My 11 year old Autistic/ADHD son has just told us he thinks he is a girl, wants to be a girl and wants to change his name and pronouns. I feel so very very ill equipped for this.

[Queenelsarules]

I dont want to alienate him, I am concerned foe his mental health. Do I just have to play along? I am Gender Critcal, don't believe it is possible to change ones sex. But so afraid of getting this wrong.

I'm sorry this is happening, that's the first thing to say
It's also the only thing I'm qualified to say, but I know there are many knowledgeable and very wise women on here who will offer you lots of support and advice, so I hand you over to them..

Does he say why?

I’d be asking him what’s prompted this. Does he have unfettered access to a tablet or smart phone? Do you know what sites he’s accessing?

Put controls on his device(s) and cut back / remove access to sites like TikTok or Reddit and then try and find out what RL influences might be creeping in.

My POV is that ‘affirmation’ is not a neutral act. You can reassure him that he can choose not to conform to male gender stereotypes without that meaning he’s suddenly become female, nor that it’s possible for him to have a ‘female brain’ etc.

I have no qualifications at all to give advice on this.

However, I do have an autistic DS and I would be asking myself if this was his current "fixation"? I don't know if your DS gets an idea in his head and then gets a bit fixated on it, but mine definitely did (and still does sometimes). In my experience the very worst thing I could do would be to disagree or dissuade. The best thing was to be as non-reactive as possible. Ask lots of questions and do lots of listening without doing any reacting. I think in all instances in a few months time I would be dealing with another "fixation".

Not sure if that is remotely helpful. Big hug to you though. This stuff is all so fraught with difficulties.

Of course you don’t have to play along. You have to parent him.

@Queenelsarules Please have a read of this thread ……
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5423814-5423814-dr-joseph-chrysostom-open-letter-to-the-young-people-of-britain

following. Not my child but another relative. I am worried that the parents are so worried to alienate him that they’ve totally missed the (to my mind necessary) step of therapy. But I don’t know how one would go about finding a therapist to explore and unpick gender issues without getting witch hunted for conversion therapy. If anyone has any ideas for therapists I’d be interested.

btw I’m not 100% gender critical but do think there are lots of situations where a child has other stuff that needs unpicking and they foolishly think changing their gender is going to fix things and we are getting too scared to help them fix the actual problems they are facing

Would you say that if the OPs son was trying to self harm in any other way? I think you’d advise she needs professional help. Some things are harder than just needing a bit of tough love. Especially in the reality of the world we are in now where a kid can go to a teacher or social worker and say their parents don’t accept their gender identity and there can be all manner of consequences. Like it or not thats the world we are in and this stuff is delicate.

That’s why troubled kids do it of course. Because they know it’s the one trick they can pull that will get results.

Ĺots of love and support and listening to his reasoning. What does he think it means to be a girl? Boys can wear what they like and be interested in whatever they like. There are plenty of examples.

But also, especially with an autistic child, a careful explanation of what a girl/woman actually is. You don't believe sex can't be changed. It can't be changed and that's a hard biological fact. So I would be careful about 'I believe' statements as they can be confusing for children and leave open space that, in reality, doesn't exist.

He is a boy - and such a perfect, unique one! And how he chooses to be a boy is up to him.

Very much agree that he needs to be off the internet and that you need to investigate the source of this counter-factual ideology in his life. Check his online search history and his school.

Transgender Trend will be really helpful.

It's hard, I had similar with DD, who we also suspect is autistic. In her case I didn't agree or disagree with her, as others have suggested it was more about asking questions. I did say I thought it was not important to actually decide either way which "box" she fitted into as she was so young and things may change over time. She's now 14 and gets quite embarrassed if I remind her about this and is very clear that she is a girl who happens to like short hair and trousers and physical sports and that is just fine.

I found this,
Trans Child and Autism | Mumsnet
is it helpful at all Queenelsarules ?

To be honest, I didn't even know that thread existed, I only read this thread!
So I can't say how valuable it is or isn't, but maybe it will help and make you feel you are not alone.

also this one
Trans people who have ASD | Mumsnet

I hope somebody turns up with links to helpful websites/organisations.

I'm so sorry. How very worrying for you.

The key question I would consider asking him, is a gentle enquiring:

How would your life be better as a girl?

And listen carefully without interrupting or disagreeing to each example he gives and then say something along the lines of.

"I remember being 11. When I was growing up girls were meant to be feminine, pretty and nice. All the time. And boys had to be masculine, confident and strong. All the time. It was so stupid. I really liked X and Y, and I was told I couldn't like those things as I was a girl. But I went on liking/doing them.

It's much better now we have got rid of those silly gender stereotypes.

You can do (repeat things). Boys can do (repeat things)."

My totally non-professional instinct is that there is likely to be something he is unhappy about, and sees becoming a girl as an escape route. But talking about what he wants in his life may help him open up to you a bit more, and possibly identify some coping strategies.

My brother, as a tweenager, thought that girls had it much easier than boys. Lots of friends, who never had big rows, as girls were always nice? They found homework easy. Teachers liked and trusted them more. They were always given the benefit of the doubt by adults, but he and his friends were automatically 'up to no good'.

He doesn't think that now!

These are, of course, just suggestions, it's your child and you know him best.

But, most children enjoy hearing about what their parents did/liked when they were the age they are now. Photos are good here! So if you were passionate about hedgehogs, a pop band, a terrible TV programme etc , tell them about it. It will probably make them laugh which is always a good thing!

Wishing you both all the very best with this.

I’d also post the same thread in LGBT group chat as you’ll get a different point of view and maybe more people who have dealt with real situations/ conversations with school. It’s such a hard thing to deal with when it’s so personal - all of a sudden the “big picture” GC views have to be framed in the context of your own beloved child who is struggling and needs individual care and parenting.

