Travel abroad

[bonkers20]

My son is nearly 2. I work 3 or 4 days a week.
He is breastfed.
I returned to work when he was 9 months old.
I have missed two meetings in the US since I've been back at work. Now the big boss has asked that I make a trip to LA this year to do some work.

My DH is NOT a baby person. I knew this and accepted it and we're fine. It might not be perfect but it's the way it is. He'll come into his own when DS is older (we also have a nearly 12 year old), but we are not there yet. I have a meeting in May next year and that was my aim, DS will be just over 3 then.

I know I can easily say that I'm not ready to travel, but I'm struggling to see how this might look from their point of view.

Should I make more effort to go or is it reasonable to say I'm not ready?

Cheers.

If it's part of your normal role, then yes you should go. Your DH needs to step up to the plate here I think. I am not a baby person either, but I managed.

What sort of work is it?

I travel a reasonable amount, but if I didn't want to I could get out of quite a lot of it, much of it is networking type stuff, makes customers take me somewhat more seriously but doesn't usually show any tangible benefits, I don't do deals or anything.

So if it's that sort of thing, IMO you could refuse. I would spin it as "I don't think with all the travel time, and the jetlag afterwards, it would be the best use of my time." Personally I would put it that way rather than relate it to your family situation.

If it's an internal meeting it would be reasonable to say "this one isn't the best use of my time, but I'm expecting to definitely be there in May".

When I go to the West Coast it takes 4 days (suppose I could do it in 3 if necessary) - three nights there and one overnight flight to get back - so presumably you might end up taking days off the next week if you've worked more days than usual? Might help with the use of time argument.

Sorry I just saw it was May NEXT year not this year.

I agree with Portofino in that case. "Not a baby person" is a get-out clause for Saturday morning soft play, not for looking after DCs when the OH is working away. He should be able to manage 3-4 days IMO.

If it's an regular part of your job, then it's your job, and so yes you should go. I used to have to travel regularly, and if I couldn't then I couldn't do my job, simple as that. (If it's just an excuse for an expenses paid beano, then maybe not!)

Your son will be 2 by the time you go, I guess, that's not a baby, and presumably he's in childcare during the day? His dad really should be able to step up to the plate for a few mornings and bedtimes!

Thanks folks. I'll explain a bit more about my position as that will help I think.

I work in science (bioinformatics) and our group has people in the UK and in the US. The meetings I have missed so far and the one in May 2012 is our (roughly) yearly get together to present our work to our scientific advisers. It's an important meeting and a chance to see everyone face to face. It's not essential for me to be there though as someone else has presented my work and of course the rest of the year we are communicating via email, conference calls, skype, webinars etc etc. The trip this year would be an extra just to work with colleagues.

My relationship with my DH...yeah, it's not easy is it.

Remember I am still BF. I did travel when the older DS was 3 and still BF. It was fine. Alot changes in 6 months or so.

Thanks.

TBH, I'd be expecting you to go. I travelled and bf, and dh and ds coped fine (I went back to travelling when ds was 6 months, and was bfing till 23 months). It sounds like an important meeting that you won't have been at for 3 years otherwise

Honestly, I think you need to go. One trip in year is not a lot and it's not the same having someone else present your work.

Breastfeeding. Well, I know it's not perfect,but at past 2 it is perfectly do-able for 3-4 days.

On your husband, I think he needs to step up. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but not being a baby person is no excuse whatsoever for not looking after your own child. I'm not a poo person, I still change nappies... I'm a person who likes her sleep, I still get up... If you're a parent, that's the deal. It might be a reason for setting up your general home life a partcular way, but it's not an excuse for total abdication of responsibilty.

What Ribena said. I would expect you to go at this stage.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just opt out of whole aspects of parenthood by not being that kind of person? I'm particularly attracted to the idea of not being a 'take child for jabs' person.

But that's not the way it works. If your DH decided to have a baby with someone he needs to accept everything that goes with that, included sole care for a few days once in a blue moon.

Pretty unanimous responses! I guess the women who have not spent a night apart from their children and would not consider being apart from them for more than a few hours when they're BF are not reading this thread!

I am afraid my DH won't change - well I guess he would if I jumped ship leaving him with the children, but I'm not about to test that.

