I am having a crisis of confidence in my whole parenting approach.

[Multifacetediguana]

Please be gentle!

My ds is 11.5mo. I am back at work on Monday full time after a year of mat leave. Ds has had nursery visits last week and his first full day this week. He is only going to nursery for 2 days a week and will be with grandparents the rest of the time, but it is breaking my heart to leave him at nursery. he has been unsettled in his first few trips there and although the staff have assured me that this is normal I am sobbing at how wrong it feels to leave him there, with people who dont know him or love him. On paper the nursery ticks all the right boxes, it is outstanding according to Ofsted, has great facilities and loevely staff, I have 3 good friends who use it who are all happy with it, but some how I still feel I am not doing what is besr for ds.

I have bf him this whole time, co-slept and never left him for any significant period until he was 10mo and pils looked after him for 4 hours. I am now thinking I have done it all wrong and have made us too attached to each other as it is goig to be such a massive shock and change for both of us and I am worried it will leave him permanently damaged in some way and it was naive of me to expect to parent in this way and then just go back full time without there being a major fall out.

I have no choice but to work full time as my dh is self employed and I earn more than him. The only way I have afforded to have a year off was by saving money when I was pg.

It has also made me doubt my whole life choices. I thought I was doing the right thing by studying hard and working hard to establish a career, but my sil who got p when she was 19 is a sahm as she could never earn enough to cover the cost of childcare, and it is making me wonder if she had the right idea!

Any advice or reassurance would be much appreciated!!

I never expeceted to feel this way - I had booked the nursery place before ds was born, and have always felt, and still do, that I need and want to work to some degree as I love my job0.

I recommend reading 'How Not To F* Them Up' by Oliver James. It's great for deciding what kind of mum you are and what work/home balance will suit you.

Hi there, I just wanted to offer a hand to hold. My DS was exactly the same and the 2 - 3 weeks it took him to settle were awful but he does love it now and it does get better.

I guess the difference is that I really want to work (in my less than average pay job0 because I think it is good for me as a person to do so. If you really don't want that then could you ask for shorter/fless hours?

by the way I am co-sleeping and breastfeeding (Ds is 1 now) and it is possible to do both and have that contrinued closeness while they go to nursery.

I second the Oliver James book.

Thanks for more supportive replies. For some reason I thought o James was anti child care and would make me feel worse? Or am I getting him confused with someone else?

Have you discussed your worries with nursery, ds was breastfed/co slept/ slinged but I had to go back to work part time at 7 months. He was carried in a sling, cuddlled to sleep, whatever he needed. We would go to pick him up and he would often be asleep on his key worker's lap while she did paperwork. She may have been a stranger when he started but she is now like his third parent. The same applies to all the nursery workers, he knows them better than his own relatives and it is obvious how attached they are to tthe children. As long as you have found a decent nursery I wouidnt worry on that score, my main tip wouldd be to get a cleaner, if you can, so the time you spend with him is quality time

yes, I heard that about Oliver James too.