I'm so mad, I can't stand it. About a decade ago, a girl who'd grown to be my friend, who I went to school with and whose cheeks I used to smoosh in my hands because her little face fit just perfectly there, was kidnapped and shot in the back of the head. Our community is dangerous, especially for women, and she, her partner, a roommate, and unborn baby were tied up, tortured, raped, locked in a closet, then systematically shot execution style.
It was bad enough when it happened, and outsiders commented on news sites and even her online obituary that this is what happens to women like her, that she's the murderer for being an addict, and it was good there was one less junkie. Out of all the terrible shit happening in my home community, it was especially awful, and every few years I look up this monster (in the US we can look up prisoners, their designation etc) and while thank god he's still in the men's prison, HE LEGALLY CHANGED HIS NAME TO HERS.
Friends, I went the fuck off. Usually my temper isn't allowed in my home bc I don't want to perpetuate the violence I grew up in, especially since my bf and his brother, our roommate, aren't from my community and I wasn't raised to let outsiders see me like that. But I lost my mind for a while, I threw up and punched the beams of the house and kicked them until my middle toes were shattered. I demanded my bf, who is one of those non-binary people, tell me if he thought that CREATURE belongs in a women's prison, and he said no, but it makes my soul sick that it takes that much to admit that this shit might be amiss.
He knew I desisted, for much of our relationship I identified as a man, and he knew I'm gender critical, but I went off. I hate them, they still have male privilege, they burned our community to the ground. I've been physically ill since finding out, I even thought out how I could get to him and get revenge against him, but can't let myself.
In my community, we're able to talk to aunties who help us when we're so sick like this. We can't ask for them to, but their intuition guides them to us and it used to be, I'd walk through tall grass to bundle lemon grass and sage and red cedar, and the quiet voices of my people's precious, beautiful elder women would get me through it. I could go to the lodge and sweat until I'm dizzy and the love of these women would fill my pores where the grief and anger eating me left. I know that's very woo woo but please try to understand how much it hurts when this soul medicine is out of reach bc our community centers are full of progress flags and cries to help men like the one who murdered my beautiful friend and stole her name like a ghoul.
I've been hurt by tw before, but finding this out and being told I need to understand how hard it is for THEM when I try to get help for these overwhelming feelings has made me so sick to my core. I haven't eaten in two days, have persistent stomach upset, and haven't stopped trembling. I don't even need a hand hold, I need to be heard and maybe listen to women who've been hurt by monsters like this.
Sorry for the rant, if a mod or whatever needs proof, I'll happily provide it if I stay anon.
Distressing content warning added to the thread title by MNHQ.