Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Original poster

Female colleague making endless remarks about my “tits” - what can I do?

49 replies

corygal · 04/11/2011 11:50

I?m in a senior role at work, albeit not the most senior in my dept. Opposite number in other dept is getting tricky ? Ms Charmschool, one of those upright-downright-forthright types who is proud to ?tell it like it is? at every opportunity. She?s 10 years younger than me and has just been promoted to my level.

Three guesses what the problem is ? she?s so acid I dread going in. Before I?ve even sat down, I get looked over and my appearance criticised. Did you know tights could be too ?hairy??

Selection of this week? s samples:

On deadline with a vital report, I came in early to do my share of a team job then shot back to my desk to check and email it. Later, as I was head-down proofing semi-outloud because the others were doing theirs around the office loudly, Charmschool honked: ?Are you just going to sitting there all afternoon talking to yourself??

At a compulsory office do later, in front of several male staff she made three remarks about ?don?t hold your drink so close to your tits? so that everyone looked ? and started talking about them. Then she did it again. And again. Whenever anyone came in. It led to a really foul remark by another colleague ?the department junior found asleep dribbling on your tits?.

I removed myself and my body parts and have since spoken to her only on office business. Life is miles better ? but do I tell the management? Charmschool, hilariously, has left two jobs because she was ?victimised? by colleagues.

OP posts:
Bramshott · 04/11/2011 11:52

Might the treasured Mumsnet phrase "gosh, did you mean that to sound as rude as it did" work here?

manicbmc · 04/11/2011 11:53

Yes - she is way passed the mark. I'd also be pointing out to her that she is not your senior and has no place in questioning the work you're doing.

Stamp on her - she'll get worse.

valiumredhead · 04/11/2011 11:53

Pull her to one side - explain that if she makes personal remarks about you again you are going straight to HR and that includes talking to any colleagues about what you have just told her.

Not on at all.

AnonWasAWoman · 04/11/2011 11:54

'Do you realize your remarks are coming across as unprofessional and could be seen as offensive?'

She sounds horrible and obviously has no idea how to behave.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 04/11/2011 11:54

I was thinking along the lines of Bramshott. Call her on it. She sounds most odd, and you're probably not the only one to think so.

TheScaryJessie · 04/11/2011 11:54

A female commented on my breasts and I just walked off. However, ever since, I've wished I'd said, "You're not my type, sorry."

gordyslovesheep · 04/11/2011 11:55

there is such a thing as the right to 'dignity at work' - you have it, she is breeching it - if you can tell her first how you feel, then if she continues or reacts badly take it further - also KEEP A DIARY of her comments and behaviour - if you are in a union discuss it with your rep

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2011 11:58

What Bramshott said.

aquashiv · 04/11/2011 12:01

YOu have to start facing up to her. Be very direct but not down right rude back. Usually the way with these say as it is types operate is that they dont like to be on the recieving end so be prepared to remain calm and smiley as you deliver your response. Think Anons comment is the most appropriate here.

Pendeen · 04/11/2011 12:06

"... have since spoken to her only on office business. Life is miles better ? but do I tell the management?

Why would you want to do this? Revenge?

OldMacEIEIO · 04/11/2011 12:07

Some good tips here, but dont forget to play dirty too.
Bring a fish paste and cucumber sandwich into work, and put a big smear of fishpaste on the underside of her desk.
In a week it will start to pong a bit and you offer to buy her some FemFresh next time you pop down to the chemist

manicbmc · 04/11/2011 12:08

Oldmac, that is evil! Grin

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2011 12:09

Agree with aquashiv ref with that type not liking being on the receiving end. My sister is a lot little like that - on once being told that her manner was a little abrasive, she responded with "Are you calling me rough?!" Grin

"Charmschool, hilariously, has left two jobs because she was ?victimised? by colleagues."
Or answered back, as the rest of us would call it. Which suggests she might leave in a huff if you call her on her behaviour, OP. Result!

