My experience with “identifying as trans”

[kistermipling]

I’m 21 years old and have been following this forum for a while. I would like to share my experience with identifying as trans and how I ended up desisting.

I was always a tomboy as a child. Clothes all from the boys section, played rugby and football every week, lined up in the “boys” line at school, had no female friends, was very interested in maths, science etc. In any role play games I’d take on a “male” role and I hated anything feminine. In the summers I’d be shirtless in the park like the rest of the boys. I didn’t want to grow up and go through a female puberty, and I was very distressed when I got my first period and had to start wearing a bra (as in, I cried many, many times over this and felt extremely uncomfortable).

I struggled a lot with my mental health as a teenager - diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder, panic disorder, depression and anorexia all from the ages of 12 to 19. At 14 I was genuinely convinced I was “trans”, and this went on until I was about 18. I hated my body and I hated myself. I hated my breasts and periods, I cut all my hair off and started binding, I wanted people to think of me as a guy. I planned to start testosterone and get top surgery. I looked back on my childhood and I thought “this explains everything; this is the reason I’ve been struggling. As soon as I transition everything will be fine”. I never actually “came out”, I kept it mostly to myself. But I did plan to eventually tell everyone.

I was a strange case in that I was pretty gender critical even when I thought I was trans. I knew that I would always be biologically female, and I just wanted to live my life presenting as if I were a male. I didn’t believe in “gender identity” or anything like that. I accepted that I was a female with a medical condition which could be “treated” by transitioning. I thought I was a “real trans person” - not like those other they/them people who are just pretending.

During lockdown I struggled even more with my mental health, and after what was basically a breakdown I spent a lot of time examining my thoughts. I realised that being “trans” to me was a way to escape my reality. By transitioning I could effectively create a new identity. I could have a new name, a new face, a new body. People would like me more. I convinced myself that transitioning would end my pain, but that’s just not true. I prevented myself from enjoying so many experiences and having opportunities because I always told myself “I’ll do this when I’m a guy, when I’m a guy everything will be better”.

I realised that transitioning wouldn’t make my pain go away. Well, maybe it would alleviate it temporarily. But it would always be there. I genuinely believe that the “trans” identity is a way for hurting, confused young people to try and deal with their suffering. It creates a sort of barrier between you and the world. It protects you. But really, it makes things worse as you never deal with the problems that were there in the first place. This isn’t to say that they don’t genuinely believe that they are trans - because they do. They do really believe that they are “boys in girls bodies”. But I think if there were measures to help them with their problems in the first place, far fewer young people would be inclined to transition.

I’m a lot happier now. I’ve grown my hair back out, I work full time and will hopefully be going to university next year. I live with my lovely boyfriend and I have a lot to look forward to. I still struggle with anxiety but I actually deal with it now instead of masking it. There’s so much more I want to say on this subject but I sometimes struggle to articulate my thoughts clearly enough. I just wanted to put my perspective out there and show that not all young people support the trans agenda. I certainly know far more people my age who are critical of it than those who support it. As someone who is passionate about everything scientific, the erosion of the word “woman” frustrates me and I’ve been somewhat vocal about it in spaces that allow it. This whole movement is extremely harmful and I wish more people could see that.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you are happy with yourself now and sounds like things are going well.

Scary to think what can happen to people in similar positions who are rushed down the hormone/surgery route.

I'm so glad that you are feeling more peaceful with who you are, and that life is much better for you now

It sounds like you were a little girl who loved being active, and chose comfortable clothes that would facilitate that. Maybe you were drawn to role play characters who were in charge and strong and powerful. Sounds like you enjoyed having a lean, compact body that worked well for running around, and found it incredibly difficult to have to deal with breasts and periods. I think a lot of girls would relate to everything you have described

@kistermipling good on you for telling your story but also for not bowing to the pressure of hormones or surgery. Lockdown was so hard on everyone, well done for your critical thinking, relying on your scientific knowledge & not allowing yourself be captured.
Keep living your best life now & please keep active with us on this thread X

Thanks for sharing and I'm so glad you are doing ok, you sounds like a super clever critical thinker.

I also grew up non conforming, definitely wanted to be a boy. Puberty can be brutal but I found my people in the end, found a way to be non conforming and confident with it.

I'm so glad for you that you got through that painful and scary time safely. I think you must actually be a very strong person with considerable inner resources, even if it didn't feel like that at the time.

Thank you for sharing and good luck in the future. I was like you growing up in liking all the things associated with boys. This was way before the trans issue began. But the lightbulb moment for me was when I realised that all the activities I liked did not define my sex. I could do all the things I wanted just as well as a girl as if I had been a boy. It was only culture and stereotyping that got in the way, so I just pushed back while pushing ahead, so to speak.

That's really interesting, OP, and thanks for sharing.

How much would you say was you genuinely wanting to be physically male, and how much was it wanting to be seen as, or treated as, male - if you don't mind me asking?

I'm really interested in this distinction.

It creates a sort of barrier between you and the world. It protects you. But really, it makes things worse as you never deal with the problems that were there in the first place. This isn’t to say that they don’t genuinely believe that they are trans - because they do. They do really believe that they are “boys in girls bodies”. But I think if there were measures to help them with their problems in the first place, far fewer young people would be inclined to transition.

As someone with first- and second-hand experience of various anxiety disorders and distress, I absolutely get how leaving the house with some sort of "shield" might be the only way some people can manage to leave the house when they are suffering from mental distress. It makes perfect sense as a coping mechanism.

And I agree with you that many people who identify as trans genuinely believe they've been born in the wrong body, because they've been told that some people are.

