I feel judged

[Xmasbaby11]

I'm sure that this thread has been done many times, but ...

DD is 4 months old and I'm on maternity leave until she is 9 months. I will then be going back to work full time. I love my job and have found a good nursery for DD. I don't work really long hours and it's a family friendly company. In an ideal world I would work part time, but DH and I are dependent on both our incomes to pay the bills. Even me being on maternity leave is a stretch for us financially and our savings are disappearing.

I don't know anyone else (friends) who will return full time, and people keep advising me against it (friends, colleagues, health visitor) which is making me feel upset. Pity, quiet disapproval. I don't know if they are judging me or if it's more that I feel defensive and sad about the situation. Even the nursery staff looked at me with pity when I said DD would be in full time.

Please reassure me that it's normal to feel this way. Surely with the cost of living, there must be many couples who both have to work full time?

when my kids pay mortgage and steer my career
then they can dictate whether I go to work or not
until then I'm the adult and I also fulfill my need.not sentimental schmaltz about being there for precious moments

I was at a baby peep class once where the leader spent the whole time banging on about how to start working from home, like it was unheard of to return to work. Stuff em! I think you're feeling judged because you're unhappy with the fact you have to work (been there, after DC1).

Try and see the positives as you'll just wear yourself down stressing about things you have no control over.

There is no right way or wrong way and I should know I've done both. After dc1 I returned to work after 5 months. I had to. Other mums felt sorry for me.

After dc2 I became a SAHM. Other working people couldn't understand why I had "given up my career".

You just can't win. Get used to it and develop a thick skin. You have to defend your own decisions and choices.

I have done it all (SAHM, full time, part-time) and I would honestly say that for me part-time working worked well short term, best of both worlds and less stressful than the other two scenarios!!

I never felt judged when I was SAHM and working full time, maybe I didn't take any notice. You do need to ignore what people say. Everyone will have different circumstances at different times, I know at least 2 mums at our school who were SAHMs and have had to go to work full time for different reasons and viceversa (mums and dads working full time and becoming a full time parent due to redundancy of choice). Good luck xx

Dont let them make you feel judged. You will be working to provide a home, food and clothes for your child. Providing financially for a child is a very important part of being a parent. Your DD will grow up knowing that she can work and have a family and that it doesnt have to be one or the other.

100% agree with HappyMummyOfOne. It's no good doing less hours and getting less pay now / reducing your future prospects if that is also part of your bread and butter, mortgage, food and utility bill, and PENSION costs. I say PENSION as I really worry about a lot of women in this respect and think it is an underestimated issue, but I have family members now caring for older family on both sides of my family and of my husband's family and thank goodness the carer generation is now on a good pension and the older generation don't have to worry about their heating or my DH and I would be supporting children, parents and grandparents all at the same time and something / someone would fall down. You can spend nice time with your children in the evenings, holidays and weekends, so don't worry about it.

I did 4 days with 3 kids. It was nice to have my Friday with them but I had to do 5 days work in 4 which meant stress for 20% less pay and as my boss told me I was "lucky" to be allowed my day off! Just lots of logging on after kids in bed.

So now I have 4 kids and go back in 3 weeks (new company) to a full time role. Dc4 will be 8 months. I know I'm being judged- folk keep asking if I need to work as their DHs obviously earn alot more than mine. I do need to work for the money - not FT but I don't have a PT option plus for my sanity and longer term financial prospects (for the good of our family) I do. I feel very judged but folk on here are so right in saying you'll be judged no matter what. My first 3 have done 4 long days of nursery from an early age - they are very well adjusted and happy. I will miss them all lots - eps DC4 and I do feel sad but I don't really have too much option.

Totally agree that people seem like they?re being judgy when they?re actually just feeling a bit defensive of their own choices. We all want to be the best mother we can be. But every kid is different, every mother is different, every set of circumstances is different?. You?re doing what you feel is necessary for your child and your family which is what we all do. Use other people?s judginess as an example of how not to be, because it?s good to be flexible and constantly re-examine your choices in the light of changing circumstances. It?s hard to do that when everyone seems to be judging you ? the tendency is to defend yourself and cling more strongly to what you?ve chosen.

I?m guilty of being defensive myself. Even ?well we?ve just chosen not to have holidays and to have a small house? makes me irrationally irritable (sorry vj32, not having a go, just pointing out my own inconsistencies!). Because if that had been the choice in front of me, of course it would have been an easy choice. But it was no holidays and a tiny rented flat whichever choice I made. The choice was between being able to afford to heat our tiny flat and spend £80 per week at the supermarket (if working), or not being able to afford to heat it and having £30 or £40 to spend per week at the supermarket and begging for help from my mum and dad when struggling to pay the rent (if not working). But my reaction just shows that I need to take my own advice and be less defensive!

Thanks, this is all good stuff. I'm sure many women go through the same worries no matter what choice they make. I am generally good at not caring if I am judged, but I am still such a new mum - need to build up my confidence!

I have friends who work full time, part time or SAH and they are all great parents as far as I'm concerned. I think all options are hard in different ways. It took me a really long time to build my career and get this job, and I hope my pride and passion for it will in the long term have a positive effect on the family, as well as help support us financially.

I have a good chance of condensing my work to get an afternoon off a week, so fingers crossed for that. I feel lucky my work is quite flexible so I can change my hours in future if need be.