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Original poster

I feel judged

34 replies

Xmasbaby11 · 11/05/2012 14:35

I'm sure that this thread has been done many times, but ...

DD is 4 months old and I'm on maternity leave until she is 9 months. I will then be going back to work full time. I love my job and have found a good nursery for DD. I don't work really long hours and it's a family friendly company. In an ideal world I would work part time, but DH and I are dependent on both our incomes to pay the bills. Even me being on maternity leave is a stretch for us financially and our savings are disappearing.

I don't know anyone else (friends) who will return full time, and people keep advising me against it (friends, colleagues, health visitor) which is making me feel upset. Pity, quiet disapproval. I don't know if they are judging me or if it's more that I feel defensive and sad about the situation. Even the nursery staff looked at me with pity when I said DD would be in full time.

Please reassure me that it's normal to feel this way. Surely with the cost of living, there must be many couples who both have to work full time?

OP posts:

sleepingflower · 11/05/2012 14:40

I know lots of people who have worked full time from their children being this sort of age. Your friends are clearly very lucky that they have the option of not working. I had to go back to work when my son was 8 weeks old and felt awful about it, 6 years later I think that a lot of what I felt at the time was what I imagined other people were feeling about the situation. He is also a lovely well balanced little lad.

Don't panic what you are feeling is perfectly normal!

NenNen · 11/05/2012 14:40

I'm going back full time in a couple of weeks and my twins are only 12 weeks old. It sucks but I am too broke!!!

KnitterNotTwitter · 11/05/2012 14:42

We both work f/t and it hasn't done DS any discernable harm. I was actually advised to not go back to my company on a 4 day week as the nature of the job is that you get given five days worth of work to try and cram into 4 and so end up extra stressed.

Everyone makes their choices for different reasons.

Any you may find that people just want to say the 'right thing' and so are trying to second guess what you're thinking when they react. Any overt judging you might need/like to rebuff strongly - get some lines organised!!

"I might feel sad about it but it's such a lovely nursery that I've got no worries"

Thinks like that... don't mention the money side of things though as then people assume that you're doing something you don't want to.

BonnieBumble · 11/05/2012 14:42

Whatever you decide to do you will still be judged. I find it quite amusing that on one day a SAHM and a WOHM both made disparaging comments about my choices. You have to develop a thick skin.

Original poster

Xmasbaby11 · 11/05/2012 14:58

Oh you're right about having some lines planned - good idea! I didn't have any qualms before I had DD, think I'm just having a wobbly day and feeling sensitive. I do need to grow a thicker skin. I started feeling judged as a mother the day I started bottle feeding, and decided quickly I have no time for people with that kind of attitude. Sadly it seem it's an ongoing battle!

My friends are lucky - basically their partners are wealthier than mine! I would always work but yes it's due to money it has to be full time. Maybe I should emphasise how much I enjoy the work and how lucky I am about the working conditions (both true).

OP posts:

SweetGrapes · 12/05/2012 00:55

You'll always be judged - it comes with the territory. I have put dd in fulltime nursery and worked and been judged. I have been a sahm and been judged.
Better get used to ignoring it. You will never do things right now that you're a mum!

StealthPolarBear · 12/05/2012 00:57

Of course you'll be judged - as others say it's part of being a mum, you can't ever do anything right!
FWIW I went back pt (33 hours a week) when DS was 11m, increasing it to FT after 6 months, and then back FT when DD was 10m.

lizzywig · 12/05/2012 16:58

Xmasbaby11 - I feel the same as you but I go back to work in 10 weeks. We both need to work full time, we also had to save up for DD so that I could be on mat leave, so if we want DC2 one day then we will have to save up again and to do that I have to go back to work FT. Its sux. It flipping sux, there is no other way to put it than that. I hope that one day, perhaps when they are at school I will be able to go to part time and that's what makes me think it's worth going back. One day at a time...

Original poster

Xmasbaby11 · 17/05/2012 17:30

It helps to know I'm not the only one feeling judged! I can feel my skin toughening already.

Lizzywig, we're the same - need to save for DC2 and hoping one day I'll be able to go part time. In the meantime I'm just going to enjoy my maternity leave and be grateful I live here and not in the US - at least we get maternity leave here!

OP posts:

vj32 · 17/05/2012 19:55

Lots of people go back to work full time.

I haven't, but we don't plan to have holidays, we have a tiny house and will move to a barely-much bigger house in a better school catchment soon. We will have a gap of at least 4 years until we have a dc2. This is how we have planned it, because we chose to prioritize me being at home. But I know people who would say that we are 'depriving' our child by not having holidays/more toys, activities and a bigger house. So I don't think you can win whatever way you do it. It is about what suits you and your family.

scottishmummy · 17/05/2012 20:00

reign the nay sayers
being a working mum and contributing is good role model
good for family
good for your mental health (studies show working mums happier than housewife)
and you need to maintain career and contribute

LadyWidmerpool · 17/05/2012 20:03

It's completely inappropriate for your HV to judge you and the nursery worker was out of order too IMO. I know lotsif mums (let's face it, dads don't get judged) who work full time, some whose babies were younger than you, including myself. Babies really can cope very well. If you are lucky enough that you don't have to work full time then good for you. But you can button it about my choices. Good luck OP!

lucidlady · 17/05/2012 20:05

I'm going back full time in July. DD will be 9 months.

