Is there a woman or girl alive who hasn't ever needed, used or asked for a male chaperone to feel or be safe in certain situations?

[SwordOfOmens]

I woke up and this was my first thought.

Fathers, brothers, uncles, partners, husbands, male friends...

I've had men pick me up from the pub or club, walk me home from my babysitting job, come with me late at night, accompanied me to pick my car up from the garage. Gone with me to look for the minster under the bed. Held my hand to make me feel safer. You name it!

It's just a normal part of being female.

So if TIMs are scared of using the male bathroom, they are welcome to ask for a male chaperone to make them feel safer. It's a massive inconvenience to us to need one at all!

I'm going to use this in my arguments on and offline.

I've never had a man to chaperone me anywhere. I did a load of reckless stuff in my teenage years and then got married. My DH couldn't drive, so it was pointless asking him to pick me up from somewhere, my dad died when I was fairly young and my brother is miles older than me (so wasn't really in my life). I have asked the occasional random man to help me maybe lift something very heavy for example but that's about it.

Isn't it sad that in 2025 we still have a society that is so keen to police women and girls that we are to be frightened into complying with outmoded systems like an escort/chaperon. This is all to do with the idea that if we are to be allowed outside the family home and head male guaridanship we are to change our behaviour and the way this is done is via fear. What is worse is that women are, in some way, complicit in this.

In an earlier post I wrote about working in male dominated industries. I learned through that, it is through women being seen doing normal everyday things in a capable, competant, and confident manner that we can be seen as normal human beings not objects of desire or derision. The proximity of colleagues having to spend 8 hours plus in the vicinity usually results in conversations and team work, which results in acceptance for the most part.

I am not frightened of life, I've faced some pretty awful things and still put myself out there. I'm very glad to read the many women here who are doing the same, despite it all.

Are there some men who still attack women, of course there are, should it stop us from living our lives, no it absolutely shouldn't. In complying we are agreeing it is female behaviour that causes men to attack us. This should be shown as a fallacy, that it is the behaviour of men who do these things that is the problem not the women.

When are we going to recognise the fearmongering for what it is, a control tactic that we all in our own way fall prey to at some point in our lives.

I agree with this. Ive worked in heavy engineering most of my career. And in health & safety so not a popular role at the best of times. But thats a lot of guys who see women as confident and knowledgable because they worked with me. Please dont be tricked into reinforcing the perception that women are weak and need protected.

As in the OP 'a woman or girl alive who hasn't ever needed, used or asked for a male chaperone to feel or be safe in certain situations'

Is what I meant, apologies for confusion.

I understand the point you're trying to illustrate, OP.

My teen years were coloured by the impact of the Yorkshire ripper and some other local crimes that made the risks inherent to a female body seem much more than theoretical to me and my girlfriends. I grew up with an older brother who looked out for me, a father who would collect me after a night out and boyfriends who would walk me to the door.

And while I know statistically women are at most risk from their intimate partners, i've felt more at ease knowing my sisters and daughters have decent men in their lives that are around to help mitigate the risks from (male) stranger violence (although it pisses me off massively that this even needs to be a consideration.)

So yes, despite many women not feeling the need or prefering to be independent, I think it's still reasonable to say that in a misogynistic society freedom of movement for many females is facilitated (and limited) at times by the use of male chaperones and if transwomen required this to be safe in the male loos then it would hardly be 'cruel or unusual' in light of women's experiences.

@Jamclag Such truth.

@Jamclag

I see your points but that is a prison of our own making that relying on the very people who attack us to keep us safe by being seen as weak and in need of protection.

That is like dancing naked in front of a crocodile and singing about how tasty we are while asking for it to not eat us

To expect to be kept safe is a nice thought but we are never going to be safe whatever we do, life isn't safe. Making ourselves more vulnerable isn't the answer although I respect your opinion is yours to hold.

I grew up without a dad, am lesbian mother of daughters, not much in the way of male friends, so I've never really had it as an option. I do have one friend, Jamaican and built like a brick shithouse, and have noticed people almost throwing themselves out of our way on the street, so can see the attraction!

I absolutely disagree that this is a prison of our own making - men have arranged the world according to their needs - violence against women and girls is a byproduct of this and has nothing to do with females.

But yes absolutely I agree the fear of male violence is a form of control. All men, even the decent ones, benefit indirectly from how the real and perceived threat of violence and rape shapes women's lives and makes them smaller, stops them taking up space and opportunities. It can be incredibly limiting to live in a vulnerable female body in a misogynistic society.

However, we need to be careful to place the blame for that with men as a class and not scold women for being cautious. The risk of stranger violence may be small in terms of hard stats but women's individual experiences will impact their perception of risk and they shouldn't feel bad for managing that in whatever way they are comfortable with - even if that means taking advantage of the protection afforded by male physical strength occasionally.

@Jamclag Disagreement is no barrier to conversation, I welcome it as it gives me a chance to clarify.

I said prison of our own making because we buy into the fearmongering our society uses to keep us under control. And I'm not scolding women for being cautious, I'm warning that protection from others isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Never ever used a male chaperone to feel safe. No brothers, fairy absent father and few male friends. Did however frequently stay in company of female friends to feel mutually safe.

Many times. I finished a late shift at work last night and called DH while I walked to my car.

