My daughter wants to be "they/them."

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So my daughter just asked me that if I can try to remember to please refer to her as they/them. I asked her why and she could not explain. I told her it's going to be hard to remember if I don't understand why I'm doing it. She said she can't even really explain it to herself.
She is neurdivergent, as am I.
I'm going to try to remember to do it, just to make her feel better.
Are there any opinions on whether this is the best way to handle it?
She knows I'm GC and is uncomfortable with that.
I just don't get it.

So, instead of fighting back against sexism, like my generation of feminists, they try to retreat from being a woman? It’s retreat and cowardly.

I am wondering if it makes sense to tackle openly the question of shame aorund being a woman. Gay men especially (maybe lesbians too but I haven't heard this) have talked about feeling ashamed of being men attracted to men, or being effeminate, of not wanting to be "gay" or associated with other gay men, and of wanting to be female instead because then the attraction to men would be more "normal" and feminity would seem "womanly" and not "effeminate".

And I think there's something similar about being shamed for being women or becoming women, or feeling ashamed of being women. And that makes older girls and young women not want to be women or to become women, to prefer not to identify as women or with other women.

I have similar issues at home. It's well hard. So to help....

1.	<strong>Developmental Considerations</strong>: Adolescence involves identity exploration. For neurodivergent individuals, this can be more complex. The Cass Report advises a careful approach, suggesting that immediate affirmation might bypass important aspects of this process.
2.	<strong>Mental Health Concerns</strong>: Automatically affirming new pronouns could overlook underlying issues like anxiety or social difficulties. It’s crucial to understand the full context before making changes.
3.	<strong>Importance of Exploration</strong>: Experts recommend exploring your daughter’s feelings with a mental health professional before affirming her request. This ensures decisions are made with a full understanding of her needs.
4.	<strong>Parental Guidance</strong>: Support your daughter through open dialogue and professional advice to ensure her long-term well-being, rather than making immediate changes.

So - while it’s important to be empathetic and supportive, it’s equally important to ensure that any affirmation comes after a thorough exploration of the reasons behind your daughter’s request. Engaging in open, ongoing conversations with her and seeking the guidance of a mental health professional can help you navigate this situation in a way that prioritises her long-term well-being.

Referring to your daughter as ‘she’ is not a ‘senior moment’. Nobody has the right to compel other people’s speech.

I would use the name..,,if I remember they them then maybe….but probably not

I find myself feeling inwardly a bit eye-rolly about pronoun business. It all seems really silly to me.

BUT.. if one of my kids (same sort of age as OP's) wanted to be non-binary or whatever I would do everything in my power to support them wholeheartedly. I'd just want them to know that the only important thing to me is that they are happy and that they are loved completely. That I am in their corner, always.

So that, OP (based on gut instinct but no experience) would be my advice to you. Get behind it with a loving heart and go with the flow.

You don't say how old she is.

Go along with it. Your views dont count right now. Hers do

Why?? The OP has said her DD is in her 30s BTW.

Yeah, I asked her if it was because she wasn't proud to be a woman and she assured me it's not about that.

It is a senior moment if it's only because I've forgotten.

Absolutely. She does have the help of an excellent therapist and we do have an open dialogue about her feelings and the things she is going through.
Thank you for that helpful advice.

I missed that shes in her 30s. Ok welm the parents view matters even less.

Shes an adult that doesnt require the ops permission or blessing

A future good relationship between the two does require the op to respect her adult child's wishes

Yes, I have wondered about that. I think that if anything, it may be about fear rather than shame, fear based on male behaviour towards women.

Yes, I am doing that. It's her choice. The problem is going to be remembering.

We use gender neutral pronouns in this house. I'm not non-binary I will happy to say my chromosomes if it's relevant. I do it because I believe we are all equal so why do we need Mrs, Miss, Ms, Mr, he or she to tell us who that person is. In my eyes identify a person by name and if you already know who you are talking about just use they for everyone.

For me it's very much about not seeing gender as a relevant factor outside of healthcare (then only for chromosome based diseases) in the modern world it seems so ancient to still use it in everyday conversation. You wouldn't use a person ethnicity in general conversation.

For me, it's also important that my son doesn't get drawn onto a medical pathway. Cross-sex hormones and "gender affirming" surgery are both, in my opinion, almost certainly unnecessary and damaging. I am concerned that my son may be being gaslit and coerced. So I am not just concerned with his (short term) happiness. And what does "loved completely" mean?

