Everyone hates it when I work!

[fiddlesticks1986]

So, both myself and my Husband work in an academic context. He's in a brick university and mine is online, based on my trade and pays less.

I always imagined that we would work on equal terms when we had children, but we had some debt when I had my first, and it didn't make sense for the most well-paid to reduce hours, so I took time out from work and just worked a 0.14 contract for the first year after maternity. I increased this to a 0.5 when my first went to nursery and we did this for a few years until I had my second.

Again, I reduced my hours (to a 0.3) and I have to work evenings and weekends to fit it in. My little one is just starting to go to nursery a couple of mornings a week (they don't start till 2 where I live), and I'm due to increase back to 0.5 in Sept and increase little one's nursery hours.

The nature of my work is very variable, so there are some weeks I just have to keep up with e-mails etc, but when the marking comes in, it can be about 20 hours a week on a 0.3.

When it comes to me working, I feel like I have to ask for it, as it's not something that's protected time for me. When I do go upstairs to work, he is audibly frustrated with the kids and although he's pretty good at playing, he doesn't enjoy being alone with the kids. He complains that it's hard looking after two of them and I'm interrupted a lot through the little one wanting a breastfeed or when one of them gets upset.

I do understand that it can feel like a lot looking after them all weekend, so I get it (though I wished he enjoyed his time with them more), though I feel like all the times that I look after them for school holidays, sickness etc balances it out. I feel like I'm literally on call all the time (he brought the 2 year old to me crying in the middle of me teaching a recorded session the other day).

Part of the reason why we're having to keep up with work hours is because of this debt. It was based on shared things before I had my first, but since then, prices have gone up, and he has developed deep interests in things like clothes, trainers, computer consoles etc and spent a lot of money. Our debt is now double (some of it is mine because I used credit to support myself on maternity leave because he couldn't give me any).

I just feel frustrated that I'm basically having to keep up my hours to help keep us afloat and at the same time, there's so much resentment for it. In fact, I feel like I should be the one feeling resentment that we have an extra 5 years of debt ahead of us on stupid material things.

He's also on the spectrum, so that's a factor that I've had to work on accepting.

I know this is temporary, so there is that but...smh.

He's being selfish, in spending and in caring for the children.

Sorry you haven’t had many replies OP, there’s a lot going on on this board atm.

Yes he’s being selfish. Have you talked about it, and what does he say?
If he is being intractable about it, I would suggest you work to reduce your debt separately to his; if he’s spending, he can manage his own debts with no help from you (appreciate this is harder within a marriage, but still).

If there’s no change after a while, you’ll have to consider your long term position. What will your income be like in 10 years? What about childcare costs, who pays them, do you split the costs or is he expecting you to pay all the cost for children you have together? Are you paying into a pension? If you had to, could you afford to divorce him in the future? If he won’t put his children’s interests before his own, ultimately he’s not worth it.

If you move this to relationships , you'll get lots more advice.
I imagine lots of it will be to kick him unto touch!

I wonder if the ND relationships thread might be of help 💐
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15

Yes. Do move this to relationships. Just click on report post and ask mn to move your thread.

Unless you're doing something that needs silence (so recording teaching sessions, meetings) go out when you need to work. He'll have to cope then. Go and sit in a cafe, put white noise on headphones and crack on. I do this when I need to be able to focus. It's a lot easier to block out cafe action than it is your own household distractions.

Explain to him that due to debt you have to work so there is no other option and that the interruptions are affecting your work.

I’d suggest you carve out your work time better so that either he (with the kids) or you leave the house so you can work uninterrupted. You need to communicate better both on your needs and expectations around working and also on spending so that youre not servicing unnecessary debt. He sounds rubbish with money but if he’s on the spectrum putting in clear boundaries and “rules”/ expectations could help?

I would go back to work full-time. It's because you work such few hours that he, stupidly, isn't respecting your work. I get that childcare might eat up most, if not all, of your salary but you would also be building up a pension and you are going to be taken more seriously for promotions and in salary negotiations by being more present. Your salary isn't there to cover childcare and debt anymore than your husband's salary is. You need to start taking your earnings seriously and you both need to stop living above your means.

He's being a selfish arse and a strategic incompetent. You have my sympathies, I agree with previous posters who suggest either going out (to a cafe or workspace) or better yet going back full-time so you can build up your own funds.

Sympathies, OP - early motherhood and work is an incredibly tough gig with a decent partner who pulls his weight with the children you've mutually created and the home you've mutually chosen to take responsibility for.

It doesn't sound like you have that. You have a third child who brings in some money but also wastes loads of it and creates additional stresses that he looks to you to solve.

