Please help — tween now trans?

[StrugglingMama2]

Hi there. I’m really struggling and wonder if others have been in this place. We’re a family of three and my daughter and I have always been close. She’s always been more on the “tomboy” side but also enjoyed “girlie” things and now watches “girlie” YouTubers and gets really into their shopping, cute characters, crochet, etc. She’s never seemed upset by her body but does protest about bras. In fourth grade she decided to go by her initials and “they/them”. Everyone now knows them by that new name. Well, earlier in the week, they texted me that they are trans, now use he/him pronouns and a third name. They have two close friends who are not trans (one now uses xi/she pronouns and I’m told the other is pansexual). These two friends were very excited about the text and apparently already use their new name and pronouns. We are an LGBT-friendly family but these two friends are thoroughly obsessed with all things LGBT to the point where it’s all they talk about and anything they see with any colors on it they refer to it as gay and cheer. But anyway, my main concern is losing my child. I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. Though it hurt, It made sense to me when they wanted to drop their given name in favor of initials and use they/them. But this I am really struggling with. Anyone out there on the other side of this? I love my child . Please help 🩷

Back up.

You say 'They have two close friends who are not trans (one now uses xi/she pronouns and I’m told the other is pansexual)'

Your 11 year old daughter is close friends with a child who you're told is pansexual?

My incredulity is not aimed at you OP. But WTAF! Where are the adults in this??! No 11 year old should be describing themselves as sexual anything. Any adult accepting it and repeating it as normal needs some serious self reflection.

💯

I agree with you. Me saying “I’m told” was a sarcastic way of expressing my frustration with kids trying to control this type of conversation. You’ve touched on the part of this that is extremely tough in my community. It’s a very liberal community. On the one hand I find most to be well intentioned. But then there’s a very vocal group who definitely let kids run the show and if anyone protests they are demonized. I thought I was liberal, ha! But I feel alone here. Luckily my husband is my rock and believes adults are in charge!

Don't redefine yourself using their bonkers terms. I actually made a small dent in my (adult) relative's unthinking belief in gender identity by refusing to call myself 'cis' or accepting it being foisted on me by others. I do not have a 'gendered soul' to match or not match with my sexed body.

Op do you have the ability/resources to move your a different community? I know it is probably very difficult but I would absolutely seriously consider doing so especially if you know that if you follow your instincts you would be “demonised”.

Wow - there is liberal - and then there is so open minded that their brains fell out.

You don't have to take on the whole community - just focus on your daughter and supporting her. Glad you have a husband who is looking out for you

The thing is, saying you are LGBT-friendly means that none of this should be a problem for you.

I think you need to have a good think about what it is that you really believe.

Yes and no…I see what you’re saying but there’s more to it. I would have no issue at all with my child being gay or even feeling they were born in the wrong body. My issue is my child (and friends) thinking that saying you’re trans is a “solution” to feeling more like a stereotypical boy than a girl. I especially have issue with tweens telling me I’m small minded because I feel that 100-plus terms for gender is over the top.

I’ve thought about it. It would be difficult but my child also has dyslexia so moving for a different school wouldn’t be unthinkable. I’ve toyed with the homeschool idea but I don’t think I would do a good job at it.

So, you have a careful line to tread. I would play naive, make mistakes about the terminology, let her explain to you the things she’s claiming. She may find things harder to explain than they are to argue about!

Try and expand her friendship groups and keep her very busy, hopefully with positive things- things that her amazing body lets her do.

Be wary of the cheerleaders. They are so dangerous. My loved one went abroad for a radical mastectomy, and the obligatory photos she published on insta received lots of love. What kind of person applauds a youngster doing that? Nihilistic cult, it is.

What do all parents do when a naive child adopts some silly pretentious identity in order to shock parents and seem cool to their dimwit peer group? You grit your teeth and say ”that’s nice dear…” and carry on as if nothing was happening, even if they throw teenage tantrums.

You are the adult. They are your child - you birthed her. She is still your dd whether she likes it or not. Humans can’t change sex.

Take control of this situation. Get your daughter away from her computer and the internet and do lots of exercise, sport and whole family activities. Also find time for 1:1 activities together. Find other interests for her, you need to keep her too busy to be concentrating on gender. I do think that her friends are not helping (I think you meant her friends are NOW…. Instead of NOT?).

Transgender Trend, Bayswater group, Genspect may all be of use to you. Do not agree to therapy unless you are happy with the therapist, most will confirm trans/non
binary status. I don’t know if James Esses therapists have anyone near you? They are Gender Neutral therapists.
Personally I would go out of my way to not confirm new name or trans status, not by direct confrontation, just by not using new name or using incorrect pronouns. Is her school likely to be confirming her trans status/pronouns/name change and if so can you put a stop to it?

I'm sorry for you. Just stay with her throughout it all, whatever you do. The tide will turn eventually. I've been there (in her position). She's trying to escape womanhood and sexualisation, and also to be part of a group. Inside she knows she's female, but can't handle it. Stay with her, and do not ever let her do anything irreverable. Wish I could send you strength.

I don’t know if it is of any interest to you but this is a talk on how much of this stuff eg numerous genders, flags etc came about - mainly teenage girls on Tumblr. Why organisations took any notice is questionable, but it’s an interesting watch.

