I am having a crisis of confidence in my whole parenting approach.

[Multifacetediguana]

Please be gentle!

My ds is 11.5mo. I am back at work on Monday full time after a year of mat leave. Ds has had nursery visits last week and his first full day this week. He is only going to nursery for 2 days a week and will be with grandparents the rest of the time, but it is breaking my heart to leave him at nursery. he has been unsettled in his first few trips there and although the staff have assured me that this is normal I am sobbing at how wrong it feels to leave him there, with people who dont know him or love him. On paper the nursery ticks all the right boxes, it is outstanding according to Ofsted, has great facilities and loevely staff, I have 3 good friends who use it who are all happy with it, but some how I still feel I am not doing what is besr for ds.

I have bf him this whole time, co-slept and never left him for any significant period until he was 10mo and pils looked after him for 4 hours. I am now thinking I have done it all wrong and have made us too attached to each other as it is goig to be such a massive shock and change for both of us and I am worried it will leave him permanently damaged in some way and it was naive of me to expect to parent in this way and then just go back full time without there being a major fall out.

I have no choice but to work full time as my dh is self employed and I earn more than him. The only way I have afforded to have a year off was by saving money when I was pg.

It has also made me doubt my whole life choices. I thought I was doing the right thing by studying hard and working hard to establish a career, but my sil who got p when she was 19 is a sahm as she could never earn enough to cover the cost of childcare, and it is making me wonder if she had the right idea!

Any advice or reassurance would be much appreciated!!

I never expeceted to feel this way - I had booked the nursery place before ds was born, and have always felt, and still do, that I need and want to work to some degree as I love my job0.

I felt the same but it does work out ok
You have to give the nursery a chance
It sounds a good one too

I think everybody feels this way when they first leave the baby in the nursery!
You probably could have left him with relatives and friends a bit more, just to get him used to being away from you, but that's hindsight.

The thing is, babies adapt really quickly. He probably wont be thrilled at first, but then he will get used to it.
You have not made all the wrong decisions! It sounds like you have taken brilliant care of him and developed a great bond. This bond is EXACTLY what will help him to adapt to nursery, because he will feel secure and loved in himself.

I envy you your good career, and you should be proud of that.
It's just a wobble. It will hurt, a bit, for a few weeks, then it will be fine, I promise.

It sounds like frankly you haven't got a choice if you are the main breadwinner. Feel for you though and don't have any answers. Could your DH do more of the childcare by scaling back his work?

Oh poor you. You sound just like me in your approach to parenting (possibly more so, since you co-sleep!) and in your background (studied hard, excellent career, all for...what?).
FWIW in order not to dump my career, but also to care for kid, I made the decision to work from home (as a freelancer) while junior naps. Is that at all a possibility for you? We're scraping by on interest only mortgage such is my belief in staying home. But if it's not poss, then there are plenty on here who will tell you how positive nursery has been for their kids.
Also, even if you do as I have done you still doubt your parenting (plus it is a pressurised option too) - and I hear from friends who've gone back to work that they can give so much more of themselves when they ARE with their kid. ALL their kids do indeed seem very happy (bar one, but she's always been miserable). So, sometimes I think what have I done by going freelance.

However, if you are having a crises, how about a third way- is there any, any, any chance that your OH can look after junior instead of nursery? I DO wish this had been possible for us. The idea of job-sharing childcare would have been fabulous for baby and me (but not great for OH who is also self-employed but not in an area where he can be 'out' for 2 days...). That all said, having gps involved is v positive too - so don't worry, it'll all work out!

He will get used to it, so will you. My DS went at that age, cried a fair bit at first but he now loves nursery. You haven't made him too attached, you have given him a secure base with which to now develop more experience of the world.

And you are really really lucky to have GP's looking after him.

Think how the parents putting their babies in nursery 5 days a week for the first time feel, and work backwards from there!

My DD has been going to nursery for 2 / 3 days a week since she was 10 months (she's now 2.5). She loves the interaction gets with other little ones and will ask when she's seeing them next on the other days. She's only been upset once or twice when I've dropped her off but only when she's been under the weather. Assuming your DD settles in then I think she'll come to enjoy her time in nursery so I would only start to worry if she hasn't settled after a while (I'm not sure how long). It may be different if she was going in full time.

*Disclaimer - my DS was in nursery for 3 days a week from 7 mths so I'm hardly unbiased but...

It is really, really hard when you first start to leave them. I don't know anyone who skipped off down the path - I spent my entire first day back at work crying in the toilets. That doesn't mean that it's the wrong thing to do, however. And 2 days a week with GPs the rest of the time - it sounds fab, and a great balance for DS.

