Men co-parenting while living with their parents

[RichTea90]

I don’t know if this is the right board for this, but I wanted somewhere to share and discuss how I’ve become more aware of the changing dynamics of couples and families, and I’d love to know other people’s thoughts on this.

I have a male friend, early 40s, divorced, young daughter who lives at home with his Dad and co-parents while living with Dad. It’s the same with a male cousin of mine who is a bit younger but mid to late 30s and co parents his son while living at home with mum & dad.

What is going on here?! I get the economical barriers of people being able to afford houses, and I live in the South East where it’s even harder, but I can’t imagine growing up in a house where one of my parents still lived with Grandad and Grandma. Also I try to encourage my male friend all the time to move out, but on a single income, he said he can’t afford it. He’s on just shy of £40k a year.

I feel like this is becoming increasingly common, but I just feel women have become so much more independent than men. These men have almost become… I don’t know what the word is but very infantilised. Maybe I’m not showing them enough respect. I just find it bizarre. I can’t help but wonder how it’s going to be when their kids are teenagers.

i know of very few women in this same scenario. Most single mums I know either have their own home or they rent.

I presume it’s economics. Maybe moved back home after separation and haven’t got their own place, due to time, lack of money, etc.

I presume a lot of the women are having their rent paid via benefits and therefore can afford a home for the children

Yes well single mums usually get the welfare support to do so as they are the resident parent.

Multi-generational households are largely caused by economics, but also when you are in your 40s your parents are usually over 70 and oftentimes they need some care and assistance, so there is the unpaid live in carer aspect as well. In addition, some cultures within our society prefer multigenerational households to the western nuclear family household. Many families would see it as ideal that grandparents get to see their grandchildren regularly while one of their parents is also there to do the child care.

Yes that’s true actually - I think both women actually live in social housing. And then I guess with the men paying Child maintenance, they then can’t afford to move out. I find that quite unfair to be fair.

I'd imagine it's because they can't cope without family support?

It is definitely to do with economics but also we it see all the time on here, women who live with men who don't pull their weight.

I dont want to generalise about an entire sex, but many couldn't cope with having to work full time and parent full time as well as running a home and all that entails: laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning and still having time for themselves?

I dont blame them, its is tough, but most women I know would rather die than live with their mothers so maybe that's the difference?

I think I can see how it happens. Often after a split the mother has more custody and may get a larger spot of house equity/get to stay in the house/qualify for UC to help with rent. If the father is less than 50/50 then he will have to pay maintenance so available income is lower.

In the SE then a 1 bedroom flat on a single salary of 40k is probably going to be more than 50% of income after tax and maintenance is paid so quite a stretch. Sharing with parents is probably a safer and better environment than a house share.

I'm sure there are other benefits in terms of having someone to cook clean and babysit on hand as well, but I do think cost of suitable housing is probably a big factor.

Yes, that’s a very good point!

more and more, I just admire women completely for all that they achieve. Single mothers especially!

I reflect on the cost of housing in this country a lot and how deeply it’s affected family structures and such. The nuclear family seems hard to achieve and rarer in this day and age.

I'm sure there are other benefits in terms of having someone to cook clean and babysit on hand as well,

I would agree if the Dads in question were under 40, but as they are over I don’t think that is as likely. Most people in their 70s require some form of unpaid caring from an adult child. So these Dads would be doing a fair amount of cooking, cleaning, and so on.

Yes, some 70+ yr olds are very active and healthy and can babysit grandkids all day, but I think they are the lucky exception given that healthy life expectancy in the U.K. is around 65.

Interesting, I hadn't noticed this!

I actually grew up in the opposite sort of household- living with my mother and my grandmother. My mother was older when she had me, even considered a "geriatric pregnancy", and she worked almost full-time throughout my childhood, so having my grandmother around was incredibly helpful. I assume my mother ended up back at home because it was short notice and we live in an expensive area, so she couldn't have afforded a place to live on her own, but ultimately it worked out for the best. My mother was entirely my only parent, but I loved having my grandmother around and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

I imagine from men it's often a similar combination of motivations, even if they're co-parenting rather than fully single-parenting. Perhaps, as a PP suggested, the ingrained lack of expectation on men to run a household may lead more fathers to this sort of setup- I wouldn't be surprised. Money, emotional support, housing, support with the children if they're having to work full-time; provided it's all done with love and the child as the primary consideration, I'd hope the children can reap the benefit of a strong relationship with both their fathers and grandparents.

Apartment from the obvious financial challenge I think a big proportion of it is due to the support parenting done for them available if you live with mummy. I know not all men. But my ex moved from my house where I did everything to his mum who did everything then to new gf who does all the parenting. We spent thousands fighting in court as he lost his temper and hurt dd and it wasn't safe for him to have unsupervised. I lost and he got unsupervised and years later the only bit he does solo is collecting them all parenting is outsourced to women in his life.

