24/02/2006 09:56

I gave up a career - although to be honest, I didn't love it but always liked being a 'professional' IYSWIM so wondered how it would work once I gave up. Am now just over a year into being a SAHM and I love it. Although last week I didn't have much on as it was half term and I realised it would do my head in if I didn't have lots to do all the time. So, if you decide to do it have lots of entertaining things lined up to fill your time !!

You must live nearish to me too if you're near Lockets as I think she is nearish me (from what SL has said LOckets).

fisil · 24/02/2006 09:57

but cod, I am a strategy consultant, so assessment and levels and jargon are my very life blood

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Beetroot · 24/02/2006 09:58

I think you would go mad. Is there an option to work part time?

cod · 24/02/2006 09:59

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fisil · 24/02/2006 09:59
Smile
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lockets · 24/02/2006 10:00

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fisil · 24/02/2006 10:02

yes she does. Just in the next room to me. I like her.

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lockets · 24/02/2006 10:04

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saadia · 24/02/2006 10:04

I have been SAHM for just over four years and I love the fact that the kids and I can have time to get bored together, if that makes sense. That means that we end up thinking up new games/in-jokes/ and just having a laugh basically in a very relaxed atmosphere.

I really do enjoy my children, even when they're playing up, being naughty etc and I'm getting more and more wound-up, part of me also enjoys the fact that I'm experiencing that and I'm hopeful that when I look back this time will be a very precious memory.

Even now when I think back to ds's babyhood (he's 4) I only remember the good bits, even though at the time I know I was stressed.