Nice gaslighting Pamela

[Ohsisterwhereartthou]

In today’s ‘it’s all women’s fault’, I give you the latest relationship advice from PSC
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/may/16/my-wife-caught-me-wearing-her-underwear-and-the-shame-is-eating-me-up

Yep, that’s definitely the vibe here. Poor old husband, just doing what so many men have apparently done throughout time. If only he could educate his wife so that she understands.

Patronising twaddle.

I have so many questions about this article:

What on earth does he think bisexual means if he has never told anyone, acted on it and the sole 'bisexual' thing he has done is wear his wife's knickers?

Do the 'black lace panties' even exist or are they just a phrase out of porn? (I accept the letter writer may be American but am still suspicious about the word panties)

If wearing the knickers turns him on, why does he need to wear hers instead of buying some of his own?

Has he considered that it might have been distressing for his wife or is it all about him?

If he is that ashamed and humiliated, what is his motivation for sharing the experience with an international readership?

And finally why can't he (or Pamela) accept his wife's perfectly reasonable marriage saving approach of never ever discussing it ever again?

I saw this earlier and decided not going to click on it as I know it will enrage me.

If anyone, including my H, “borrowed” my underwear, I’d never want to speak to them again about anything!

It's interesting how men don't seem to feel any shame until they get caught, not so much shame as fear of their wives telling other people.

I expected better of Pamela S for some reason. No idea why.
And in today's weird things men do..........
I gave up trying to understand them years ago.

She's literally just dashed off a few sentences that mostly restate what the person is writing in about. When I used to read the Guardian I noticed she always did this. Her answers were always very short and very superficial. The guy should write to Philippa and keep his sticky🤢 fingers out of his wife's knicker drawer.

Why on earth would you expect better of Pamela? Her column has been like this for years. Anyone writing in about a fetish gets told it is a glorious expression of their sexual desires and the person woman who doesn't get it needs to be educated to appreciate their wonderfulness properly.

It's just very short, standard poor advice. It's the woman's fault to have the reaction that she had - of course. The man can do what he wants. He can indulge any whim. However, engage in some expensive "therapy" which will validate you. Same old, same old.

I agree. It's never been a good advice column.

Bing, lightbulb moment

If wearing the knickers turns him on, why does he need to wear hers instead of buying some of his own?

the point is that it’s his wife’s stuff isn’t it? It’s a territorial thing. No wonder she’s upset.

If it was just clothes he’d buy his own wouldn’t he? But the fun is annexing his wife’s intimate stuff. <shudder>

Fun upsetting her and humiliating her, eh?
Women are just service animals, get on with supporting your man's latest fetish.

Brings me back nearly 8 years to this Guardian (again) article that started to open my eyes. The creepiness of:
Sometimes we go shopping together. I let the sales ladies know I am shopping for myself. As I pay, I smile and wink, as if to say, “I am enjoying this even if you aren’t.”
says it all.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/nov/03/my-life-in-sex

Buying their own underwear rather than stealing it only 'works' if the purchase can be used to sexually harass a woman, because it is that, crossing a woman's boundaries and causing her distress by a sex-adjacent action, that gives the real thrill.

Yes, @DeanElderberry . Same as going into women's changing rooms and toilets.

If men wanted to wear women's knickers just because they like the style or the feel of the fabric or whatever, there's nothing to stop them discreetly ordering some off Amazon.

There might even be a business opportunity there for any company that wants to make female-styled knickers that fit male anatomy.

Strangely, there doesn't seem to be much demand for that. Which tells me that the thrill of encroaching on female boundaries is the point.

I will never not ever be surprised when it's a woman's fault. Doesn't matter which one. Any old bloody woman will do, except a male woman. It's never their fault.

Exactly. It's only ever the thrill of ignoring women's boundaries that matters - ideological rape.

What does being bisexual have to do with wanting to wear women's underwear?

Haven't read the article but as soon as I saw the headline I thought 'the shame is the whole point, or he wouldn't be sharing this with a national newspaper readership'. PSC is just being used to indulge his fetish.

It doesn't. They're trying to excuse the fetish by making it sound just like someone not hetero.

The thing that made me angry about the 2017 article is that the Guardian did not insert a statement that a sex act where the man's happy comment wrt a woman is “I am enjoying this even if you aren’t.” is non-consensual and unequivocally wrong.

That changed me.

In all honesty, I don't know why she's still writing for the guardian. It's sloppy, careless, advice that's pretty unbalanced. What's the point in tossing off a couple of paras and writing off the wife's concerns and well as what the man himself has said about his sexuality?

There are excellent writers in the guardian who put in a lot of effort and thought. Annelisa Barbieri, Phillipa Perry (I don't agree with every word), previously Mariella Frostrup and the late Jeremy Bullmore were great. I've never thought Pamela S was up to scratch and this is another example.

That's "the" smirk, isn't it?

I'm enjoying it, even if you aren't.
I'm enjoying it, because you aren't.

Always with the smirk.

PS has given similar advice before. What I find interesting is that, whatever criticisms there are of her advice, she’s clear. Wearing women’s knickers is a pretty standard male fetish. It’s sexual. It doesn’t say anything about you being a woman.

For me, it's not that it's necessarily unusual, it's the dismissal of both of them. He's mentioned sexuality andhis wife has said she's not comfortable. 'fuck 'er, ' doesn't really cut it for me. If that's all it is, perhaps not the end of the world. But it's not just for the wife to absorb a change. It's her marriage too.