Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Update on gender questioning daughter.

48 replies

SheSheSheShe · 11/03/2024 10:28

I've posted a few times under different names.

My daughter has always been a tomboy, youngest with 3 older brothers.
Always worn more boyish clothes and been a little whirlwind.

I was exactly the same as a kid. Were so similar it's crazy.

But when she started high school there were several trans teachers and she got sucked into the ideology.

I found out that her best male friend in school, who she visited a few times outside of school was actually a female. I then found out that several her friends were trans or non binary.

This has been over the last few years but nothing really changed at home, she still wore her brothers clothes and had short hair (same as I did at her age)

She's really struggled the last few years, disclosure of trauma, eating disorder, autism diagnosis.

And then in Dec 2023 I was called into school and was told that she had started to use male pronouns and a male name in school without my consent.

All teachers and pupils were referring to her as 'James' (not actual name) and he and had been doing so for months.

I immediately wrote to the school and told them that I was withdrawing consent for them to do this and the only name they should use is the one that was on her registered birth certificate. And they were only permitted to use female pronouns.

I sat down with my daughter and talked to her about why she was feeling this way. It turns out that she did not thinking that she was a boy but she was just confused about puberty her developing body and she didn't like the way she looked in the mirror.

She was struggling becoming a woman and felt that it would be easier to be a boy and she felt more comfortable with short hair and boy clothes and thought that mean she should be a boy!

I felt this all tied in with her recent diagnosis and the troubles that she'd had previously.

I talk to her about being a woman and what that means and the fact that however hard she tried she could never physically become a male. I told her that she would always be chasing a dream something that is physically impossible and she would never feel good enough.
I showed her photos of women that had had gender reassignment surgeries the scars and the end results.

She also said she was attracted to girls, another marker for gender confusion.

I told her that there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a strong masculine gay female just because she was feeling these things didn't mean that she was a boy.

It's been about 3 months since I told school they were not allowed to refer to my daughter as male and in that time she has said that she wants to grow her hair long and dye it blonde, she has started wearing dresses and makeup again and gone out and bought female underwear for the first time in her teenage years, thongs no less 😂

She has bought several feminist publications to read on the meaning of being a woman and growing up as a woman.

She seems 10 times more happier in the last few months than she has been in the four years before and I am going to update school with these changes and tell them how wrong I feel it is for them to do that to a child, to socially transition without a parents knowledge.

My daughter is autistic and always gets obsessions about things, it's now moved on to something else but something much safer and normal.

The trans ideology that she got mixed up with was detrimental to her mental and physical health.

So if there are other parents that are going through this please be aware that there is light at the end of the tunnel, continue to be factual, continue to be supportive, continue to fight your corner and tell your child that there is no such thing as transitioning to a different sex that they are enough as they are.

OP posts:
SidewaysOtter · 11/03/2024 10:32

That sounds really positive! And well done you for having dealt with it so well.

But also...blimey, how many other girls go down this route but don't have someone to get them to see the truth (both the realities of transition and that it's OK not to be straight/a girly-girl)? I look back to how much I hated my female body at puberty and shudder at what could have happened if I'd been born a generation later.

SheSheSheShe · 11/03/2024 10:32

Also I'm very aware that this is not the end of the journey these things eb and flow and I will be keeping an eye on my daughter very closely to make sure that she does not slip back into this ideology that is presented everywhere.

But for now she is back to exploring her femininity her developing womanhood and she seems happier than she has been in any other point of her teenage life.

OP posts:
Wallabyone · 11/03/2024 10:34

Such a relief for you, I'm sure. I don't understand why so many can't see the blindingly obvious.

SheSheSheShe · 11/03/2024 10:34

SidewaysOtter · 11/03/2024 10:32

That sounds really positive! And well done you for having dealt with it so well.

But also...blimey, how many other girls go down this route but don't have someone to get them to see the truth (both the realities of transition and that it's OK not to be straight/a girly-girl)? I look back to how much I hated my female body at puberty and shudder at what could have happened if I'd been born a generation later.

I agree I was exactly the same as her as a teenage girl. I now have been diagnosed with ADHD and I was also bisexual and had an unhappy home life. I had short hair and wore boys clothes and was attracted to several of my female friends I was so confused and I just know that if this ideology would have been presented to me at that age I would have grabbed it with both hands.

