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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

In a straight relationship but attracted to a woman

29 replies

Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 02/08/2023 23:44

Please go gentle. I have nc.

I have always been in relationships with men.

I met a woman recently and feel attracted to her.

We are friends and I think she senses it. Shes gay.

I'm so confused. I dont know what else to say.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 02/08/2023 23:55

Do you want to stay in the relationship you're currently in?
Because if so, is it something that needs to be a big deal?

I don't mean to be dismissive.
What are your concerns?

Original poster
Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 02/08/2023 23:57

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 02/08/2023 23:55

Do you want to stay in the relationship you're currently in?
Because if so, is it something that needs to be a big deal?

I don't mean to be dismissive.
What are your concerns?

Yes

I've never had feelings for a woman before.

OP posts:
Hawkins009 · 03/08/2023 00:05

@Bruisesthatyouleftbehind would an affair be an option ?

Original poster
Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:05

Hawkins009 · 03/08/2023 00:05

@Bruisesthatyouleftbehind would an affair be an option ?

No. Never.

OP posts:
Hawkins009 · 03/08/2023 00:11

Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:05

No. Never.

Show quote history

Fair points, want about open relationship or if not then spilt from your current relationship and try a new relationship ?

Original poster
Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:13

Hawkins009 · 03/08/2023 00:11

Fair points, want about open relationship or if not then spilt from your current relationship and try a new relationship ?

Show quote history

My new bf and I are early days

I dont even know if she feels the same. Shes my friend.

OP posts:
EnfysPreseli · 03/08/2023 00:17

I think you should view this as the same as you'd view an unexpected attraction to a male friend. It may be a surprise for you personally, but you're far from the first ostensibly straight woman to experience this. It seems to have unsettled you, but I'm not clear what you're worried about if you don't intend acting on it.

Hawkins009 · 03/08/2023 00:18

Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:13

My new bf and I are early days

I dont even know if she feels the same. Shes my friend.

Show quote history

Ah I see, I guess then one day at a time and just see how things develop naturally ?

Original poster
Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:21

EnfysPreseli · 03/08/2023 00:17

I think you should view this as the same as you'd view an unexpected attraction to a male friend. It may be a surprise for you personally, but you're far from the first ostensibly straight woman to experience this. It seems to have unsettled you, but I'm not clear what you're worried about if you don't intend acting on it.

It terrifies me.

I've been in straight relationships since I was 19 and I'm now mid 30s. This new one is so recent.

I met a woman at work and I just am so attracted to her. I know she is gay.

Previously I could appreciate a good looking man but wasnt attracted.

This is different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:21

Hawkins009 · 03/08/2023 00:18

Ah I see, I guess then one day at a time and just see how things develop naturally ?

Show quote history

I guess 💜

OP posts:
Annaishere · 03/08/2023 00:27

It could just be a blip but if it makes you uncomfortable maybe you should distance yourself from her

Ponderingwindow · 03/08/2023 00:27

I would extricate yourself from your current relationship and then see where things go. The best foundation for a good relationship is friendship.

I don’t think it’s crazy for people to find that their traditional lust template isn’t as fixed as they thought.

Original poster
Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:29

Ponderingwindow · 03/08/2023 00:27

I would extricate yourself from your current relationship and then see where things go. The best foundation for a good relationship is friendship.

I don’t think it’s crazy for people to find that their traditional lust template isn’t as fixed as they thought.

But he genuinely hasnt done a thing wrong. Hes brilliant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:30

Annaishere · 03/08/2023 00:27

It could just be a blip but if it makes you uncomfortable maybe you should distance yourself from her

It's going to become a choice between him and her.

My head says him but my heart says her which is batshit.

OP posts:
Hawkins009 · 03/08/2023 00:33

Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:30

It's going to become a choice between him and her.

My head says him but my heart says her which is batshit.

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Sometimes our instincts are unusual, I must admit my instincts are at odds with what I know, but there's just something not quite right, and slowly intelligence is confirming my instincts.

I guess sometimes the heart wants, and sometimes our instincts are better than our logic at times.

Original poster
Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:34

But equally I only know shes gay. I dont know she feels the same as I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:34

Hawkins009 · 03/08/2023 00:33

Sometimes our instincts are unusual, I must admit my instincts are at odds with what I know, but there's just something not quite right, and slowly intelligence is confirming my instincts.

I guess sometimes the heart wants, and sometimes our instincts are better than our logic at times.

Show quote history

My heart has led me to several 🚩

OP posts:
Annaishere · 03/08/2023 00:36

I can imagine how strange and confusing it must feel for you

Hawkins009 · 03/08/2023 00:37

Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:34

My heart has led me to several 🚩

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in that case sometimes you have to override the heart.

To combine my instincts with my mind it's I want to make contact, but feel it would cause the whole don't push the red button type situation.
So I'm overriding my instincts.

Original poster
Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:39

To be clear, I've done nothing but talk work and life with this person I just feel attracted to her in a way I can't explain.

OP posts:
GrumpyOldCrone · 03/08/2023 00:58

Sexuality can be more fluid than we expect. I’ve known several women who had relationships with men until their 30s or 40s and then, suddenly, started having relationships with women instead.

But if it’s only this woman you’re attracted to, maybe there’s something else going on?

Original poster
Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 01:00

GrumpyOldCrone · 03/08/2023 00:58

Sexuality can be more fluid than we expect. I’ve known several women who had relationships with men until their 30s or 40s and then, suddenly, started having relationships with women instead.

But if it’s only this woman you’re attracted to, maybe there’s something else going on?

What do you mean?

OP posts:
namitynamechange · 03/08/2023 01:01

Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 00:29

But he genuinely hasnt done a thing wrong. Hes brilliant.

Show quote history

Which makes it all the more important to treat him with respect (not saying you wouldn't). But that means working out, irrespective of this woman, if you still fancy him and want to be with him. If you do you either have to work through your feelings about the woman or, if it isn't possible, to distance yourself from her. If you don't then I don't think it's fair to keep him on as a sort of backup plan in case the other woman isn't interested. If you and this guy don't have a future together then completely separate to that you can work out whether you want to pursue something with the woman, if she likes you etc, if you want to see if you find other women attractive.

I think the other posters suggestion of an open relationship isn't great for all sorts of reasons.

Original poster
Bruisesthatyouleftbehind · 03/08/2023 01:04

namitynamechange · 03/08/2023 01:01

Which makes it all the more important to treat him with respect (not saying you wouldn't). But that means working out, irrespective of this woman, if you still fancy him and want to be with him. If you do you either have to work through your feelings about the woman or, if it isn't possible, to distance yourself from her. If you don't then I don't think it's fair to keep him on as a sort of backup plan in case the other woman isn't interested. If you and this guy don't have a future together then completely separate to that you can work out whether you want to pursue something with the woman, if she likes you etc, if you want to see if you find other women attractive.

I think the other posters suggestion of an open relationship isn't great for all sorts of reasons.

Show quote history

I would never do an OR.

I want to be with him but I have feelings for her. I suppose I need to do as PP suggested and treat it like it was a man.

OP posts:
fullbloom87 · 03/08/2023 01:13

OP are you sure it's not just because shes gay that your brain is telling you it's okay to be attracted to her. I would say she's filling a void in your relationship you have and you're getting confused as a result of that.