professional to SAHM?

[athometomakejam]

Before having DS1, I worked for the same very large multinational company for over 10 years and reached a very senior position. When I went on maternity leave, colleagues, friends and family all thought I'd be desperate to get back to work but almost as soon as I was off, I switched off from work and was more than happy to take the full year off. I was happy to go back after a year, but only on 3 days a week with DS at nursery. Now I'm on mat leave with DS2 and am thinking of extending my leave to 18 months at which time DS1 will be at school and then maybe just go back for enough time so I don't have to repay my maternity pay before resigning to be a SAHM.

We're fortunate that we can - just - afford to live on one salary and I feel that as DC get older they need me more and I don't like the idea of not picking them up from the school gates and not taking them to after-school activities and essentially everything at evenings and weekends being a rush of doing things for them and together and getting the chores done.

I know it's my decision (with DH of course) but the couple of people I've told have been really surprised with comments like 'that doesn't sound like you'. Work-wise, I like my job bt I don't see it as a career any more, it is just a job to me.

I'd love to hear any experiences from people who have made a similar move - am I looking at this through rose-tinted spectacles?? I'm also a bit scared of leaving a company in which I've built up a good reputation at a high level in terms of what if I did want to go back to work in 1/5/10 years?

I left a senior job I loved and was good at shortly after my second maternity leave ended. My DH and I sat down and worked out what was important to us individually and as a family and I admitted to myself that my career and job, which I loved, was no longer as important to me as it was. I never thought I would feel like this.

My friends had a sweepstake as to how long it would take before I was doing something else but I was happy to have some time out and have no plans. I did spend a while looking into other options but when push came to shove, I was unwilling to give up any of the time I have with my children. I know I won't "not work" forever but I still have no plans.

I love being at home, doing all the cliched stuff, being around to learn about what makes my children tick, have the time to listen and just be. The longer I am at home, the less I want to be elsewhere. I know I may feel differently when they are older but I still want to be around for before and after school and not be too busy to listen. I gave my all to my job when I worked and now I want that all to be for my family.

There are ground hog days, but not every day at work was fantastic either! Living on one salary is a pain as we have less disposable income and more people to pay for but I do see this as my choice so it's something I could change if I wanted to. I also wonder if I have wasted my education and experience etc and what I will do when I decide that I do want to go back to work but I'm OK with that too.

Many people have a stereotype of SAHMs having a very laid back life. IMO, and IME, if you are the kind of person who had a busy, stimulating career that you gave your all to, you will do exactly the same when you are a SAHM.

The big killer for SAHMs is not having enough money to enjoy life to the full.

You sound like you wany to be a SAHM and your perspective has changed since DCs came along. Some people like my DW dont feel that way and want to go back to work and other like you dont.

You dont have to live up to what other people think as long as your DH genuinley feels happy with you no longer working and you are not railroading him into it. Also make sure he knows you stil need your own money and you have an agreed budget for you to use as you wish.

Far too many people fall into this and then the SAHM suddenly finds her DH sees it as the green light for him to dump responsibility for everthing at home and saving money she no longer earns by not allowing her any freedom to spend on what she needs as a kind of quid pro quo for the fact she is not working.

Realistically, you will not be able to go back into a high powered job in 5 - 10 years time if you stop doing it now.

Life does not work that way.

Agree with Beenbeta - excellent post.

thanks MistyB - that's exactly how I feel now.

BeenBeta - good points that I know we do need to work through as already feel a bit jittery about not earning and althogh we've never had "his and hers" spending, I don't know how I'll feel not to have any income of my own - especially as I'm the bigger earner at the mo. DH seems happy with the idea, although he's worried financially (unnecessarily IMO but he likes the big buffer we have now)but I do worry that he'll see it as the soft option - even on mat leave I sometimes get the 'what have you done today apart from have coffee with your friends?' - when he doesn't seem to get that looking after DC is a job in itself and sometimes, with routines and outings etc the day really does fly by without huge tranches of time to do the ironing in.
Don't get me wrong, he does do his bit but I do find myself thanking him for doing the ironing or whatever when i don't get thanked for making dinner! How have others got round the 'you're at home so should do everything' opinion - I don't want this to escalate

also re returning to work in 5-10 years I totally see that I wouldn't pick up where I left off, but I guess I'm worried that I'll be seen as overqualified for more junior jobs, even though I wouldn't be able to get the more senior job. Lots can change though so I guess maybe a worry I need to put aside

A word of caution, I gave up a high flying career as a company director to help my husband build a business and to spend more time with my kids.