I'm also concerned about the negative impact of what I believe to be an unhelpful understanding of sex and gender, both on my son and upon women as a class, and individual women who may be vulnerable.

So I will continue to try to stand up for acceptance of physical reality and for truth.

But not the child to respect their parent’s views? You said the OP’s views didn’t matter. That’s what I was questioning.

Half the problem with pronouns is that they’re used to compel other people’s speech. This is particularly true amongst younger people. It gives them a feeling of power - that they can dictate what adults must refer to them as; that they can change their ‘gender’ and pronouns numerous times a month and everyone must comply and fall over themselves to get things right; that they can point their finger and squeal ‘transphobia’ if someone refers to them with the ‘wrong’ pronoun; that they can make everyone tiptoe around them and demand special treatment.

More than that, it’s everyone’s business when this regressive ideology reifies gender stereotypes and undermines women’s rights.

It doesn’t make people unequal to refer to their sex. Identifying sex is sometimes necessary to avoid sexism and discrimination. You’re muddling equal and equity IMO. We don’t live in a society where every person is treated the same. We have sexism and racism. Pretending sex and race don’t exist does nothing to identify those in need of support or who are being discriminated against on the basis of sex or race:

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging differences. The problem is when people are discriminated against or thought inferior due to those differences. We can still be women and men, and girls and boys - differences aren’t the problem, discrimination is.

Good for you. It won't matter if you slip up.

But it is not just about forgetting. At least not for me. It's about managing a significant cognitive dissonance. I am definitely more stupid when I have to do this because I am constantly aware that it's "wrong" or "off" and having to focus and make a conscious effort to overcome it. Trying to use "he" for someone who I know, remember and recognise at an unconscious level as female takes mental effort like trying to read aloud "green" on a flashcard when it's written in red ink. And trying to use "they" about a single person (apart from a few specific contexts talking about a general person whose sex is unknown) derails my sense of grammar and makes it harder to follow who or even how many people are being talked about. Sure, there are occasions when someone who I know is female uses a male name and it easily flows to say "he" instead, but there are also times when it is a real a burden that requires a significant conscious effort. And (for me) it never flows mentally to refer to one known person as "they".

We may joke about it to be pleasant, but calling mistakes a "senior moment" is doing yourself a disservice. Your memory is not at fault. You remember who your DD is and was even though they want you to forget

In many cases, it doesn't matter if you "slip up", but God help you if you don't apologise profusely for the grievous sin of "misgendering".

Thank you. That is exactly my experience.

One of my kids, and her cousin are both currently going by they/them. I'm GC but we're all respectful of each other - the other night I asked for the "formal" version of Ma'am for a they/them. We settled on Th'am...neither are ever outraged if anyone doesn't get it right.

I don't think either of these young people want to be another sex, it feels a lot like just non-conforming behaviour, as another poster said, they're opting out. And I'm fine with that at the moment, if that changes we'll all have to look again and see where we can find common ground.

More than that, it’s everyone’s business when this regressive ideology reifies gender stereotypes and undermines women’s rights.

Brava! So well put.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging differences. The problem is when people are discriminated against or thought inferior due to those differences. We can still be women and men, and girls and boys - differences aren’t the problem, discrimination is

The pitfalls of acknowledging and acting on sexual difference are what got us into this mess, I think.

Back in the 1970s (I am a 70s feminist), the sexism and discrimination because of sexual difference was so extreme, that the way we got a lot of feminist changes was by denying sexual difference eg. equal pay. It was important to have all the equality rights.

But women (and girls) had to fit into a male-dominated world - more than that, we have to fit our female, sexed bodies, with our specific role in the reproduction of the species, into a public world (workplace, institutions, education etc etc) and a private world (housework, childcare etc etc) which had developed for centuries around male bodies, and their specific role in reproduction.

Women have to "become" men for many of the purposes of equal participation in public life and countering discrimination in all parts of our lives. We have to pretend that we don't menstruate or get pregnant, with all the real physical bodily effects of our sexed bodies.

I think this is why there is still such conflict around maternity leave in the workplace, for example.

For a revolutionary vision, imagine how we would organise society - work, education, families - around the female body and its physical requirements and processes?