If I had waited for my DH to agree to taking equal responsibility then we would not have had this second child. Surely there are others in that position? It's worked pretty well and now that little one is nearly 2 we are settling down again as a family.

Anyway, this isn't the place to go into the finer details of my marriage.

TBH, the thought of being on the west coast of the US for nearly a week, leaving the little one at home makes me feel sick.

Thanks for your replies.

Would taking your DS be an option?

Someone I worked with previously was a single Mom, and on one trip took her DD with her (she was about 3 at the time) and her DD went to nursery in the other country while colleague worked. I think she had to pay for her DD's airfare and the nursery (of course), but it meant that they weren't separated.

Croissant, I think that would be a nightmare. I can't imagine doing a transatlantic flight (11hrs) with a toddler and then handing him over to a nursery during the day, then being up all night with him being all jet lagged. Urggg.

Just found out today that I've been invited to talk at an international conference this June. Gulp. Urgggg. What to do?!

Either do you job to the best of your abilities or quit.

You wouldn't want to be a half arsed mum so why do you think your employer should put up with your doing your job half arsed.

Grevling, I do the job I am paid to do and do meet the conditions of my contract. I am not required to go to conferences and meetings, but there is an expectation.

You say I should do my job to the best of my abilities, so the question is, am I able to go away to meetings, leaving my breastfed toddler. Maybe doing so would make me a "half arsed Mum"?

I think many working parents struggle with this. I can do the job I am paid to do, but it's hard to do the extras: the meetings away from home, the evening meals with collaborators, the spontaneous conference call with the west coast of US at 5pm.

Thing is you are perfectly able to do the travel element of your job, but you would prefer not to because your DH is 'not a baby person'.

That's a decision between the two of you, but not something your employer should have to take into account. If you and your DH decide between you that he will not be taking equal responsibility for your children until they are older, that's fine, but that essentially means you can't do a job that involves some international travel until that time.

You mentioned in your first post about not being 'ready' to leave your DS yet. But will you ever be 'ready'?

There are two reasons for not feeling ready to travel. One is my husband and the other is that I am breastfeeding. I think it's quite common for the mother to do a lot more child care when the children are very young.

My husband works part time and has taken our older son away for weeks at a time. He DOES take responsibility, but he would really struggle with a toddler.

Yes, it does mean that I can't meet the expectation to travel for a period of time, but out of my whole career, three years is a very short time.

Yes, I will be ready to leave him. I resumed travel with our older son when he was just over 3.

I wouldn't leave my child for that trip but wouldn't do a job that involved any travel longer than a day. Sorry but I think you have to change your job or husband!

The problem is, those "extras" are these days pretty much part of the job. It may not specifically written in your job description, but as you say, it's expected, and your bosses won't be as impressed by you if you don't and you won't be doing your job as effectively as everyone else. So you need to decide if your career can take the hit of you being behind your colleagues/viewed as not as bothered about your career/less of a collaborator than they are.

You clearly don't want to go. Fine. But you need to accept that not going is going to hurt your career, which over 3 years is going to have a significant impact, and you can't blame your boss if he gets frustrated with you.

I am an extended bfer who finds the idea of a night away from my children whilst bfing horrible and I'm sorry but I'd still say you need to go.

I hear what you are saying about it not being a requirement, it just being expected, but to me that sounds like semantics.

By June this year your child will be what, 2.5? Old enough IMO to manage your abesence, especially if you prepare them. My DS at that age understood I had to go to hospital for a week and whilst he was sad (v little prep at all due to circs) he was fine.

If you have doubts about DH's ability can you ask whoever does childcare for DS to do a bit more? My DS' CM had him more days whilst I was in hospital and as he loves her this worked well. Could you ask friends or family who DS knows to help out? My parents came down which DS loved as he had lots of positive attention.

Obviously you don't have to take any of this advice, but it may help you see how work colleagues might be viewing your decision and this could inform how you manage the message you give if you do decide you can't go.

It is more common for mothers to do more childcare when children are young, and presumably you working part time is part of that. But working abroad for a few days once or twice a year isn't incompatible with doing more of the childcare. If it was weeks at a time and/or much more frequently, fine, but that's not the case.

Similarly (although I am certainly no breastfeeding expert), leaving a breastfed two year old is not nearly as difficult as leaving a breastfed baby of a few months.