Then 10 yrs on he left us. I had to go back to work to support us all. It was more or less impossible to get back into what I used to do. As a lone parent no one would consider me for a senior corporate job and as mine is a small industry everyone knew I was on my own with 2 small kids.

I now work full time as a consultant, am paid the same as I was on 10 years ago! We get by and I only got the job because they didnt realise I was on my own and I didnt tell them until after I started work

The lack of money is hard sometimes for me - I used to earn double what DH earns and had my own bank account which always had a five-figure balance, whereas now we're broke with a joint overdraft. And the lack of recognition or ability to see where my hard work went can wear me down some days.

Still I don't regret my choice one jot. DH does help out with housework, and to give him his due when I thank him he says 'well, it's half my mess and you've got your hands full all day'. He does all the ironing too. It helps that he has had times where he's had DS all day by himself and is like a wrung-out dishrag at the end of the day. In fact many mornings as DH goes to work he leaves shaking his head saying 'I don't know how you cope. I'm off to do the easy option and drink coffee at my desk in peace.' (DS is not badly behaved, he's just... relentless. And very, very energetic.)

I agree with Beenbeta

You have to make sure that you and your DH are on the same page

My DH has been on gardening leave while I was a SAHM so he had all his 'its all coffee and flim flam' thoughts wiped away.
he went back to work not envying my day at all and appreciating all that my being at home achieves for ALL of us.

It was hard to lose the status that being a senior professional gives you. Initially I didn't care but as you get older and life tends to make women more annonymous it does start to grate. Being talked to as if i am an idiot by Doctors or builders pisses me off. I remember sitting in a solicitors office and having her start to explain a basic contract with the air of someone who was trying to talk me through brain surgery [sigh].

Equally , 13 years out of my career I know I could never go back. But the skills I had then are transferable I think. Management skills, professionalism , good work ethic should allow a new start should you chose.

But generally, if you enjoy your life and your choices don't create burdens that your DH resents , it is great.
Ultimately other people being anxious about your choices are usually projecting their own insecurities. And you should live the life that you want to.

athometomakejam - your post @ 10:39:34 leaves me thinking your DH is going along with the idea but money is major issue for him and will want you to cut back on your spending and he clearly also feels SAHP is not proper work.

Sorry but you need to get through those issues with him. Negotiating a proper budgeted amount of money set up as a transfer from his account each month for you to send as you wish would be a good start as well as a credit card on his account for you to use on household expenditure. Dont end up piling it all on your card and then asking him to pay it off.

Sorry to make it all sound so clinical but this is a big financial step you are taking and making DH face up to it by making him set up a transfer out of his bank will unearth his true feelings - and yours. Agreeing what each of you will take responsibility for at home will also be an interesting discussion. You should not feel grateful for him doing some ironing and if you do then he should be paying for an cleaning/ironing service.

Unless it was a decision that you are your DH had come to together and he was fully supportive I wouldn't even consider it.

If taking DC to school etc is a priority for you, have you thought of you going back for your 3 days and DH dropping a day or two at his work? Afterall, if staying at home is as easy as he says he will be glad too . The benefits of this would be that you still earn and the DC would only need childcare for one or two days a week, which is a great compromise and easy to handle.

I think that for most people their attitude to work changes after having children and your focus is more at home, what you describe is perfectly normal.

Thanks for all the posts.

BeenBeta - we do need to go through the money thing, but we essentially live on one salary now with the rest going into various forms of savings but as I handle all this side of things, he just feels instinctively jittery. Both our salaries already go to the joint a/c and we only have joint credit cards

Ineedsomesleep - I have said this but apparently it is 'impossible' for him to do this. To be fair I can see his point - at my workplace it seems far more acceptable for a woman to have to leave to collect children whereas if one of the guys says this it's seen as a bit odd and you have to be pretty strong as a guy to stand by your guns. When we only had DS and I was working, we agreed that he'd collect from nursery on a regular day once a week so that he'd keep more involved and I wouldn't have to leave on time every day. It only meant him leaving at 5, but after the initial novelty wore off, at least 2 out of 3 weeks, he'd either call me at 5.30 and say he was just leaving work and probably wouldn't make it, or I'd call around 5 to check he was collecting DS and he'd say he couldn't get away - always rankled that he never seemed to think maybe it was inconvenient for me but I always did manage to leave because ....well, I just have to as DS needs picking up!!
This is getting off the point a bit, but is a small part of the reason I'd like to stay at home, to take away that sort of juggling

