custy under fire - your professional help would be very much appreciated

[Tortington]

the story is far too long and laborious suffice to say it involves a london borough council and the company i work for supposedly working toether to help set up a residents association. the person designated fromt he council is a housing officer and has no experience - i have been brought in half way through the process and have been to two meetings ( those of you who read may remember me asking your advice over whether i was being paranoid at minuteds of said meeting being unfair) anyway, i was asked to comment on the governance document proposed for the association and found that it was a fucking shower of shite. so i went through point by poitn and made suggestions - explaining whilst i went that this was not a document tying statuatory agencies into working with ressies assoc but that it was the GOVERNANCE doc.

anyway fuckwit fella from council said this to an area manager who is a spineless shit

......is custy or custycompany wish to come up with a model which would have involved the same amount of work as producing the e-mail below, then she is free herself to put forward and produce one. the comments below verge on nit picking ( does it really matter if it is a management or other committee?) .....it does actually.. A lot of what custy has written is legalesque pedantry
this may not have been your intention or custycompany intention but having experienced custys approach in meetings and now this i have to question whether her continuin involvement is going to be productive in this project. We need everyone signed up to the process

i think its in our interest to explicitly sign up to this initiative as a committment to joint working. it may not tie in with "model" constitutions but it is the reallity ont he ground.

thats it

right any way i can have the bastard for calling me a nit picking pedant and suggesting i get chucked off the project?

Oh Custy - poor you

You know this really isn't on - he's bullying you and I'm surprised that your own organisation don't feel the need to stand up for you!

Do your own organisation have a code of business principles, or guide to business ethics or some such similar document?

I really don't understand why he is being like this - what is he getting out of it? Perhaps he is behaving like this because he can get away with behaving that way!

I really don't know what to suggest now, other than say you want nothing more to do with him. Is this likely to put your own job at risk? Are there other options where you live to do the same job elsewhere?

FWIW, my sister had a bad experience like this recently. She was negotiating the variations on an extremely large (£1 billion) project and had almost concluded the negotiations. She went on holiday for a week and her boss had stepped in and reached an agreement with the other party on extremely disadvantageous terms. This process had involved lots of lawyers which she worked with all the time and they were as livid as she was. In the end she resigned the following week and moved elsewhere! She just felt it was untenable to continue to work where she was having been undermined in such a way!

If talking it over on the phone would help then CAT me with your number and I'll ring you!

I know it's easy to say, but if work is leaving you in tears at night then it is not right! Do think about all of your options, not just where you are currently!

thanks your so great much appreciated.

custy, my unison colleague used to work in tenant participation and helped to draft the council's tenants' compact. She's told me on countless occasions that it took a long time to get the contract right from all angles. Drafting it involved much tenant consultation.

If nothing else, can't you tell your managers that the timescale you are being bullied into is not realistic at all. Is it normal practice to consult tenants about the final content of this governance document? if so, when is that supposed to happen?

You said "he said as the director for the london region she will have the final say.

so he told me to bypass my line management.

he told me to agree or basically i would be responsibly for my org not being chosen for future developments". IMO this really needs to be passed on to your line manager asap. They need to be aware of this - don't worry about escalating the problem. The bully of a housing officer is doing the escalating, not you. You are simply passing on his comments to the appropriate people in your organisation. In your position, I would not hesitate to get my line manager involved.

oh babe,babe,babe - wanna beer Sunday eve?

Gimme his details Custy, I'll 'get' him for you!

Total shithead loser tosser! TBH, this is really what I would do. I would tell your bosses the whole story and say that you are not going to do the document, that you have joined Unison, and if they are going to fire you, they'd better have a bloody good reason for doing so.

I wouldn't tell them that you cried, it just makes them of you as vulnerable. However hard it is, you have to remain professional and in control, don't let your feelings get in the way of business. Cry at home. In the office just pretend that you are dealing with a bunch of teenagers and adopt the same tone of voice as if you were. If you do feel yourself getting emotional, imagine the wanker speaking to you dressed in only suspenders and a bra waving a tickle stick about, that should lighten your mood.

Please get angry on this, it's a good emotion to use.

I'll call you this weekend, how's Sat morning for you? Will you be up around 10ish?

Custy, I'm not sure if it is any comfort whatsoever, but I too would have blubbed! he sounds truly awful not sure how you can deal with this - would a complaint to his line manager be taken seriously or would it make matters worse? Maybe not a complaint but a letter saying, just thought you should know... Do you know any of his colleagues? Can you find out if he has a reputation as a bully within his own organisation too?

