Support for mum with “trans” adult child

[VER0NICA]

I’m a long term FWR poster but I’ve name changed so I can link this thread to my friend.

Her 20 something ( probably ) gay ( definitely ) autistic son has come out to then as trans. Looking for parent support groups/resources I can link them to please.

I know about transgendertrend but there must be others.

Friend and her husband are HCP so instinctively GC, although they wouldn’t even know what that means. This is all new to them but they suspect (correctly of course ) that their son has been groomed.

Put this in the sex and gender board so people can see it

They need to come to terms with the fact that what they expected their child to be is different. Just tell them to support their child without any judgement. You should support them too without any judgement
It's a delicate situation alround

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/ is often signposted here.

I think all people, trans or otherwise, deserve help when there is a suspicion of grooming rather than handwaving it away.

There are lots of posters in similar situations - maybe move your thread to S&G?

In what way has he come out as trans?

He has told them that he thinks he is trans and wants to take cross sex hormones. They are obviously worried about the risks to his physical and mental health.

Thank you @AmuseBish

It sounds as if you think the child is whatever he says he is. Parents generally know what sex their child is, and some of us don't accept the incoherent ideology that pretends that "woman" and "man" describe some stereotype-based gender. Given the negative effects of "gender affirming care", and the pressures of society, how best to support one's child is the big question.

Saying "yes dear, you are a woman, and we think it's great that you want to take oestrogen" is no solution for those of us who don't believe, and who want an honest as well as a loving relationship with our children. But as heretics we risk estrangement.

If the parents thought their child had been unduly influenced by ANY group online, and was displaying strange and out of character behaviour, it would not be unreasonable for them to question or challenge it.

Even if that child is legally an adult, if they have vulnerabilities that might make them more susceptible to mental and emotional pressure from bad-faith actors, the parents are right to question and challenge.

Affirmation is not a neutral action, it can send a young person down the medical route because they think that’s what everyone expects of them. I saw a good video earlier where seven detransitioners talk about their experiences and suggest ways their own parents might have helped prevent them making such drastic decisions, I’ll go and look for it.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4841422-detransitioners-talking?reply=127376070

Hiya OP, there are several threads in the Sex and Gender board from parents/relatives in a similar position. Bayswater only supports parents of children/teens, as far as I know. Genspect is a good starting place and they have a Gender Dysphoria Support Network the parents can join.

Helen Joyce ends this excellent interview with a very sobering prediction for “parents who transed their child” who will never be able to admit to themselves that what they did harmed their child. She thinks they will have to cling to gender ideology - and demonise people like Joyce - for the rest of their lives, to protect themselves.

Really worth an hour and 10 minutes of anyone’s time.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4841720-helen-joyce-peter-boghossian-reality-vs-trans-ideology

Bayswater supports parents of adults too.

Bayswater support say that they also support parents of young adults.

This is an account of the experience of one parent whose son developed gender dysphoria as a young adult. It includes some advice that your friend might find useful OP.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/parenting-a-young-adult-with-gender-dysphoria/

You would also support a child being a drug addict? Going into crime? Self-harming?

This mindless "just support people" is part of how we got here today. People, especially children and teens need to hear, no, too.

Sympathy to your friends from someone in a similar situation . Bayswater are a good shout, they mainly focus on school age but they do have a support group for parents of adults.

Some of the Gender a Wider Lens podcasts are very helpful and insightful. There are a lot of these podcasts, I've listened to most of them by now but I'd suggest listening to the first three or four and the parent Q&A episodes, and then pick and choose any that look interesting.

This https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4717419-dd-ran-away-to-be-with-trans-lover-and-refuses-to-return Mumsnet thread gives some good insights.

One of the hard things about parenting an adult transitioner is that we have no control and limited influence. The first time my DC (mid twenties, autistic, not living at home, good relationship with DH and me) even hinted at interest in trans was when they told us they had changed their name by deed poll and was about to start hormones. I've had to swallow the fact that adults get to make their own decisions, whether we parents think they are good decisions or self-destructive mistakes. We don't get to solve our children's problems for them any more and we don't get to change their minds. It's more about finding ways to survive the long haul, we can be there when they need us and want us but our adult children have to find their own ways through the current zeitgeist.

Also worth having a look at Az Hakeem He's very knowledgeable about men, trans and autism.

You mean you wouldn't give support to your child if they were an addict? You sound a peach

Support doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with them support means letting them know they are loved and valued and able to seek appropriate advice without judgment

No wonder so many children go no contact with their parents

And you sound like a hypocrite, because that is not what you wrote. you wrote: "They need to come to terms with the fact that what they expected their child to be is different. Just tell them to support their child without any judgement". That is not the same as you now telling me "You mean you wouldn't give support to your child". One very well has to judge people, otherwise support is, as I said, just blind support, unquestioning support.

No wonder why society fell to the gender cult, because people tend to just go along (just support) everything without critically questioning it.

Thanks to everyone for these great resources.

Blimey someone mentioned going no contact with parents.

I hope your friends find the support they need. Gender A Wider Lens is a great podcasts but there are over 100 episodes do take the previous poster's advice to narrow down you listening.