Myself I would try to stick at it for a little longer. You obviously have a great company there that is happy for you to do a senior role in a three day week.
You also may find that once you are back after this ML (as you suggest, to keep the pay) you get into the swing of it again and appreciate the break it gives you (in a different sense!). My job was changed after my second baby and I thought about not going back. A year down the line I am very glad I gave it a shot. I don't love my work either, but I like the balance it gives me - plus you never know what's round the corner. If when the kids are both at FT school, I want to go back to something more challenging, it is going to be easier from some form of employment than from being a SAHM.

ineedsomesleep: I may be out of line but it seems to me that you a lot of the reason you are thinking of becoming a SAHM is to help your husband out because he beleives it is ultimately your responsibility to look after the children (as per your last post always rankled that he never seemed to think maybe it was inconvenient for me but I always did manage to leave because ....well, I just have to as DS needs picking up!!)

But on the other hand your worried because your Husband doesnt really beelive childcare to be a proper job...

I am confused... What does he want exactly? for you to go to work... but somewhere that you can drop what you are doing at any given time to do things for the children?

You seem to be doing all the bending.

An yes I think the fact that you wont be able to go back to your job in 10 years should play big part in your thinking. Once you have children they will need you on various different levels for the rest of your life. The baby/toddler stage is 4 years. The school-run days are another 6... do you really want to burn so many bridges just for the sake of physically being there for the next 10 years?

If your husband was completely behind you, it wouldnt be so bad, but it seems to me that elastamums warning should be paid attention to.

Through the years I have lost count of the number of women I have seen end up with no career, custody of the children, and no money. Whilst the husband enjoys the fruits of all the paid labour he has been doing while they were at home.

This is a very interesting thread so thank you for starting it.

I am a SAHM (I didn't leave a fabulous career to do it, but I chose a rather dowdy profession. It was a good enough career) and I wholeheartedly love it and generally feel happy and confident with my decision. A lot of what Pagwatch said rings a very big bell with me though. My DH refuses to accept that I've buggered my career for good and I really do want to believe him. Given that we are probably going to be working to at least our late 60s I think I've got time to do something good with my working life after this break. I have met loads of women who've reinvented themselves after an extended break (usually doing something public-sectorish) and I fully intend to try to do the same.

All that said, your description of your DH's attitude to nursery pickup is depressing. It sounds like you've been the ultimate backstop for a very long time, letting him get away with being rather lackadaisical about his home responsibilities, and you need to be sure that you're not just formalising this arrangement and adding a loss of status to it for good measure.

If you do become a SAHM make sure you establish ground rules as others have advised and make sure he doesn't get to ditch all domestic responsibility and become the carefree, fun dad who never has to do any of the crap stuff. I firmly believe it is not good for anyone to do this, as much for their own benefit as anything else.

I don't think I'm as much of a doormat as the impression I seem to have created, but I do feel I do most of the flexing. Decision re SAHM is definitely something I want rather than my way of making DH's life easier! DH falls into the category that I see quite a lot of in my work environment - men who say (and truly do believe) that their family is the most important thing to them, but due to lack of will/encouragement/expectation at work or whatever, end up being at work lots rather than at home because work always has the more pressing deadlines

He's with me in theory, just work things get in way; in a recent discussion he volunteered that even if I was at home he'd like to pick DC up from nursery once a week (I'd still like them to go twice a week) and I know he genuinely does want this, it's just that the evidence of when I was working doesn't suggest it'll actually happen. Not that I would expect it - if I'm SAHM then drop-off/collection is well within my remit, but it does illlustrate the difference between where he is/would like to be in his head and the reality.

Definitely take on board points about ground rules on domestic front. If I can get the extended leave, then this'll give us time to see how it works and I might change my mind about full-time SAHM so at this stage it's not an immediate decision to give up, but I would like to give this next year or so the best chance so thanks for all the words of encouragement and caution.

Its great that you've got the extended maternity leave so you can make an informed decison. It really is swings and roundabouts you have to do what suits you both and ignore what others think. Some of the women I met cut short their maternity leave as they preferred being at work, but for me staying at home was a no brainer.

I left a high powered very well paid job to be a SAHM and have personally never regretted it for a second. But then I wasnt that happy with my job which was extremely demanding and unchild friendly (involving long hours and international travel at the drop of a hat and DH is very supportive of me being at home. We talked it through and if I hadnt wanted to be at home he would have given up his job and been a SAHD. His job is demanding and unpredictable he appreciates not having to factor in worry about pick ups who had the children etc.

