My 17 year old thinks he’s trans

[GreyMayDays]

I knew it was coming. Ny 17 year old has become more reclusive, more online, feeling unwell and not going to school increasely. Every time we have tried to address it, he says he wants us to leave him to it. I’ve said with the latest absence after have blood tests to rule out underlying issues that we can’t leave it to him now. So now he has told me he thinks he is trans. He is likely autistic and I think he’s teen angst and to be honest too cushy a life so is navel gazing. My Mum’s aunt went from being an uncle to an aunt so I’m aware there have been cases throughout the ages but I honestly don’t think this is what’s going on here. I feel he’s gone down a rabbit hole. I’ve told I love him and I don’t care who he is but I do think he needs to be careful not to make choices now that he wishes he hasn’t made when he was 30. We’re awaiting autism referral with NHS but I have said maybe we need to go privately. We have a meeting with school tomorrow but he won’t want me to tell them about this.
Help!

Get him off the internet as much as possible and reconnected to the real physical world. Rock climbing, horse riding, gardening, gym, swimming - get him using his body and his muscles and ‘touching grass’ as they say.

"That's nice darling - what do you fancy for dinner?"

Do not affirm this. It's really important to give him space to back out.

There's an awful lot there - school refusal, increasing isolation, increasingly living their life online.

Clearly they have found something that they think will magically fix all of their problems - but it won't.

At 17 they need to be leading conversations with the school, with you supporting. I would hope the school would suggest some exploratory therapy to try and figure out the root cause of the distress.

Do they do a sport or any group activities? What is their friendship group like?
Are they finding their school course difficult?

You say their life is too cushy - would they consider volunteering so that they could gain a wider perspective of the life of others?

At this age you can only suggest really and listen to their view.

Thanks for all the replies. I was in a total fizz. He is not school refusing but has a lot of absence will mild unwellness. School don’t seem bothered but I’ve asked for a meeting. He’s predicted ABB in A Levels but I thinks he’s going to struggle to get that without more work. Ive just got back home and carried on as normal, he’s popped out and said he actually thinks he’s non binary, which feels much more easily accommodated and without the surgery and medication options ( I hope).

I totally agree he needs to be in his bedroom less and out in the fresh air more. The other kids do CrossFit with us so I’ll try and get him to give that another go, or rockclimbing he used to enjoy,

Thanks for letting me off load. It was hard to chat to him and be real and not mess it up when all I was thinking was Fuck Fuck Fuck!

Now I’m just worrying he’s just saying non binary to get to 18

I agree with your sentiment but why all the they/them’s in your post?

I don’t think there is any doubt that the OP is talking about one child of male sex, so the argument that you can use ‘they’ if you don’t know the sex of an individual is redundant.

Please stop, it just sounds confusing and naff.

I agree with the “that’s nice darling” poster

When one of my kids started uni practically everyone in their friendship group was trans, non binary, this that or the other. They all needed a label to feel “different”. By the end of three years at uni only one was still trans, and pursuing it properly. All the rest were back to being just male/female, whatever they were born as. For many, many kids it’s just a phase.

Dont make too much of it, try and get them to spend time with people who aren’t online pushing agendas he doesn’t need at such a young age.

What is it with this trend of not going to school? How is this even allowed?
I hate to say "in my day" but, ahem, in my day, you went to school. End of.
And what's he doing when he's at home instead of at school?
You guessed it, deep in the trans rabbit hole online.

If he's 17 he's in 6th form, so technically doesn't have to go.

💐 OP this sounds really stressful. Agree its really important to give space to back out/ change his mind.

Keep him off the internet, they know who they are targeting.

If he’s on certain forums he has got to be trans of some sort - it’s policy! Being a boring white ‘cis’ man makes you the oppressor and with so many victims who wants to be that? It must be so tedious to be a teenager!

I don’t really agree with the that’s nice dear strategy.

An ex of mine from college rung me one day to say he thought he was a woman. I literally said ‘I think you’re talking to the wrong person about this’ and laughed. He said why. I said because I am a woman. Why do you think you’re a woman. He said I feel like a woman. I said that’s ridiculous because as a woman I can tell you I don’t feel like a woman. What does a woman feel like?!

He said I just think I would be happier as a woman. I said. But you’re not going to be a woman.

I said look, you can be whoever you want to be, but that still means you are you. You can dress how you want, date how you want but that doesn’t make you a woman.