This sounds awful Custy. You are the queen of expletives on here so here's my poor effort -what a pompous arse. Hope you're feeling better today.

He probably is a bit of a bully and he is probably loathed by his colleagues. Shame you can't put a "I am a wanker' sticker on the back of his jacket! But I'll bet it's been done to him before, a man like that doesn't make any friends.

I don't know your industry at all, but work in a very male oriented environment and this smacks of bully boy tactics, for whatever reason - could just be that he is a misogynistic tosser & thinks he can put one over on a woman. I wonder whether he would talk to a man that way or whether it would all be matey banter and football scores??You have to come out of this with your integrity intact and to me that means following proper channels. He is threatening you with losing your company business/reputation if you don't do as he says and produce what will be a second rate job, at best.

Go to your direct boss. Do not go over his/her head as suggested, but make your boss aware of this. Write it all down, with timelines and any documented correspondence - e-mails etc. This situation is no longer your solo responsibility as IMHO as he has pushed the boundaries beyond your remit.

Can you talk to your colleagues that were privy to your phone conversation - would they offer any support even if it were just corroborating what you said?? I wouldn't worry about bursting into tears on that occaision - I find my frustration/anger often comes out this way whereas a man would probably punch a wall. Hate it, but there you go. Any further phonecalls I would either try to tape with a dictophone or put on loudspeaker so that others could hear - don't know whether this is possible or paranoid, but it is incontrovertable evidence of his manner towards you.

Most of all you shouldn't have to put up with this - you are a professional who is very good at her job and knows the ins and outs of what is required - you should not have to compromise that, nor should your employer wish you to. It is in no-ones interests. Agree I would join the union, so you have some weight behind you if needed.

You need to pass this up the line - that is what your manager is there for. Unless you are paid to make decisions that effect the future business strategy of your employer, I wouldn't countenence trying.

Agree with Rhubarb, try to detach yourself from him and keep it impersonal if possible. An aloof tone works wonders sometimes!

Most of good luck - you know that all of MN are rooting for you...!

This is classic bullying tactics - telling you to do something that is impossible in the timescale, that it is all your fault, that you will get into trouble if you don't do what he says.

Here is a definition of workplace bullying from bullying

constant nit-picking, fault-finding and criticism of a trivial nature - the triviality, regularity and frequency betray bullying; often there is a grain of truth (but only a grain) in the criticism to fool you into believing the criticism has validity, which it does not; often, the criticism is based on distortion, misrepresentation or fabrication
simultaneous with the criticism, a constant refusal to acknowledge you and your contributions and achievements or to recognise your existence and value
constant attempts to undermine you and your position, status, worth, value and potential
where you are in a group (eg at work), being singled out and treated differently; for instance, everyone else can get away with murder but the moment you put a foot wrong - however trivial - action is taken against you
being isolated and separated from colleagues, excluded from what's going on, marginalised, overruled, ignored, sidelined, frozen out, sent to Coventry
being belittled, demeaned and patronised, especially in front of others
being humiliated, shouted at and threatened, often in front of others
being overloaded with work, or having all your work taken away and replaced with either menial tasks (filing, photocopying, minute taking) or with no work at all
finding that your work - and the credit for it - is stolen and plagiarised
having your responsibility increased but your authority taken away
having annual leave, sickness leave, and - especially - compassionate leave refused
being denied training necessary for you to fulfil your duties
having unrealistic goals set, which change as you approach them
ditto deadlines which are changed at short notice - or no notice - and without you being informed until it's too late
finding that everything you say and do is twisted, distorted and misrepresented
being subjected to disciplinary procedures with verbal or written warnings imposed for trivial or fabricated reasons and without proper investigation
being coerced into leaving through no fault of your own, constructive dismissal, early or ill-health retirement, etc

well the e-mails are flying about - i got phone call from my manager ( who isn't involved as he's on secondment, i'm being managed by the director!) who said that this london borough is notorious for its fuckwits. nice of him to ring.

am on toil today but have access to works system from home so have read e-mails but not responded. were having a meeting then meeting with mr fuckwit anc collegues next wednesday.

your advice and support is greatly appreciated, my paranoia does overrunneth sometimes so you help me keep it in perspective.

on a good note, on seeing me crying yesterday my dd (12) said she would do him over for me. In OLdham thats a sign of love

my husband said he would too! but said i should weigh up wether being sacked is worth it - am still thinking about it! not really but its tempting.