If you decide that you don't want to do any travel until your son is older, that's a perfectly valid personal decision, but in the job you are in I think your employer would be reasonable to expect you to go at this stage. So if they do insist I think the ball is back in your court in terms of making a decision whether you and your husbands arrangements are compatible with your job.

Would it be possible for your DH and children to come with you and turn it into a holiday after the trip?

I think you have to go, if it is an annual thing and your boss has specifically asked you.

Alternatively if you worry about your DH's ability to look after your child in your absence can you recruit a short term nanny? If I was your DH though I'd be embarassed. He works p/t and can't cope with his own child, leaving you to worry about what to do when you should be preparing for an important work trip.

I don't know what to suggest about the breast feeding, presumably you could express and store it in the freezer.

Hang on a minute, added to the mix your husband also works part time? Is there a bit of that story missing (additional study he's doing, ill health, etc). If not, why are you assuming it's fair for you to do more of the childcare? The reason that's common is because often the mother takes a part time job and the father remains full time.

I think you need to focus a bit on the question you asked - which is whether it was reasonable to say you didn't want to travel or whether you should make more of an effort to go.

Unless travel is considered mandatory to your role, you can obviously refuse to go. That's always the case with optional duties, and if that's what you want to do go ahead.

BUT

This is travel maybe once a year, for something important. Your employer will think less of you if, two years in, you don't want to do that. They just will. It's not like a young baby. Only you can make the decision about whether that's a price worth paying. You seem to want people on here to tell you that you can refuse to go, that's totally reasonable, and your employer is being unreasonable to expect you to go. I'm afraid life's not that simple. We all have to balance and make sacrifices.

FWIW, I'm an extended breastfeeder and would hate the thought of being away from my kids overnight. Although, TBH, I don't actually see what breastfeeding has to do with it at this stage. Your child will be fine, you will be fine, there are ways of keeping the breastfeeding relationship going at that stage. I don't think you are any more or less tied to your child than a mother who isn't breastfeeding at that point. So, perhaps I should just say "as a mother, I would hate the thought of being away overnight", but you just have to balance it. You can't expect to opt out of important meetings and not have it have an impact on your career.

So by all means say you won't go. If your employer wants to force the issue you will have to decide whether you think they are being reasonable to make it mandatory. But that's a choice like any other, and it will probably have consequences for how you're perceived. You just have to decide if that price is worth paying...

I went away to a conference abroad when my DS was just under 2 for 5 nights. I was still bfing him, it really wasn't a big deal at all. I took a pump, but hardly used it really and things were fine when I got back.

I think you are making more of this than you need to. BFing isn't the issue.

Do you trust your DH to look after your DS, is that the real issue?

I have just refused to go on a work trip because it would involve leaving DS (16 months) who is still breastfed for 8 nights so I can completely see where you are coming from bonkers20

Perhaps this has or will have consequences for how I am perceived at work, I don't know. I would hope, though, that my enthusiasm and performance in all other aspects of my job would help mitigate any negativity my refusal might have caused in the short-term.

At what age do people think is it appropriate to ask a mum (breastfeeding or otherwise) to leave her child for a work trip? And what impact does duration of trip/distance from home have on this age limit?

Maybe I was/am being a bit pbf but as well as being concerned about the possible curtailment of our bf relationship and the distress a 9 day absence might cause DS, I worried about not being able to get home quickly in emergency.

[Whilst my employer has found someone to replace me on the trip this year, I am fairly sure I will have to go next year when DS will be over 2. I'd like to think that it will be easier/more feasible then but reading your post makes me think that anytime will be hard.]

I don't think that there are any hard and fast rules BoPeeps. I think it's a balance between time/distance/agge of baby and importance of the meeting.

They change a lot atthis age. The difference between leaving a 16 m.o. and a 2.5 year old is huge.

Thanks RB. I hope absence won't be so much of an issue this time next year.

To be honest, I guess I was just surprised by the unanimous responses to the OP's predicament (and then worried about the possible long-term consequences of my own work-trip opt out)

I guess if I was you OP I would be considering whether finances enable you to make the LA trip into a family holiday. Your fight would presumably be paid for and perhaps also accommodation for everyone if you can book a family room? Aside from the long flight it would make a great destination for an 11/12 year old with Hollywood, Universal Studios, Venice Beach, Disney etc. I'm sure your two year old would love it too!