Pansexual Demigirl - What on earth.

[ArtfulUser]

I joined really just to use this board as I dont know who else to ask.

I have a just turned 11 year old niece. I see her a few times a year and talk on the phone. We were very close when she was younger but obviously she is growing up and friends etc become more important.

I noticed on her whatsapp stories she posted something saying she was a pansexual demigirl.

She has since created a whatsapp profile pic with the two flags from these behind her.

She's had whatsapp since she was 9 on her own phone which I think is a whole other level of inappropriate but thats not what I'm asking.

What on earth - she's only just 11 and only just finished primary school.

How has she got into this or know what her sexuality is at this age. Is this common among this age?

For the record Im gender critical and believe that there is biological sex along with an infinite number of personalities. I have never discussed these issues with her.

I would totally ignore the pansexual demigirl and just continue being a lovely supportive aunt.

Treat it like a bad haircut that she will hopefully grow out of ie. don't mention it in any way.

Kids have always latched on to whatever the current trend is in order to feel popular or special. It will pass.

She’s a child putting on a costume, I think. Posing in words borrowed from other people that she doesn’t understand (well, they’re not exactly meaningful). When you see her ignore it and do something fun and age appropriate with her.

I doubt she has any real idea what she means by that.

Just ignore.

Her parents are not keeping an eye on her online activity enough. Not good.

I agree best ignored, it's a fad and will pass. Seeking identity is a key feature of this age group, and currently that is all about LGBTQ++++ for many - in the past it might have been music or fashion, now it's all gender identity and sexuality.

My DD hit puberty early and cycled rapidly through various "identities", none of which persisted.

She's had whatsapp since she was 9 on her own phone which I think is a whole other level of inappropriate but thats not what I'm asking ...
How has she got into this or know what her sexuality is at this age.
Maybe ignore her behaviour but have a chat with the parents.
Are they aware of the perils that may face her. Are they informed or in a naïve #BeKind bubble?

I've always thought that. She could use a phone before she could use cutlery properly. But I'm not the parent and it's not my place to comment.

Thank you all for your helpful comments. I will just ignore and never raise it. Hopefully she will grow out of it.

I'm not sure it's my place to do that.

How has she got into this or know what her sexuality is at this age.

She doesn't. Pansexual really means she doesn't yet know who she's going to be sexually attracted to, and demi-girl means that sometimes she doesn't want to be very girlie. All fine at 11.

Is this common among this age?

We started talking all sorts of nonsense about sex when I was about 11. Part of growing up and figuring things out.

If she she wants to talk to you then listen and talk to her. Otherwise I would ignore it.

I don't know. It's hard. You know your sibling or your sibling in law. You could say you've seen it and ask if they know and you're concerned about it? I don't see the harm in saying that.

My sil just suggested something for my niece's birthday which is a bad idea and I said I didn't think it's was a safe thing for her age and why. She's having a look into it. But it could be difficult of course.

I saw a young girl on Twitter recently proclaiming herself a "panromantic asexual" which I took to mean that she falls in love a lot but isn't ready for sex... i.e. fairly normal teenage experience!

My concern would be what sites she is going on to get this list of descriptions. And, to what extent is WhatsApp locked down so strangers can't see this and contact her. If she's on WhatsApp, she's probably also on Snapchat or TikTok. She's very young for this.
Which parent are you related to?

Im related to her mother. I have a difficult relationship with her mother, my sister.

I dont want to say too much as it is outing but I was always concerned that my sister exposes her to extremely inappropriate conversations, far too young.

She's divorced from my nieces father.

That's tricky, I can see why you don't want to bring it up with the mum then. I would probably try to stay friends with your niece online, as you can see some of what she sees that way. And just be someone she can speak to.

It's difficult, anyone that puts the internet into the hands of a child and isn't expecting some kind of negative outfall isn't really going to cop themselves on with a gentle chat. I'd probably keep my mouth shut, a good relationship between you and her mother will probably help her more. It's nutty.

I think she's probably trying to fit in with a new group of friends, some of which may claim to be trans, NB etc. She's not any of those things so she's given herself this title that kind of affiliates her with it but doesn't really mean much.

Essentially she's saying she could fancy anyone potentially. Which is fine. Though it is probably a phase.

I would say many 11 year olds are well aware of their sexuality. I knew I fancied men/boys from when I was about three! But obviously these things can change.

Just ignore it and carry on your relationship as normal. Don't bother mention anything about it.

Would definitely not say anything to your niece unless she raises it.

We don't really know how many of these identities are ditched as kids grow up but it's probably fairly high. You don't want them worrying about an "I told you so" when they want to move on from the silliness.

My DD signed up for her uni accomodation and was then able to see her flatmates' social media (if they'd agreed to this). She was supposed to be sharing with three boys and one NB but when she moved in the NB had mysteriously become a mere female and no more was said.

I bet there's a lot of this goes on at transition points like entering sixth form or uni.

Often when "friends from home" turned up to visit my various uni friends we'd discover they knew the person by a slightly different name.

Absolutely, my DD's friend group at school was packed with trans and NB identifying, now largely forgotten about. All seem to tacitly agree not to mention it.

By far best to make no big deal about it at all, as in times to come she will probably have no wish to be reminded of it.

Can you ask to follow her on her social media stuff?

If her parents aren’t bothered they probably will show more interest if you point out what she’s seeing.

In my experience, there’s a big Venn diagram crossover where young girls questioning their sexuality are meeting much older men questioning their sexuality online.

Pansexual - she isn't actually attracted to anyone but wants to be kind
Demigirl - she hasn't finished (or possibly started) puberty so hasn't a clue what being a woman is. Plus doesn't get on with the girls who are in to boys and makeup.

This exactly. 10-11 was when my DD and all her friends had to have a LGBTQ++ identity - it wasn't cool to be anything else. They literally got a bunch of flags that one of them had obtained off Amazon and shared them out. My DD was "bi" and I'm pretty sure she just chose what involved the least having to commit to anything while not being left out.

I made vague noises along the lines of "well there's no hurry, you know you could change your mind anytime, I love you whatever" and it got left behind. One girl did get more into it, announced she was a boy, then NB, and changed her name, but she's now happy as a girl.

Anyone who tries to say there isn't social contagion involved in this is in denial or insane. It's so obvious.

I actually think it's very important for young people - or in fact anyone - who is drawn in by the idea of having a special "gender identity" to have someone in their life who doesn't affirm it, because if they are surrounded by people affirming and "celebrating" their "true self" etc, it makes it much harder for them to have second thoughts and row back. Given that a large majority do desist if left alone, that is often going to happen but it's harder for them if everyone they know is cheering them on. And being able to think it through and desist if that's right for them is important, since heading down that path tends to lead to irreversible and generally harmful physical interventions.

I have people in my life who are going down that route and won't speak to me because I'm not on board - but at least I (and I hope they) know if they do ever need the support of someone who isn't on board, I'll be there.

I find the silence after social self-ID interesting. There are detransitioners who were really in the thick of it with hormones and surgeries, but what about all these girls, probably found in every school, who decided they were genderspecial before quietly returning to sanity? I'd love to hear their take on it all but I guess they don't speak out of... embarrassment?