today my hubby took me up town for a suit i saw int he british heart foundation - then THEN we conciously looked for best cake shop in town. we each had supreme slice of self indulgence and a large lovely coffee annnnnd AND shared a milkshake from same glass. twas nice! nice to know your loved when things go tits up.

thanks again will give you update - no doubt when i make abject fool of miself in mtg.

rhuby am working tomorrow - will e-mail you
mabs - deffo - will mail you.

thanks all

Tell him you won't talk to him and he needs to repeat everything he said and asked you to do in an e mail instead.Then you'll have some proof to work on if things get so bad again.

i asked him to put it in an e-mail for me and he said " look custy, its a simple request...."

hopefully thiongs will get sorted wednesday

To which you hopefully replied "So is mine".

unfortunatley not am not very assertive in aggressive power balance situations.

hindsight is a wonderful thing - especially for those witty, pithy replies....

Perhaps an email asking him to put all his requests in an email "so that I don't let you down by forgetting or misunderstanding your specific instructions".

Definitely force him to put it in writing.

hiya,

am just sorting out my argument for a meeting tomorrow with 2 directors and an area manager. ClerkKent, the information you gave me has been very useful and so very true, sometimes i just think i am an overemotional person - which i can be. but i wondered why it is that i can be screamed at by residents in a meeting and not burst into tears but rather am very able to handle the situation - but conversely when dealing with this person, just thinking about it gets me upset and close to tears. so thanks becuase its evidence that i am not a soft shyte that can't deal with stressful situations. i think i am also perpetuating my own fear of the situation. like, once you think @i am afraid of spiders@ your fear gets worse - does that make sense?

this thread is also very useful as a kind of diary of events and feelings. I dont know if anyone else does this or if i am jsut weird but if things get too much in very very stressful situations - i just shut off.

this shutting off is a kind of fuzzyness that my brain is not letting me think of the detail whilst at the same time i am thinking b@ll@cks to it - let it wash over me - what will be will be - let them do what they have to - i have three kids to feed - its just a job.

then ( whilst still not able to recall detail - a self protection mechanism i think) i think - why should he get away with this, why should we as a company accept not only this unprofessional behaviour but also sub standard document detrimental to out residents in the long run? if you dont get the outcome you want resign - you have pride and principles ( and kids to feed though custy) yes i know but you will get by you always do.

yes am f*cking schizoid.

so am going through notes and have mentioned the bullying tactics - i have been left out of e-mails, i have been told to bypass my line managment it has been nitpicking and patronising and undercutting and demonising. and its been made personal "i dont think its (the company) thats the problem, but custardos involvement.

so am looking up what happens if i resign.

i am going to explain at the beginning of the meeting that i may get upset and if so i will take a 5 minute breather.

my boss ( the one who was on secondment) is being involved too. he just rung andsaid " i can't belive we are arguing about a constitution, unless there is anything widly insane - why dont we just let it pass.?"

he just said ....make it go away.....make it go away. he boiled it down to the lowest common denominator, the beginning of the lack of support. i knew it would happen. yet still i am disapointed.

theres the whole political context, the bullying, the disservice to the residents, the going against HIS own policies ( the ones he drew up) the by passing line management issue - the issue of why we as statuatory agenices are writing the flipping thing in the first place - the rezzies are supposed to do that with help - not the other way round.

sorry. but it helps. as a time line. for when i get fuzzy and schizoid.

right them am off ( not your not) yes i am ( no your not) xx
ta

Oh God custy, I know what it's like when your line manager backs off from supporting you - for you.
Would it help at all to imagine he is Mark Oaten...I have put annoying senior colleagues on the bog in stressful meetings a couple of times and it has helped me a little.

i did wonder how you put them on the bog - you mean like an imagine them nekkid thing - or you proper bog washed them?

Hmmmm.
If the borough want to shaft their taxpayers and residents, that is their risk, I suppose.

To put an end to this most horrible situation, could you draft mickey mouse constitution as requested, but offer it with a letter of 'good practice', a sort of proviso that had your co (in the form of you) been given 'a more flexible brief' you would have done more consultation etc. A bit like a 'Management Letter' issued by Auditors.

I can see that your professional integrity is on the line here, you have done your best to fight for what is right, you have been treated abysmally, but in the end if they are paying, prepared to pay for a crap job, your managers are happy to produce a crap job, what's in it for you to put yourself through the mill like this?

Sign it off, but put it in writing to your managers that it has not been done the way you would have advised, but as the client demanded.

nekkid and pop-eyed with strain. And me holding both Califig and bog roll just out of reach.

blu's advice way more sensible. Have you been there before blu?