Help me navigate this - 6 year old DD saying she wants to be a boy

[LittleRedYoshi]

Recently my 6 year old DD has been spending more time playing with the boys in her class. This has now turned into her saying she wants to be a boy. I think it's about wanting to feel more part of the group, rather than anything to do with gender identity, but I tried explaining that and I don't think she's old enough to grasp the difference. She said that she feels like she likes "boy things" more than she likes "girl things" and I've explained that there aren't girl and boy things - anyone can like anything and being a girl doesn't stop her playing with boys or doing "boy things" (but if we were going to bring gender stereotypes into this, her interests are unicorns, Frozen, dresses, etc!) I think she does at least get that sex is immutable from past conversations we've had.

Not sure whether there's anything else I should be saying or doing or just take it with a pinch of salt and assume it will soon pass. I guess my worry is the risk of this proliferating in a way it wouldn't have done years ago due to modern-day wokeness; when I don't think she actually does want to be a boy!

I wouldn’t worry it’s just a phase, and it’s good you’re explaining that there’s not really any such thing as ‘girl’ or ‘boy’ things. I’d keep an eye on what she’s reading / being taught at school.

that’s nice when you’re an adult maybe you can
Jesus.

Don't tell her this, op

Possibly too young but I'd be tempted to have a conversation about sex inequality.

First probe a bit about where these ideas are coming from (if it's school PSHE content address it at the school. - lots of schools outsourcing this stuff to companies who push gender ideology and 'boys things and girls things'.

But if it's because she wants for her life things she is observing men get but women don't then you need to explain you can't change sex but you can stand up for equality. Then tell her what feminism is.

My kids have a trans friend. It's really confused and upset my 7 year old but my 8 year old was jealous of the attention and jealous this 'was a girl now a boy' was getting things boys can have but the girls don't (our example was that girls got told off for being mean but the boys got a throw away comment of 'boys be kind' when they were mean TO THE GIRLS). I explained boys should not be getting away with such behaviour at all, girls can't become boys to get away with the same stuff because they can't change sex. Why do you want to be mean anyway? Turns out she doesn't want to be mean she wants them to stop being mean to her. So I had to explain sex inequality exists but is not acceptable if they get told 'be kind and keep doing it come to me because I will speak to the grown ups and make sure it stops or I won't take her back there if that's what she wants.

I remember wanting to be a boy at that age. Because my brother was allowed out alone but I wasn't. He got more and better hobbies rainbows was shit. Boys lifting girls skirts and laughing about it. My dad working but out every night while my mum did everything in the house and taught me chores brother NEVER expected to do. I'm kinda bitter about my childhood and am watching my dd experience the inequality so young.

It may just be a case your kid has learnt toys and activities are gendered and you can correct that. But ask some more questions it may be she's wanting to identify out of inequality while not knowing what inequality is

If you have repeated word for word OP then there is a critical difference in dd saying she wants to be a boy rather than she is a boy.

Wanting to be something we are not is entirely normal exploratory development process, as opposed to a sense of 'I am a boy' is a potential deeper level of incongruence.

You've said all the right things. and there's nothing wrong with being clearer if you want to.... if she said she wanted to be a mermaid what would to say? Because the context is the same.

"I know you want to be a mermaid sweetheart but don't have a tail you have legs"

" I know you want to be a boy sweetheart but you dont have a penis you have a vulva" or whatever language you use to describe the physical difference between boys and girls.

Followed up with. But you can still play with those toys though? And you can still
Play with your friends who are boys. You don't have to be a boy to do those things, do you? Girls can do it too.

Try not to worry. I wanted to be a boy when I was six- my best friend at infant school was a boy and we used to play with soldier action-men together, and I played football with the boys at break time.

My parents, I guess just kind of shrugged, and for a couple of years I had a short back and sides haircut and answered to the name David. I don't remember my parents commenting on it at all, either positively or negatively.

I grew out of it after a couple of years, and am now a very average, middle aged, heterosexual woman.

It didn’t have to be anybody. I wanted to be a boy 50 years ago. I just thought their clothes were comfier and most of my friends were boys.
I grew out of wanting to be one. I realised that as a girl, I could still do all the things my friends could.

I think it's not just about playing so-called "boys" things, it's about being treated as "one of the boys" by the actual boys. i remember disliking being treated as a girl ie not very aggressive by the boys and as someone who doesn't like dolls ie weird by the girls. if the boys are nice, they will accept her, and hopefully then she'll be happy she can be a girl and do everything she enjoys. just tell her people are people and everyone is different and likes different things. Being who she is is the most wonderful gift she can give to this world.

I always wanted to be a boy when I was around that age too They seemed to have so much more fun

Just ask why ...it might be cause she wants to play football with her friends etc so let her no need to make a big deal out of it

Get your DD as varied group of friends as possible by doing lots of our of school things. If one group gets sucked in by gender madness, the others should counter balance it.

I would involve her in girls' sports outside of school. See if you can find a girls football or basketball team.

In addition I would involve her in activities that don't get split on gender lines but give her a sense of competence. Sea cadets, we have a great junior canoe club here that looks very balanced in how they treat children, St John's ambulance etc...

In addition, think about what you can involve yourself in even if way out of your comfort zone. Give her a model of you doing the sort of stuff she looks up to. Even better if you can involve her but just doing it will give her a broader view of womanhood/girlhood.

You’re doing the right things already but I would be very vigilant about what she is hearing at school, from media etc - these messages can sometimes be very subtle. Particularly in children’s books and programmes I’ve noticed a constant pushing ‘follow your heart’ and ‘be your true self’ which sounds innocuous but when the context sometimes makes me feel like I know what they are driving at. Also going on and on about how men have always had the power and privilege etc can sometimes backfire IMO and give a girl a chip on her shoulder about being female. I protect my daughters from aggressive, masculine-feeling feminism almost as much as I do from trans ideology.

