Help please

[Noplannow]

Hi have a child (19y) who is autistic and trans. We have discussed the issues a lot over the years and I would say I am GC.
The child has asked me to change the spelling of their name to the one that is typical for the gender they would choose. I have gone along with this.
My partner has got very angry about this and said I am gaslighting them and feeding the trans delusion. I feel I am trying to walk an impossible tight rope.
my child is an adult and vulnerable and I need to keep communication open with them.
I think this may be the end for me and my partner. I am heart broken.

Please read this from Bayswater support and show it to your partner. You are doing absolutely the right thing in keeping communication open.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips

Also, I'm sorry to hear you have found yourself in this situation. It must be so tough to deal with. Sending a hug.

Thank you.

I will think about sharing this.
At the moment my partner is too angry I think. We do not live together and did not part on good terms after this conversation

I'm sorry your partner isn't supportive. It's an incredibly difficult area to navigate. Look after yourself op. One part of the advice from the Bayswater group is to develop your child's interests outside 'being trans'. You sound like a great parent, could you do something fun with your DC today to focus on the nice stuff in your lives? There is also a parents forum on the Bayswater support website. I'm sure you'd find it useful to talk to other parents who are experiencing the same thing.

My child is 19, not sure they will be up for hanging out with me. I feel I might have totally messed up. They leave for university in 2 weeks. I am so worried about them. I told my partner I will not fall out with my DC

I think I have lost them both

I'm sure your child loves you and wants to keep a relationship with you. Going to university is such a big thing. Are you taking them, helping them with the stuff they need to take, etc? You've decided to support your child through accepting the change in their name's spelling and that's completely valid. Universities are full of people who support gender ideology so I think you have to brace yourself for your child to get more involved in and affirmed in the idea they are trans. I really think you need to find other parents in your position because you sound very isolated.

I am totally isolated.
I am driving them to university. We have spent a lot of time sorting things for it. they will be 8 hours drive away though.
Their friendship group is all on line and very affirming.
i have tried to discuss things and put forward my concerns but and very mindful about chasing them away and confirming the ‘your parents will try to stop you’ trope.

I think at 19 you can't really influence them. Is your DC getting support for their autism at university? Most offer support with laptops, extensions to deadlines, mental health support. Join the Bayswater forum so you can talk about your situation and hopefully feel less alone. You probably need to have a discussion with your partner once he has calmed down
It sounds like you're having a really tough time op. Look after yourself.

I think they are getting support. They don’t want me to oversee their university stuff, they want to prove they can be independent.
the uni are definitely aware about their autism and have, I think, put in place a learning plan or something similar

Best of luck op. I found WhatsApp the best way to keep in touch with my DD at uni. I'd send her pictures of the cats and other stuff she's interested in and we used it to organise stuff if necessary. I hope things get better for you all.

I just can’t really cope with this anymore

Oh op I really feel for you. My daughter has also recently started identifying as a trans boy but she’s only 13 so I feel it’s a bit easier.
I’ve joined Our Duty support group and I really recommend you join a support group too, it’s a huge relief to have other parents in the same situation for guidance and solidarity.
https://ourduty.group or
https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk etc.
In our case we’re not going along with the new name or pronouns because I don’t believe it’s right for my daughter. She was extremely feminine growing up and this new trans identity isn’t making her happy. I haven’t allowed school to go along with it either. I think if her close family love her and support her as she is, it’s easier for her to come back to reality eventually.
If you decide not to go along with it either just make sure she knows how much you love her anyway and explain why you’re doing it this way.

I'd do the same in order to keep contact and communication going and not be seen as the enemy. You can send them a good luck card with the spelling e.g. Robyn not Robin, without it being a big deal.
Encourage them to go to the LGBT group in their Freshers Week.
Stay positive and friendly. Don't judge on their presentation even if stereotypically femme (nails, lippy, long hair, jewellery etc) - we're all born naked, the rest is drag, as RuPaul would say.
Let them experiment - trope of femininity might be enough to prevent them taking hormones/growing breasts - they're still young and trying to fit/find their tribe. Yes - that vulnerability and the autism might mean they're open to ideology in order to fit in - but similarly, might be a phase/try it and find out.
At college, many freshers adopt a persona until they've worked out how to be them. Many use the opportunity for reinvention. Allow your son that without preaching on effeminacy/feminine men etc
Is your partner their Dad/parental figure?
He can continue to be gender critical as common sense/ying to your yang but might find his son distances himself. Your job is to keep him safe. I don't think a change of spelling is pandering or enabling or gaslighting. It's just a spelling.
Let him discover himself and sex and student life, before you panic. Panic just means he'll become entrenched and start body modifications you can't change. Cross dressing is changeable.

Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate it.
My partner is neither my child’s father or a parental figure. They get along well but wouldn’t discuss this kind of thing. Probably only see each other for a couple of hours once a fortnight
@FatFilledTrottyPuss I have applied to the our duty website, thank you
@MancunianMum that all sounds sensible to me. It is what I have been aiming for.
Ultimately I only want my child to be safe and happy. They can choose to navigate the world as they wish. I just want to do what is for the best… unfortunately I don’t necessarily know what that is.

I don't think I'd be encouraging them to join the LGBTQ group (although it's not up to you obviously) I'd be encouraging them to do things away from their trans identity such as joining a sports or coding club

I don’t think they will be listening to what I have to say about clubs tbh

I meant simply that if he were to meet young gay men or non-binary people, and a gamut of identities, preferences and presentations that he might realise he doesn't have to label himself as anything. If that comes from his peers/his tribe - he might realise he's just got a kink (transvestism/crossdressing) or is in fact gay. I'd prefer that to him taking female hormones and wearing a wig, to try to emulate the opposite sex, if he were my own son. Autists often have rigid thinking. I'd want him to come to the realisation himself he doesn't have to be either/or, that same sex attraction doesn't make him a woman, that he can just be himself.

It's easy to express hard opinions when it isn't your child/ your relationship at risk.

I am hardline GC but I faff about wrt the only trans-identified child I know and care about. I don't want to push them away.

I tie myself in linguistic knots to avoid using pronouns and now only use first initials for them and their siblings (fortunately none of them share an initial).

This kids Mum has found Bayswater very useful.

You might be interested in this article by detransitioner Hazel Appleyard op.

hazelappleyard.substack.com/p/my-advice-for-gender-critical-parents

Send memes and cute animal videos via text regularly and try not to get embroiled in any gender debates.

Ask questions that encourage critical thinking when talking about non-gendery things.

Keep the door open, remind your child that you love them and want them to have a long, healthy & happy life.

I agree completely that when they are young adults living outside of the home our choices are limited.

Hopefully your partner will come around, if not, then maybe they aren’t the sort of support you really need around you at this time.

https://blog.education.nationalgeographic.org/2017/01/20/12-things-we-learned-this-week-8/ultimate-critical-thinking-worksheet/?amp

Thank you for all your messages and help.
i guess we will see what today brings. 🙂

@Noplannow i think Our Duty will be good for you, a lot of the parents are currently in your situation with teenagers about to go off to uni. They’ll all know just how you feel. It can be very lonely going through this without the support of people who really understand.