I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but ... I think I want to be a SAHM

[fisil]

The thing is, I love my work. I would do it without pay if I could live too! But I also love my sons. And I ache. I physically ache for them during the day sometimes.

They are very happy at nursery, and I am very happy at work. I bring home nothing (c. £60 a week after childcare), so financially it wouldn't be an issue.

The issue is, would I go mad? When I was home with ds1 (until he was 8 months) I ended up having counselling because I was so unhappy and bored and frustrated. The moment I went back to work I felt better. Since then I have suffered from depression again (when I was pg with ds2) and am now successfully on ADs.

So please tell me successful stories - well, the truth is what I really want - about career women turning into happy and fulfilled SAHMs!

how old are your kids? are they nearly school age?

Have you thought through any reasons why you wouldn't get frustrated or unhappy like you did before?

I think if you love your job and work reasonable hours, I would stick it out. Why give up something you love? If it was driving you mad and you were working all the hours god gives then I could see why but not if it is something you really enjoy and can still maintain some sort of work/life balance.

Fisil, is there any way you could work part time or do some work from home? If you like your work it would be nice to have the best of both worlds wouldn't it?

fis - I think the reasons why I wouldn't feel like I did before are: a) I am not really into babies cos they don't do much - my HV always said that it would suit me better to work while ds was a baby and have mat leave when he was a toddler! So now ds2 is crawling and playing games I'd enjoy their company b) As I said, I didn't get involved in groups and with friends before because I knew it was only temporary until I went back to work, whereas if it was my life ... c) because there are two of them now it is much more interesting

www - I do work part time, and might cut my hours more, but if I did we would be worse off financially than if I quit. No hope of home work, my employers won't allow it (although I am this morning while waiting for a mechanic, and I do have a request in through occupational health for occassional home working, although I've been told not to get my hopes up)

I hope you didn't think I was having a go - I just wanted to make sure you had thought through why you got unhappy/frustrated beforehand.

I enjoy being at home with my kids but I do miss work and I want to return this year (unfortunately, another minor health issue with dd has cropped up and I need to sort that out first). It is fun spending time with them but I really feel that I need something to stimulate my brain.

Seeing friends and going out to groups is great and you will have a fantastic time with them but I was only asking about what happened before because I think that if you felt unhappy/frustrated because you didn't feel fulfilled then it's possible the same would happen again.

no, I didn't think you were having a go at all. I think it is very important to think through like that. And it is important (imo) to go on evidence like that, rather than hunches. But you're right, I just don't know whether I will feel the same again. I am thinking of taking 2 weeks leave and keeping the boys out of nursery for two weeks - like they do on that TV prog - to give myself tangible evidence!

Hope I'm not putting a downer on you!

I think if you really want to try it then you should but I would keep a finger in at work, if you can, just in case it doesn't work out. Even if this means just meeting your old colleagues/boss for lunch every now and then so that your face is familiar so that if you ever do feel that things aren't going well, you would hopefully find it easier to get a foot back in the door.

i gave up my career too - miss it but only in the sense of the actual 'work' bit, and the social side, but dont miss the politics, travelling, and all other negative points (there are hundreds)

money was not an issue with me, my wages covered childcare.

it is important to find a different social scene (could be othere sahm's) or you get cabin fever being inside playing barbie and puzzles all day. oh and cbeebies driving you bonkers.

the way i look at it now is this is my job, and i try and work pretty damn hard at it.

one thing i cant stop worrying about though is long term, i dont have a pension, dont pay national insurance (keep getting differing info on that) so will i be entitled to a state pension? what do i when they are at school? etc etc etc

fisil, although I certainly didn't have a career pre kids, I had worked for over 15 years before I had my first child.

Being an SAHM was a complete novelty for me. I got to know my local area (shops, neighbours,parks) and some local mums via the baby & toddler group. A whole new aspect of life was opened up to me which I never knew existed!