The person it's hardest on is you - you'll miss him. It's really as simple as that. Of course you'll miss him, of course you'll be sad. But he won't suffer, he'll have a great time with loads of new experiences.

You need to tough it out and see how it goes. Of course you can change your mind if it doesn't work, but the emotions take time to settle.

You are doing absolutely fine and sound absolutely normal. We are not programmed to enjoy leaving our children, especially at such a young age. You are raising your child naturally and are very intune with this. It shows what a great bond you have. But now your child has a chance to learn and grow a little away from you.

We are also like you in our parenting approach. Luckily our Mon-Fri childcare is GPs, but DD also goes to various clubs/nurseries/school and is turning out to be very gregarious and happy to meet other people. Your LO will get the hang of it too, and you are giving them the best gift possible, a happy and secure base to return to.

It is incredibly hard each morning to leave my child, but I know that she is happy and that I am doing the best I can as a mother.

Poor you! It is tough going back to work. But just think about some of the lovely positives about your DS's life. 1) he has a loving mummy and daddy who are there for him weekends, evenings, mornings, in the middle of the night if he gets scared or ill. 2) He gets to be spoilt rotten by Granny and Grandpa 3 days a week. This is an amazing bond that is so special. Plus Grandparents have more time and less obligations so can often do some really lovely stuff you might not be able/willing to do if you were a stay-at-home mum forever. 3) 2 days a week he gets to go and have loads of fun getting filthy, running around like a maniac and playing with big noisy toys that you wouldn't want cluttering up your home. Honestly, once he gets used to it he is going to have a ball. I think you just need to give it a chance and see how it pans out before you totally re-evaluate your life choices.

You can only make the choices available to you. You can only do the best you can with any given circumstances at any given time. My DS was with a CM from 16wo out of sheer necessity.... single parent from birth.... and it was tough leaving him but the alternatives were pretty grim. He's now 11yo, we have an amazingly good relationship and he seems to have survived the experience so far and emerged as a nice kid into the bargain.

We can all beat ourselves up and wish things were different but it's not very constructive or particularly healthy to keep hashing things over. Your sister probably has her own regrets, but you don't know about them. Take time to choose your path if you can but, once chosen, embrace the decision and look forward rather than back.

I'm assuming the GP's can't do more childcare to have him instead of nursery?

It's a tough age, I went back to work when my pfb was this age and i had parented in a very similar style to you. I only went back for a couple of afternoons a week, GP had him for a couple of hrs till dh got home and I couldn't cope with that! It was only short term though which is why I couldn't get used to it.

You'd feel guilty whatever you do. You've obviously thought long and hard about it and it sounds like you made you're mind up a long time ago so are just have last minute wobbles. If i see another way of doing things it really throws me, if I see my current situation as the only option then I can deal with it and focus on the positives.

Have you thought about trying a different childcare provider? you may find that ds settles better with a childminder, where there are fewer children and more one on one time with the carer?

I really do feel for you. I went back to work full time when my DS was 1yr and my grandparents did a lot of the childcare, but had to use childcare two half days a week. My DS loved being left with grandparents but hated childcare from day 1, despite the fact that it was a lovely place, great ofsted reports, highly recommended by friends etc. I carried on sending him for 2 months as i felt i had no choice (i earned more than my dh too and really needed the money to pay the mortgage etc) but things didn't get any better and i would leave ds there sobbing and pick him up 4 - 6 hours later, where he would still be sobbing. he even stopped eating and drinking after a couple of months there, so i had to bite the bullet and take him out.
I've now gone part time. we're struggling financially at the moment and have to cut back on so many things, but to see the difference in my ds has made it worthwhile, as i'm also far less stressed and no longer beating myself up.
I know going part time isn't an option for everyone (we've had to take a mortgage holiday and sell the car etc to finance it) but i just couldn't have carried on the way things were. i'm planning on trying him with childcare again when he's 18 months and if it works out i'll go back to full time, but if he's not ready then i'll take him out again.

frankly i could never leave my kids in a nursery for whole days while i worked, it would tear me apart. Obviously they arent going to care for kids in the same way as their parents do - and thats just the least of my worries - aside from abuse and neglect.

if the staff and nursery are as lovely as your friends and you say, they are going to get fond of the children. i definately get fond of the children in my care when working in a nursery. (most of them anyway) having the strong bond with you will help him feeel secure. try not to do any other big changes until he is well adjusted to nursery.