Anniegetyourgun · 04/11/2011 12:10

Mm, since when did work colleagues (or bosses, or the Queen, or God) get the right to tell you how you should hold your drink? That's even without the quite unnecessary, and unprofessional, coarseness. This woman has problems.

laptopdancer · 04/11/2011 12:14

This sounds EXACTLY like my boss. I would not be surprised it if was the same woman. She makes constant comments about my appearance , even in front of vistors to our institution.

pendeed its not revenge, what a strange comment...Its inappropriate behaviour at work and should be stopped straight away. The woman will do the same to others...its against pretty much every workplace policy that exists.

picnicbasketcase · 04/11/2011 12:14

You could always just give silly responses

Evil Colleague - Your tights are too hairy
You - Yeah well, so's your face

Evil Colleague - Don't hold your drink like that
You - Yeah, so's your face

Well, it works sometimes anyway.

But seriously, she is being completely inappropriate, continue avoiding and report if she seeks you out to be so rude, I think.

wildstrawberryplace · 04/11/2011 12:15

First things first - make sure that you keep a verbatim note of what she said and what you said to her. Bet you any money if you complain about her, she'll turn it around and start accusing you.

MillyR · 04/11/2011 12:15

I think it is a very difficult situation because she sounds like trouble. If you say something to management but do say something to her, you don't know what sort of campaign she may start against you, either formally or informally.

I think your two options are to say something to management, or raise the issue with her next time she does it, but raise it in front of witnesses. You would then need to say something along the lines of, 'You have done this before on X occasion, and you are now doing it again. It is inappropriate to behave in this way at work, so I am asking you to stop doing it.'

I have been in a similar situation, where a female colleague went on at length about my breasts, and suggested my success at work was down to them. This was overheard by my boss, who was in the next room. My boss came out afterwards and said she had not intervened because she thought I could 'handle it.' She then said had my colleague been male, she would have considered it sexual harassment.

That is obviously nonsense, because the gender of the other person doesn't make a difference. I then found out my colleague had made similar remarks about me to people from other organisations that I had to work with. I never did anything about it and ended up leaving. So I think you should do something.

Besom · 04/11/2011 12:18

Although be careful that she does not turn things round on you. If she has form for this she could go to management and say you are victimising her!

I would go with the direct professional comment if she does it again along the lines of what Anon said. If she carries on I would go to management, because you should not have to put up with this behaviour.

grumplestilskin · 04/11/2011 12:19

definitely keep a diary, from now! times, dates, exact quotes!

Pendeen · 04/11/2011 12:22

laptopdancer

(Excellent name BTW) but my comment is not "strange" at all.

If you read again what the OP is actually saying, the obvious explanationseems to be revenge but I am hapy to hear an alternative (yours I'm afraid doesn't quite work).

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 04/11/2011 12:23

?Are you just going to sitting there all afternoon talking to yourself??
Well it beats talking to you

?don?t hold your drink so close to your tits?
It's in case your slaver drops in it.
Why are you so interested in my breasts? I know they're rather magnificent but it is a tad odd that you spend so much time ogling them

Callisto · 04/11/2011 12:24

OMG, if someone had said that to me I would have had no qualms at all in telling her to fuck off. OP you are way too polite for your own good and I fear that she will continue to make vile comments to you and about you for as long as you put up with it. She has probably been a nasty bully all her life, but you can't let her get away with shit like this.

Lindax · 04/11/2011 12:26

You dont say in you OP if you have actually said anything to her about it, which would be the obvious first step?

I wouldnt approach management until you have tried to resolve it with her yourself, as it will make you look incapable of dealing with conflict (especially for someone in a "senior role").

If you struggle with conflict maybe speak to someone in your workplace privately to coach you how to approach her.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/11/2011 12:27

Or, further to my comment above, "Why are you telling me where I may hold my coffee?" Spoken in even more ringing tones. (Thus hopefully distracting the audience's attention from the earlier "tits" reference.)