Sad. A simple word to describe these overwhelming feelings

[OverwhelminglyOverwhelmed]

Today, my husband and I have had a significant row. Obviously my username sums it up but I'm also aware of my weaknesses (lately I've been raising my voice, failing to manage my frustrations).Perhaps it's that I'm using my husband as a sounding board and it's too much for him. I wasn't always like this but now every day the news about murders, rapes, OnlyFans, workplace discrimination and a host of other everyday sexism - I feel overwhemled; not in a self-pitying way more like i feel utter sadness and disgust at what Is happening to so many women (one is too many).

I try to talk to my husband but I can feel (and have seen this) his eyes rolling. I, like most of the world, am utterly disturbed by what Gisele Pelicot endured. I can't bear to think of what she went through and will undoubtedly face for the rest of her life but I also can't switch off. I knows it's not my place to take on anyones grief. My husband tells me to "not become entrenched". He also told me today that I'm losing it and that I'm always going on about the male population. He said what some men do isn't on him. I'm so confused. I know I sound helpless. Also I asked him does he worry about our daughters going out into the world and he said "yes, but I don't think about it because if you do you'll go crazy".

He tends to not share his deepest thoughts about any of the shit going on in the world. Some might say an incompatibility on my part and that I'm expecting too much and forcing him to share his opinions or at the very least discuss things. The thing is I'm aware of how little I know about things but I still try to form some viewpoint and educate myself (I feel an obligation to for my sake and for my daughters). Then I feel shame for being judgemental.

Anyone else feel like this. I'm not seeking validation more a sense that others feel overwhelmed. Obviousl, others will feel like this is part and parcel of the world we live in and perhaps I'm failing him as his wife.

I don't talk to my fella about any of this stuff. If he agrees with me, super, but I don't need his validation. If he didn't care or, worse, didn't agree we'd just fall out. I find venting on MN FWR literally saved my sanity, and possibly my relationship. I'm only one person I am in no position to majorly influence these big issues and I recognise that.

There's the serenity prayer, or a secular version of that (whadday know there's a .gif!). That helps.

I write to my MP, fill in surveys, donate to crowdfunders when I can afford it. Indulge in some stealth terfing if the subject comes up.

When my youngest daughter was born I was fortunate that I didn't suffer from post natal depression but I was almost overwhelmed with the way the male world stacks the decks against women. I rationalised it by being ruthlessly pragmatic. It is what it is, she's going to have to deal with it. Worrying about the future, what might be, just steals joy from the present. And she's lucky, born in this country, at this time, in a healthy body. So many generations, so many women now living elsewhere do not have even a taste of that luck.

I'm probably just rambling. Have a lovely Christmas op.

I completely understand how you feel op. I understand your husband's attitude too. Sometimes you just can't worry about it. You have to cocoon yourself a bit. My husband has a similar attitude to yours. He is an optimist and doesn't want to feel despair. He's very much a doer but his focus isn't women's rights. He does stuff for the community. I found the Feminism boards earlier this year when I knew I needed to find out what the hell was going on and also to have people to talk to about it.

While sometimes I am overwhelmed I try to focus on things I can do and to do stuff that I enjoy. Suffering for other people doesn't achieve anything. (I have to remind myself of this)

I have just finished reading Wolf Hall which is about Thomas Cromwell and Henry 8th's government. It really brings home to you that there have always been battles of ideology, suffering, abuse and death. So many people were executed for their beliefs and so much of that was down to power and politics. Contemplating how people have suffered through history is an odd remedy for current feelings of despair but it does put things in perspective.

I’m sorry but there are two types of men. The good ones who will have empathy and see exactly what’s wrong with the males inculcated in the Pelicot case, and utter sexist cunts. It’s not hard. It’s not complicated.

If your partners aren’t making the right responses that tells you everything you need to know. You are NOT ‘failing’ as a wife - he is failing as a human being. And you’re right to feel sad.

https://preview.redd.it/the-good-man-spectrum-v0-rtsrm07bem1d1.png?width=1080&format=png&auto=webp&s=bfaabb2c02fd1d4e81517dc2c68173e76d3d46d4

Have you seen the good man/bad man spectrum. It's more accurate than splitting men into good and bad.

The news is full of sad stuff because this gets attention. I agree with Pp's take on historical arc. Read Factfulness and see just how much is better than it was in the world. This is such a safe, healthy, comfortable time to be alive. I'm sorry you're not finding your DH much good as a sounding board, but wallowing in the misery of the world when you can't change it isn't healthy and I can understand not wanting to be dragged down. When I started feeling existential climate despair a few years ago, I got involved in a climate group which helped me feel I was channeling that despair in a positive direction. It has solved nothing in the world but I felt so much better. Same with the gender stuff - I have carried out a project and if I can help just a few young women choose a different path, or at least consider it more deeply I feel less despairing. I recommend small actions to regain a bit of control and feel less overwhelmingly overwhelmed.

My DH is a good man with a strong moral code but the things he does to be good are different to how I would do it. If he decides someone is "bad", he has nothing more to do with them. I would try and confront them, change them, he just refuses to have anything to do with them. He also thinks it's the job of the police to deal with bad people.

