My daughter wants to be "they/them."

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So my daughter just asked me that if I can try to remember to please refer to her as they/them. I asked her why and she could not explain. I told her it's going to be hard to remember if I don't understand why I'm doing it. She said she can't even really explain it to herself.
She is neurdivergent, as am I.
I'm going to try to remember to do it, just to make her feel better.
Are there any opinions on whether this is the best way to handle it?
She knows I'm GC and is uncomfortable with that.
I just don't get it.

Great points and thank you. Yes, she does trust me and vice versa. We are very close.

If she can't explain it to herself then I wouldn't give it any credence, TBH. I know she's ND, but she's also an adult, and she needs to realise she can't make demands about things she doesn't fully understand herself.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your sensitive, intelligent and kind responses and for having my back with that troll.

It wasn't a demand. It was a polite request. I am going to do my best to honour her wishes. I'm her mom, so it's my job to do what I can to make her feel comfortable, no matter if I understand her reasons or not.

OK, fine: 'she can't make requests about things she doesn't fully understand herself'.

I do wonder why you're asking when you've already decided how you're going to handle it.

The older (ie not school age) woman I know who’s a ‘they/them’ suffered a family trauma. I firmly believe this has led her to identify as non-binary. I’m positive she subconsciously set up this new identity in order to kind of separate herself from herself during that time of trauma. Hope that makes sense.

I can’t see how being non-binary would stop men acting in a shit way towards your DD. They look and see a woman. If they’re idiots and are going to be annoying, they’re not going to stop because a woman says their pronouns are they/them. You could also tell her that when other people do shit things that’s on them. We don’t have to change ourselves because of other people’s bad behaviour.

Finally, don’t rule out something connected to her sexuality. I’ve had relationships with women and one of them kept dreaming about being a man - not in a trans way, or an unhappy way, but in a kind of daydreaming way about how our relationship would be perceived if we looked like a straight couple. Likewise, when I was in my teens years ago and realising I liked girls sexually, I went through a phase of dressing ‘like a boy’. I can’t really explain why, but looking back it was subconsciously connected to my sexuality and the way society was set up around heterosexuality. Also, some of it came from the realisation that women were treated worse/differently and had different expectations placed on them.

Yes, I think these may all be factors. Thanks for sharing your experiences about this. It's very helpful. I think I understand what might be behind what she's feeling better. We'll definitely have conversations about this. She also has an excellent clinical psychologist she sees regularly.

I stated from the outset that I was asking what people think about the approach I'm taking. That doesn't mean I have to change my mind because some people think it's the wrong decision, does it?
I still value and appreciate the input, whether people agree with what I've decided or not, and I'm thinking about all of it.

But I assume you took your daughter to the dentist's when she was younger? I respect your choice on the pronouns issue, but I don't agree that a parent's role is to make their children feel comfortable - at least, that's only part of a parent's role, and we have to decide when it applies.

I have an adult GC in this situation - I am always forgetting to use they. We laugh about it - they know I love them.

If you don't already, have a look at the podcast Gender: a Wider Lens, supported by Genspect. It's focused on helping parents of gender-questioning children, and is made by 2 psychotherapists who've become specialists in gender issues, Stella O'Malley & Sasha Ayad. They are excellent, and offer really good productive advice and discussion.

I found their podcasts really useful for helping me think through & cope with a young relative completely transitioning (that is still horrible, but I have some perspective on it now).

Thank you so much.
I'll check it out.
So did your relative transition completely?

I don't think my daughter has any interest in transitioning. She has said she would never want to be a man.

The joking about it is a great idea. I'll turn it into a running gag about being old.

I mean comfortable being with me. Obviously I have no control over her comfort level in other situations. I can only control what I do.

I really don't understand why someone would feel 'uncomfortable' when referred to by their actual gender.

My brother is dating a 'non binary' & constantly corrects me as I simply forget, to me he is dating a female. That is my reality because she is a female. She has a vagina and has done since birth. I assume they are sleeping together in a way a male and female would, so naturally his partner is identifying themselves as the correct gender in that respect.

The whole thing is ridiculous, I don't care if I get absolutely battered for this either.

To think someone could actually be offended by someone using their fucking eyes to determine what sex they clearly are.

It's like changing your name and expecting everyone to remember your new name & if they don't then it's really 'insulting & uncomfortable'. Pfffft.

