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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

10 year old non binary friend

34 replies

shebathequeenof · 13/11/2023 12:32

My dd is 10. My daughter now has a friend who has declared they're non binary - much to their parents delight. This child now wears about a billion rainbows and badges with they/ them, and is obsessed with insisting spider man has a boyfriend and told my daughter Ken as in barbie and Ken has a boyfriend 🙈

My daughter has decided they no longer want to be friends with this child as they find the whole thing extremely confusing and overwhelming and is sick of the child running off to tell tales to the teacher or her mum if my child refers to her as 'she' and not 'them'.

Why is this happening? Any advice on how to handle this? I feel like I'm on another planet where wrong is right. My daughter is being told the truth by me - you can't change sex and non binary isn't real - and she's being told off for this. This girl doesn't have many friends at school and up until this crap started sat with my daughter for lunch everyday and played together too at school so hard to just drop her!

OP posts:
Shishh · 13/11/2023 12:34

Keep telling your child the truth and extinguish the friendship.

elephantandorchid · 13/11/2023 12:40

It sounds as though the relationship is cooling. I'd encourage your DD to develop friendships with other children.

ErrolTheDragon · 13/11/2023 12:41

What a shame the parents are encouraging this silliness.

Though there's nothing wrong with this girl's spider man and Ken being gay, of course.

chattyness · 13/11/2023 12:47

Tell your daughter the best thing to do is to distance herself from that child as much as she can, b) If she has to speak to or about her not to refer to the girl by anything except her name, or even comment on any of this idiotology .
Once this gender nonsense crops up they can't wait to goad you into using the "wrong" pronouns or so called "deadnaming" don't let your daughter fall into any of those traps. If she doesn't speak of it either way she's not complying or giving in, good for you and good for your daughter .

toomanyleggings · 13/11/2023 12:49

in what way is she getting into trouble? What are the teachers doing in this ?

Autumcolors · 13/11/2023 12:52

I’d be very clear to your daughter that if she gets in trouble for pronouns at school she is to tell you. And you will deal with it.
its so awful kids have to deal with this at such a young age.

HoneyButterPopcorn · 13/11/2023 12:56

As I sad to my niece (about same age, at a girls school) - ‘no she isn’t, and everyone telling her she is/wonderful/special/brave etc isn’t going to help on the long term. Smile and nod…’

newtlover · 13/11/2023 12:57

treat it like a religion- some people believe this, we don't but it's unkind and unnecessary to pick an argument over it- just avoid pronouns by using her name. You could say 'lots of people go through funny phases like this and she'll probably grow out of it so lets wait and see'

PTSDBarbiegirl · 13/11/2023 13:00

Set the example by referring to the NB friend only by their name. Never refer to the fact they are NB and present anything to do with the friend as very pedestrian, thereby taking the drama/attention/I'm different element away. The child is probably not happy and being encouraged by needy, damaging parents.

senua · 13/11/2023 13:01

My daughter has decided they no longer want to be friends with this child
Your DD is entitled to decide that this friendship has run its course.
Nobody has to be friends with anybody. Maybe it's time to have a (?another, ongoing?) chat with DD about consent?

BreatheAndFocus · 13/11/2023 13:01

I feel sorry for the 10yr old who is seeking attention and unwittingly driving any potential friends away. Absolutely support your DD in withdrawing from this girl. Tell your DD to interact with her as little as possible.

If you ever speak to the parents of this girl, I’d do the faux sympathy/understanding and sympathise that poor ‘Alex’ hasn’t realised that we don’t have to comply with regressive stereotypes or label ourselves by how much or how little we fulfil them. Tell the parents that perhaps that’s why their DD is short of friends, then hopefully the idiot parents will stop manipulating her into this - which is what they’re doing by the sound of it.

Beamur · 13/11/2023 13:05

So young.
Your DD should treat this the same as if she had any sudden difference of opinion with a friend. They can agree to disagree but if it becomes a point of conflict, she needs to step away from the friendship.
Teachers will want other pupils to use preferred pronouns because that's what they have been told to do.
At 10 she needs to have an understanding of sex and gender and if you don't talk to your kids, tiktok will fill in the gaps. But she doesn't need to feel overwhelmed or upset by it - working out how you feel about yourself is very much a part of growing up. But feeling 'like a boy' or 'like a girl ' based on stereotypes is not an indication of whether you are one.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 13/11/2023 13:08

These poor children. My concern would be to what extent this is being enabled by the school? They can be very powerful in either a dangerous way by fawning over and centring this nonsense or they can calmly acknowledge a child's confusion while focusing on their core role - the learning and social / emotional development of all the children.
I'd have a discussion with the school - maybe the class teacher unless your DD suggests they're part of the problem in which case, speak to the Head.

FlowerBarrow · 13/11/2023 13:18

Sorry but I would not go for “some people believe this but we don’t …”. It gives equal legitimacy to the other view.
It needs to be more like, these are the facts but some people are confused and believe this…

Tinysoxxx · 13/11/2023 13:29

My DC had to sing hymns to God praising him for making the world. Then they had science lessons with evolution. So there is a historic culture in this country of ‘this is what some people believe in but we don’t’. The thing I would say (which is annoying but gives your Dd an easy life at her age) is tell Dd not to discuss it with her. You can just about get away with telling a religion teacher that you are atheist but with gender ideology it’s a step too far.

senua · 13/11/2023 13:30

FlowerBarrow · 13/11/2023 13:18

Sorry but I would not go for “some people believe this but we don’t …”. It gives equal legitimacy to the other view.
It needs to be more like, these are the facts but some people are confused and believe this…

Not correct.
It needs to be more like these are the facts and I/we believe in facts. Some people believe other stuff; they are entitled to believe that other stuff but you don't have to consent to go along with it - just distance yourself.