Sorry for your experience, and thanks for sharing.
The cynic in me believes this to be the case for these kind of men… I just wonder what kind of role model they’re providing to their kids I guess.

My friend is a great Dad, and he has a fantastic relationship with his daughter. But he does nothing around the house (they have a cleaner) his Dad is at the pub most of the time. He does a bit of cooking, but all bills and such are managed by his Dad. He even drives his Dad’s car. I do wonder where his money goes. He has his daughter 50% of the time.

My cousin definitely benefits from having his mum & dad at home, and no doubt my female cousin too as they did a lot of childcare for him.

I feel like this is becoming increasingly common, but I just feel women have become so much more independent than men.

It’s more likely due to women coming out of a divorce financially better than they went in many times. Often the man will lose out on some of the equity in the home, obviously have child maintenance payments, a reduced pension and then it’s difficult to rent or own a home big enough to facilitate the kids visits on top.

I think you nailed it

To add I’m not say oh poor men, but after a divorce a single mum will have much more benefits open to them whereas the man won’t. If he wants to have a reasonable amount of access and time with his kids he needs to have appropriate space for them so I imagine in many cases doing this at his parents is unfortunately the easiest way vs owning/ renting a 3 bed.
I’m sure they don’t view it as overly ideal. It’s hard for them to move forward with their life in their mummy’s house surely.

“I can’t imagine growing up in a house where one of my parents still lived with Grandad and Grandma”

…and yet a few generations ago, going back thousands of years, that would have been completely normal.

I don't really understand the disapproval of some posters for multi generational households - as Randysavage says they used to be the norm (and still are in some countries).

Single parenting is hard, for both men and women. Surely it's better for the child to live with several people who love them and a parent who is supported, rather than with just one parent who is stressed to the eyeballs with having to do everything themselves? (When I split up with my ex, myson was very young. I was relieved when his new gf moved in a couple of years later as I knew he'd be a better parent and nicer for our son to be around when he was there, if he had support and wasn't stressed and not coping). I don't get why having live in support is a bad thing?

I'm sure there are some cases of lazy bastards leaving everything to their parents/new partners but that's not going to be the case for everyone.

1 - there's nothing wrong with intergenerational living, most countries do it way, way more than we do. You have been conditioned to move out of your parents as early as possible for the lie of "independence" what it actually means is "spend more money on things to help the government".

2 - when I got divorced, I moved into my mums, despite owning the marital home (my mum had been born in it) for 18 months until my ex wife got herself together and moved out (along with 60% of our capital)

Don't judge people.

I'm in this situation.

DC's dad decided he wanted out (no warning, together a very long time) sold our home together, equity split 50/50. A decent deposit each.
I moved in with my parents for 6 months while I found and bought a new house. Picked myself up after the biggest shock of my life and heartbreak I thought I'd never recover from. But I did, for the sake of my child.
Ex is still living with his parents 8 years later. He had the same amount of money to start again as I did. No idea what he's done with it, but I think I can assume it wasn't sensible and not in the best interests of his child.
The only benefit I have that he doesn't is child benefit. I work full time and receive no other benefits. I had to buy a house in the catchment of a good school, large mortgage on my income alone. He could have bought a property in a much cheaper area. For whatever reason he's chosen not to. He pays the minimum child maintenance, far less than 50% of what it realistically costs to raise our child.
I'm so sad my child doesn't not have a decent role model in their father. Who had the same opportunity to start again as I did. Yes he pays child support, but it just about touches the sides of the realistic costs of raising a child. I am undoubtedly paying more towards our child's upbringing than he is.
It's sad and I wish it was different.

This isn't a new thing. My parents lived with their parents for over 5 years when they were first married in the 60s. My friend and his girlfriend then wife lived at his mother's in the early 80s.

The single mums will presumably have benefits and child maintenance but the non resident dads won't have and of that and will pay maintenance each month - their only option might be to rent in a share house then that's not safe to have the kids overnight. They'll find a new girlfriend with her own place to move in with soon enough I'm sure 😂

One of my best friends growing up lived with him mum and grandmother. I believe this was in part economic and in part because as a youngish single mum she needed the help.

I don't think it's that uncommon for single mothers to live with their mums or parents. So I'm not that surprised some men might too in a similar situation.

CoL I am sure is a factor, and also just how difficult it can be to find housing at all.

I also think that if the dad wants to have the kids stay with him he will likely try to avoid a house share type situations. It's just not a very tenable scenario.

I've noticed this too.

When men do t have a wife they go back home to get their mum to do their laundry.

It's worth pointing out (as some people like to bash single mums for 'sponging off the state' ) that single Mums aren't automatically entitled to any more benefits than Dads, benefits are income rather than sex based!