17-year-old Autistic son has started taking hormones without our knowledge or consent

[VeryWorriedMother]

Ok, so this isn't really a feminist topic but I need some help. This will be long, sorry.

My 17-year-old son was diagnosed with ASD last year. He is also gifted, and has struggled with fitting in and making friends. He has very black and white thinking, and thinks that his way is the only right way. He has struggled for many years with his executive functioning and emotional intelligence - he has difficulty planning and completing tasks, and regularly loses his temper. It has been the focus of our lives for a long time. After a very long struggle we finally convinced him to agree to therapy, in the hopes that it would help with his ups and downs, and in figuring out what his autism diagnosis means for him.

He has been on antidepressants for a couple of years, and increased the dose last year. A few weeks ago he asked for an appointment with our GP for another dose increase. DH took him to the appointment but stayed in the waiting room to allow him to speak with the doctor privately. DS went back for a follow up two days ago, and that night I received a notification from my pharmacy saying that his prescriptions were ready: Cyproterone Acetate (a testosterone suppressant) and Estradiol. I was absolutely shocked.

This has come out of absolutely nowhere. He refuses to speak to us about it and, being in Canada, doctors are allowed to prescribe hormones to children if they feel that they fully understand it, without parental consent.

There is no way my son understands the long-term ramifications of this. He has Autism, ffs, and hyperfixation, and he can't even manage to plan a school project, never mind consider the fact that he will be growing irreversible breasts!

He has never, ever talked about wanting to be a girl. Yes, he feels uncomfortable in his body, but, again, he has autism and he's 17! What 17-year-old DOESN'T feel uncomfortable in their body?! I am worried that he is just jumping on the trans bandwagon here, just because he feels different due to his autism. There is a very worrying correlation between Autistic teens and gender dysphoria.

I am so, so angry that our doctor, whom I trusted, has allowed him to do this so quickly. No thinking time, nothing.

DS has heard me voice appreciation for JK Rowling fighting for women's rights, and is under the impression that we are transphobic, so he has completely shut down. I am prepared to support him, but I very strongly disagree with giving children hormones, and so quickly. I don't know what to do.

Thank you if you have read this far.

Not all 17 year olds do feel uncomfortable in their body.

i’m not familiar with the Canadian system but I gather that if he was an adult (18) there would be no consent or capacity issues.

if you’ve previously expressed strong views then it is likely that he won’t want to open up to you.

not sure I have any advice sorry. I suspect you can’t stop the prescriptions and shouting at him/expressing your anger is likely to be counter productive.

Fine, not all 17-year-olds are uncomfortable in their bodies, but I sure was. I just wish there could be more questioning into the Why, rather than just automatically giving him female hormones immediately.

Can you ring and ask GP to talk to you somehow? Make an appointment to see them?

Surely it would against the law for the GP to say anything to her without son consenting?
It would be in UK anyway.

In the UK gillick competency is from 16 and MCA so anyone 16+ doesn’t need parental consent or can refuse to share information…my asd dd’s won’t share any info with me or let me go in with them to consultations, it’s their right.

Gillick competence has no minimum age, but is assumed from 16 onwards.

Thank you for your advice. To answer your question, no, he is not very nice to us. In fact he treats us pretty awfully and yet somehow thinks everything is all our fault. You've given me some things to think about.

No, she would not have to tell us anything.

I'm sorry to read this OP.

I read this earlier today, which may be of interest https://genderblog.net/detransing-a-parents-13-point-guide/

At 17, some of the points may be less relevant, but I'm hoping some might be helpful.

That all sounds like very sensible advice to me.

Lying to your child by swapping out their medication for vitamins or giving them medication but saying it is vitamins sounds like a horrid idea to me. If I found out someone had done that to me, I would struggle to ever trust them again, even if they did it with my best interests at heart.

Also being unaware of what medications you are/are not taking leaves you at risk as you wouldn't be able to give an accurate history to a doctor in an emergency.

Much better to keep lines of trust and communication as open as you can.

Yes it was your “It has been the focus of our lives for a long time” which struck a chord with me…. Im so tired … the whole twice exceptional thing is just so tricky. I always thought that eventually it would come good and he’d be able to use his amazing skills to get a job but I just can’t see how that will ever work at the moment. He’s just so badly affected by procrastination and focussed on gaming. Totally addicted. A few years back i was treated for cancer and it really sharpened my thinking about his future - i must try to get him out and settled so that if anything happens to me, he’d be ok. But then id worry about people like your GP having undue influence. Oh what a minefield these SEN kids are eh?!

You may find useful information in here

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Genspect+desistance

Mia Hughes talking about Extreme Overvalued Belief

https://www.pittparents.com/archive?sort=new

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Of course that would best. I totally agree.

