My daughter wants to be "they/them."

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So my daughter just asked me that if I can try to remember to please refer to her as they/them. I asked her why and she could not explain. I told her it's going to be hard to remember if I don't understand why I'm doing it. She said she can't even really explain it to herself.
She is neurdivergent, as am I.
I'm going to try to remember to do it, just to make her feel better.
Are there any opinions on whether this is the best way to handle it?
She knows I'm GC and is uncomfortable with that.
I just don't get it.

I'm not blaming 1970s feminism, for the elimination of doubt about that - the push to equality was very very necessary. I could tell your stories about discrimination which are shocking now.

But there was a cost, which we need to recognise and get going on the next phase of putting women at the centre of the world.

And opting out as "non-binary" does absolutely NOTHING towards that aim.

These young people think they're progressive - they are quite the reverse.

Absolutely not. Most transgender people really don’t want that at all. A quick correction and move on.

I understand what you mean. The difference with me is I have no set beliefs about gender. I don't know if it even exists and don't particularly care. I only know biological sex exists. Since I'm not fixed on any particular conception of gender, I don't experience cognitive dissonance when using they/them. As you say, the grammar thing is annoying, but that's trivial and I'm sure I can get over that.

I do actually have memory issues from neuroborreliosis. I often forget which day of the week it is, for example. I walk into a room to get something and forget what I'm there to get. It's mostly my short term memory.
So in my case it would be due more to that.

And there's the problem. They demand that you see it, or at least frame it, as a "correction", when all you are doing is using pronouns as they have been used for the vast majority of your life (especially if you are an old codger like me). I don't accept that a "correction" is necessary. That is a consequence of an authoritarian worldview that demands that everyone adjusts their language to suit the new kid on the block, despite the consequences to clarity of thought and argument. It is also something that trans identified people are taught to demand, and taught to see as the main indicator of love. Disagreement is hatred.

It's a bit like demanding that your parents or grandparents use "wicked" to mean "wonderful", but in a context that crops up every few minutes. Language becomes laborious and meaning is obscured. People like me are told over and over again that we are at best "wrong" and at worst "bigoted" for being true to the understanding that we have come to over a lifetime of pondering the rights and wrongs of gender expectations. I do not accept the gender identity thinking that I am told, without coherent explanation, is reality. Someone's personal "reality", that denies their physical, observable reality, is imposed on their families and friends. Those who are closest to them are the most likely to be confused and distressed. But we don't matter at all in this brave postmodern queer theory world.

My views would definitely count …..certainly no less than the DDs …,that’s a very odd thing to say

RapidOnsetGenderCritic

I can understand where you are coming from. This must be really hard.

My daughters are around 30, the same age as OP's daughter and all I can think is how I might respond if one of them announced she wanted to be 'they'. I guess I'd be hoping that by not pushing back on it that it might be a phase that would blow through, rather than leading onto irreversible medical pathways.

But I get that these situations can progress rapidly. I can only imagine how I would devastated I would feel if they were to start talking about testosterone and mastectomies.

It's very difficult at this age. It's still your kid and you want them to take as good care of their precious body as you always did. Especially to do no harm. But they are properly adult. I hate my 30 year old vaping but there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm not fixed on a particular set of beliefs about gender either, or sex for that matter, my views on both have evolved a lot. I used to hope that with time and equivalent training for women we might not need separate sporting categories for men and women at all, which seems scientifically ignorant now!

They/them doesn't give me cognitive dissonance (unlike using wrong-sex pronouns which my DC does) but the grammar is worse than just annoying. Pronouns are one of my memory anchors. Now DC uses they/them for a lot of other people and also has friends whose pronouns change which makes DC's conversation hard to follow.

It's good that your DC doesn't take mistakes personally, mine doesn't either. And I do make the effort. I might have done things differently with a younger child but there are no set solutions that work the same for everyone, we're all feeling our way through this.

True, it can make conversation hard to follow. You're not sure if it's one person or several who are being discussed.
I can imagine a scenario where I was speaking to a relative, for example, about my daughter's birthday.
Relative; "So how was (name's) birthday?"

Me; "They had a great time. We went to the beach and then out to dinner. They were delighted with the cake."

Relative; "Oh, she had some friends with her. How nice for her."

Me; "No, it was just the two of us."

