GC - how to prepare kids

[Embarra55ed]

My kids are very young (5 and 3) but I’m conscious that in the not too distant future they’re going to be exposed to all kinds of confusing messages about the world.

I’d like to bring them up with a strong and secure knowledge that their own bodies are perfect and that they can choose to wear whatever clothes, love who they like, do what they want (as long as it doesn’t harm others) without having to change their bodies in any way. I want them to understand that they have a biological sex and it is immutable.

Obviously I’ve started talking about these things in an age appropriate way already, and as I have one of each sex they already understand physical differences, but I wondered if anyone could recommend any good books or other resources that I could use to lay the groundwork before peers and potentially school start trying to brainwash them (sorry if that sounds paranoid!).

Poor school if you think they’re going to brain wash them OP

mine is brilliant. Balanced open minded and keen to encourage debate and discourse.

The irony. You’re worried about the school brain washing them so you’re going to do it instead… let them make up their own minds

Heads up OP

if they get a whiff that mum is trying to earnestly lecture and educate them - they’re likely to listen much more closely to the other side of the argument

I have played it very dismissively here. It’s a bit of nonsense that has been allowed to snowball, especially if you’re feeling vulnerable and shit.

they and their friends pretty much came to that conclusion themselves thankfully though

I’m sure you’re familiar with Rachel Rooney’s lovely books! Seem appropriate for the ages :)

I do think the key and main thing as they get older is to monitor screen use.

My Body Is Me - lovely book:

https://www.transgendertrend.com/product/my-body-is-me/

Then talk about stereotypes and the patriarchy (use those words!) so that they know some people think girls shouldn't like getting dirty and boys shouldn't like jewellery etc and isn't that silly but it was useful for enforcing society rules that kept men at the top. Encourage them to spot such things in advertisements etc. Once they get good at it there's a decent chance they'll see it in the Ken/Barbie gender spectrum if they're unfortunate enough ever to have someone try to sell that to them!

Is it really brainwashing to say people can't change sex even if they really want to, and to make sure children understand that?

Anyway OP, I just tell my kids that they can wear any clothes but it doesn't make them change sex.
Use silly examples like saying if Daddy put on a dress or Mummy cut all her hair off, would they be a boy or girl, and simple things like that.
My 5-year-old gets confused sometimes, they're into stereotypes at that age, but I make sure he knows he will never change sex. It doesn't have to be a big conversation to start with.

DD is 9, I let her make her own choices about clothes/toys, have been consistent about saying that there are no boys or girls clothes/toys, just clothes/toys and whoever likes them can use them.

Over the last couple of years we've been having more conversations about bodies, growing up, puberty etc I've been trying to be very factual about it, 'You are a girl so you will have periods, grow breast,your hips will get wider', boys will grow hair in different places, have a penis instead of a vagina'.......

When she's said she doesn't want periods because they sound disgusting, I've agreed that they do sound a bit disgusting but they're just a bodily function and one that she'll learn to manage, that they have a purpose that might be really important to her later in life if she decides she wants children and is capable of having them. That boys have disgusting body functions too, one isn't better than the other, it's just the way bodies work.

I plan to keep the lines of communication open, answer any questions she has, make sure she knows nothing is out of bounds and that no matter how weird, uncomfortable or personal the topic she can raise it and I'll do the best I can to give her an answer or help her to find one.

’They can wear what they want, love who they want, do what they want’. Apart from deciding that they want to be the other gender.

I guess I would agree with this if I thought there was a choice involved. But they’ve been born with a biological sex and they can’t change that. I want to make sure they know that so that they’re not misinformed or confused.

Also agree I don’t want it to be a big lecture or a big conversation when they’re older, or to leave it until exposed more to people online (many of whom may have ulterior motives) hence wanting to lay the groundwork now.

Well quite, they can decide they want to present as the other gender in terms of clothes or whatever, but I want to make sure they understand that they can’t change sex. And that if my son wants to wear a dress it doesn’t make him female.

but I want to make sure they understand that they can’t change sex. And that if my son wants to wear a dress it doesn’t make him female.

there’s no secret magic pill op

just open and frank discussions
and pick the right school

"They can wear what they want, love who they want, do what they want’. Apart from deciding that they want to be the other gender."