But luckily for me the only thing that kids who felt different had those days was being an EMO so I was one of those instead 😂

OP posts:
DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 11/03/2024 10:36

Thank you for sharing this. I'm a little concerned about this as my daughter is a tomboy and is at risk of being swept into the ideology when she hits secondary and gets access to Internet.
Thankfully I've already talked about this topic with her, hope she has understood it's OK to be a non conforming woman. I certainly am, I hope she sees that.

Well done for being supportive and helping her through this to the other side, hope it all goes OK in the future.

MumOfYoungTransAdult · 11/03/2024 10:37

So glad to hear a positive hopeful story! Well done for standing up to the school and for getting through to your DD. May she grow up strong and happy. Flowers

FrysCoffee · 11/03/2024 10:39

Hats off to you, OP. This is excellent parenting. Your daughter will thank you in years to come. Well done for stepping in to correct the school as well. I dread to think how many other poor children are sucked into a dangerous path of drugs, surgery and unhappiness.

SheSheSheShe · 11/03/2024 10:39

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 11/03/2024 10:36

Thank you for sharing this. I'm a little concerned about this as my daughter is a tomboy and is at risk of being swept into the ideology when she hits secondary and gets access to Internet.
Thankfully I've already talked about this topic with her, hope she has understood it's OK to be a non conforming woman. I certainly am, I hope she sees that.

Well done for being supportive and helping her through this to the other side, hope it all goes OK in the future.

You're absolutely right to have started now instilling into her what it means to be a woman and that it doesn't mean being stereotypically feminine.

Try to keep the dialogue open and also ask the high school what their policies are considering the new Guidelines from the Government to not socially transition.

OP posts:
SheSheSheShe · 11/03/2024 10:40

FrysCoffee · 11/03/2024 10:39

Hats off to you, OP. This is excellent parenting. Your daughter will thank you in years to come. Well done for stepping in to correct the school as well. I dread to think how many other poor children are sucked into a dangerous path of drugs, surgery and unhappiness.

Thankyou.
I also had a link to Mermaids removed from the school website as a source of information 🤢

I'm sure they see me as the crazy TERF mum but I don't care.

OP posts:
NitroNine · 11/03/2024 10:42

Better being the crazy TERF mum with a happy daughter than the alternative 🤷‍♀️

FrysCoffee · 11/03/2024 10:47

@SheSheSheShe Great work, Mermaids shouldn't be anywhere near children! (Or anyone, come to that!). TERF mums unite! TERF is absolutely not the slur they think it is 😊

pronounsbundlebundle · 11/03/2024 10:53

Well done OP. I'm so glad your daughter is in a happier place now.

I'm so glad she had you to fight her corner so activist teachers couldn't send her down the pathway to irreversible drugs and surgery.

Appalling the school socially transitioned her without any exploration of co-morbidities or discussion with you. It's such a huge safeguarding failure.

Not only have you helped your daughter, you will have made all the children in that school a little bit safer, not least by getting the Mermaids link removed. The mermaids who were sending out rib-crushing binders to girls without parental knowledge and who had a trustee who'd been to a conference which was pro-paedophilia.

SheSheSheShe · 11/03/2024 10:57

@pronounsbundlebundle

"Appalling the school socially transitioned her without any exploration of co-morbidities or discussion with you. It's such a huge safeguarding failure."

And to top it off they absolutely knew about DDs Autism, eating disorder, trauma and mental health isssues as they helped with her CAHMS referral and provided external counselling.

OP posts:
SnakesAndArrows · 11/03/2024 11:01

It’s alarming (massive understatement) to think what the school did was not defined as “conversion therapy” whereas what you did (i.e. awesome parenting) could be.

Honestly, some people’s brains have fallen out.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 11/03/2024 11:01

What a heartwarming story OP. And it's what we all know. Given permission to think, be, dress as they please, our children (especially daughters) will manage all the natural confusion and bodily discomfort that's an intrinsic part of puberty as the mind and body develop and reconcile.

Hope you don't mind me mentioning but the consultation on gender questioning children is nearly over. Returning schools to places of political impartiality that centre safeguarding and the needs of children rather than the demands of political activist groups is long overdue and this guidance is a positive step along the way:
See this thread if you've time to compete the consultation:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5009817-schools-guidance-consultation-closes-12-of-march-can-we-collate-ideas-for-responding:

Schools Guidance Consultation closes 12 of March - can we collate ideas for responding? | Mumsnet

Hi All, I'm concerned people (including myself!) may lost track of time and forget to respond to the schools guidance. I thought it would be useful t...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5009817-schools-guidance-consultation-closes-12-of-march-can-we-collate-ideas-for-responding

GailBlancheViola · 11/03/2024 11:10

FrysCoffee · 11/03/2024 10:39

Hats off to you, OP. This is excellent parenting. Your daughter will thank you in years to come. Well done for stepping in to correct the school as well. I dread to think how many other poor children are sucked into a dangerous path of drugs, surgery and unhappiness.