He didn't want to hear about Gisele Pelicot. He said he would never do anything like that and the men have been caught and are going to prison, as they should. He doesn't see it as his problem.

I can't say he's wrong and I can't say he's right. It's just him so I deal with it.

Honestly - I think if my husband was to keep talking to me negatively about women, I may lose patience with it & roll my eyes eventually.

Hes not the right audience. Men will never 'get it' - let's face it, women cheerlead all kinds of weird harmful shit for themselves, so I wouldn't expect any man have clear understanding & perspective which doesn't revolve around his male perspective & experience. (That's why personally I don't feel men can be feminists & TW can't be women).

I do speak to my DH about big women's rights stories, and he was horrified by the Pelicot case (thank Christ - you'd have to be a sicko not to be) but I come to FWR to really moan.

You are allowed to take a break OP. Turn off the news & hide FWR for a bit of it's all too much. Focus on your real life and your lovely girl for a while & rest. Sadly it will all be here waiting when you're ready to return.

Yes. I'm very concerned. Another woman I know is in deep depression after the WASPI insult. Things are not good.

One sentence stood out for me - "He said what some men do isn't on him"

I find quite often, if I'm talking about a case of VAWAG, the men will take what is being said personally as if, merely talking about the details, you're lumping them in with the perpetrator, or even blaming them for what happened. The good ol' NAMALT line needs repeating to them over and over, or else you're personally attacking them. And so these cases shouldn't really be mentioned, for fear of upsetting other men. Such fragile egos. Or maybe something else is going on, I don't know.

Some men also tend to think you're presenting the case for them to solve, or have answers to.

No, you're not failing him as his wife, and you're not 'losing it', he just doesn't want to talk in any depth about the things you find important, upsetting, or want to know more about.

Please don't feel shameful either, you simply have a caring nature. Just make sure you give yourself plenty of nice things to think about and limit your time on the not so nice. Regardless, everyone needs to vent now and then.

"Some men also tend to think you're presenting the case for them to solve, or have answers to."

It's a very bloke thing to want to solve a problem and feel helpless and defensive if we can't. If that sounds trite or an excuse I don't mean it to.

OP, your sense of being overwhelmed is perfectly understandable. The fact that Pelicot found 50 men within the locality who were keen to do it is horrifying. You're not failing anyone - you feel a natural horror at very real horrors.

I agree with this.

Or if you are feeling too overwhelmed, step back from it all. Stop reading, step back into the day to day world and rediscover that most of your interactions with people are decent and positive.

To be honest, I can kind of see your husband's side of it OP.

I'm male, but because I spend a lot of time on here I'm probably more aware than most men of the shitness of a lot of men and the horrors they perpetrate. I'm about as Terfy as it gets, I've followed the Pelicot case closely etc. I'm not perfect by any means. I've grown up in a society that treats men as "better", and as such I've got my own biases and internalised misogyny that I've had to unlearn, but I try my best.

And I'm happy to talk about this stuff with people. I had a long conversation the pub the other day with a couple of female friends about the Pelicot case and the 100 men who slept with Lily James. And yes, sometimes I feel a bit battered if the conversation turns to my sex as a whole being scum, but it's fine, I know I'm not scum, so I don't feel the need to start arguing "Not all men"

But I think I'd struggle if it was DP I was having those conversations with. I'd feel more attacked personally, and feel the need to convince her that, no, not all men are like that, I'm not like that. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her, I need to know that she respects me, feels safe with me.

Luckily for me, DP tries to avoid the news, she prefers to be oblivious to the shit going on in the world, so we don't talk about all the horrific stuff going on all that much.

Greetings for the festive season, OverwhelminglyOverwhelmed - which is a pretty overwhelming time of year, anyway, isn't it?🙄

It's the turn of the year soon, so pack away 2024 with the tangled fairy lights and the crumpled wrapping paper, and set your sights on a new year when the tide might keep turning in a better direction.
There's a whole thread on here about possible improvements in 2025.
Will 2025 will be the year the trans trend crashes? | Mumsnet

Who knows? but hopefully there are reasons to be more optimistic.
Take care of yourself, and value your own thoughts and opinions,

One foot in front of the other into a new year, OverwhelminglyOverwhelmed - and maybe even a new username

Link doesn't work for me

I've tried copying and pasting. Might work.

Nope

the men will take what is being said personally as if, merely talking about the details, you're lumping them in with the perpetrator, or even blaming them for what happened. The good ol' NAMALT line needs repeating to them over and over, or else you're personally attacking them.

OMG yes. My DH is like this. Anything remotely "feminist" I say and he is immediately on the defensive, claiming that I am lumping all men together. I have to preface everything with NAMALT, but he is still defensive, feeling personally attacked because I am criticising any men at all.

I just don't bother talking to him about this stuff any more.

It's crazy isn't it!

Going by the same principle, if you were talking to your DH about the rise in burglaries, some being aggravated burglaries, in your area and how it makes you feel unsafe and wanting to get a house alarm, I bet his response wouldn't be 'oh but not everyone walking past our house is going to burgle it, not all people are like that, stop going on about it, you're making it sound like I'm a burglar too'.

There is much to unpick about men's attitude regarding this subject.