Please help — tween now trans?

78 replies

StrugglingMama2 · 12/03/2026 17:33

Hi there. I’m really struggling and wonder if others have been in this place. We’re a family of three and my daughter and I have always been close. She’s always been more on the “tomboy” side but also enjoyed “girlie” things and now watches “girlie” YouTubers and gets really into their shopping, cute characters, crochet, etc. She’s never seemed upset by her body but does protest about bras. In fourth grade she decided to go by her initials and “they/them”. Everyone now knows them by that new name. Well, earlier in the week, they texted me that they are trans, now use he/him pronouns and a third name. They have two close friends who are not trans (one now uses xi/she pronouns and I’m told the other is pansexual). These two friends were very excited about the text and apparently already use their new name and pronouns. We are an LGBT-friendly family but these two friends are thoroughly obsessed with all things LGBT to the point where it’s all they talk about and anything they see with any colors on it they refer to it as gay and cheer. But anyway, my main concern is losing my child. I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. Though it hurt, It made sense to me when they wanted to drop their given name in favor of initials and use they/them. But this I am really struggling with. Anyone out there on the other side of this? I love my child . Please help 🩷

OP posts:

BeSpoonyTurtle · 22/03/2026 07:05

StrugglingMama2 · 15/03/2026 13:09

Yes and it’s going well! I’m still a little jittery on the inside but trying to take it one day at a time and not go straight to doom-and-gloom scenarios. I really had to take a step back, pull myself together, and realize that I’m the parent. We have all had a nice time together as a family this weekend and I can tell she’s actually relieved to have some normalcy. She’s talking to me freely, laughing, being silly—being a kid! I think she still understands that she is safe with us and our home remains her safe place to land. I had an epiphany yesterday when I happened to drive by one of the friend’s houses (they live on our street so I drive by daily!) and saw her standing there having a little upset moment with her parents as they were getting ready to go somewhere. Anyway, it hit me that this is a child and WE are the parents with life experience and more developed brains. Just because we don’t know all the lingo doesn’t mean we’re excluded from the conversation. This board has been a lifesaver. I am so grateful for all of the feedback and perspectives. Thank you all so very much 🙏❤️

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What a lovely update, so glad to hear that things are slowly improving.
As others have said, just try to keep the conversation going, and constantly remind her that you are coming from a place of love.
Have you tried talking about how difficult it is to be a mum generally, particularly if your own relationship with your mother wasn't brilliant? It could be a sideways route into the importance of parents being parents, and not besties.

viques · 22/03/2026 15:06

StrugglingMama2 · 12/03/2026 18:27

She is 11, emotionally more 9/10 due to ADHD. To clarify, what I meant by it made sense that she wanted to use they/them pronouns is because she’s always been a “tomboy” in dress, etc. and enjoyed stereotypically boy activities. What I meant about being LGBT-friendly as a family basically means she’s never heard us say anything negative about acquaintances, etc. who are lesbian and gay. Her Dad and I have been married 20 yrs, both straight/cysgender. A few friends are same sex parents households. We have a neighbor who transitioned male to female snd that has been fine in the neighborhood. I truly see what she’s going through as a sexuality thing and I’m so worried others will convince her otherwise. I talked to her about it last night and she said it was how she felt and not up to me. When we talked about the 100-plus names for gender now and I said that seemed like a lot and that she was more than a label, she said I was small minded.

POI .Your neighbour who transitioned? He is still a male. Always was, always will be. This might be a starting point for discussion. You can’t change your sex, but you can decide not to accept gender stereotypes with regard to dress, behaviour, choices you make in your life.

Ilovelurchers · 22/03/2026 19:55

Hi OP, sounds like you have had some helpful advice here and that things might be looking up for you and your family.

Just one thing stood out to me about your post - you said she "has always protested about bras".

PLEASE don't make your daughter wear a bra! I have rarely worn one in my life and never as an adult (and I am now in my 40s, with averages sizes breasts).

For some women, they are just extremely uncomfortable and constraining, and if the woman or girl herself doesn't feel a need, then there is no need!

I wear a vest top if I am wearing a thinnish top in circumstances where my nipples being visible would bother me. That's all.

This may sound like a strange side issue, but seriously, the discomfort bras caused me wpulf potentially have made me do something like decide I was a boy to get out of wearing them, when I was younger!

Your daughter shouldn't need to "protest" this. Her body, her choice, over the question of underwear , in my opinion.

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