This puts it better than I could. I am genuinely pleased to read your update, it must have been so hard for you.

SheSheSheShe · 11/03/2024 11:14

SnakesAndArrows · 11/03/2024 11:01

It’s alarming (massive understatement) to think what the school did was not defined as “conversion therapy” whereas what you did (i.e. awesome parenting) could be.

Honestly, some people’s brains have fallen out.

I agree.

I would have been praised for buying her a binder when she flat out refused to wear anything resembling a bra, even a sports bra. She just wore vests.

And now she has several very feminine, pink and lilac bras she picked out after asking to go for her very first bra fitting.

How can people possibly support gender affirmation in children when in 3 months she's gone from wanting a binder to a push up bra just because the her peers stopped using 'preffered pronouns'

It shows how fickle this whole situation is and that it's heavily socially reliant.

OP posts:
HootyMcBooby · 11/03/2024 11:23

It's the "crazy TERF mums" who save their children from a lifetime of medicalisation, barbaric surgeries and chasing an illusion that can never be real.
Those who pander to this ideology are setting up their kids for a lifetime of never actually being the whole, rounded person they can be and doom them to forever living in a kind of limbo where they are not accepted truly as either sex if they go down the hormones/surgery route.

Well done on being a good Mother. I wish there were more of you when it comes to this terrible abusive ideology and it's impact on vulnerable kids.

And if anyone reading this story still doesn't believe in social contagion, your head is firmly in the sand.

SheSheSheShe · 11/03/2024 11:32

HootyMcBooby · 11/03/2024 11:23

It's the "crazy TERF mums" who save their children from a lifetime of medicalisation, barbaric surgeries and chasing an illusion that can never be real.
Those who pander to this ideology are setting up their kids for a lifetime of never actually being the whole, rounded person they can be and doom them to forever living in a kind of limbo where they are not accepted truly as either sex if they go down the hormones/surgery route.

Well done on being a good Mother. I wish there were more of you when it comes to this terrible abusive ideology and it's impact on vulnerable kids.

And if anyone reading this story still doesn't believe in social contagion, your head is firmly in the sand.

That actually means alot as we have another trans child in the family and because of that everyone was ready to call DD 'he' at the drop of a hat and were very dismissive of me refusing to allow that.
It got quite heated at times and everyone thought I was doing the wrong thing by not instantly affirming her as male.

OP posts:
duc748 · 11/03/2024 11:32

Just lovely to read. Well done Mum, and an inspiration to other parents I'm sure. Nothing wrong with being a tomboy (or a lesbian!), but it's telling how trans-influenced teachers and other figures of authority can trap kids at a vulnerable age.

SheSheSheShe · 11/03/2024 11:35

Yes there's a MtF trans teacher and I think 2 non binary, Mx teachers.

Who I've actually actively avoided at parents evenings because I won't pander to preferred pronouns or made up suffixes.

It's a heavy, heavy influence on kids and the school has a very high rate of gender questioning kids.

Coincidence much?

OP posts:
ArsMamatoria · 11/03/2024 11:37

@SheSheSheShe Your op is so, so similar to our story. DD is through it now, thank goodness.

JackieQueen · 11/03/2024 11:40

What a lovely mum you are! 💐 So good to read such a positive outcome to a potentially heartbreaking situation.

pickledandpuzzled · 11/03/2024 11:40

I wonder whether you should share your experience with the LEA or Offsted? It is a glaring failure of safeguarding.

SheSheSheShe · 11/03/2024 11:45

pickledandpuzzled · 11/03/2024 11:40

I wonder whether you should share your experience with the LEA or Offsted? It is a glaring failure of safeguarding.

I'm considering it. It's such early days within the swing back to femininity.

I'm thinking I may leave it a few months till it's well established that she is over it before I do so.

She still very much looks the same at school, hair is still short though she is growing it, and she still wears the school trousers rather than the skirt so I guess to them there may be no real outward change.

Yet at home she's switched to female underwear, wears makeup. Is buying more feminine tops, crop tops. She still wears alot of combat trousers and baggy shirts but skirts and dresses are making it into the rotation.

OP posts: