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Original poster

One of them stole my friend's life, now her name. **DISTRESSING CONTENT WARNING BY MNHQ**

71 replies

Redbird87 · 17/08/2023 08:02

I'm so mad, I can't stand it. About a decade ago, a girl who'd grown to be my friend, who I went to school with and whose cheeks I used to smoosh in my hands because her little face fit just perfectly there, was kidnapped and shot in the back of the head. Our community is dangerous, especially for women, and she, her partner, a roommate, and unborn baby were tied up, tortured, raped, locked in a closet, then systematically shot execution style.

It was bad enough when it happened, and outsiders commented on news sites and even her online obituary that this is what happens to women like her, that she's the murderer for being an addict, and it was good there was one less junkie. Out of all the terrible shit happening in my home community, it was especially awful, and every few years I look up this monster (in the US we can look up prisoners, their designation etc) and while thank god he's still in the men's prison, HE LEGALLY CHANGED HIS NAME TO HERS.

Friends, I went the fuck off. Usually my temper isn't allowed in my home bc I don't want to perpetuate the violence I grew up in, especially since my bf and his brother, our roommate, aren't from my community and I wasn't raised to let outsiders see me like that. But I lost my mind for a while, I threw up and punched the beams of the house and kicked them until my middle toes were shattered. I demanded my bf, who is one of those non-binary people, tell me if he thought that CREATURE belongs in a women's prison, and he said no, but it makes my soul sick that it takes that much to admit that this shit might be amiss.

He knew I desisted, for much of our relationship I identified as a man, and he knew I'm gender critical, but I went off. I hate them, they still have male privilege, they burned our community to the ground. I've been physically ill since finding out, I even thought out how I could get to him and get revenge against him, but can't let myself.

In my community, we're able to talk to aunties who help us when we're so sick like this. We can't ask for them to, but their intuition guides them to us and it used to be, I'd walk through tall grass to bundle lemon grass and sage and red cedar, and the quiet voices of my people's precious, beautiful elder women would get me through it. I could go to the lodge and sweat until I'm dizzy and the love of these women would fill my pores where the grief and anger eating me left. I know that's very woo woo but please try to understand how much it hurts when this soul medicine is out of reach bc our community centers are full of progress flags and cries to help men like the one who murdered my beautiful friend and stole her name like a ghoul.

I've been hurt by tw before, but finding this out and being told I need to understand how hard it is for THEM when I try to get help for these overwhelming feelings has made me so sick to my core. I haven't eaten in two days, have persistent stomach upset, and haven't stopped trembling. I don't even need a hand hold, I need to be heard and maybe listen to women who've been hurt by monsters like this.

Sorry for the rant, if a mod or whatever needs proof, I'll happily provide it if I stay anon.

Distressing content warning added to the thread title by MNHQ.

OP posts:
Helleofabore · 17/08/2023 08:23

Flowers You have been heard.

I cannot even begin to understand the pain and confusion you feel.

Soubriquet · 17/08/2023 08:25

That is absolutely disgusting and I’m sorry. So so so sorry that you have to suffer through this for the fetish of a man.

He deserves to be in a man’s prison being someone’s little bitch

risefromyourgrave · 17/08/2023 08:29

Good god that is horrific, I can’t even begin to understand how that knowledge must feel. Whoever gave the monster the permission to change his name to the name of your lovely friend must be severely lacking in any sense of morality or empathy.
Flowers A truly awful situation and I hope you can find healing away from your ‘progressed’ community centres.

HorribleNecktie · 17/08/2023 08:31

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend RedBird, that is such a harrowing and awful story. The taking of her name smacks of a serial killer trophy and rank fetishisation.

StopStartStop · 17/08/2023 08:31

💐
Your anger is justified.
May the aunties find you and soothe you. I will pray.
May a path appear that helps you, and others. Your anger is not without purpose.

TheCheerfulNihilist · 17/08/2023 08:32

Skinwalkers, the lot of them.

PuttingDownRoots · 17/08/2023 08:34

Was he convicted of her murder? And still allowed to use that name?

How can anyone thing that is right?

StopStartStop · 17/08/2023 08:37

TheCheerfulNihilist · 17/08/2023 08:32

Skinwalkers, the lot of them.

I had to look up 'skinwalkers' but it describes the situation perfectly.

IcakethereforeIam · 17/08/2023 08:37

There's probably no law to stop him because no one thought anyone would do something so vile.

OP I'm so sorry.

ZeldaFighter · 17/08/2023 08:40

I hear you and I feel your rage.

Taking your friends name is inhuman.

When you are more healed, would there be somewhere that we can write to, to protest this barbarism?

pickledandpuzzled · 17/08/2023 08:46

Bless you, Redbird.

I hope the voices of wise women find you, comfort you and help you direct your righteous rage towards healing yourself and challenging the injustice you see, and that you find allies to support you.

