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Original poster

WWYD for £30 difference Stay at home or go to work?

44 replies

Honeydragon · 04/01/2011 14:01

Due to go back to work next week. Have sorted out hours with work - same amount - had everything confirmed, a little late but found out today.

Organised hours with child minder who will have DS 7 and dd 1.

Discussed with dh me being a sahm, he is not keen on dd going to cm. I said we need the money. Have just calculated our costs for me working.

If I stay at home with dd, and accept what dd could contribute toward the cm and a little extra I come out with only £30 less than I would do working 3 days a week.

The other upshot is it would give me time to focus on the business we have started and build it up more.

It would save a fortune in holiday club fees

Downside is I would be putting all financial responsibility on dh and be a kept woman.... not sure how I feel about that.

And things would be a lot tighter financially, as I would no longer be able to scrabble my bonus away for xmas Grin, but I have a year to generate income in other ways.

We have managed the last year on smp and the last 3 months without that, things have been tight but the kids have been happy, and dh travels A LOT for work so it has been heaven not having to juggle childcare on my own. Dh has said he would feel happier knowing I was around full time for the kids too.

Ds has loved my being on maternity leave as I am around in the evenings and at the weekend.

I would appreciate others perspective on this one.... my main worry is lack of financial freedom I think, and trying to reenter the job market after a two year absence.

If you've read this far without collapsing from boredom thank you, all input and experiences welcome.

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 04/01/2011 14:05

I would worry about re-entering the job market too.

I know I wouldn't be happy "at home" because I saw my mother be treated as a skivvy as a housewife when I was growing up and so I couldn't do it.

It would also not be good for DH and I's relationship, which is based on sharing the burden financially (pretty) equally.

Original poster
Honeydragon · 04/01/2011 14:10

It's stupid that in this day and age being dependent on someone else is so discomforting. I'd love to do it, but have so many "what ifs". We don't share the financial burden equally at all, dh is definitely the majority earner. I have always felt better about contributing something though - no matter how little Grin

And I think my being at home would help him Confused

OP posts:
mosschops30 · 04/01/2011 14:18

This wont be a popular opinion but I do think its important to work. I know that dh acts differently towards me when Im on mat leave to when Im working.
I contribute what I can to the mortgage (about a 3rd) and pay things like council tax and tv licence, but am able to spend my money on what I want, and that means a lot to me. I would hate to have to ask dh for money for stuff like highlights or coffee out with friends.
Also love not being mum for just 2 days a week, I am me and I work hard and make a difference sometimes and that means a lot to me. I think if i was just 'mum' 7 days a week i wouldnt be happy.

HTH

Poogles · 04/01/2011 14:18

It's a difficult one! We had a similar dilemma when I went back to work, although our situation was slightly different. When I went back after DS2 we were almost worse off after paying 2 lots of nursery fees I did not and still do not want to be a SAHM (had PND after DS1 born - not sure I could cope at home all the time), although I have asked if I can reduce to a 4 day week!

I would say you need to make a list of pros and cons, what is important to you and why. I get a good pension which is another reason why I wanted to return to my Company.

Forget about the financials and work out what is important to you and what options you have. Will building the business fulfill you? Would the child care issues re school holidays & sickness cause more headache than it's worth?

I also like having my own financial independence and a sense of 'me' if that mkes sense!

mistressploppy · 04/01/2011 14:18

It's so tough, but I would stay at home. Who knows what will happen in the future (job market etc etc)? But the benefits to all of you if you stay home are significant and definite.

Ultimately your choice though Grin

Original poster
Honeydragon · 04/01/2011 14:25

Would the child care issues re school holidays & sickness cause more headache than it's worth?

Oh yes ...definitely!

I love being home with the kids... but I am relieved to hear others worry about "balance of power" not in a controlling way, but contributing. TBH whether I work or stay at home I never have money to spend on me so that's not an issue Grin

OP posts:
Feelingsensitive · 04/01/2011 14:29

I would go back, give it 6 months then review. There is more to work than your pay packet, such as time out, self esteem, financial independence, pension.The list is endless. I am a SAHM (have been for 3 years). I don't regret a minute as its made life easier in many ways. But money is tight and DH always brings up my lack of financial contribution mid argument. He was all for me being a SAHM as well but the reality of living off one wage (in our case) combined with the pressure on him as the sole earner is greater than either if us anticipated. As I say I don't regret it and for our DCs its been the best thing but we all ready for me to go back to work now. I couldn't contemplate doing this for much longer.

MamaVoo · 04/01/2011 14:42

I personally would choose to stay at home in those circumstances. It seems like a lot of hassle just for £30 a week. If you have started a business and would be able to focus on that then you would be working, and hopefully earning.

schroedingersdodo · 04/01/2011 15:34

It wouldn't even be an issue for me. I would stay home, prepare the ground to open a business (isn't it work?), my DC would be better with me.

Maybe I would open a joint account with DH (so there's no 'his money' as opposed to 'my money'). I personally don't need a 'job' to feel I have my own identity, but that's me (and as I can see, many people disagree)..

Really, I see no point having to 'work' just for the sake of it. But you have to do whatever you feel comfortable (and it's great you have DH support either way)

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 04/01/2011 15:38

I would do as feelingsensitive - 6 months work and review.

Have you looked into all the financial help such as childcare vouchers? That can be a fairly significant saving.

onlyjuststillme · 04/01/2011 15:42

If you are helping with a new business you are contributing, yes???

Original poster
Honeydragon · 04/01/2011 15:48

Dh work don't provide the vouchers and won't. If I get them it stuffs up my bonus sructure and can have a negative effect on my wages, rather than saving.

I am incredibly lucky to have this option....and tbh it would make sense to put more time into the business without sacrificing time to the kids, at the moment it is very much dh's responsibility if I go back.

Aaaaargh that's a point, if I do more grunt work there, he will get more time with the kids.

I wish I could vocalise better this nagging fear of resigning and being a sahm. Its not that I get identity through work, its just having no financial control I think - but equally going to work and expecting dh to try and help out with the childcare and effectively not seeing each other for and extra £30 per month seems selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeydragon · 04/01/2011 15:51

We need separate accounts

Dh has 'ishoos' from way back, he is generous to a fault.... and after all these years I don't think I now could have a joint account, never mind him.

OP posts:
ThatllDoPig · 04/01/2011 15:52

If all the issues around money suddenly disappeared and you had this choice what would you do?

Original poster
Honeydragon · 04/01/2011 15:53

Probably stay at home and hope I was employable again in a couple of years Grin

OP posts:
TheHouseofMirth · 04/01/2011 15:57

"I have always felt better about contributing something though - no matter how little"

Why is it that spending your time earning money is seen as the only valid contribution towards the family unit these days? If you stay at home looking after the children etc you will be saving a fortune in childcare, and, by the sounds of it, making everyone happy. You don't need to be bringng in money to do your share - the most sucessful and balanced partnerships contribute different things, don't they?

Blu · 04/01/2011 16:00

£30 pw now leads to promotion and pay rises (hopefully) a C.V and experience to keep you going until your younger gets the nursery grant and then child starts school. Possibly earns you private pension contributions?
A job is worth a lot more than just the cash now.

But with your DH away a lot you may find it hard, and you would need either lots of flexibility or an idea of what cover you could get in times of illness.

ChippingIn · 04/01/2011 16:02

Honeydragon - I do like you :)

I do understand what you are saying about feeling you have no/less financial control if you aren't 'working' - you feel like a 'kept' woman.

My 'fear' would be 'What if the relationship failed - where would I be then?' - so if you stayed home and worked on the business, would it help you if the relationship failed or would it just have helped DH build a business?

I think it's much better if one parent can be at home if they can and if they want to. So other than the worry above, if you don't have any 'career urges' then I think staying home is the best option. If you can and want to I think it makes for a more relaxed home, more time for the children and each other and less overall stress. I think it's better for the baby to be home with you, it's nice for older children to see more of you. It's so much easier not having to worry about sick children & childcare, school holidays etc

onlyjuststillme · 04/01/2011 16:03

could you draw a small wage from your business?

ThatllDoPig · 04/01/2011 16:03

If your heart is saying that you would probably stay at home for a couple of years, then you should follow it IMO. Thirty quid isn't enough to warrant not following what you want to do and what would benefit everyone else. Women return to work after being at home for various lengths of time in all professions and it all falls into place in the end.

3rdnparty · 04/01/2011 16:11

could you take a sabbatical/unpaid leave for a chunk from work some companies do offer it especially at the moment as reduces costs but leaves options open- if not then I'd say go for the break now - when/if you do look to go back to work have the best reason in interviews etc for having had a break from career - just keep an eye on technology/specialist developments in your field if that sort of role.
...if your business idea works out you may have a different 'job' in a couple of years Smile

Original poster
Honeydragon · 04/01/2011 16:13

Chipping In Blush

I do think its best for me to be at home, ds says he's happier being poor and going to the park etc on school holidays than having to go to holiday clubs/friends houses. And it would make life so much easier for dh.

However, I stayed home till ds was 2.5 when I was a springchicken 22 year old and got a lot of crap. Admittedly now I'm old and gnarly I don't give a fucking twit twoo what others think.

Plus my dh is using my Mums health as leverage....pointing out she needs looking after too!

I countered my pension and the fact that I get hugely discounted Haribo (£1 per 2kilo!) and Marks and Spencers food as a perk of my job!

Aaaaaargh, it takes me long enough to decide what to order from the chinese....I don't DO life decisions!

OP posts:
woolymindy · 04/01/2011 16:22

Stay at home, best 30 quid you will ever spend.

ChippingIn · 04/01/2011 17:15

Aaaaaargh, it takes me long enough to decide what to order from the chinese....I don't DO life decisions! Grin

OK - well, you say your DH has been a problem in the past with money, you talk about him 'contributing' to nursery fees and you say you wouldn't want a joint account with him - so how is your financial stuff set up? Could it be set up in another way so you don't feel like you are asking him for money or that he has more disposable income than you have etc?

I'm glad you are a bit older & wiser now and are past caring what others think... everyone should do what it right for them/their family and ignore all the Hmm's and comments. It's often commented on negatively when the Mum of school age children is still at home and not in paid employment, but personally I think it benefits all of the family and if you want to/can afford to then great (I know that's not your situation, just saying...).

It sounds like DH really wants you to stay at home, is this simply because he wants you to be happy/makes all of your lives easier etc or is there any and I mean any element of control about it? Whether that's over where you are, what you are doing, money, liking the control of the finances - anything at all that makes you feel a bit Hmm??

frozenfestiveflo · 04/01/2011 17:21

Hi

I am currently on my second go at being a SAHM. Went PT when my big girls went to school and gradually increased to FT by secondary school age and earnt well and had lots of disposable income and very definately independant. Along came husband no2 and family no2. I took voluntary redundancy after the death of my baby and then got a temp job while pg with the next.
Upshot is I am home with this little one, its a joint decision and yes it is hard ocassionally when I feel I need to check for spending money and yes we are hard up - BUT the payoff os worth it a million times over

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