Can I ask a charity therapist not to ask my child's pronouns?

[Godzillar]

I'm trying to find a counsellor for my child who has alot of issues that she needs help with. She's been trans influenced at school, who used male pronouns and a name without my permission. I have now put an absolute stop to this.

However when looking for a counsellor one said they have to ask what pronouns they child wants. This counsellor was private but works for the place my daughter is waiting for free counselling.

When we get the call to start her counselling am I able to request they DO NOT use male pronouns the same way I've withdrawn consent for school to?

Also I've seen on my daughters school website they have the link to MERMAIDS.

How do I go about letting them know what a shit show mermaids is and asking them to remove it??

You can request, why not? They might say they can't meet your dad's needs unless they do, and refuse to see her.

Im always amazed when organisations recommend Mermaids, but again I think if I were them I'd just say I didn't think I was in the right organisation for you or your dd.

Oh sorry, I see the Mermaids thing is
about the school.

I'd write to the governors.

Transgender Trend have a schools page https://www.transgendertrend.com/schools-resources/

And I just listened to Benjamin Boyce today and his guest had some great techniques for at home (after the halfway point). She was a very interesting woman.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OTc-NFquFqk&pp=ygUOYmVuamFtaW4gYm95Y2U%3D

You think her school isn't the right organisation for her?

I know that the government has pulled away from Mermaids I'm trying to write something that says the school shouldn't really be linking from their own website to mermaids as it's not recommended anymore sort of thing?

This has good links https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4947693-help-me-write-a-letter-please

This thread is confusing because you're wanting 2 very different things about 2 very different organisations from 1 thread.
The PP saying it wasn't the right organisation for you was presumably talking about what seemed to be the main issue in your OP which was the therapist at the therapy organisation.
But every update is about DD's school??
I think you need to work out what you want from this thread and ask about that one thing to avoid confusion or getting bad advice or posters trying to help but talking at cross purposes with what you actually need help with at this moment.

Re the school: In addition to Transgender Trend, Safe Schools Alliance have a range of resources:
https://safeschoolsallianceuk.net/schools-resources-and-policies/
I'd also be asking why they're recommending a child sex change charity in the midst of a Charity Commission investigation about employing adults involved / interested in paedophilia and porn?

Re the therapist - you need to insist that the therapist must not involve your child in the therapist's own preoccupations with pronouns. You could send her these articles written by a clinical psychologist:
https://www.transgendertrend.com/childhood-social-transition/

https://www.transgendertrend.com/teenager-says-theyre-transgender/

I would not take my child to that therapist. If that therapist is fixated on asking the child's pronouns, they are likely to be trans-affirming.

My DD was offered free counselling (which she needs) and in my prior phone call I asked that they focus on her mental health need (ASD, anxiety, depression, violent father etc) rather than the fact that she's (very much on the fringes now) of gender woo. I phrased it more tactfully and more constructively than that (because obviously if you want your kids treated for their actual mental health needs you're a right wing bigot). The counselling organisation never again replied to any of my phone calls or emails. Tbf I'd far rather that happened than crazy ideologues persuade a vulnerable teenager into irreversible medical treatment but it's interesting that even the mildest of objections excludes you from participation and excludes your child from assistance.

Therapy is about allowing the patient to express their feelings and understanding of themselves, with the aim of allowing them to explore and come out with a better understanding.

Trying to stop a therapist from simply asking a patient a question is a really bad idea.

You will not help your child understand themselves better by forbidding them from saying the pronouns they want to! Far more likely this will get them to dig their heels in....

Its as inappropriate as asking them what their religion is.

Proactively asking for pronouns in advance states bias. And sees that bias as important to establish before even meeting and beginning a relationship with a service user.

And yes, this implies that any other beliefs will at very best be regarded as subordinate to this bias. It is very different to letting a person raise this themselves in a neutral environment during therapy or make a request.

I'd look for a less politically biased therapist.

Re Mermaids, I’m one of the complainants to the Charity Commission. I could send you my submission if you wanted. DM me an email address if you’d like a copy. It’s full of examples of children enthusiastically recommending GenderGP to each other, Mermaids own (now discontinued) free binder service, how to self medicate etc. No school would signpost to them after they saw it, I wouldn’t think. Unless they are my daughter’s former school, George Watson’s College. They saw nothing wrong with it!

You could try asking the therapist but a) if she works for an organisation where this is policy then she won’t have a choice, and b) you will plant in the therapist’s mind that the trans stuff, her relationship with you, and your view of the trans stuff is the major issue for your daughter.

It’s better to concentrate on finding a therapist you trust, then let your daughter express herself freely. Therapy is unlikely to help her if she feels that she is constrained, or that the therapist is reporting back to you.

The first question will be "what is your name?" and you want the therapist to say "No, I'm not referring to you by that name, because your Mum forbids it." It's not really going to work, is it?

I'd not be using that therapist.

How old is your child?

The school should not be connecting to Mermaids who had a trustee who had links to pro-paedophile organisations and an employee who posted porn online. Neither is appropriate for anyone working for a children's charity. Also, they are incredibly biased in one direction, schools are meant to be politically neutral so unless they also link to Transgender Trend to provide balance and an alternate view then it's biased.

Re: the therapist. Asking for pronouns is like asking what religion you are with only certain approved answers. It's a loaded, biased question. They are in a position of power and should not be imposing their belief system at the very start of the therapy like this. I wouldn't want my child to go to a therapist who has cut off an entire line of discussion as this does.

The therapist will not be using any pronoun other than 'you' to your child during therapy so it is a question that can only be asked in order to state their own political belief and to impose it on to your child at the start. Say your child was considering detransitioning but wasn't sure either way - how could they discuss that with the therapist if a pronouns question was the first thing they asked?

It's like having a therapist who is aligned with a particular religion and particular.beliefs and the therapist stating that at the start so your child feels they can't raise any issues that would conflict with that religion.

It's meant to be about your child not the therapist.

The OP says nothing about preventing the child from stating whatever name they want in therapy, it is wrong-sex pronouns which the OP does not want discussed in therapy - and there are lots of reason for this including that it cuts off truly exploratory discussion and the therapist should only be using 'you' with your child so a discussion of pronouns is quite a clear political statement which is inappropriate at the start of therapy.

I hope the therapist ignores your demands TBH. Therapy is about your child and their needs, not you and yours.

Therapy is intended to work with the person in the therapy.

If your child believes she is trans and you want to ban the therapist from using or discussing male pronouns the therapy is not going to work because the therapist will be working to your instructions of the outcome you want and your child will become aware of that. This is unethical for the therapist - they aren't supposed to take instructions from others to make the client believe certain things.

I understand why you are concerned about the trans issue but therapy is not a situation where you can order what can be said and what can't be.

I am no TRA and I agree with this.

The therapist may use pronouns occasionally in eg visualisations (“go back
to your younger self, what would you say to her/him/them about X”)

For the therapist, it would feel like you saying “my DD thinks she is a lesbian, I don’t want you to talk to her about that” or “my DD believes in god and I don’t, I don’t want you to talk to her about god”

I’ve been looking for therapists for my just adult DD and for issues that have nothing to do with gender or sexuality and noticed that in list of counsellors/therapists at a largish private practice some say they are ‘gender affirming’ or put other hints in their biographies that suggest an affirmative approach while others don’t. I am guessing that the latter are quietly signalling their neutrality and thus ones I would trust to meet my DD where she is at and keep their opinions on gender issues to themselves, which is how I would hope it to be.
Can you try to find a neutral counsellor in similar fashion? It seems to be a thing ie counsellor’s potted biography and specialisms