At her age so much of it will be feeling that there are things she wants that 'aren't for her' and she needs information that she can do and be anything she wants, and that being a girl doesn't limit that.

Films like Fast Girls and Keira Knightley sailing pirate ships and the UK women's football team etc may help, the film/story diet for under tens girls is all a bit tedious if you're not into Elsa dresses and snowmen.

There is a huge difference between "wants to be a boy" and "is a boy." Loads of girls who are not trans, for very good reasons, want to be boys.

If you teach her that gender expression (how you behave and how you look) is not the same thing as gender identity (how you feel inside) you will allow her to be herself. She can play with stereotypically boy things, wear boy clothes because she wants to, not because she's a boy.

Gender non-conforming children do those things to some extent because that's what children with their gender identity typically do. It's a subtle disctinction.

Don't make a big deal of it. It's best not to drop the whole GC sledgehammer on her, in part because she might turn out to be trans.

My DS (now 9) has periods of telling me he wishes he were a girl or feels more like a girl. He is largely friends with girls and prefers activities more associated with girls than boys. He wears his hair long and quite likes it when he is mistaken for a girl.

I don't make a big deal of it. It does concern me that as he'll get older people might try to impose a trans identity on him (I'm competely OK with the idea he might arrive there by himself, my concern is more he'll get persuaded that being gender non-conforming and being trans are the same thing).

For now I simply emphasise the fact that there's no 'boy things' and 'girl things' - and frankly I think it's important to do this anyway - I probably spend more time emphasising it to my very gender-conforming other DS! I've occasionally gently steered him away from overtly 'girly' clothes in shops - he does have some clothes from girls sections and I've never told him he can't wear something - but if he picks something up that's covered in pink flowers I might say "oh that's nice yes, but oooh look at this rainbow striped top, how about this one?". It annoys me that I can't find it in me to say "lovely, let's take the pink floral top!" but I also worry about him being picked on at school, and so far I've never actually said "no" to anything.

Generally I just accept him how he is and tell him how much I love him.

There is no "GC sledgehammer". No need to discuss the invented concept of a gender identity, just a gentle refocus on the simple facts of human (and indeed mammalian) biology. With a straightforward side order of dress how you like, do whatever activities you enjoy and reject sexist stereotypes whenever you encounter them.

My niece always wanted to be a boy from the age of 2. My sil assured her she could have her hair how she wanted, wear whatever clothes she wanted and play with any toys she wanted. Niece would insist on being the dad in make believe games, have a boy avatar on games, refuse anything remotely ‘girly’, was best friends with boys. She used to try and wee standing up like a boy. She’s 12 now. She’s grown her hair and carefully styles it, she mostly wears trousers but did wear a dress to her Christmas party, loves sleepovers with the girls in her class and seems to do a proper mix of stereotypical girl and boy things. Which I think is ideal. She doesn’t talk about wanting to be a boy anymore. I think she’s accepted who she is and is happy with it. I hope so anyway because she’s a fabulous little human

YMMV. One person's 'sledgehammer' is another person's protecting of a child to be able to reach adulthood with an intact, healthy body, a brain that's had time to mature, and all their options still in front of them. And we don't all share the belief that some girls are boys and vice versa. Whatever your faith, the hard reality is that however much a child may sincerely believe that they have an opposite sexed soul or brain in the wrong body, they are in that body for the rest of their lives, and mental health lies in learning to cope with that, the same way I cannot identify out of my crippled body into a healthy one and just have to learn to live with and appreciate my physical reality.

This is a very little child, the pressures and confusions heaped upon children at this time are enormous. I agree that not making a big deal of it and helping notice that girls can be strong, powerful, say no, make choices, wear and do what they choose, and be as equal as boys are is probably what will help most.

I wanted to be a boy because their bikes were better and their clothes softer and less fussy (in the 70s).

My mum just said, ‘You can be a tomboy then’.

There were lots of tomboys in books who I identified with too.

Life was much simpler then.

I don't normally agree with people on here these days, but you're doing the right thing. I have a football loving (and frozen obsessed) 6 year old myself. Fortunately, we are strong on the no girl/boy things at home.
However, there is a lot of this in the age group. A lot of the girls in her class won't play football because it's for boys and her older brother (8) was called a girl for wearing eyeliner as part of his Egyptian day costume.
I would speak to the class teacher if possible because they should be coming down hard on this. There are no girl/boy things or subjects.
There is no reason for any of this to be equated to being trans by anyone. They're not the same thing (not the thread for it - just mentioning so there's no worry about school going down that route).
Good luck.

I have a gender non conforming l neurodiverse 9 yo. We have this as an in going conversation. She had periods of assuming she was actually a boy because she liked Minecraft and was indifferent to unicorns.

She now really clearly sees just how ridiculous the idea of boy things and girl things are. Last week she told the assistant in Next that the sign was wrong. They weren't boys' clothes, they were just clothes.

Have you thought about finding her some extracurricular activities OP? My youngest daughter was always a tomboy, and didn’t have the easiest time fitting in with other girls at school. Fortunately this was before they started transing little girls like her! But I found a girls football club and she made lots of nice friends there.

Yup, just leave it at that. It's very common and just reflects their developmental understanding. I wanted to be a boy - in fact I argued strongly to my mum that I WAS a boy - for several years beginning around that age. I only got over it when I started to feel interested in boys more romantically, and then it seemed obvious to me that if I wanted to marry one I had to be a girl. (That might not work these days as a thought process.) I guess the main worry is always if someone else, like at school, picks up on it. I think there is less worry about that now though, at least in the UK there is some recourse to guidance and the Cass report findings.