Help me navigate this - 6 year old DD saying she wants to be a boy

[LittleRedYoshi]

Recently my 6 year old DD has been spending more time playing with the boys in her class. This has now turned into her saying she wants to be a boy. I think it's about wanting to feel more part of the group, rather than anything to do with gender identity, but I tried explaining that and I don't think she's old enough to grasp the difference. She said that she feels like she likes "boy things" more than she likes "girl things" and I've explained that there aren't girl and boy things - anyone can like anything and being a girl doesn't stop her playing with boys or doing "boy things" (but if we were going to bring gender stereotypes into this, her interests are unicorns, Frozen, dresses, etc!) I think she does at least get that sex is immutable from past conversations we've had.

Not sure whether there's anything else I should be saying or doing or just take it with a pinch of salt and assume it will soon pass. I guess my worry is the risk of this proliferating in a way it wouldn't have done years ago due to modern-day wokeness; when I don't think she actually does want to be a boy!

And I want to be the Queen of England but I can't.

That's life kiddo.

You've explained that anyone can like anything, and there is no such thing as 'boy things' - spot on, and I would leave it there

Maybe find books and films that show girls doing things that are active/not sterotypically feminine. Maybe encourage her towards sports/hobbies which are not conventionally 'girly'.

Again if there are any girls around - locally, at school etc - who are being raised in a way that doesn't conform to stereotypes - you could try to encourage friendships there.

I wanted to be a boy at the same age, thanks to "boys things" being my interests too. As long as there's nobody pushing her down the social transition route, I'd carry on as you are; repeating that girls can like anything they want to like.

Also, you are allowed to WANT to be a boy, but it's never going to become a reality. You can remind her how cool girls can be; the stuff she's into now, see if you can find some female role models in those areas? There's certainly some amazing female skateboarders, drummers, natural history buffs, astronomers... all the traditional "boys interests".

It's just a phase and I would treat it really light-heartedly with the firm undercurrent that she's great how she is.

Excellent advice early on OP ... as you were

Is someone ar school telling her there are boy things and girl things? And that she shouldn't play with xyz because she isn't a boy. Can you give her a set of words she can comfortably say back to them?

I have the opposite issue, my almost 6 year old keeps saying he is a girl

The best things is to just ride it out, I think it's a phase, just a long one that has spanned over a year for us.

I think you're doing fine, OP. So long as there aren't any zealots at school who are going to leap on it, and generally most teachers are pretty relaxed about young children having imaginative escapades and fantasy play.

I slightly disagree. If your daughter has already settled on the idea of “boy things” and “girl things”, then you might make more of an impression by explaining how girls can like boy things and boys can like girl things, and find some real life examples/movies etc of girls doing the kind of fun stuff she’s into.

As a kid under 10yrs I wanted to be a boy because it meant I could be Batman or Robin and pee standing up. Of course I didn’t actually want to be a boy, but with today’s agenda and pressure I bet that’s what girls can become convinced of.

Also wanted to be a boy at that age as I was interested in running and climbing trees and thought Barbies were boring. I loved the Famous Five and strongly identified with George!

I think it’s really common for young children to go through this and you’ve said all the right things.

(Fwiw I love being a (heterosexual) woman, though am still not overly feminine).

I'm just gonna 👏👏 for everyone tbh. I expected this to be different reading from what it has been. My dd had a phase like this even said she felt like an actual boy and wished she could be one for the same reasons. She now takes pride in being a girl smashing boys at video games and dodgeball.

I wanted to be a boy at a similar age because I wanted to play football and climb trees and be an explorer when I grew up.

Get her into activities that match her interests if you can. Part of what drove me was that I wasn't allowed to play football etc etc.

Totally agree with other posters, I think you’ve done exactly what you should have done and just leave it at that! My little sister is 22 now and up until the age of 10/11, she would also have said she wanted to be a boy. She was never interested in dolls, princesses, dresses etc, she was obsessed with Ben 10 and cars! As a result all of her school friends were boys because they were the people who shared her interests, so when she was saying she “wanted to be a boy”, what she was ultimately saying is “I want to be like my friends”, which is quite a normal thing for a young child to want.

I would just keep exactly as you are, that there are no boys/girls things, and just continue having the conversations in an age appropriate way. It’s natural to worry and read into that comment because of the way the world is/can be now, but actually it doesn’t always mean what you think it may mean, and certainly not at 6 years old. I honestly wouldn’t worry x

Just tell her she can’t become a boy? Not much else too it

This was my daughter who wore boys clothes etc from the age of 5 to 14, she has just started wearing girls cut jeans and jumpers.

Be strong on you can wear want you want, do what you want, have friends who are all boys, play boys sport, climb trees and so on while being a girl.

Check the school position on whether gender is talked as fact and make sure you teach her the truth and let her get on with it.

This is not uncommon, wearing skirts/ dresses/ tights at school is restrictive.

the idea to give her some words to say is a good one. I remember it was around this age when my children started to be told by their peers that they couldn’t do X because “you’re a girl/boy”. It’s hard to be shut out of fun stuff by your friends. My daughter replied with “it must be a girl thing because I’m doing it”

I had this with my 7 year old, I knew it was coming. She only has boys in her class and desperately wanted to fit in. And trans is in the ether so she knew it was a thing.

I told her she could never be a boy, but becoming a transboy was a option. This would involve her dressing like a boy and taking a boy's name. I told her some people take it further and take injections to look like the opposite sex. I told her some girls even have an operation to remove their boobies to look more like a boy. She then asked would that mean 'Sam' would have to cut his willy off if he wanted to be a girl. I told her he wouldn't have to, but that's what some trans people do to try and be more like the opposite sex. Haven't heard a word about it since. She's now 9 and happy as.

The poet Rachel Rooney has a lovely rhyming picture book aimed at young children that might help.

www.transgendertrend.com/product/my-body-is-me/

Maybe see if she can take up girls' football, or join scouts?
Also I would be checking to make sure she wasn't being indoctrinated at school, you could ask to see the materials if they've had any PSHE lessons covering the issue.

My daughter was a boy from 4-6. She decided it was all change back again when she had to do a talk to her class about herself and I said to her it would be helpful for her to tell her friends she was a boy. She came home that night declaring she wanted her bedroom painted back to pink, full new girls wardrobe and toys and she was in fact a girl again. Id just play along at this stage, it'll likely pass. She's a 12 year old skater girl now. Still has all boy friends but is most certainly all girl. Bit of a tomboy.

I hung around with boys at school and insisted on wearing clothes and shoes that boys would wear. I knew very early on that I was more of a tomboy.
But that’s all I was, and still am.
Explain to your daughter that’s it perfectly fine to be more of a tomboy and it doesn’t mean she is a boy, just a less girly girl at this moment in time.

You are handling it very well I think. Keeping it light. She sounds great bless her.

I've read (probably here!) that children know from early on what sex they - and everyone else - are; but it's not until the age of about seven that they realise their sex won't change, and will remain the same in adulthood (I can actually remember this from my own childhood).

It's at about the same time that boys and girls start to play separately.

So maybe your DD is intuiting this and mourning a possible coming separation from her male friends. Can you help her to carry on playing with them, maybe outside school if the playground culture is unhelpful?

And of course big up how much better to be a woman than man ha ha!

Yas to your DD!

Some excellent advice already but I wonder if you have any awesome gender non conforming female friends who could be positive role models for your daughter. Or could you take her to watch a women's event in a traditionally male activity, so she can see them being women and being bloody amazing whilst doing"boy things". I hate that phrase so much I want barf if I read it