I’d want to explore what he’s looking at online. What does he look at with friends not just on devices you can control. And talk to school teaching staff (already aware of this gender preference? what clubs and peer groups is he part of? Are they affirming him?

I would also want to get counselling for ds so he can really get some perspective on his identity. Ask him to discuss it with you too. what is “being a girl” and “being a boy”? Eg Can a girl have short hair and trousers and still be a girl? What is it about the idea of being a boy or a man that causes him discomfort? Does he acknowledge that growing up is uncomfortable, embarrassing, sometimes smelly, shocking or disconcerting when your body changes. These are not easy years and most adolescents have times of feeling very unhappy and not appearing to “fit in”.

Something similar happened with a friend of mine, she supported him but told him he wasn't getting any medical procedures or taking any drugs until he's 18, he went through puberty and he's decided he's a boy again. In most of these cases puberty will resolve the confusion, if only kids were allowed to go through it without being convinced they were in fact the opposite sex or taking anything with irreversible effects

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

I don't think this has been mentioned. I suggest you have a look.

Check https://www.reddit.com/r/detrans/ for stories that you think would speak to him.

He's probably heard a lot of "success" stories and needs to hear the other side of the story.

Outside of which, just try to dig into why he thinks he's a girl, and gently correct him -- remind him that he can never change his sex, but society's views on what is "proper" for girls and boys changes over time, and he can live a great life without pandering to "boyish" stereotypes.

I'd neither agree nor disagree with his comments but have a dialogue about them. Disagreeing could entrench him or make him turn to others for support, who may encourage this belief. Agreeing with him could lock him into thinking he has to continue this belief without exploring it.

I'd say things like: Thank you so much for telling me. I'm really glad you did. It's important to be able to discuss things like this with the people who love you most - like me! Please tell me more.

Then I'd listen, and just ask questions very neutrally, without judgement. I liked to look and sound a bit puzzled when I was encouraging DC to work things out for themselves.

e.g.
So... are you saying that you believe only girls can prefer friendship with girls/love K Pop/ have a crush on Olly Murs/ wear make up?

Do you think men aren't men if they prefer sewing to football or like having long hair?

After listening for a while, just sound puzzled and say But some men are like that too. Show him pictures of famous fashion designer men like Paul Smith, famous rock stars with long hair and say, they learned it was okay to look and behave differently from the crowd. (Maybe don't add - without deforming their natural bodies, just be clear they exist, they are successful financially, romantically etc)

Or say things like... that's interesting. Can I share a different viewpoint with you? I grew up in an era where there was a trend called 'gender-bending'. That meant people liked to dress and look like the opposite sex, to challenge gender conformity. So here's David Bowie/Annie Lennox/Boy George (etc etc) They experimented with gender-role challenges without changing sex. Are you saying that you think we have to be gender conformist?

DS2 chilled me once when he told me that he is almost certain he would have identified as trans if he had been a couple of years younger when the trend really took hold in schools. He is very small (short) and pretty; loves fashion and art, hates sport, was convinced no woman would ever look at him because of his height and his lack of macho attitude to life. He is also autistic. He said he would have thought the only way he'd ever get lucky was to become a girl. And he was very lonely too, and would have been completely bowled over by the attention and camaraderie of the trans movement. Now he is past that adolescent excruciating self-doubt and self-loathing common to nearly all teens but especially autistic ones. He's happy in his skin, has had several girlfriends and knows he is a slightly built arty straight man and is fine with that..

I recommend going and watching some of Stella O’Malley and Sasha Ayad’s podcast “Gender, A Wider Lens” - that will help you with, for want of a better phrase, the wider picture that this all may be coming from. (They are both non-affirming therapists; Stella in Ireland and Sasha in the US). They also have a book which is great, particularly for the age your child is.

Transgender Trend have a really useful page of links and books:

https://www.transgendertrend.com/resources-for-parents/

But at the age your son is, I would first and foremost go with what has been said above: be open, ask questions, try not to back him into a corner, but also be clear about what is and isn’t possible. And don’t be afraid to say “I need to find out more about this, so you will have to wait for an answer.”

Oh and also second the recommendation of Bayswater.

@Queenelsarules this isn't actually uncommon in neurodiverdity. There is a much higher proportion of LBGTQ+ in that population. My approach would be to gently accept , get him some professional input from a counsellor or therapist who can explore this with him neutrally (school may be able to assist) and take things step by step. Wishing you both well.

Unrestricted access to phone/Internet comes to mind, so it's on you. Otherwise, it's very unlikely such ideas would come to his mind at his age. My hyperactive son is nearly 11 and all he thinks about is Star Wars and football.

Coming back to say: breathe. This may be nothing and over in a matter of weeks or months, or it may be the beginning of a long period of dealing with many possible underlying issues. Make sure you take some time or space for yourself - it can be hard going, particularly if you don’t have anyone in real life to talk to.

Also, to somewhat contradict a pp, you do not have to gently, or otherwise, accept a trans declaration - you can gently accept the child, and their declaration that something feels wrong (and they have decided that trans is the solution), but you do not need to accept their solution any more than you would accept that severe food restriction is the solution to an anorexic child’s insistence that they are overweight.

Sending strength and hugs. There are many, many on here who have been in your shoes.

Establishing what is behind it is key eg. Autism (I hate this "neurodiversity" term), trauma, alienation, online influences. Just know you're not alone.

Thank you porridecake, I knew this existed but couldn't remember the name. Also moderate.
I told the OP that wise and knowledgeable women would turn up with links to help, and you didn't let her, or me, down