But for a 2e autistic teen - sensible average advice frequently doesn’t apply…

Dear Worried Mother - thanks for posting and trusting FWR to give advice. Not only is it a feminist issue, you will be surprised, or maybe not, how many women have started a thread on here with a very similar story to yours - sadly.

Not just a child / young adult stating they want to change sex, but also women as mothers of children with ASD.

I dont feel able to give advice but am posting because I am sure tomorrow when more are on the forum you will get support and advice. In additions to comments already posted.

On most of threads like this the Bayswater Support Group is suggested to be a positive support group for parents of trans identifying children. Not sure if they can give advice about medical practice in Canada. Here is the link to their web site https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

They cannot talk about her son.unless he requires some form of 1-1 and is not capable of making decisions, which it very much seems like he can. In Scotland, its age 12!!

Rampant and disgusting ableism aside, all very sensible suggestions Mumsnet feminism board! I'm sure trying to take away your children's bodily autonomy is bound to make them trust you and talk to you about their issues!

Yeah, that’s the thing about good parents - they will do everything in their power to make sure their children (note OP’s son is under 18, and doesn’t have the same decision making capacity as other 17 year olds) don’t make life-altering decisions which damage their bodies and which they, later, bitterly regret. Why not take some time to properly address his issues and identify the best approach?

Sure in abstract I totally agree with this. Of course open communication is best. But what about specific context? What about a person who struggles to communicate, is not able/is very naive/not Gillick competent?

Im not sure I can think of a good example which doesnt involve medical stuff but has similar bodily autonomy issues) but here goes:

What if your 17 year old kid asked to go to the tattoo parlour to have their face inked with something that would limit their life chances? Someone at college has affirmed that choice and encouraged them but you disagree. How much would you be prepared to do to help them achieve their goal? because they can’t do it themselves and eg: need you to get them to appointments, help ease communication with the artist, get them home from appointments, deal with wound care, buy dressings etc, deal with any emotional fall out, support them when finding employment is difficult in future, pay for laser treatment if they were to ever regret it etc etc?

It’s not a great example but hopefully it allows a discussion of the dilemma while removing the ableism & authority conferred by the Dr parts

A very unhelpful, and tone deaf, post.

Nobody has 'bodily autonomy' if they are dependent on a third party prescribing something for them.

@VeryWorriedMother I am so sorry to hear what happened to you and your DS. It is outrageous but only too common- I imagine specially in Canada which seems to be far, far down the rabbit hole.

I suggest you contact https://genspect.org/ which is an international support group for parents and detransitioners. It’s done a huge amount of campaigning too but they will be able to help you specifically about how things work in Canada.

There’s a recent study from Finland which shows that medicalisation does not help the mental health of children and young people like your DS. You are right to be worried.

You are not alone, there are parents all over the world fighting for their DC, trying to keep them safe from activists and those “so open minded that their brains have fallen out” who are failing to safeguard our DC.

Hello @VeryWorriedMother . Sorry to hear you're in this. There is no simple or easy way through this and as parents it's a really tough thing to deal with espeically on top of all the other ASC issues.

My DC has an ASC and started cross-sex hormones in his mid twenties while living independently. DC had shown no gender issues himself during childhood or even adolescence, despite having a good schoolfriend who did and had tried some social transition in his late teens (I think he desisted later) DC had already changed his name and legal documents when he told us and at the same time he told us he was starting hormones from a private provider. We had some cautious conversations at the beginning to explore reasons and raise questions and check that he was looking after his health with blood tests etc but there was little we parents could do to challenge DC's decisions or viewpoint. He has been taking hormones for a few years now and DH and I mostly focus on keeping a positive relationship with DC.

Glad to see someone else has already suggested Bayswater and also Genspect. Genspect are very international and they run online support groups including one for parents of young people who are medicating.

Here is some wise advice for parents from an articulate man who has autism (though not the same presentation as your DS) whohas been through medical transition and detransition in the UK
https://tullipr.substack.com/p/a-message-for-parents-redux

Sending you un-Mumsnetty hugs from the UK (though not much practical advice I'm afraid)

Would he be responsive to reading things like the Finnish study which shows no benefit to mental health (in fact the opposite) with transitioning? Psychiatric Morbidity Among Adolescents and Young Adults Who Contacted Specialised Gender Identity Services in Finland in 1996–2019: A Register Study - Ruuska - Acta Paediatrica - Wiley Online Library

Or the video of Mr Menno talking to a male detransitioner - who is such a thoughtful and articulate young man.

Or there is also a panel of detransitioners all of whom gave their stories here. I'd suggest you watch these first to see how they might land but ultimately if it comes from you he's likely to reject it (that's a normal teenage response) but hearing from detransitioners and reading some scientific research is essential. Maybe just try and say that you want him to understand the evidence base for benefit and risk of the drugs he is about to take. These hormones do have non-reversible effects.