Autistic teen and pronouns

[Badgaston]

My dd is 14 and autistic (she’s also got adhd). Very gender critical household, older dd is also GC. I’m very GC and have always encouraged playing with all types of toys when the kids were growing up, they’d be dressed in all sorts of clothes, encouraged to try anything they’d like to. DD 14 has come out and said she’d like to use they/them pronouns. She hates having breasts and periods. We’ve had lots of discussions around how she’s female and that will never change that and yes periods are annoying but she’s adamant that she feels happier being they/them. She’s also talked about breast surgery when she’s older (she’s roughly a C cup now).

I’m unsure whether to do anything. I won’t be using they/them when she’s not around anyway. Part of it I feel is she’s expressed how she finds being autistic very hard so I feel it’s a bit of a way of coping with that.

You're doing a good job Badgaston.

If the school has Mermaids coming in they are promoting an affirmation approach (as Mermaids does) which is against the Cass review. I'd start with asking the school if they've read the Cass review, if not ask them to and let them know that you're aware that the recommendation in the review is that social transition is not a neutral act so schools should not be doing this without medical oversight and recommendation.

Mermaids appointed a trustee who attended a conference supportive of paedophilia IIRC and had an employee with pornagraphic material on his social media accounts. They also provided children (underage) with breast binders - which can do permanent damage - without parental consent or knowledge. They are not a neutral or supportive charity and you're right in asking your child not be involved.

Given Mermaids are political and have a certain political view - they tried to have the LGB Alliance stripped of their charitable status for example - are they having other charities like Transgender Trend in to present the opposing arguments? Schools have a duty to be politically neutral.

Mermaids are also being investigated by the Charity Commission. I'm not sure what the status of that is.

Wishing you luck in navigating this. The school don't sound politically neutral at all.

@pronounsbundlebundle thats really helpful thank you. Interestingly almost all teachers but one referred to dd as she. Even the non binary teacher started out that way and then said we should’ve corrected her as she goes by they/them. She has a very obviously female name think Susan so I found that quite bizarre. Dd was hanging around so we didn’t delve too deeply but I’ll be emailing the school again. The funny thing is dd doesn’t like anyone else using they/them pronouns even kids in school so I think alot of this is coming back to feeling different because she’s autistic.

It might be worth checking for the MN threads on the Charity Commission/LGBA vs Mermaids & other fishy happenings eg their improperly-modded chatrooms being full of people [doubtless there were adults posing as adolescents in there] sharing dangerous tips & the examples mentioned by a PP. I’d normally look them up & provide you with links but I’ve barely time to write this, sorry 😵‍💫

Keep pushing back. (As for HCPs who buy into “non-binary” 🤐)

@cheesefortea1 it is widely understood (eg see Cass) that c80-90% of children who claim a trans identity desist UNLESS they are given affirmation & medical treatment. Your understanding is not supported by current statistics. Understandably, OP would prefer her daughter was not encouraged to undergo unnecessary medical interventions, nor encouraged to believe that all non-NB people should be following outdated gender stereotypes

Badgaston you are doing a great job supporting your daughter. Yes, it sounds like you need to have a close eye on the school (exhausting I know). It has been notable that MNers who report challenging their school seem to have found the response much more positive than they’d expected. It seems that, in many schools, one or two activist members of staff end up driving the agenda, and often the SLT are grateful to get some parental leadership support for pushing back. There are a couple of threads with great advice/resources on this topic. I’ll see if I can find a link

Thanks everyone. I’m putting together a strongly worded email about Mermaids. My dd still wants to go by they/them pronouns and whilst I don’t actively support it, which she’s aware of, I don’t want to come down hard and push her away and she feels she has to seek support from anyone online. Interestingly her teachers use the she/her pronouns so I don't think they buy into it but obviously they’ve had a recommendation from someone that they should have Mermaids in which I suspect has come from the speech and language therapist who uses they/them. I’d rather they had transgender trend in which is what I’m suggesting and also someone from LGB alliance because if they’re covering gender identity surely having someone from an LGB charity in would be beneficial.

Really appreciate all the support and knowledge coming from this thread.

Are kids these days just being told that it’s ok to be gay? Seems to be just one voice we are hearing and it’s depressing.