ASD son & GenderGP - Help needed

[SisterSupport]

My DS (19, ASD & ADHD) has made an appointment with GenderGP because he wants HRT.

What can we say to help him change his mind please or at least help him to question and properly think about whether this is really for him? What do we and he need to be aware of please, either with the organisation or with the medical side of things? Does HRT affect fertility or stop orgasms? How long would he need to be taking HRT before it wouldn't be possible to reverse some of the changes? Would the medication be from a UK based pharmacy (regulated) or from overseas (unregulated). Would his GP have any input into this? Would he need to freeze his sperm?

We're so out of our depth and scared that he'll be pushed along so fast once he has this appointment. He lives away at uni and will be home for Easter shortly (but after his appointment).

Also, although he decided 2+ years ago that he's trans and has since unofficially changed his name, he's done nothing to particularly feminise his appearance. He doesn't even shave regularly and still has hairy legs!! It seems such a giant leap to go from that to HRT (although he is stressed about uni work currently so I can understand him deep-diving into one of his special interests instead).

What a mess.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/about_us/

You may find help at the Bayswater Support group, which is for parents of children and young adults in just your situation.

Thank you so much for this @unwashedanddazed ❤️

OP, what a difficult situation for you.

GenderGP are not well thought of among trans identifying people. Very few NHS GPs will work with them.

Are you able to talk openly to your DS?

No, he doesn't know we know he's made the appointment and I don't know how to broach the subject with him.

Why aren't GenderGP well thought of among trans identifying people do you know please?

Seconding this advice

Thanks @HydraDominatus

My first thought is has he got the cash? It's on going treatment and appointments, his GP may well not prescribe so he'll have to pay for those as well.

So sorry you’re in this situation op. My daughter is currently trans identified but fortunately she’s only 13 so can’t do anything. I have a meeting with https://ourduty.group/ tomorrow to get support from other parents in our situation, you might find them helpful for you too.

Here is a recent article about Gender GP (but there are more)

Have a read then ask yourself if they sound reputable

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2024/02/28/gps-transgender-clinic-urgent-safety-warning-nhs/

From what I gather GenderGP are seen as unethical money grabbers taking advantage of vulnerable people. Which would be about my assessment, too.

Sit him down and have a frank conversation.

Tell him the realities. That nobody in the general public will see him as a woman. That he will never have a womb or the ability to carry children. That he will always be chasing something unattainable.

Is he gay?

There’s a podcast about the Tavistock GIDS clinic and the last episode is all about Gender GP. It was reasonably balanced about the Tavistock, presenting strengths and difficulties of the service, and what led to it’s expansion and closure. But the one about gender GP is rather damming. Long shot, but would he be interested in listening to it?

Yes, I think he has unfortunately. He's already paid £65 for the initial "Information Gathering Session". As my sister said though, it's better than going into debt over it, which could be the alternative.

Thank you so much for all the links, comments and advice. I'm off to work now but will read through properly later.

If it's one of his special interests, I'd let him focus on it. By that, I mean ask him to plan out exactly what he's planning to do to achieve his transition. Ask him to write up a timeline plan, the names of the drugs, surgical recovery times, costs, the pros and cons of each step, etc.

Be genuinely interested in his journey of discovery; let him tell you about what he's found out, and ask for clarification on further areas. For example, finding out the success rates and side effects of medication/surgery, what a poor outcome would be, and whether that's an acceptable risk. Check his sources for credibility. Ask how his university career will be impacted. Give him time to go and investigate for himself and write it all into a master plan.

I'd then be asking at which point in the process he will have considered himself successfully transitioned, and does it rely on everyone else agreeing? (They won't - there's zero chance that everyone will ever 100% agree on anything!) The answer might also give some clues as to his underlying motivations and whether he's actually thought much beyond HRT being sold as some kind of miracle.

Once it's set out in black and white, you can clarify whether he really wants to spend £££££ on making himself infertile. (Not to mention being potentially incontinent and dealing with lifelong pain, as well as potentially shrinking his dating pool down to a puddle.) You could also compare what else that £££££ might be spent on.