What I find is that I get less judgey-pants crap from people if I am firm and assertive about how it's the right thing for MY family. Oh, and I've developed a thick skin.

I'm still a bubbling mess inside at the thought of leaving my pfb mind you

scottishmummy · 17/05/2012 20:07

you're not leaving your baby!
you're going to work
not going galavanting

birdofthenorth · 17/05/2012 20:10

My dad was disappointed I only went back to work part-time as he felt it signalled I was no longer seeking promotion. My mum and MIL however were disappointed I went back at all! You can't win, if you take other's views into account. See how you & DC get on. If it works, ignore any naysayers. If it doesn't, re-evaluate. Also, ask yourself this- is anyone judging your DP for working full-time?! There's no rule that says it's the mum who must reduce her hours!

scottishmummy · 17/05/2012 20:14

grow a thick skin
ignore the mother superiors,and get used to the comments and precious moments mamas. and ignore the nursery is a day care orphanage doom mongers

SootySweepandSue · 17/05/2012 20:16

I know you said you are happy with the nursery, but why feel so judged? If you are confident of your choices you should be happy to explain to others without feeling bad.

I'm a SAHM but I'd happily tell anyone who doesn't agree with my choices to kindly shut up.

If you are not confident in your decision, why not relook at your options re childcare (cm or nanny share), downsizing or working PT.

I just wish women would be proud of their choices. Maybe women feel they don't have a choice though which I guess is the difficult part...

RancerDoo · 17/05/2012 20:20

In my experience a lot of people (mostly women) judge about this stuff because they like it when others validate their choices by choosing the same as them.

Lots of women work full time. There's nothing wrong with it.

RancerDoo · 17/05/2012 20:23

Ha ha Scottishmummy, my personal favourite was:

"i don't know how you can work full time. I used to be a nanny and I felt so lucky to share precious moments with my charge, I used to cry and apologise to his mummy for being there when she couldn't be... I don't know how she could bear it. It was five years ago and I still get tears thinking about it."

Me: oh dear god...

lucidlady · 17/05/2012 20:31

Oh scottishmummy, I KNOW that deep down. I think I'm just enjoying the excuse to be a drama queen.

DH: who's turn is it to walk the dog?
Lucidlady: wobbly lip I caaan't believe I have to leave my baaaby
DH: rolls eyes and walks dog

StealthPolarBear · 17/05/2012 20:32

Before long.you'll be sending the baby out to walk Tje dog!

FanOfSlippers · 17/05/2012 20:37

"...people [...] judge about this stuff because they like it when others validate their choices by choosing the same as them"

^ this! Couldn't agree more.

I'm about to go back to work four days per week, and am employing a head-down-and-get-on-with-it approach. Well-meaning nosey enquiries about the decision are being gently brushed off with a 'it'll all work out fine, thanks'.

Of course I'm sad I won't be seeing my son's beautiful happy chubby face all day & everyday, but I'm sure we'll all adjust with time and (together now) it'll all work out fine.

scottishmummy · 17/05/2012 20:40

a baby walking dog.cushty
I do like winding up precious moments mamas. camping up the avaricious,another day another handbag, vampy mammy.hell they want to believe it. told one precious moment mama my babies first word was money not mummy. she looked sage,but unsuprised

Spookey80 · 17/05/2012 20:45

Just to give you another side, and def not judging you. I went back to work on reduced hours when my dd was 6 months and I found it ok, however, IMO and my personal experience it was ok when they are a baby because they don't know much about it, however as they get older, my dd is now 3 and I have a 18mth ds, I like leaving the, less and less. It is not long before my dd starts school, and I just want to enjoy every minute I can be with them. I work three days a week now, and every night my dd says "don't go work mummy, stay and play with me".
I have always enjoyed working and earning money but I would now give anything not to have to leave them every day, I just miss being with them, and it is hard, but they are fun. However I have to work, but it is hard, and I would say to you if there is anyway you can reduce you're hours, you will benefit from it so much, and I think you're dc will too.
This is not to take away anything as we all do what we have to do.

OrmIrian · 17/05/2012 20:51

DS1 was 12 weeks, DD was 14 weeks when I went back full-time. DS2 was 14 weeks when I went back part-time (30 hrs). It's not that unusual. You do what is right for you.

Tell them to stick their quiet disapproval where the sun don't shine.

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