I've never felt the need for a male chaperone in any situation, but I'm also lucky that I've never been sexually assaulted. I used to walk 3 miles home from work in the early hours as a student, walk back from nights out, take taxis alone. I've travelled solo for weeks on end. I've never really felt unsafe or at risk when alone.

Interesting point, OP. I never really thought about it until you pointed it out. This isn't something I do as a matter of course. Like others I've been wary of men who offer to walk me home, especially when I don't know them well.
However, there have definitely been instances where I have asked men to accompany me.
One was for a hobby group I run. I had to talk to a new male member about his behaviour and tell him not to do something. I asked another male member of the group to just be there while I did because I wasn't sure if this guy would kick off.
Another time, I accompanied a female friend to her ex's house to get her things and asked a male friend to accompany us because the ex was a violent shit.
There have been other situations.
In each cases, I asked the physically biggest guy I knew and trusted to come along and it was because I was concerned about a specific man.
I wasn't expecting any fights to break out (!) but dodgy men are simply less likely to cause trouble with a woman if there's a big man standing next to her.

What a lovely and thoughtful post OP!
My lovely Uncle just passed away today and he used to take us to Football matches!

Taliban mentality alive and well and posting on Mumsnet, who could have ever imagined?

Women must not appear in public without a male controller,

Women without a male controller can expect to be assaulted.

The issue is not 'Oh, I turn to men to make me feel safe' [breathy voice, girlish giggles].

The issue is that even in 2025, sometimes women don't feel safe being out alone. That needs addressing.

Grew up in a big city, never needed or wanted a male chaperone. We live in the UK not Afghanistan!
Taking a wild guess I'm going to say most women will be safer alone than with a male chaperone given the majority of sexual assaults/murders are commited by men known to their victims. The biggest dangers to women are usually sleeping right next to them.

Markingbad - yes I will happily and respectfully disagree with anyone, anytime 😄

Fearmongering? While I agree the risk of death at the hands of a stranger is low in the UK (thankfully), crimes against women and girls including sexual harassment on the street, incitement to violence, inappropriate and criminal behaviour - stalking, groping on public transport, indecent exposure, hidden cameras etc are common place experiences for many women. And I think the recent Gisele Pelicot trial has clarified for many women the incredible levels of criminal sexual opportunism amongst men.

So fearmongering no, sadly not.

The OP proposal and question wasn't about women sometimes choosing to be with a friend or companion (sex unspecified) for safety.

The OP proposal and question was about women not going out and about without a male authority figure.

Exactly like the Taliban.

I'm interested in the fact that some women feel no fear and others very much do and feel the need for a male chaperone. Obviously this must partly relate to past experiences and whether a woman's felt threatened before. I think it's more complex than that though. As I've already stated, I've never felt like vulnerable as a woman and roam around anywhere, at any time of day. I always have done.
I do also wonder about the dynamics of having a man to protect you. Whether some women enjoy it as it makes them feel feminine. Whether some men enjoy it as it makes them feel like a big strong man. There's nothing wrong with this, by the way.
I also wonder if there's a correlation between the size of a woman and how safe they feel. I'm 5 ft 8 and certainly as tall or almost as tall as some men. I've never had the sense that men are significantly bigger or stronger than me. I look many men in the eye. A lot of men are smaller than me. I wonder if you're a more petite, dainty woman than me, if you feel more vulnerable.
I also wonder about family dynamics and gender roles growing up and how these impact thought processes. Despite having two brothers we were always treated exactly the same way. There was never a sense that they were male and I was female. It never occurred to me that I should go to my brothers or dad as makes for help or that they should protect me.
However, I most definitely had friends whose families had very strict gender roles. My female friends did things with their mums as fellow females whilst their brothers did manly things with their dads. As young women these friends would always go to their brothers to deal with any issues with difficult boyfriends. One got her brother to punch a boyfriend when he treated her badly. I've never once thought of my brothers or my husband protecting me from other men.
I think all these factors come into play in how a woman views both the threat from men and using known men to protect you.

And for me this is not about insisting that women need male chaperones for some sense of propriety or because women are some how incapable. It's about understanding that Western society has not progressed in many ways in terms of the treatment of females. Women and girls are often in a position where using the decent men in their lives as 'shields' from male violence is a form of risk mitigation.

It's shit, it shouldn't be needed but it's not women's fault that it still is. And women living fairly privileged lives with low risks should remember that some women live in neighbourhoods where crime and anti social behaviour is rife or work in jobs where harassment is often baked in. I think these women should be free to use whatever means necessary to feel safe without being accused of letting the side down.

Chaperones and shields are very very different things.

A shield deflects violence, a chaperone controls the potential victim.

SallyWD - I grew up in a socially mixed wc neighbourhood, adjoining some really socially deprived areas. I worked in bars, am tall and well built and could talk the talk. I identify as a strong and confident woman, unfortunately I couldn't identify out of having a weaker female sexed body. My perception of how well I could handle myself meant little to the 13 stone bloke who decided to bar my exit leaving work until a bigger bloke stepped in. None of that was about my upbringing, any ideas about maintaining feminity etc - it was based on material facts about male strength.

I never had a male chaperone. Always did my own thing travelled late at night on my own. Been around the world backpacking. I’ve never had a male chaperone