Say what you want to say, my opinion won't change.

Yeah, I get where you're coming from. I don't understand it either, but then again I don't absolutely have to understand as it's not my choice what people call themselves.

I don't think my daughter has any interest in transitioning. She has said she would never want to be a man.

I dont want to be doom and gloom, but my brother said the same about transitioning, lo and behold he now identifies as a woman and is taking cross-sex hormones. Maybe your daughter really doesn't want to take this further, but please be aware that this is also part of the script that people learn in online trans forums, to start with NB and then when their family is used to that, switch to opposite sex pronouns. You have said you are close, but so was my brother and mum (he was living with her at the time) and it still happened. If she is going to stick with NB, in her 30s she should be able to explain why NB reflects her identity. That she cannot explain this suggests that she has an ulterior motive. You may want to check she isn't already looking at medicalising, choosing a new name.

It's really tricky and if she is determined, you won't be able to change her mind, but make it clear this impacts on you, you will never not know her as your daughter, find out what is going on in her life that she sees this as the solution, that if she does decide to medicalise, the evidence for treatment is very poor quality and female bodies do not cope well with male levels of testosterone, and maybe find a good counsellor (not one who is 'affirmation only' in their approach). Get out into nature as much as possible, away from screens and the online parallel lives. Part of being her mum is to protect her from harm. Good luck, OP.

You are welcome x
We get those slightly crazed and hateful comments in the early hours often and as an early riser I like to challenge before Mumsnet gets up and deletes them.
As someone who has been where you are now I'd say keep talking, explain your reservations, but go slowly with that, drip feed it and change the subject if she starts to argue, never tell her you think she's wrong or try to push a point (it puts the barriers up)
Explain that she has been "she" to you since she was born and getting out of that habit is difficult, you'll try, but it will take practice. It sounds like your relationship is quite close so hopefully she will understand that this is quite a big change for you as well as for her.
I've found that there are occasions when they/them work fine and it's not a big deal, so I'm making an effort! I even correct their siblings occasionally (twaw kids who accidentally misgender their own they them!) I've also pointed out that there are times when they wouldn't want me to out them, if I see an old teacher of theirs for example. So we muddle along ok, it's been a few years now and I'm just happy that they haven't gone further and we still have a good relationship.

Was supposed to be a reply to your comment op, but the quote has gone.

Well, not completely - I shouldn't have used that word, because we none of us can change sex. But my young relative seems happier presenting physically as the other sex.

The fact that invasive surgery & experimental drugs are involved, and likely will shorten their life (liver cancer, for example), is still bloody awful.

And the thing that make me quite angry more generally is that young women resorting to transitioning or saying they're non-binary, is a total cop out from trying to make the world a better place for girls & women. Us feminists have been trying to do that for a couple of centuries, and it's slow sometimes tough work, but it's important.

It's such a total cop out to say "Oh the world is terrible for women so I'll present as a man."

It’s more than a cop out. A woman saying she’s ‘non-binary’ is implying she’s ‘not like other women’ - ie other women are all in thrall to gender stereotypes.

In fact, it’s the other way around. Most women (she/hers, if you will) think stereotypes are ridiculous. It’s the they/thems who are worshipping stereotypes because they’re judging themselves by them.

So, OP, although your DD says it’s not about stereotypes, it always is. It’s just a trendy version of the old ‘not like other girls’. Please emphasise to her that she doesn’t have to be feminine, straight, like make up/cooking/other supposed womany things, have long hair, wear dresses, etc etc. More than that, I’d take into account the advice from a PP that this ‘non-binary’ crap (and yes, I think it’s crap) might be the start of a more serious path, with your DD persuaded and brainwashed towards serious actions and medication.

The question that I would want to ask - and I am not sure if I would ask it of my own daughter if I had one, and I haven't asked my own DC a similar question but it's the discussion that I would like to have if I could - is "Are you ashamed of being a woman?"

Oh good then I can ask you the same question - are you ashamed of being a woman?

It’s more than a cop out. A woman saying she’s ‘non-binary’ is implying she’s ‘not like other women’ - ie other women are all in thrall to gender stereotypes.

Absolutely - "I'm speshul." The young women I know who claim to be "non-binary" actually have deep mental illness issues ...

Many including my DD identify as NB after trauma related to misogyny, so identifying out rather than into a category