Cue awkward silence.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/284003525Autismmandtheeghostoff_gender

That looks great. Unfortunately I am unable to download it. Not sure why. I would have liked to send it to my daughter.

I just clicked the Download Full Text button near the top which then took me to another page which initially said about joining up for a few seconds, but then said download in progress and opened the full text pdf.

If you’re on a phone, try a tablet or laptop.

OP, this must be really difficult time for you and you sound like you're trying your level best to keep a good relationship going with your daughter - good luck.

I get your wish to blame forgetting on 'senior moments' BTW, but please don't - it's incredibly ageist and teaching her to view all older people as forgetful and daft. As others have said, its not simply 'forgetting', it's being expected to change your lifelong way of thinking and understanding of grammar- which is a big ask! It's not like forgetting a new name.

In an ideal world, your daughter would understand and appreciate what she is asking of you and tolerate your right to decline to do this (not sure why some posters are saying that you don't have a say in your own speech - you most certainly do! ), but I can see how that might lead to conflict that you don't want.

It might help to frame it as something additional that you're choosing to go out of your way to do for your daughter, rather than something she has the right to demand of you and that you'd be a terrible person to refuse, if that makes sense.

Just don't entertain any of this nonsense. She is a she and will always be a she whatever happens in the world. Don;t encourage delusions.

And the default clothes choices for non-binary females always seems to be male.

They don't continue (if they ever did, of course) to wear female clothes, have long hair, and wear makeup, etc.

It's usually very baggy clothes, stark tattoo choices, etc.

My niece is a sweet kid, and says she's non binary.
She is a textbook case, has a history of bullying, anxiety, she self harms, she's attempted suicide several times, and she's same-sex attracted.

I don't pander to the pronouns, but we've always had a good relationship, and I'd like it to continue.
I think Helen Joyce's advice about how to handle the topic with kids is great.

Her relationship with her mum is a bit more fraught. Her mum is highly strung, and has actually also 'come out' as NB recently.

When one of my children told me a few years ago about going over to "they/them", I was flustered and didn't really know what to say. I ended up saying "well, I'm sure we'll all try our best at home. But I'm not telling the dentist!". Because I'm not: I felt (and still feel) strongly that this pronoun business, much like one's sexuality, is nothing to do with people on the periphery of your life. You wouldn't go telling the dentist that you're lesbian. It doesn't affect how your teeth are treated, it's none of her business to know even if she wanted to know (which she most likely doesn't). Anyway, that line turned out to be really helpful. It meant that there are shedloads of friends and family who know nothing about it, because my child was too embarrassed to tell them directly. We're not out of the woods yet by any means, but I feel like there are different paths available just because of that simple off-the-cuff line.
If one of my children tried similar again when they're older, I think I'd try to say "well, I'm sure me and dad will try our best. But I'll leave it up to you to explain that to your grandparents".

I'm done pandering to people over this nonsense. Try this conversation.

DD wanted to be a he for a while. I just used her name instead which luckily has a male/female nickname. Much more importantly though I prioritised our bond and DH’s bond with her. We had some family turmoil going on in the background and this helped us to refocus away from what had happened.

We chatted, we took a deep interest in her as a person, we went on coffee dates, we spoke at length about her hobbies and interests, we spoke about her hopes and dreams and we had a tonne of fun times. She grew out of her gender questioning but it was very, very real at the time for her. A lot of her friends were gender questioning too but it has dropped off the radar completely now.

If you're talking to your relatives and the relatives will be confused, the conversation is literally for the relatives. Not for your daughter. Use she - pronouns are for the benefit of the person you're talking TO not the one you are talking ABOUT.

Oh so you "don't see colour"?
That's really insulting, you know.
Lots of people who are brown or Black think it's important. To them it is. It's affected how they are treated in the world and it's an experience they want to talk about.
It's also ridiculously insulting to say you don't mention it in your ordinary conversation. That means you won't say "oh yes, it was your Black colleague who served me yesterday, he'll have the details" and will talk around it like it's shameful.
And if you want to believe sex only matters in medical situations, you do you, but the rest of us will keep fighting for girls' and women's sports, changing rooms, and safety.

Tell her that 'they' and 'them' are plural pronouns, so you will not be using them incorrectly.

Yes, I would say that's a suitable compromise.

Good point. I'll bring that up with her.

Someone once said, pronouns are like rohypnol. I reckon they're not far wrong.