Personally I would say you are a man who enjoys cross dressing and is bi. And please don’t be upset by me calling you a man. You are a man and I know that because I have slept with you. Thats my observation from knowing you for 2 decades and dating you for 2 years. You can take it or leave it.

That was 7 years ago now and they haven’t transitioned.

'Of course you're not binary as a person, darling - I'm not, no one is. We don't go around identifying with silly cartoony false stereotypes of the sexes all the time, so don't worry about it.. We're all individuals. The world doesn't divide into people who knit and wear lipstick or who like football and become engineers.

The only thing that's binary is the bit about reproduction and no one can change that.'

I'm sorry you and he are going through this. I hope you can help him see through the nonsense.

This. 100%

But get him off the internet.

If he’s got autistic traits, then logic will be strong for him. Ask him what makes him think he can change his sex. Maybe talk about what a range of ways of being a man there are.

So he wants to rebel by being an entitled male, what rebellion is that?
How about getting him to look at teenagers fashions from 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, and now. Teenage is a relatively new concept. Before then its was childhood, which for most was tough and short, and adult. Looking at the fashion make make him realise being 'trans/non binary' is a modern, but more harmful phase. There are fewer 'tribes' for modern and quite frankly, indulged, teens these days for some reason. We had hippies, punk, mod, rocker, biker, glam, new romantic and so on. Boys could dress flamboyantly but still knew they were male. Adults rolled eyes and boys still turned up for work in 'work' clothes.
As for education, he either goes, gets stuck in or leaves and gets a job and pays bills. And ask what he has learnt if 12 years of education still hasn't taught him basic biology.

There was some meme that said (and I am paraphrasing) what sort of Trans Woman are you? The creepy middle aged bloke or the weird autistic kid?

Meant to be funny - but lets be honest they usually fall into one of those categories.

I agree with not going along the “that’s nice dear”. That’s the sort of thing you say if they say they prefer chocolate ice-cream to strawberry, or that they’re going swimming.

If a boy says he feels like a girl, you say “Well obviously you’re not a girl. You may have a fondness for things that are stereotypically feminine but you can’t be a girl because you’re a boy”.

I absolutely cannot bear the tippy-toeing around kids that got us into this mess.

Bayswater have loads of good advice, and are a support for all parents in your situation OP. Do have a look at what they offer.

No idea where my link went! Here they are https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Who/what is he interacting with online? In my experience of this situation (twice with young people in my family), teenagers don't come up with this stuff without some form of outside encouragment. He's either chatting to someone who is supporting this nonsense or he is looking at very questionable porn.

AS well as Bayswater another group that is recommended on threads similar to this is https://www.transgendertrend.com/

Hopefully others will who have experience of this will join this thread.

(Somehow we need to be able to provide the links to all the threads that have been about this to help share support info posted on them.)

Some useful stuff here:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5519763-on-the-certainty-of-the-trans-identifying-teen-guidance-for-parents

Oh @GreyMayDays it's so hard. Lots of sympathy. First up - I would absolutely not talk about this to school tomorrow. In fact, I wouldn't talk to any professional about it without knowing what his or her stance on reality is likely to be. Lots of us in your situation have mentioned it to school, and discovered that school have already leaped in feet first. And once school have got stuck in, the position becomes entrenched. So I would avoid talking to school about it at all costs. It's none of their business: you need to focus on the autism assessment.

I posted a slightly random list of things I did or wish I had done here, which may or may not be of use: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5500326-concern-my-child-is-trans

Your son sounds pretty flexible about the whole thing, which is good news - you can see it's a fad. Lean into that - panic here but keep it light with him. All best wishes.

You need to do something about the internet, immediately. And don't tell the school, that is going to be the last thing that helps.

You need to do that, first off, because anything you say, even if it causes him to question what he's feeling, will be brought up to people who will make him double down and turn him against you.

Is his browsing through the phone or home internet? Because he has a hive of discord servers to retreat into that's replaced socializing, I guarantee it, and they're going to encourage his worst impulses, guaranteeing him that he'll kill himself unless he cuts you off if you give the slightest pushback.

You need to ask, without being aggressive, what makes him feel this way. If he can't give more than nebulous gender-feelz explanations, invite him to explore that. Ask if he thinks society's expectations and ideas of men and women are regressive.