Men co-parenting while living with their parents

[RichTea90]

I don’t know if this is the right board for this, but I wanted somewhere to share and discuss how I’ve become more aware of the changing dynamics of couples and families, and I’d love to know other people’s thoughts on this.

I have a male friend, early 40s, divorced, young daughter who lives at home with his Dad and co-parents while living with Dad. It’s the same with a male cousin of mine who is a bit younger but mid to late 30s and co parents his son while living at home with mum & dad.

What is going on here?! I get the economical barriers of people being able to afford houses, and I live in the South East where it’s even harder, but I can’t imagine growing up in a house where one of my parents still lived with Grandad and Grandma. Also I try to encourage my male friend all the time to move out, but on a single income, he said he can’t afford it. He’s on just shy of £40k a year.

I feel like this is becoming increasingly common, but I just feel women have become so much more independent than men. These men have almost become… I don’t know what the word is but very infantilised. Maybe I’m not showing them enough respect. I just find it bizarre. I can’t help but wonder how it’s going to be when their kids are teenagers.

i know of very few women in this same scenario. Most single mums I know either have their own home or they rent.

I often wonder how many parents pay adequate amounts of child maintenance. I found some figures as to how many separated families there are but not much else that is helpful. Most of the women I know don't seem to receive regular or reliable child maintenance payments. Some of the ones with CMS involvement are assessed at less than £10 a week and don't even receive that.

https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/research-briefings/cbp-10082/

I wish there were some decent statistics and data.

Men will still have more coming in on the whole than a single mum.

I know 1 woman living with her parents and child, solo pregnancy & gp live in a big house in a good area with good schools so makes a lot of sense. GP always look a bit knackered but maybe that's me projecting! I know another child free woman back living with parents but complex parental care issues there as well as the financial side of renting/buying, and that scenario might play out in my own extended family. If older adults need help at home and have spare bedrooms it can make a lot of sense.

Again with the assumptions- do you mean 'men' as in all single dads or do you mean 'men who only have their DC resident for a couple of days'?

I think as a mother in such a situation, where my ex lived with his parents, I'd be happier for him to co-parent than if he lived alone. Though that would very much depend on his parents and how loving they were towards the child/children. It would be nice for the children to still be able to have the experience of family.

I have a friend who's the grandmother in this situation. Her son went back to live with her when his relationship broke up and the child's mum and child stayed in the family house. I don't know the precise arrangements but basically the child seems to stay with Dad and Grandma a couple of nights a week.

Maybe I'm missing the downsides and I don't suppose it'll work forever but right now, it's helped create a stable arrangement and regular contact with dad for a child after a family break up, plus it's enabled my friend to maintain a close relationship with her grand child and daughter in law.

(Edited cos of repetition)

Sorry to be the horrible cynic but I think half the time they blame economics but they're just glad to palm the child off on their mother (the grandma) when it's their weekend

To be fair, both my friend & my cousin are really good Dads. My friend in particular. The Grandad (his Dad) does help out from time to time e.g. school run or taking kid to classes. He has his child one week on and one week off. His ex wife moved into social housing and he gives a couple hundred a month but to the point he can’t really afford to move out and have his own household. I’ve been looking into shared ownership with him but it will leave him very stretched each month.

I think in this scenario, I feel a bit sorry for him as he did not want to break up with his wife, but they were living with his Dad at the time they chose to have a baby which I think was a big mistake. He’s now stuck in a rut. The ex is self employed and regularly asks him for more money.

The cynic in me wonders if she planned this all along because she’s from a different country, and she was quite controlling when they were together. I feel quite sorry for him as he’s desperate for his own place. Only got a small deposit though.

My friend's son does this.

She does it all for him, including the pick up and drop off as her son is "too busy" (he isn't, he's a gamer).

The never-ending parade of GFs who ended up "watching" his 3 year-old son after he's taken him to watch rugby. His son just watches daddy getting pissed in the club after the match while GFs get bored trying to watch him.

But that's okay as it's "bonding" for them. And my friend picks him up before my nephew gets too pissed to stand straight and it's all okay as all the dads do it.

And it's all her ex DIL's fault (it isn't - I know her mum well, too).

My friend's justification of her son's bad behaviour is shocking and she's just storing up trouble for the future. Her son has recently become engaged (again). I hope she knows what she's in for.

It’s a wonder why / how men like this have children of their own.

My DM is in her 70s, with a catalogue of severe health problems. She still runs round after my 45yo DB who lives with her, does his cooking, washing and ironing, all the cleaning and looks after his child who comes to stay every weekend because DB is a hopeless, helpless man-baby who is incapable of growing up. She also takes no money from him and buys all his food, despite her being on pension credit and him earning a decent wage.

I suspect there are many men in the same position.

But I’m sorry to say this, but it’s the mother’s fault in a way. Completely enmeshed.

It’s 100% her fault!

Yeah, just reinforced it. So many mothers r like this with their sons. If I ever have a son I’ll never be like this.

One of the things about breaking up is there isn’t a default back up adult if eg one is stuck on a train and will miss pick up.

In general terms (whether from maternity leave or social skills) women have built up more of a network of friends who could cover in an emergency. If there are grandparents who can do that, then that is a big help.

That does generally tend to be true I find.

Sadly in my friend’s case it’s quite the opposite tho as his ex-wife’s family all live abroad so she heavily relies on him and his family sometimes help out!