If the special interest hasn't shifted, and he still wants to proceed after all that... Well, he's an adult and you can't stop him. But hopefully he won't be going into it completely naïve, at least!

Yesterday I watched Stella O'Malley and Sasha Ayad's Detransition Awareness Day discussion with a 22(?) year old, gay, autistic man called Scarlet who was put on the drug-based male to female medical pathway at a very young age and is now trying to work out who he is and what he wants. Although his story is a childhood as well as young adult story, there might be parts that are useful to you or your son.

Scarlet's accepting of any pronouns used by others towards him, wants to keep his chosen name of Scarlet, and presents as androgynous. He comes across as a lovely person, so sensitive and self-aware. At the time of the interview, he's come off medication to see what happens and towards the end talks about 'letting nature do its thing'. The whole discussion is very gentle and non-judgemental.

His supportive mother and he struggled a lot to get answers to the effects drugs might have on his body as he grew up. Lots of what he says was familiar from other detransitioners but there were things that I hadn't heard expressed before, like the the fact that with a different body, he didn't attract men of his own age who were into standard gay male relationships but that he now found himself, as a male with breasts, in a place where he'd become attractive to older men who were into 'unusual' body types. He talks about the trans overlap with AGP and fetishism from others - he's clear that he isn't AGP. He also discusses some side effects of hormones such as having to deal with pain from muscle spasms, UTIs and hot flushes which haven't gone away even though he's stopped taking the drugs. Lots of food for thought. It's just a bit different because he's not going from male to female to male in a stereotyped way but from male to female to something else. I was left thinking about how he could he have got from male to 'something else' in a different way that avoided the drugs.
https://www.widerlenspod.com/p/episode-154

little miss viper this sounds like such a good idea. I think it’s worth not reacting or going in all guns blazing with how apalling tesetosterone etc is, but being non comittal with your opinions and doing as little miss says seems like a great idea.
i was told the same by our daughter, and when i just said,’oh that’s interesting etc, she kept talking. As soon as i panicked and tried to explain the dangers she cut me off.
so don’t do what i did.
I think the idea of being like a beautiful person on you tube isn’t thought through as a goal with milestones and benefits, rather it’s encouraged in a piecemeal ‘try this, not trans enough, try this..’ and the dream gets ever further away.
bayswater group are also very good.
i think as soon as you let emotion or trying to convince them out of it he will stick his heels in. gentle curiosity.
hugs.

Also may be worth dropping in that ‘you are not rebelling, you are being used to make big pharmer even more profits’
’when it goes out of fashion you’ll be left looking like a mug’ not in so many words!
and yes to the person above - i heard similar from a girl detransitioner, that you don’t fit in . Your own sex don’t feel comfy with you, the sex you are trying to be are the same, so you have shrunk your social group to a very narrow range

£65 is only the start of it.

It's £195 to enrol, £30 a month plus consultations plus bloods plus meds.

There's prices on their website. It will soon add up for him.

This will almost certainly not work. I doubt very much that he will listen. We have told our son (also ASD, ADHD) 'the realities' (in quite graphic terms) but he doesn't care. He just wants to transition.

It worked with my own daughter. I just kept instilling this and removed consent for school to use male pronouns.

Months later she's back to her normal self.

After 3 years of 'being kind' I was truthful and vigilant and it broke the spell.

It worked for you then. It won't work for some others (maybe most).

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5025980-update-on-gender-questioning-daughter?page=1

@SisterMidnight77 this is my thread, under a name change.

I would persevere in doing so though, it may not change the outcome but at least someone would be being truthful to him and you'll know you did your best to warn him of the path he's facing.

It's so difficult, you have my sympathy.

I'm not sure if there's a way of replying without quoting ...

Yes, with him I support the idea that he has some kind of dysphoria but I don't agree with his solutions at all. I want him to wait until he's much older before making any life-altering decisions but he is adamant he can't wait and won't wait.