I think Suzywong and Lockets have given v. good advice - sounds to me like you've got some things in place for life as as SAHM already

Good luck

Fisil, my vote, for what it's worth is go for SAHM life. I'm like you, not really into babies, but now dd1 is 2.5 and waiting for dd2 to arrive in next few weeks it's NOT like being on mat leave with just dd1 as a baby. We're having a fab time and I've been off since Xmas and novelty hasn't yet worn off.

Home life is better too because I've got so much more time on my hands I'm chilled about shopping and cooking and all that stuff and don't have to moan at weekends for dh to do more! Emergency list of friends for coffee is a good idea, especically when the weather's grotty and you don't want to go out but going stir crazy at home.

fisil, to anyone else who wanted to be a SAHM, I would say go for it, but given that you feel better when you are at work, it is tricky.
Do you think that now your children are a bit older you might enjoy being at home with them more?
I fall into the can't stay at home because it drives me bonkers category. (I did try, I was made redundant and was out of work for 6 months - nearly went insane.) I have to work part-time now because I'm on my own but even if I wasn't I'd still work. For me, I am a nicer, kinder, more patient mummy because I do work.
I think you need to think about what you would do every day if you were at home. If you had activities organised for each day and a structure in place, do you think you would feel less bored & frustrated?
Is there any way you could cut right down to say two days a week working?

I gave up work just over a year ago and I love being at home, haven't regretted it for a second.

I loved my career pre dd but I went back to a different job after mat leave (my choice) and wasn't enjoying it and we could manage without my money so giving up was a no brainer for me.

The stress of juggling a baby and a job has melted away and I laugh about a million times more than I ever did at work. True being a SAHM is not perfect but it's closer to it than work ever was.

There's some really good advice on here about needing some friends around. I'm still in touch with my antenatal class and met another local Mum on netmums. One of my friends also advised me to structure my week with classes etc for dd as it gives you a timetable, keeps you occupied and give s you the chance to meet other people.

Hope you figure things out.

Fisil, you sound like you're trying to convince us you should be a SAHM . I think on that basis alone you should deffo go for it.

If you are a sociable person and happy to get out and about every day, you will meet plenty of nice peeps.

I don't regret giving up my career (as a lawyer, which was a PITA sometimes but as someone else on this thread said, having that sort of job was a big part of my identity), and of course tinies just get more and more interesting as they get older (ds is now 16mo and it's much more fun than when he smaller).

You will have a fab time, promise .

I work full time, am successful and enjoy my job, but Id give it up like a shot if I could afford to be a SAHM and make a new career in home-making, cooking, gardening, jam-making..... just thinking about it...

poo

give it up

you can go back to work in a few years and love it again

but you can't go back to having little ones in the house

I did it 3 years ago .. thought I'd be tearing off limbs to get back to my fulfilling and well-paid career

now, who gives a f'? .. don't miss it .. but would definitely miss this

'fraid there's not an awful lot of jam-making, gardening, midday baths etc going on Chez Moon .

I didn't enjoy being at home with DD1 very much, similar to you I was frustrated.

However, afetr having DD2, I love being at home, and am never bored!

You do need lots to do though, although on the othet hand, too much and it's worse than work!!

I'd say do it (which is a bit funny as I told someone on another thread like this to stay at her job... had a bad day then )

I dropped out in October, ds is 2, the first couple of months were hard, I felt lonely, isolated, bored, and frustrated with the drudgery and housework. But like any job, it takes some time to learn & get used to. Now I love it, I have met other local mums in toddler groups & yoga and despite my initial reservations that they would all be boring twinset-wearing anally retentive Bree Van Der Kamps and that I would be social pariah for ever, it is so not the case! There are some days when I I just want to stick my head in the oven but mostly we are happy. I still think I am crap at this job, there are not many stimulating games or crafts going on in this household either, but I am getting better.