Catsanfan · 17/08/2023 08:58

Was he convicted of her murder and nonetheless allowed to change his name to hers?!

Original poster
Redbird87 · 17/08/2023 09:05

Thanks so much for your kind words, everybody. She went by her middle name, which is what he's changed his name to, but we all know what he's up to. Where we live isn't progressive at all, which is usually a burden, but I'm so relieved this garbage will probably not see a women's prison.

Idk how he escaped the death penalty, I'm sure there was a plea bargain involved. The fetal death was counted as a homicide, so it's in his record too. I'm going to send it to one of those people compiling crimes like this, but currently I've been useless lol.

OP posts:
Catsanfan · 17/08/2023 09:08

How awful, what state are you in? In some ways I agree with the death penalty but in other ways it makes it easier for the murderer

ImGoingThroughChanges · 17/08/2023 09:08

Sending love and strength to you @Redbird87

MNHQ
LivMumsnet · 17/08/2023 09:23

Morning all. Thanks for all your reports; a fair few MNers have asked us to add a 'distressing content' warning in the thread title and we've now added this in so that folk are aware before they click.

OP, we're so sorry to hear about your friend. Peace and love to all. Flowers

AlisonDonut · 17/08/2023 09:28

There really are no words that we are allowed to say on here, lest we be banned. But that is one of the most horrific stories I've heard regarding this utter shitshow.

Please don't damage yourself in this, you need to be strong to keep on fighting this outrage. Xxx

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 17/08/2023 09:30

I hear you and your pain and grief and anger. You are not alone in it, you are justified in it Flowers

Original poster
Redbird87 · 17/08/2023 09:53

@Catsanfan This happened in Missouri, which usually doesn't back away from the death penalty. I wish he was just gone, earlier I'd just check up on him every few months, knowing he was locked up forever in an awful place, no hope of parole, occasionally catching a new prison tattoo on his face. Ngl I do wish he was dead, but also dread so much how much attention he'd get for being a poor victim of our transphobic society. So now he lives in limbo in my head, much like he does in his little cell.

@LivMumsnet Hrrrgh ofc it is, sorry. I can delete the thread, wasn't even thinking of how it might effect others.

@AlisonDonut Yes, getting this out has actually helped so much. My heart feels a little less anxious, and my blood pressure's gone down a bit lol. Currently reaching out to the surviving roommate to see if we can write the prison board and have him stuck in solitary on the anniversary of the deaths, no TV or books or anything.

@Whatswhatwhichiswhich Thanks so much, y'all are so kind and strong. Just putting this to text has made me feel so much less crazy.

OP posts:
Catsanfan · 17/08/2023 10:03

@Redbird87 bless you - we are here for you, just let us know what we can do if it will help you in any little way

RavingStone · 17/08/2023 10:24

What a disgusting man.

I'm so sorry for your friend and for what sounds like an appropriation of your local sense of community too.

BonfireLady · 17/08/2023 10:27

@Redbird87 I've been on threads with you before and have always valued your comments, particularly so knowing that you have desisted (only being able to guess slightly at the difficulty you must have experienced on the journey to and from transition) and the angle and experience that you bring to conversations because of this.

Firstly, sending 💐💐💐 That sounds awful and I completely understand why it is beyond comprehension.

Secondly, when you are ready.... could you write her story? From the time that she was at school, painting the picture of your friends as you remember her, to everything that has happened including now. Perhaps this would help you find a channel for your anger but, just as importantly, it would get her story heard. With her name belonging to her. Some of the "prose" you've written above is reminiscent of Where the Crawdads Sing (in atmosphere - on reading it I can get an understanding of your community even though it's very different from mine) and The Glass Castle (in its honesty and delivery). I'm not trying to be insensitive to the pain you're feeling - and I hope it doesn't come across that I am - but just wondering if this would be something you would consider at some point to be both cathartic and a way of fighting back at the horror and injustice of it all. It wouldn't have to be perfect as an editor can help with the final polish, but from what you have written above you have a way with words.

PatatiPatatras · 17/08/2023 10:30

😶

Well I did not expect that.
My condolences and i have rage energy if you need to keep going...

I thought checks were done during name changes?

DeanElderberry · 17/08/2023 10:34

Redbird I hope you won't be offended if I pray for you and for your friend and those who died with her.

The catholic catechism has something about the importance of people's names, given them in the sacrament of baptism, and stresses that taking them in vain is analogous to taking god's name in vain. Your outrage carries a sense of that - taking her life was a form of blasphemy and so was his stealing her name.

Express all the rage you need to. I hope that one day, somehow, you can come through that to peace.

Datdamndamp · 17/08/2023 10:51

I am so sorry Redbird. I have heard you and I hope that peace and the way to deal with this comes to you. I respect that you have shared the story of your friend, thank you. I will think of her and the others.

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