LakeTiticaca · 13/11/2023 13:37

It's no great surprise that this child has few friends. 10 year olds should not be subject to "pronouns" and getting snitched on to the teacher if they call a female she/her.
I would be having words with the teacher

lifeturnsonadime · 13/11/2023 13:39

This kind of thing boils my blood, why should any 10 year old child be compelled to go along with this? The parents clearly just want a special rainbow child.

As far as I can tell the parents of children who identify as trans dgaf what the impact is on other children.

We see it so often in the parents of trans girls. They particularly don't give a fuck that our daughters are forced to lower their boundaries by accepting these boys as 'girls'.

Alcemeg · 13/11/2023 14:02

My daughter has decided they no longer want to be friends with this child as they find the whole thing extremely confusing

Don't you feel safe referring to your own daughter, in private, as "she"?

Parents must show where the boundaries lie, and if you are tiptoeing around rules laid down by extremists, then perhaps this feeds into your daughter's confusion.

Original poster
shebathequeenof · 13/11/2023 14:27

Alcemeg · 13/11/2023 14:02

My daughter has decided they no longer want to be friends with this child as they find the whole thing extremely confusing

Don't you feel safe referring to your own daughter, in private, as "she"?

Parents must show where the boundaries lie, and if you are tiptoeing around rules laid down by extremists, then perhaps this feeds into your daughter's confusion.

They is a legitimate word used to describe anyone I call my daughter she her they in the correct way not going out of my way to use it! I certainly never do not use female pronouns on purpose. These they / them people don't own 'they' 'them' despite trying yo change its meaning. I don't belive humans can be non binary.

Thanks for all the replies yes 10 is confusing enough with puberty looming exactly why they don't need this utter drivel.

The teacher takes the whole 'be kind' approach and reminds the class that this special rainbow uses they them pronouns 🤮

I will 100 percent be taking the advice of talking to my child (she/her for the poster who might take the word child to mean I have a genital free one) about how they are not to get told off about pronouns although I think its 'reminding '.

Not long left at primary I am terrified as to how this will play out in secondary school.

Btw this is at a church of England school!

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 13/11/2023 14:32

Alcemeg · 13/11/2023 14:02

My daughter has decided they no longer want to be friends with this child as they find the whole thing extremely confusing

Don't you feel safe referring to your own daughter, in private, as "she"?

Parents must show where the boundaries lie, and if you are tiptoeing around rules laid down by extremists, then perhaps this feeds into your daughter's confusion.

Otoh using a mix of correct sexed pronouns or 'they' for all and sundry may serve to deflate the 'special status'.

Original poster
shebathequeenof · 13/11/2023 14:33

lifeturnsonadime · 13/11/2023 13:39

This kind of thing boils my blood, why should any 10 year old child be compelled to go along with this? The parents clearly just want a special rainbow child.

As far as I can tell the parents of children who identify as trans dgaf what the impact is on other children.

We see it so often in the parents of trans girls. They particularly don't give a fuck that our daughters are forced to lower their boundaries by accepting these boys as 'girls'.

Edited

You're right - they DGAF expect everyone to go along with it. No concerns for mental health or 'be kind' for the children forced to pretend their kid is the opposite sex to reality.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 13/11/2023 14:33

Yes OP, but you've got a really confusing mix of singular and plural object/verb agreements here:

My daughter has decided they no longer want to be friends with this child as they find the whole thing extremely confusing and overwhelming and is sick of the child running off to tell tales to the teacher or her mum if my child refers to her as 'she' and not 'them'.

I don't blame you for sticking with "my child" at the end just to simplify things!

I'm not having a go, I can't imagine how hard it is to be a parent nowadays (I don't have that problem!). I'm just thinking you might have become so conditioned to oversensitivity that you're unconsciously reinforcing the confusion.

Original poster
shebathequeenof · 13/11/2023 14:35

Alcemeg · 13/11/2023 14:33

Yes OP, but you've got a really confusing mix of singular and plural object/verb agreements here:

My daughter has decided they no longer want to be friends with this child as they find the whole thing extremely confusing and overwhelming and is sick of the child running off to tell tales to the teacher or her mum if my child refers to her as 'she' and not 'them'.

I don't blame you for sticking with "my child" at the end just to simplify things!

I'm not having a go, I can't imagine how hard it is to be a parent nowadays (I don't have that problem!). I'm just thinking you might have become so conditioned to oversensitivity that you're unconsciously reinforcing the confusion.

Ah no I don't give a fuck I'll call a man in a dress he and tell them it's a bit early for panto!

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 13/11/2023 14:35

for the children forced to pretend their kid is the opposite sex to reality.

Or in the case of a 'nonbinary' are they pretending the child has no sex at all?Confused who does this kid change with for PE ?