I would have no issue at all with my child being gay or even feeling they were born in the wrong body. My issue is my child (and friends) thinking that saying you’re trans is a “solution” to feeling more like a stereotypical boy than a girl.

If any part of you believes that a child can be in the wrong body then you are going to struggle to have the courage of your convictions now that it is affecting your child. No matter how kind you want to be with others, this have come into your home now.

If you believe that humans cannot change sex then that is what you should tell your child. It's fine to wear what she wants, it's fine to have a variety of friends and it's good to listen to lots of different opinions but the bottom line is that she is going to go through female puberty, she will get her periods very soon if she hasn't already started and she will never become a man.

She can have whatever interests she likes and do whatever job she likes, but she is not and cannot ever be male. If you are under pressure from your community then you need to decide if it's a safe community for you and your daughter to remain in.

She is a child who is being influenced by her friends. Try and pay as little attention to the “trans” thing as possible and keep her offline. Talk about all different types of girls/women and how we don’t need to label ourselves, we can all look different and have different hobbies/interests (but will always be female)

I watched this the other day and thought that January was a very bright woman.

I know that the ages of your children are different but I do see some parallels.

These two friends were very excited about the text and apparently already use their new name and pronouns.

This stood out to me

OP, it sounds to me like these girls are almost seeing your daughter as a project. Was it them that put the idea into her head that she could just not be herself, whatever that looked like and however outside of socially expected behaviours that may be? If so, then of course they are immediately referring to your daughter with a different name and wrong sex pronouns! It must be so difficult for children who are just 'trying on' different identities to have one locked in by their peers

I'm now middle aged, but when I was a teen it was hairstyles and colours, along with music and clothes styles that people changed to find out what fit best. How I wish that it was still something so easily changeable for kids today.

Please remember that social transitioning is not a neutral act. Your daughter remains your daughter. I really hope that she can accept herself as perfect the way she is.

Oh I hear you OP. You may have to seriously reconsider whether this community is beneficial for your child.

Once you realise how deeply otherwise 'rational' people are embedded into this stuff, it's hard to see them as anything other than bonkers.

Imho.

and always remember

I do worry about that as one of the friends made a comment once that it was great that everyone in the car was a “different type of gay”—when I was carpooling a group of five girls. Now my child certainly has always been in the tomboy category which is fine, but that’s why my fear keeps creeping in that when she’s older she’ll be like Chaz Bono or Mariah/Leon from Sister Wives. That truly is my fear that she’ll become a different person.

I wonder if this group might not naturally fall apart in a couple of years when they all grow up a bit and realise they do, in fact, fancy boys.

Right! Now I would be surprised if my kiddo ever liked boys but a few of the girls saying they have crushes on other girls really seem to be trying to be trendy.

Hi - I'm aware these forums lean GC but I'm a 24yr old trans man, thought I'd give my opinions.
I first came out as non-binary as 12, socially detransitioned for a few years, and then later came out as a trans man. I have friends from my tween/teen years who questioned their gender but never transitioned, some who only transitioned socially, some who transitioned medically, and some who detransitioned. I've also witnessed all sorts of reactions to the news, from a father who beat his child to try and get them to continue living as a girl rather than transitioning, to fast track referrals down the medical pipeline.

Be there for your child.
I would generally recommend approaching in a laid back manner - medical transition isn't really an option for minors in the UK, so at most you'd be looking at social transition at the moment.
Some kids do grow out of it - but the more you make them fight to identify as trans, the harder they'll find it to say they want to go back if that ever does occur. Definitely don't isolate a kid from their friends. Especially if your child is neuro diverse they may struggle to make new connections. Just follow their lead where you feel it's appropriate.
At the same time don't push them into anything. I'd honestly try your best to avoid CAHMS if you can, I've had friends go through the system for non-trans related issues and all have now said as adults that the system made their mental health struggles significantly worse.

I'm not a parent so I can't speak on a personal level about the feeling of loosing a child. I'm sure you had big dreams of the life your child would have when they're an adult, and it can be disorientating to have to re-think that. But trans adults are the same people we were as kids, we might look a little different and live slightly different lives than our parents might have originally expected, but we can still be successful, and achieve all the same life milestones as those who are not transgender. The amazing thing about people is we all grow and change based off our life experiences to become who we are today, and society relies on having a massive range of people with unique skills to function.

It might be tough, but your child is still the same kiddo you love. And its a massive compliment to your parenting that they can talk so openly with you.

And that's the last she'd be seeing of those friends. Sounds like they're filling her head with ideology crap that a bit of discomfort with her changing body and not being stereotypically 'girly' means she must be a boy.

It's overwhelmingly likely that she is not trans, she's a teenager. Discomfort with your body is normal at her age and not everything has to be an identity or syndrome.

She would not be associating with them again, nor would I be entertaining any shit about her being a boy. I have kids her age. 6 years ago they were adamant they were an alien from Pluto.

This too will pass as long as the adults don't lose their heads and jump on the loony wagon. These kids are what 12? I think we can safely say they are not old enough or qualified enough to diagnose dysmorphia.