To be tying myself in knots about another mother deliberately excluding my daughter from after school activities.

[desperatenotstupid]

This is really upsetting me, I guess i should just suck it up but I know this woman is pretty much doing social engineering with my DD being ostracised. My daughter has a friend at school, they have probably gotten too close and now, despite saying they are best of friends, fight like cat and dog. So really, the mum and I (the other mum is a perfectly nice woman, i really like her) have agreed without saying anything to avoid the girls spending too much time together as it ALWAYS ends in arguments. Her child is bossy and loud beyond belief and mine will not be told what to do and will have a strop if the game doesnt go her way - so they are as bad as each other.

What is upsetting me is this: There have been several after school trips to the park arranged by this woman, involving all my DD's other friends who are friends with the other girl too, and my DD being deliberately left out. I showed up one time when this had happened, it was acutely embarrasing and ended up with my child in tears as the others were already playing and thought it would be really funny to run away from my DD. I had to take my DD home as it was awful but i felt like i was punishing my DD when she wasnt actually being naughty. This is happening over and over and my DP says "well just dont take her there" but this is ok, but it means that she can't go to the park after school and is missing out. I am also concerned that this is going to repeat in the school playground as my DD is being pushed out, quite deliberately, by anotehr PARENT!

Yes, our children argue, yes, it is often better when they dont play together but FFS, don't engineer it so my poor DD doesn't have any bloody friends at all :( Shes only Six, this has probably outed me in a monumental way, but im hurting for my DD. It happened again tonight - it was so obvious that my DD wasnt invited (by the parent!) when the girls were all stood there saying to DD they were going to the park, DD asked if she could go, i said OK because why should i stop her, but knew how it would end so persuaded her to go to another park, but it was empty and she had no one to play with. My DP was with me and he finally believes me as he was pretty as he said that it was blatantly obvious what was going on.

As i say, perfectly nice child, perfectly nice mum and she can ask who she likes to the park, but when its pretty much all of my DDs little friends except her, its not exactly leavin my DD anyone else to play with.

She sounds like a monumental bully. And I would stand there and tell her that. But then I love a good scrap. The idea of separating them was clearly to avoid the intensity of the relationship provoking trouble - but if there's a whole group of kids, this obviously wouldn't be an issue. A group would be a healthy way for the two girls to learn how to play together amicably.

is the other mum not inviting your DD to keep to your mutual agreement of not allowing the 2 children to play together? or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

maybe you need to talk to the mum again and establish how you're going to keep them apart while still letting them go to the same places with other children (if that makes sense )

max, its sort of an unspoken agreement, and i do sort of understand. But its the whole underhand round of texts inviting parents and kids to the park then looking sheepish if i turn up withmy DD because she wants to go all the time anyway, that pisses me off, i am 41 years old and quite frankly not interested in playground politics, but i want my DD to be able to have fun with the other kids after school too.

Awesome, the group situation seems to be worse - this other girl manipulates the whole group, my DD gets frustrated and ends up in tears, the thing is that it always ends up with MY dd looking like the spoilt brat

Errr excuse me, i didnt just rock up at the park, one of the other children asked my DD if she wanted to go, it would have been more of me to upset my child just because other mother sees fit to engineer a social group excluding my daughter. She doesn't have sole rights on the park, my DD loves playing there and generally gets along really well with all of her playments, apart from this one child, im not being accusatory, its simply a personality clash, I am not going to deprive my DD of a play session just in case we disturb a clique.

You are a bit late with your comments anyway, but thanks for your thoughts, but you know, my DD is 6, i think she absolutely needs me to stand up for her anyway, im not into this tough sort out your own battles parenting thanks all the same.

Yes, thankyou, your doubtful benefit is much appreciated. My response was not arsey, just set in the same tone as your advice, I apologise is I came across as arsey, it was certainly not my intention. Just the same as you probably didn't mean your advice to be quite so curt.

You actually do make a very good point, had you been correct in your assumption, but you wasn't

Have you spoken to the school both about you DDs behaviour and her being left out by other kids?

I would also talk to other mothers about their kids running away from yours, as that is mean. However don't stop you DD going to the playground, if anything I would take her even more often as she needs to learn to mix with other kids.

