Can I ask a charity therapist not to ask my child's pronouns?

[Godzillar]

I'm trying to find a counsellor for my child who has alot of issues that she needs help with. She's been trans influenced at school, who used male pronouns and a name without my permission. I have now put an absolute stop to this.

However when looking for a counsellor one said they have to ask what pronouns they child wants. This counsellor was private but works for the place my daughter is waiting for free counselling.

When we get the call to start her counselling am I able to request they DO NOT use male pronouns the same way I've withdrawn consent for school to?

ooh an excuse to post the penis photo (The unedited version gets deleted by mnhq)

Mermaids employee posted the attached, without the emojis but penises everywhere, on his public Twitter accessible to any child who searched for his name!

If any school head thought that an acceptable organisation to link to after seeing his Twitter post then I think I'd be reporting the head to whoever you report head teachers to!

@thefallen
*I hope the therapist ignores your demands TBH. Therapy is about your child and their needs, not you and yours"

Yes I was thinking that too - surely a therapy session is between the therapist and their parent (as in your child?)
Can't see it being the norm that the mum can come in with a say in what can and can't be discussed, in this case pronouns.

patient, not parent. Stupid autocorrect

Seek a different therapist.

There's a big difference between the child stating pronouns unasked within a session and the therapist asking. If the therapist asks then it's making it all about them and declaring adherence to a particular ideology, which is not professional in a therapy setting.

A parent is fulfilling their legal obligation and parental responsibility to safeguard their child by finding out if any person they will leave their child with is a suitable person before doing so. If the organisation states they'll ask pronouns at the start, it will be about them not the child and they don't have the child's best interests at heart. They are not acting professionally and it is not appropriate, therefore a parent should avoid.

They don't 'have' to ask pronouns, they are choosing to do so. It's the same thing as saying they 'have' to ask if the child is a Christian / believes in God at the start: leading, unprofessional and unneccessary as well as not in the child's best interests.

How old is the child? Are we talking like mid teens or what? OP doesn't say and was just wondering

@pronounsbundlebundle i would find a therapist asking “do you believe in god/a god/have a religious faith?” a perfectly reasonable question. It’s a key fact in someone’s life, same as their family/work situation

The point being made is that the pronoun question might instead be "Do you believe in my religion?"

It's not certain from the information given that the therapist is an adherent to gender identity ideology, but the pronoun question should be a cause for concern.

I’d steer clear of a therapist who asked for pronouns or who used pronouns themselves: big 🚩 for not being neutral on the issue.

@nauticant but in this case, the child has previously used male pronouns and a male name.

For the therapist not to check and use the pronouns and name that the child wants them to use could make it hard for there to be a therapeutic connection. My brother calls himself Bob, every single person in the world (apart from my mum) calls him Bob, if his therapist called him Robert at the start of every session, I doubt he would continue with that therapist, it would be jarring.

Are you serious?

Yes. But apparently only one view is acceptable on this thread, so I’ll leave it there. I have other shit to do.

It requires trivial effort to avoid using a person's third person pronouns in front of them. Any occasional mistake that causes distress can be apologised for. If the question about pronouns is a signal from the therapist about ideological compliance rather than a practical measure then that's cause for concern.

It is not a neutral question though. It is directive and has a "closed" format, ie the answer is only A or B.

A therapist asking for preferred pronouns on first meeting a client is affirming without question that clients assumed identity. This is before any discussion on other mental health issues and without any understanding of any possible co-morbidities. If my dd saw a counsellor today she would likely ask to be referred to as he/him but if she’s seen one a month ago she would be she/her. How could I trust today’s counsellor to try to get to the bottom of whatever has caused my dd to reject her femaleness and be unhappy in her healthy body? Our girls might tell them they’ve always wanted to be boys and always felt uncomfortable and an affirmative counsellor can’t be trusted not to just go along with that even though it isn’t true.
We need to know a counsellor is going to look impartially at ALL the issues our children have and what has caused them to feel the way they feel and and to help our daughters navigate a way to understand where these feelings are coming from so they can deal with them properly, not just agree that yes, your body is wrong, you’ve right to hate it.

The OP says "he's been trans influenced at school, who used male pronouns and a name without my permission. I have now put an absolute stop to this."

I would be very surprised if OP was happy with the therapist using the new name but not the pronouns.

Of course it's reasonable to ask a client about their religious beliefs, and therapists frequently do.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/consciousness-matters/202001/has-your-therapist-asked-about-your-religion-or-spirituality

If the client is gender critical, and a therapist asks their pronouns, they might say "asking me my pronouns is a violation of my beliefs. You should be able to tell how to refer to me in the third person by looking at me." or "I don't do pronouns." It's a very basic question so that when discussing a client, the therapist can respect the client's wishes, including gender crticial people. Then the therapist can respect the client's wishes and start from where the client is.

A therapist doesn't have to have a belief in the literal truth of Genesis to work with a fundamentalist, and the same applies to gender critical clients.

I’ve skim read the article. It’s not very heavyweight and doesn’t say that therapists “frequently” ask their clients about their religious beliefs but suggests that it may be beneficial to do so.

Do you have any other resources to support your claim that therapists frequently do this?

Look for a different therapist OP one who is neutral.
It maybe that the therapist is contractually obliged to ask.
Most therapists never/ nor would ever ask a client how they present/ what religion etc they are because quite simply put when you work with someone in a therapy setting they will tell you, you then work with what is presented.
Therapy is intimate and requires trust, build trust and care first.
If your child wants to bring anything into a session they should not be distracted, directed or scared of speaking to the therapist about what's going on for them.

I appreciate your anxieties around this, but I wouldn't assume that because a counsellor asks about your child's pronouns etc, they are automatically going to affirm them. I manage a CQC registered service and our registration form asks people about pronouns in the optional section. Not because it matters to us, but because it might matter to them.

None of my staff are in the business of converting or affirming anyone, but they do need to build a relationship with the individual.

Instead of focusing on the information requested, could you ask how the therapist approaches gender discomfort in teens? Ask them if they will affirm it, or whether they will explore what makes them think like that. That's what you really need to know.

I withdraw frequently, because I don't have the data to back it up.

But really, that's moving the goal posts! You've certainly swerved from "Are you serious?" when someone suggested it was a reasonable question. Do you still hold that view?

Yes

It's the approaching actively asking for them that indicates bias.

It's the equivalent of 'would you like to pray with me?'

If you're religious you might think oh that's nice. Others however may find that alienating and indicative that this is not a neutral place and you're approaching staff with strong personal beliefs and an agenda in sharing them.