WWYD for £30 difference Stay at home or go to work?

[Honeydragon]

Due to go back to work next week. Have sorted out hours with work - same amount - had everything confirmed, a little late but found out today.

Organised hours with child minder who will have DS 7 and dd 1.

Discussed with dh me being a sahm, he is not keen on dd going to cm. I said we need the money. Have just calculated our costs for me working.

If I stay at home with dd, and accept what dd could contribute toward the cm and a little extra I come out with only £30 less than I would do working 3 days a week.

The other upshot is it would give me time to focus on the business we have started and build it up more.

It would save a fortune in holiday club fees

Downside is I would be putting all financial responsibility on dh and be a kept woman.... not sure how I feel about that.

And things would be a lot tighter financially, as I would no longer be able to scrabble my bonus away for xmas , but I have a year to generate income in other ways.

We have managed the last year on smp and the last 3 months without that, things have been tight but the kids have been happy, and dh travels A LOT for work so it has been heaven not having to juggle childcare on my own. Dh has said he would feel happier knowing I was around full time for the kids too.

Ds has loved my being on maternity leave as I am around in the evenings and at the weekend.

I would appreciate others perspective on this one.... my main worry is lack of financial freedom I think, and trying to reenter the job market after a two year absence.

If you've read this far without collapsing from boredom thank you, all input and experiences welcome.

I'm a SAHM but that's because when we moved to America a couple of years ago I didn't have a work permit. The lack of choice was what got to me, more than the actual being at home, ifywim. I think maybe go back for 6 months then review it and you can resign in time for the summer holidays if the childcare is going to be more of hassle at that point. The pension is a good argument. I may regret not paying into my teachers' pension when I am old and wrinkly! Ultimately, follow your heart and what is best for you and your family equally.

The seperate accounts was originally my idea, a former flame of dh's (long before moi) slept with his best friend while he was overseas, and when he pointed out that he no longer wished to be in the relationship she moved out of his house leaving him with a teaspoon and a broken toaster. She literally cleaned him out. I've no issue dh would either set a standing order into my account of withdraw cash at the beginning of each month.

We had issues over money early in our relationship and marriage which I think really stemmed from a large disparity in income and age gap.

But that's long gone now. He's had a promotion this year and his hours have rocketed and if this helps support him I'd like to do it, Chipping in... your assessment

it makes for a more relaxed home, more time for the children and each other and less overall stress. I think it's better for the baby to be home with you, it's nice for older children to see more of you. It's so much easier not having to worry about sick children & childcare, school holidays etc

is spot on for us. And I've spent sweet f.a on clothes and stuff this year, a never realised how much a work wardrobe cost till I lived in jeans for 365 days! so it is possible to cut back I guess.

frozenfestiveflo
for the circumstances before your redundancy, I remember finding plenty to do to keep entertained for free and having to leave my wallet at home to avoid temptation on the way home , glad its working out for you.

HD - feel free to just think about this and not answer if you don't want to, but don't you think it's somewhat damaging to your relationship and indeed maybe a large part of what is making you feel so unsure about this decision - that neither of you are happy to have a joint account and trust each other - it feels like he's 'punsishing' you for what his ex did and that you are still holding onto the feelings you had in the early part of your relationship - I think that has to have an underlying affect on your relationship? Financial security/sense of having equal control of the money?

I know many people do have separate accounts, but this is about your situation, not others.

CHipping - Yeah I wondered that, but we have no secrets financially, just separate bank accounts. We do have a joint one as well for convenience but don't use it.

In fact dh and I were discussing it again tonight and he asked whether I want a card to his account or a standing order each month into my account.

When we were first together I had a few issues as he earned so much more than me and I felt I had to contribute and couldn't and sorted of resented him. And he resented me for always being in debt.

Ultimately, my wage is basic but I can earn a good commission, which covers treats, holiday spending money, kids clubs and xmas. I never tell dh what I put away and he never asks, I guess really I'm going to miss having that safety net to dip into and the security of knowing Xmas is paid for. I think this is whats concerning me the most.

However if the kids are off sick longer than a week, I'll have to pay the child minder but will lose my salary so we would lose that back up money then too.

But if I have more time for the business I can draw in further income there to hide away.

I know this would make dh happy and his life easier, and the kids too, and dh has pointed out I can't MN at work

Well, honeydragon, I think you've nearly made your decision.

Re the money issues, I agree with ChippingIn (even though it's not our business). I personally believe that once you have a child together, there is no more 'yours' and 'mine' in a way. You share the most important thing (a person), so how could you not share the less important stuff, like money? (cheesy, I know, but that's how I feel).

Just make it clear that if you stay home, he will have peace of mind, and it is worth money! I mean, you may not be bringing home cash, but you are making it possible for him to work with no worries so he can focus on the job. You two are supposedly a team so it doesn't matter (ideally) who does what, as long as the result is good for every one (money in the bank, happy child, happy parents, etc).

HD - I don't think it's about secrets as such, but trust and all of the money you both have being accessible by you both - he needs to be more 'vulnerable' and you need to be less 'vulnerable' and it seems like he appreciates that - I think you should have a card to his account or use the joint account or whatever. Young and stupid days - we were all there once (some around here are still there! LOL Envy them in some ways, but not others!!). I do think though, that those feelings stay with us, deep down and I think it's something you really need to think about as I believe it's a large part of why you aren't entirely happy with the idea of staying home/relying on DH to bring the money in.

How will things work out with the business if you work on it? Is it a side line for DH or something entirely different you both work on? Is it something you could take on entirely for/by yourself?

Would you be able to create your safety net from the business? It might not pay as much but you wont have the expenses either (childcare/transport etc).

You know it will make DH & the kids happier :) which is a consideration, but it's not all there is to it. YOU need to be happy with your decision and hopefully we can talk it through to a point where you are happy with your decision.

When would you have to let work know?

If you want to stay at home full time and you are financially able to do it, then just bloody do it!

I'm going to call them tomorrow, run past them whether I can take a leave of absence option or have to resign?

I think its the right thing to do and I am possibly making an issue out of nothing. I am not fussed about belt tightening - I'll be happier having dd at home with me and knowing that I'll be there for chicken pox etc, and not missing out on the little milestones. They grow up so quickly and dh and intend to stop at two. So a big part of me is really keen. If the worst comes to worst and it all goes tits up I'll get another job no matter how crap somehow.

And to quote "Friends" - it might give me the FEAR to get the business going better, and take over more of the day to day running and build up a better client base. I have missed working in sales.

What would I do without Mumsnet? I'd be sweating, gibbering and farting in a corner by now yelling "what do I dooooooooooo????!!!

I am self employed and due to my fathers ill health i have not yet returned to work since early Aug 2010 with just an ad hoc day here and there between times. This is the 3rd break in employment for me in our 8 yr relationship.

DH and I have our own accounts and a joint one which we pay all the bills from tho he puts the money into it.

We both buy things for ourselves, each other and the house without repayment.

The bulk of my money pays for home improvements amd the odd holiday and savings.

If i run short then i get some from DH which isn't required to be paid back.

If you'd find it easier as a family for you to be working at home and in your own bisiness then i would go for it, it does sound like childcare could be a huge pain for you given dh travelling and the usually run of childhood illnesses.

I don't think for £30 going to work is worth it, personally speaking. I reckon you could save that amount just by not having all the associated costs of going to work eg. clothes, lunches, childcare etc..

Chipping

i didnt go back to work for £50, a week with 2... after child care and not even considering running the car.
but then i was unhappy in my job.

don't you have to go back though? - ie didnt you tell them you were?

not read all thread, rather rudely

Honey - When I moved to Australia I did initially look into working but it was quite half-heartedly. DH was looking for work of course, and when he got a good job, the need for me to work disappeared. I still kept an option open to work at a small shop for a while but in the end it just didn't work out.

Initially I hated not having my own money. Really hated having to ask for cash. DH gave me his visa card (he had another card on the same account) but sometimes cash is necessary. So after a short while we set up a savings account for me (banks are a bit complicated here with fees etc.) and then a while after that he started to put money into it for me. EVentually I got it made into a monthly standing order - would you believe he was scared that I would build up sufficient money in there to flee the country should I wish to! No chance of that anyway, with what I get.

We are now in the process of having his account made into a joint account in case anything happens to him - he's on the road a lot.

I would like to work from home more - that's what I was doing in the UK before we moved out here - and was pulling in about £100 less per month than he was. Unfortunately I am not in a good position to do the same job here - can't get insurance, don't want strangers in my home, that kind of thing.

Ds is 3 - I don't want to put him in childcare particularly; DH doesn't particularly want him to go into childcare and we're not asking MIL to look after him the whole time (ABSOLUTELY not!)

It is hard to start with, I am still not fully resigned to it and will try to get a job whenever DS is in school; but am not prepared to compromise just yet. If I had a great job, I'd probably try a bit harder - but I don't. Having worked for 25years, it does feel rather strange not to be pulling in regular income!

For the money you are getting, I think I would decide to stay at home. Depends on how attached you are to your job and whether you could get back into it if you resigned now.

Not much help!

I agreed to go back, had a meeting gave them 12 weeks notice, Had further meetings. After repeatedly calling them they have finally confirmed details of my return today .

Hence I have only been able to calculate all costs entailed today and thought ....crap, dh might be right.

And already before I start they have asked me to swap days around and work overtime on my first week back and others.

Tbf I know flexi time work requests go both ways... but I requested to go from 20 hours a week to 19 to fit into their new daily structure, in return I get this!

Xpost Thumb..... I am currently less attached to be job than normal at present

No I probably wouldn't go back for that unless you feel you need to keep your hand in career wise.

I returned to worl after DD2 and left after 1 day, it wasn't worth it for £100 a month.

I now work for myself and am starting a job next week which is mainly school hours, baby at nursery anyway because I am a lazy cow DH works long hours and is away a lot.