Like others have said, you can always go back to work. I think you know you want to do it...

fisil - just skim read your thread

I reduced my hours from 5 days to 4 and from next week down to two
can't wait

do it
they are only little once

...and as people have said to me, if you don't like it or it doesnt work out, oyou can always get another job

ps just put my tutoring ntices out

hi popsy! I've put two ads out and not heard anything yet. But it's early days! I'd be interested to hear how the 2 days go - I'm thinking about that (although like you say, the money is dreadful). I'd wonder about whether it would be satisfying to do so little.

I am only doing it as we need the cash - my mum is going to have the boys on the days I work so I will actually be better off than working 4 days with bosy at childminder!!! Though we will be paying my mum something

I plan to give my work up, have to go back to sort things out after mat leave and then I shall resign. Cannot wait, I know what you mean by aching for your children. I love being a mother, life is very short and for me my family has brought me so much joy (not without its tribulations) - it is hard but I never long to be at work when I am with my ds and my bump - I do get a bit fed up with dh's inability to multi task but I am trying to overcome my irritation as it is not his fault. I will pursue my interests probably do some adult ed/gym/art/gardening, etc... My whole education geared me for a career and there was no mention of being a wife and mother and I grew up not wanting to be either... Follow your heart.

Fisil, sorry haven't had time to read the whole thread but read your first post.

It occurred to me that it'll be difficult for you to judge what to do even though stories from others may be helpful - would it be simpler not to think of it in terms of whether it will make you a 'happy and fulfilled' mum, but in terms of whether or not you feel you should do it for your children.

Perhaps write a pros and cons list for them - because I think whatever you decide, if you are personally convinced it's the best thing for THEM, it will make you feel at peace with your decision.

I understand that you have been depressed before so won't be tempted to say 'you should do this or that' but the only thing I feel compelled to say is that your kids only get one chance to have their childhood, whereas work will always be there for you! Do you physically ache for work when you are not there?

The other thing I wanted to say is maybe as I'm sure others have said, is why not try part time work, or even be a SAHM but have the kids i Nursery one or two days a week to give you both some variety and a break from eachother?

Quick update - spoke with dp about this at length last night. He is just setting up a business working from home and is concerned that he may not be able to work in the house with two small boys and me running around! I see his point, but reckon we can work around it. We talked very thoroughly through all the options, and he certainly understands and agrees with my feelings. But I need to price out all the options very carefully. Thanks for all your thoughts and support.

Hi fisil- really hard decision. This sounds like a work-life balance type issue (puke at new labour jargon!) rather than a financial one. And it seems like you've had periods of being happy and unhappy both at home and at work, so it's not a clear cut decision, imo. Ok- cod psychology coming up... I'm wondering if it's possible that there is a bit more underlying this choice than meets the eye? Clearly whether or not to work is something that concerns most women who have a choice in the matter. But ime, quite a lot of women who've had a tough time when their babies are very little (because of pnd or other horrible circumstances beyond their control) worry a lot about whether their children have suffered, conclude (often wrongly) that they have, want to make it up to them somehow and feel that spending more time with them is a good way to start. Do you think this is a factor for you or is this a straight decision about life choices? Even if it's the latter, and God knows that is hard enough, I think you must make an absolute commitment to look after yourself and factor your own needs into the equation in a realistic way. Will you be able to get a break from the boys once in a while? Sounds like at the moment work provides that break for you and that is probably quite emotionally healthy. Will this mean an increase in household drugery (aka housework) and, if so, will you mind?

I think I would be looking for a very part time job, in your situation. 4 days per week is not so far off full time. But 2 days would give you a real sense of spending most of your time at home while still having a finger in the job pie, which would also give you a break, working on the change is as good as a rest theory. I think dh's views should carry some weight too. Setting up a business from home sounds potentially quite stressful even without two little bairns zooming about while he's trying to work. Can he set up in the garden shed with an absolute no disturbing Daddy rule, or something? I think you're right to take lots of time to think things through and plan. Lots of changes all at once can be amazingly stressful. Good luck, whatever you decide.