This is not hypocrisy, as your implying. They also can't decide to be taller, stay babies, grow a third arm, change their eye colour, grow wings and fly... it's just that one biological impossibility now needs to be spelled out.

I wonder if it’s too much to hope that gender nonsense stops being taken so seriously by schools in the near future? That’s not to say your children shouldn’t have the FACTS of life explained to them anyway, @Embarra55ed .

Yes @MavisMcMinty I hope so too, but don’t want to leave it to chance.

School tells child that the world is flat, and there are fairies and elves at the bottom of the garden.

Parent tells child that is nonsense.

Parent accused of brainwashing.

Right...

Be factual.

‘people can’t change sex’, ‘no human has ever changed sex’, ‘even though some people think they are the opposite sex, they are still always going to be the sex they were born’. Teach them how to recognise the difference between men and women, the physical obvious differences. Point out that in general men are much taller, have bigger hands and feet, lose their hair and have very different faces to females. Be explicit about this and caveat it with ‘there’s never any reason to be rude’ but let them trust what their own eyes are seeing. Tell them that at some point they are going to hear a whole load of weird stuff about clownfish and brains but that none of it is real. Tell them that boys can wear tutus and have long hair but it doesn’t mean they are not boys. Teach them about why women need to have spaces where there are no men. If you do the ground-work now then it pays off. My son was 7 when I realised all this shit was going on, he’s 12 now and can hold his own when confronted by gender woo. I am really proud of him.

@Embarra55ed Some very good advice here.

As far as school is concerned, engage with them. Look at their policies - do they say sex or do they say gender when they mean sex? Do they list the protected characteristics accurately? What is their RSE policy like? Ask to see the RSE curriculum. Push back, if you have to. Be that parent.

just open and frank discussions
and pick the right school
The trouble is most schools don't advertise on their school website that they're big into indoctrinating children into life-threatening toxic misinformation.
I mean you can spot some of them during pride month but even that's hit and miss as a measuring stick.
OP I've got children a bit younger than yours and this is a topic I'm giving thought to, too, although I don't have any real answers, yet. Following with interest.

Thanks for the helpful advice.

Re the school, DC1 is only in reception. It is a great school in all other respects but they have the stonewall logo on their website - does anyone know what this means?

Oh and @TheSunnySide well done to you and your son. That’s exactly what I’d like to achieve.

If they've a Stonewall logo then they're likely a Stonewall champion. Here's Transgender Trend's analysis of how schools could be opening themselves up to reputational damage and legal challenge if they waste school funds on Stonewall:

https://www.transgendertrend.com/stonewall-school-champion/

We had a school zoom recently about RSHE for our Y4 and Y5 daughters. I asked about gender identity stuff and was told it wasn't part of the national curriculum and therefore wouldn't be covered... at all. Great relief tbh.

I think it's really hard. My DDs are teenagers, one of them has several (female) friends who use male names and pronouns with their friends (school thankfully is sensible and uses the sex specific pronouns as used by their families and have not made toilets mixed sex). Friendsof ours have an older teenage son who has come out as a transgirl and now uses a female name.

I did everything people are recommending on here and, to be fair, the DDs do talk to me about it, understands I have a different viewpoint from them about gender but do not hate their friends who identify as boys. I have made it clear that mums are concerned about teenagers permanently damaging their bodies and I have been quite explicit about the physical impact of binders, double masectomies and chemically induced early menopause. I use preferred names but generally avoid pronouns. We agree about female only spaces and the requirement for a 'third space'. I think the most important thing is to keep a dialogue open, but to use biological language and be explicit about the impact of letting men into female spaces.

It’s about parents being proactively upfront with their kids at home that you can wear what you want. Or call yourself what you want. But you can’t change sex.

And then also about being upfront with school asking how they teach SRE and what the curriculum contains and not being shy to challenge it. See Transgender Trend and Safe Schools Alliance for tips.

It’s also part of safeguarding to tell your kids that if someone makes them feel physically threatened or uncomfortable, or is trying to put them in a situation they don’t want, then it’s absolutely fine to be rude. #BeKind must come with heavy caveats, otherwise it’s a pretty dangerous message

I’ve never seen a Transgender person say they can change their sex. They say they can change their gender.