My DS loved being left with grandparents but hated childcare from day 1, despite the ... great ofsted reports

maybe he hadnt read them lol

Been there too, and I promise it does work out! DS is now in reception class at school now and had zero problems settling in as he had quite a few friends from nursery with him and he is so confident and sociable in settling with other children which I thank nursery for. He can tell me all about his nursery and tells me the nurses there were very nice. DD is there now in the mornings and very happy.

11.5 mo is a difficult age but it's when so many of us have to return to work and to be honest given the choice of settling a child earlier in childcare and returning to work at about a year, I would rather have the extra months at home FT with my child and I am sure you feel the same way, but it is part of a price we pay for it.

The long-term financial stability you are giving your family is extremely valuable, it's just not visibly nice at this stage of your life, but I am sure it will become visible later on, e.g. when it comes to school trips and to university.

Hi OP, we've moved this thread to 'Going Back to Work'. Hope you find the advice you need!

I second what (most) posters are saying - it will be fine, you are bound to be having a wobble at this point.
My dc both went to nursery and both loved it. Honestly.
Both are happy, healthy and we have a close relationship despite me working FT for the past six years.
Of course I've had the odd doubt and a few difficult times here and there but I truly believe this way was the right way for us (for eg I am not cut out to be a SAHM and I've had to be absolutely honest about that).

It'll be fine. His routine is messed up at the moment and he is unsettled by the changes, but it won't be long before the GPs/nursery run is the new routine. DD does the same combo and while I do miss her, she has managed to build a great relationship with her GPs and loves going to nursery.

My advice: allow yourself to be upset, it's ok. I was torn up with jealousy against the nursery staff in the first few weeks as they got to be with my amazing DD while I was at work. Also, when you pick up your DS, have a quick peek through the window first, it's amazing how they will be perfectly content playing when you're not there, yet put up a huge drama as soon as they see you. Also, make sure the nursery staff give you regular updates on how he's doing and what he's doing, so you don't feel cut off from his life. They should be maintaining a development book with updates on what he's learning and how they are supporting him, so make sure to see it regularly.

Thank you for the suportive replies.

There is the possibility that my dh could look after him, but probably only for a da, nad having relfected on it, I dont think we should make any drastic decisions before we have given nursery a chance.

so many typos - sorry!!

You'll be fine and he'll be fine. It's just a case of adjusting to the new routine. You have a good career and that stands your son in good stead too. He'll thrive and you're staying in the career market - win win

Yes I am trying to look at the positives. I know I am not cut out to be sahm either and that I am doing a good thing for my ds by going to work. Just think it is going to take time for us both to adapt.

You are me from June last year, which is why this is so long a response....

I had never spent any time away from my baby (only child then 12mo DS) and putting him into nursery so I could go back to a job I actually really like felt like a selfish decision. I have worked hard to qualify to do what i do, but it felt terrible 'making' him cry and leaving him for a whole day with a bunch of strangers. I cried so much I could not talk, felt physically sick all day, hovered around the nursery all week, cried enough to drop my lenses out of my eyes...it was AGONY leaving the poor guy reaching out to me and crying.
The knife twists in the gut when they fall ill and you come to pick them up. BUT. and there is a BUT.

1. It gets better..my DS now (after 4 months) walks into nursery and blows kisses at everyone. he talks and sings and smiles a lot. They need entertainment of various kinds which the nursery will be great at providing. And instead of being permanently damaged as you have stated, your child will be more secure. LO knows you will come and get them with a GIANT smile. LO knows that you are a separate person and by the time they are 18mo they start asserting it. They shall learn to play with others, share, care, eat, sleep, smile and fight. They will learn to listen and follow instructions from adults who are not their parent. And all this is important in the long run.

1. if it is important in any way that you HAVE to work whether for career promotion or financial or emotional wellbeing then you have to work. If you did not it would change the quality of your life which would make an impact on your child.

1. As a child of working parents I had immense respect for my mother for being career person. As a working mum myself she seems like Superwoman to me, managing 3 kids, grandparents who lived with us, a crazy dog, a husband that travelled a lot and a job that needed her attention. I am trying to do as much as I remember being done for me and I fall short.

1. I dont know if this applies to you. I would not be me if I did not work, I like my work, adult company and mental stimulation that my work provides. I would eventually resent it if I stayed at home because of DS and then messed up things for myself work-wise and lifestyle choices-wise.

1. Its sad, its true, and we all HAVE to live with it. it came with no warning and there is NO WAY to get rid of it - Maternal Guilt, my friend, is here to stay. .