My DD mixes well with other children, it is not her behaviour, there is a personality clash with one child. The mother seems to be engineering a new group of friends for her DD, which to be fair, i have done too but not to the exclusion of the other child. The running away was instigated by this one child and this particular child has done this before, not to my DD but to someone elses. But yes, i have spoken to the school and asked them to keep an eye on the situation being careful to point out that I do not think that there is fault on either side, with the CHILDREN.

Thesecondcoming - im sorry that i said you had come to this post too late, but for some reason it says that i posted this thread on friday, i am 99% sure i posted this at the begining of the week, so no im a bit perplexed. I was only a stroppy bint because i thought why the hell is she bringining this up now. Anyay, i do apologise.

Why did you and the other mother get involved in sorting out a kids squabble?

Your daughter and her daughter need to learn how to sort out their own issues, and by you and the other mother organising/agreeing not to have the girls play together you set yourself and your daughter up for this sort of thing to happen.

Keep going to the park - if all the rest of the kids get on and they're all there, then they'll play together.

But, she's 6, you have years and years of this to come and my advice is to stay well out of kids squabbles as it never ends well for the adults.

I didnt get into any heated discussion though and the whole thing about posting on internet sites is that it is anonymous so unless you actually know me, then its a bit of a pointless comment that. If you had read my sentence about the bossiness properly you would have seen that i countered that by saying that my child can be stroppy and stubborn. It wasn't an accusation, just establishing why there is a personality clash. The other childs mum would open recognise that her DD is bossy and loud, just as i recognise mine can be stroppy and stubborn.

You seriously need to chill out - it's a kids squabble and they'll either make up or they won't.

Your daughter and her daughter need to learn that they won't get along with everyone they meet.

And if the other girl and her friend run away, so what? Next week, it'll be your daughter and a friend whispering and giggling in a corner and "excluding" the other girl.

That's what kids do. It passes when they're about 23

FWIW i haven't waded in, i could not hide how upset i was, but i have had perfectly civilised conversations with the other mum since, i didnt see fit to say anything to her as the moment had past, which is why i cant understand why this thread has been resurrected with Friday's date on it as i was out having a romantic day with DP on Friday and am sure as sure that i posted this earlier in the week. Starting to worry abot the location of my marbles now!

Maybe instead of having an unspoken agreement, you could try talking to the other mum about the situation?

Well I would knock off going to the park for a while - who wants to go every night in March anyway?

TSC - i AM calm!! or at least i was

It is a shame about the two girls though as her mum and i get on quite well, maybe it will pass and they will be the best of friends again. Its almost like they are too close iyswim

Maybe {whispers} if your DD " will not be told what to do and will have a strop if the game doesnt go her way" the other girls don't want her there and it has nothing to do with "engineering" by the mother. I doubt she's instructed all the other to run away

Perhaps leave the park for a while and ask one of the other girls to tea?

op - if the op says it was posted on Friday then you posted it ... ... ... on Friday.

But basically:

1. don't get involved in children's disputes. not to keep them apart, not to get them together, not to engineer the way they play. Friendships at this age are fickle and the child that plays with yours today may hate her tomorrow and be playing with her again by Wednesday - that's life.

1. There's no such thing as inviting everyone to the park bar your child - a park is a public place and as such anyone is free to go there. Now it may be that this other mother has mentioned to others that she is going to the park and has chosen, for whatever reason, not to mention it to you, but that is entirely her perogative.

1. Getting upset because some children ran away from your dd in the park is disproportionate and I would gently suggest that you perhaps get a grip take a step back and just leave them to it. As long as this isn't an ongoing thing where your child is being systematically bullied and excluded by the other children, this is perfectly normal six year old behavior and your daugter will at some point have been part of a group that will have run away from other children just as much as she will have had children run away from her. This is life.

Well yes wannabe i must have - seriously questioning my own memory now!

TSC, i am a sea of calm and tranquility, and i don't have time for this now [i want a poking tongue out in a friendly but i would like to stop having this conversation because i should be doing something else type emoticon please]

And yeah, you are all probably right but it is so hard to see your child upset. I am probably over reacting but at least i am over reacting on here and not at school.

I think people are being harsh to the op.

Op, arrange some play dates/park visits yourself and stay bright and cheery with the other mum.

I don;t understand why, if you have an agreement with this woman not to let the girls play together too much, you get upset when she organises something else.

And if it all the girls except your DD, which does sound a bit rough, then you need to talk to her about it.