Relationships Board will be much the best place for advice, and I'm no expert, but blaming 'being on the spectrum' for wasting all your money on stupid shit when you're already in debt is a new one on me. It sounds more selfish-arsehole adjacent tbh.

You should click on the report button and ask to be moved to Relationships.

Our debt is now double
You and DH are living beyond your means.

You need to get a better job which pays much more for the same hours or work more hours.

DH needs to get a better paying job by upskilling if need be or find an extra way to earn money from tutoring to stacking shelves in the local supermarket.

He needs to stop extra spending and divert the money he is spending on non-essentials to the debt rather than creating additional debt.

some of it is mine because I used credit to support myself on maternity leave because he couldn't give me any
This was time you spent growing his baby revovering from growing his baby and looking after his baby.
So unless you were partying or holidaying or buyiing stuff as a hobby its a shared cost.

online, based on my trade and pays less.
Are you being exploited as you are being paid less and also are providing your employer with an office, office equipment light, heat etc.
Is that due to the going market rate or have you under priced your input value?
What are your students being charged when benchmarked against your husbands students?

Has your industry a CPD need for which you could provide?

You would be offering your same skills and time as a high value product which meets a gap in the market?

he doesn't enjoy being alone with the kids. He complains that it's hard looking after two of them
This is a his problem issue.

He cant leave his students when he is at work because he is not enjoying the interaction.

So if needed he needs to look on the time he spends alone with them while you are working as a job sadisfaction issue.
He can suck it up
He can upskill to be better at it or
He can earn extra money to hire help to enhance or replace his input.

You can help in some ways but he signed up for the job of raising 2 babies to become adults. And he needs to work out how he needs to change in order to do that.

When it comes to me working, I feel like I have to ask for it, as it's not something that's protected time for me. When I do go upstairs to work,
This is part of the cheap labor provision problem as your employer is not able/willing to provide an appropiate work space.

TheAmusedQuail quite rightly points out that you can remove yourself from the house. Your local library may have seating / or bookable enterprise spaces.

You also need to have a conversation with your husband about work/life boundaries when you are in work you are in work.

He would not expect you to turn up in his work with a crying child he would expect you to find a solution which prevented that from happening. So why he needs to use words to explain why he is OK with it happening to you.

I'm interrupted a lot
Your child has is not BF just for nutrition rarther looking for cuddles. So you need to teach them both that if you are working your work space is a not allowed to go there space. So a sign on the door or an "at work white coat" type top or a physical barrier would be helpful to say stop mum at work.

This has to be a joint teaching effort so when the children kick off DH is saying mum is at work now lets do X or we have to go out to play rather than go to her.

Anyway you will get better replys in relationship or the work areas.

OP I'd say a counsellor might help you to set boundaries so that you are treated fairly. Setting boundaries with your husband is not selfish or unkind, it's you doing the responsible thing to help keep your marriage intact.

You say your husband is "on the spectrum". You don't say what this is based on, if he has a formal diagnosis for example. But I will say that I have seen a good few examples of people who are perfectly capable of understanding and controlling their behaviour who instead use being "on the spectrum" as a pass for selfishness. There is also a problem with overdiagnosis for autism. If he really does have difficulties, it is at least as much his job to be aware of them and minimise their effect on you, as it is your job to be understanding and patient.

He’s a selfish sexist prick - don’t put up with it. If that means the marriage ends so be it.

You probably need to separate finances and debt where you can. And also leave the house to work. Work out of a cafe, library or co-working space. He just has to learn how to cope. Few people like looking after two small children by themselves but they are parents and they have to get on with it. I think however you do have bigger issues in your relationship if he sees that you are responsible for making his life easier while baring no responsibility to help or support you.

Partners are supposed to enhance your life - he is making yours worse. He doesn't see you as a person with your own wants and needs - you're just there to facilitate him. He resents you working but wouldn't support you when you were on maternity, he resents the children, he's building up debt, he sabotages your work. He expects you to work and look after the children whilst he does as he pleases. He's a common or garden mysogynistic arsehole.

This sounds a lot like my situation 20 or 25 years ago. One of my big regrets in life is that I didn't push him hard enough to step up with his share of the childcare so that I could get on with work. I tell myself that with just a little bit more help I could have gone back to the office, at first part-time and later full-time. Maybe I'm wrong about that (I work in academic publishing, which has been circling the drain for a good 20 years). But it pisses me off that I'm still freelance, still earning a pittance, and have no private pension. Then again, we're still married and growing old together gracefully, and I have plenty of time and flexibility to walk the dog, socialise, and help the kids with their lives. I guess I've never been very ambitious.

All the best to you, and I hope you work it out OK as a couple and as a family.