I identified as agender for a few years (in my late 30's!) as I'm autistic (and gay) and everyone around me was identifying as "cis", and I knew I definitely didn't feel what they said they were feeling about having a perfectly matching gender identity and physical body, as I don't feel any sense of inner gender whatsoever and never have.

If I hadn't been told by everyone around me that they all had a gender identity (whether trans, "cis" or something else), then it wouldn't have occurred to me that there was something unusual about myself in that I wasn't feeling any of that gender stuff everyone else was suddenly saying was normal.

It's scary how easily language can change to force people to define themselves in terms of gender ideology - as an autistic person I'm constantly having to analyse social situations and learn social rules to fit in, and I became acutely aware that it was unacceptable to say you don't believe in gender identity, and instead I let trans people tell me "that means you're agender, hun" instead.

Thank goodness you saw the light and embraces it and have freed yourself from taking the wrong path.

Please share your story as far and wide as you can on the internet.

I am a generation older than you. I identified as nonbinary for a long time. I think the things that changed that for me were 1)having a female child, 2)getting a bloody good therapist 3)lockdown (which went on for fecking ever where I live) broke a lot of the links between myself and my "queer" community so gave me some space and time to think.

@Nomorenonbinary lockdown was a great time for reflection for many people. Thanks for also sharing your story 😊

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s always heart wrenching to read about children being in pain, but I think for many women hearing about the pain of girls going through puberty hits hard. We hoped it would be better for the generations coming after us, and it’s not.

What I’m wondering is do you think it was wanting to be seen as, looked at and treated as male? Or was it NOT wanting to be seen as, looked at and treated as a girl whose body is visibly showing the puberty changes.

If you are comfortable to answer my question - thank you. If not - just ignore it.

I think a lot of the women on this board felt the same as you growing up OP. It's apparent that a lot of us are gender non conforming, shall we say, as adults.

The thing that scared me about all of this was the fact that I knew with my background that if I was a teenager today and the thought of being trans had been offered to me as an explanation for the disconnect between how i felt and what I was supposed to feel as a girl I'd have been convinced that being a boy or being perceived as a boy would have been the answer to all my problems.

Of course it wouldn't have been. The only solution to my problems was time and experience of life.

Puberty is hell, for both sexes, but especially girls. Our bodies seem to progress to womanhood way before our brains are ready for the switch. It's a lot of changes in a very small space of time.

I'm glad you've come out the other end. I won't say unscathed as I'm sure you've still got a way to go. But what seems like a massive part of your life, given your young age, now will in time be a small part of your life's experiences.

Try not to dwell too much on things and how they could have been different. Be thankful you've realised you can live as you are, and now start getting out there and living your life.

💜

Another one to say I understand! Constantly running or biking as a child, then puberty and ridiculous massive boobs put an end to that!!!

Literature, then and now, helped me - both Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones have women, Eowyn and Cersei, talking about the restrictive roles women had to take up. But it also gave me hope and pride- Eowyn defeats the Witch King with the defiant line "I am no man!" Brienne of Tarth in Game of Thrones is a great, strong woman. Throw in 1970s Wonder Woman and I knew it wasn't me, it was them (society) that was wrong!

I'm so pleased that you have embraced your womanhood and the strength and beauty that goes with it 😀

From what you have described dd was very like you as a child, she came to realise as she got older that it wasn't herself that she hated, or even being female, but society's expectations of females, how they should look and behave. Thank you for sharing your experience, I hope that someone who needs to read it finds it.

Thank you for sharing.

"But really, it makes things worse as you never deal with the problems that were there in the first place"

THIS is exactly the problem.

I was exactly like you op, tomboy, male friends, climbing trees etc, except when I was growing up there WAS no such thing as "trans", just "tomboy" or a more "feminine" boy. And we just got on with our lives. Now this trans ideology has been introduced as an idea to similar kids and it has completely fucked with their heads. And the worst thing is it's adults doing this to them.

Thanks for your story OP and good luck at university. I would consider spontaneously joining some random sports club at Freshers Fair, like windsurfing or a martial art, just for a laugh. It's my one regret from those days.

Thank you so much for sharing. It is very reassuring to read your story.

I think a lot of the women on this board felt the same as you growing up OP. It's apparent that a lot of us are gender non conforming, shall we say, as adults.

I completely agree - I hated my changing body with the hair and the breasts, I hated periods in particular as there was this thing that suddenly had to be dealt with when I wanted to be climbing trees and building dens, not dashing off to the loo to change a pad (having had to bring the damn thing with me in the first place). I was determined to have a hysterectomy as soon as I was old enough.

I shudder to think what path I might have found myself on had I grown up in the 2010s rather than the 1980s/1990s.

I'm so glad to hear you are happy and thriving, OP.

I'm glad you are happy OP. It's brave of you to share your story, thank you.

Thanks for sharing your story OP and I'm glad you're happy now.

What do you think was the turning point for you? Was there a lightbulb moment, or just a growing realisation?

And what help do you think should be offered to girls and young women who are in a similar position?

this is really interesting, thanks for posting. Do you mind saying how your parents dealt with it, and whether you think they did the right thing? My kids are young and so far very gender critical but also relatively gender conforming in terms of how they choose to dress etc but obviously this may change as they get older.

I get so angry at the gender stereotypes inflicted on kids these days. I grew up in the late 1960s - when many boys were long haired peace loving hippies - and 1970s, when women’s lib meant women could have short hair, trousers, and tackle men’s jobs while being seen as feisty trailblazing women, not imitation men in the wrong body. Now, any tiny divergence from the rigid “feminine” box has a girl
labelled a transboy. Sickening. Glad you escaped, OP.