You sound completely like me a couple of years ago. I did it after DS2, and we moved out of London so there really was no going back!

However, I started freelancing from home in the same industry. I just couldn't hack it at home.

It's not that I didn't enjoy the motherhood bit, because I did - I was just useless at the housewife bit. I can't clean or tidy for toffee and I became miserable suddenly having to do something I was really bad at!

I was also very bad at not being financially independent. DH wasn't great at treating everything as family money either so I decided I needed my own money, for both our sakes!

Also, there's nothing wrong with having a job that you don't see as a career anymore. It can still be fun and fulfilling.

I now arrange my work so that I can pick DS up from school at least 3 days a week and drop him off every day.

My career has effectively hit a brick wall but I enjoy what I do and it keeps my hand in should I ever need to go back full time.

And I can afford a cleaner

everyone, including myself really, was a bit when i decided to become a sahm after DC2 (went back for 6 months to get maternity pay and really make sure) as i had always been career focused and studied for a long time, worked my way up etc.
i am enjoying being a sahm on the whole, but i am also studying 15 hours a week (have 10 hours childcare, rest is evenings) which kind of keeps my brain going. without that i think i would be bored.
i am not good at the housework side of it but and i think that that and the lack of money will eventually drive me back to work.
dh wasn't that keen initially tbh but he accepts i am a lot happier, a lot less tired and stressed and all of us are healthier for it. he can see the benefits for the children. there are less benefits for him and he has to take the hit in money too so i feel just a bit guilty about that. (i was always major wage earner)
anyway, sorry for long post, it is complicated...

tbh i felt my career had stalled so much after DC2 that it wouldn't harm much by leaving completely!
i figure that i am 36, have maybe 30 more years to go in the workforce, so i can, if i want, work my way back up again.

wrt to money our money has always gone into one account (and in the past i have been the major contributor) so i never feel that i am financially dependent on DH in terms of him giving me money. i expect over a lifetime it will even out.

athometomakejam - I am not making any excuses for men here at all but it is to some extent a truism that firms do not take kindly to men asking for any kind of flexibility in order to fit in family life.

I know from experience how hard it is to break out of that straight jacket. Society still expects women to take the bulk of childcare responsobility and am afraid that your DH will as he gets promoted have even less flexibility and you will de facto become 100% responsible for the home.

In your position, I really would consider whether hiring a nanny, nursery and a cleaner as a back up team might be a better solution and as other posters have suggested stick it out for a while and see how it goes once that back up team is in place.

I would also say that as children gets older their needs for care really peaks about age 7 and then it noticeably drops away.

I had my first DS just over a year ago and was in a senior position in a career I absolutely loved and that is hard to get into. When it came for me to talk to them about my return from ML, they told me it had to be full-time. I didn't want DS in nursery for the 50 hours a week that would have meant so I didn't go back. It was the hardest decision I ever made.

Being a SAHM was never part of my plan. Some days I'm bored but then you have bored days at work, even in a job you like. Financially, things have changed dramatically but I see it as a challenge. I try to keep busy.

Going to work full-time and leaving your children in childcare is difficult and requires sacrifice. Working part-time, juggling both and taking the career hit is difficult and requires sacrifice. Staying at home and giving up your career is difficult and requires sacrifice. But those are the choices we face and you just have to pick the one you can live with the most.

I also try to view it like this: in my 20s, I did the career/London thing. In my 30s, for now, I'm doing the mummy thing. In my 40s, no doubt I'll do something else.

I had reached a similar conclusion to you and I resigned a couple of months ago. I am also senior in a role in the city, had gone down to 4 days, 3 in the office and 1 at home, after DC2. When I resigned, my employer really wanted me to stay and has agreed a massively flexible arrangement with me, which basically halves my hours, but with no tie as to when I work them as long as I do enough on an annual basis.

I have just started the new pattern and its working ok so far. I am still busier than I'd like, but I've managed to spend an afternoon with a friend on mat leave, pick my DD up from school and take her to after school clubs etc most days, take my DS to his swimming lesson, join and actually use a gym.

I guess my point is, if you have any doubts at all, its worth exploring what else you might be able to agree, as you will probably never be in such a good position in terms of your long term reputation in a company you have worked for for 10 years and where you are well thought of.

Good luck.

beenbeta I disagree about it being hard for men to be flexible at work for the children.
Anywhere i've ever worked it has been the attitude that
'ah, isnt he a good dad, leaving early to take his little girl to ballet, bless'

and

'typical mother, putting her child first and shirking her work responsibilities, tut tut'