My experience with “identifying as trans”

[kistermipling]

I’m 21 years old and have been following this forum for a while. I would like to share my experience with identifying as trans and how I ended up desisting.

I was always a tomboy as a child. Clothes all from the boys section, played rugby and football every week, lined up in the “boys” line at school, had no female friends, was very interested in maths, science etc. In any role play games I’d take on a “male” role and I hated anything feminine. In the summers I’d be shirtless in the park like the rest of the boys. I didn’t want to grow up and go through a female puberty, and I was very distressed when I got my first period and had to start wearing a bra (as in, I cried many, many times over this and felt extremely uncomfortable).

I struggled a lot with my mental health as a teenager - diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder, panic disorder, depression and anorexia all from the ages of 12 to 19. At 14 I was genuinely convinced I was “trans”, and this went on until I was about 18. I hated my body and I hated myself. I hated my breasts and periods, I cut all my hair off and started binding, I wanted people to think of me as a guy. I planned to start testosterone and get top surgery. I looked back on my childhood and I thought “this explains everything; this is the reason I’ve been struggling. As soon as I transition everything will be fine”. I never actually “came out”, I kept it mostly to myself. But I did plan to eventually tell everyone.

I was a strange case in that I was pretty gender critical even when I thought I was trans. I knew that I would always be biologically female, and I just wanted to live my life presenting as if I were a male. I didn’t believe in “gender identity” or anything like that. I accepted that I was a female with a medical condition which could be “treated” by transitioning. I thought I was a “real trans person” - not like those other they/them people who are just pretending.

During lockdown I struggled even more with my mental health, and after what was basically a breakdown I spent a lot of time examining my thoughts. I realised that being “trans” to me was a way to escape my reality. By transitioning I could effectively create a new identity. I could have a new name, a new face, a new body. People would like me more. I convinced myself that transitioning would end my pain, but that’s just not true. I prevented myself from enjoying so many experiences and having opportunities because I always told myself “I’ll do this when I’m a guy, when I’m a guy everything will be better”.

I realised that transitioning wouldn’t make my pain go away. Well, maybe it would alleviate it temporarily. But it would always be there. I genuinely believe that the “trans” identity is a way for hurting, confused young people to try and deal with their suffering. It creates a sort of barrier between you and the world. It protects you. But really, it makes things worse as you never deal with the problems that were there in the first place. This isn’t to say that they don’t genuinely believe that they are trans - because they do. They do really believe that they are “boys in girls bodies”. But I think if there were measures to help them with their problems in the first place, far fewer young people would be inclined to transition.

I’m a lot happier now. I’ve grown my hair back out, I work full time and will hopefully be going to university next year. I live with my lovely boyfriend and I have a lot to look forward to. I still struggle with anxiety but I actually deal with it now instead of masking it. There’s so much more I want to say on this subject but I sometimes struggle to articulate my thoughts clearly enough. I just wanted to put my perspective out there and show that not all young people support the trans agenda. I certainly know far more people my age who are critical of it than those who support it. As someone who is passionate about everything scientific, the erosion of the word “woman” frustrates me and I’ve been somewhat vocal about it in spaces that allow it. This whole movement is extremely harmful and I wish more people could see that.

Thanks for sharing. Thankfully you weren't pushed or convinced into you being in the 'wrong body'. Many younger (and maybe older) people hate their bodies or feel it doesn't sit well and most grow out of this or accept what they have and how they feel is quite common. Children are very vulnerable and so can be coerced into feeling they are the wrong sex and so need protection.

Thanks kistermipling I’ve been reading trans subreddits to try and understand the mindset, and this is by far the most concise and beautifully written and helpful explanation. Thank you. I’m very glad you are happier.🍰

Also this

Hi @kistermipling , thanks for your honest and sincerity in sharing your story. I think what you've described is something that most of us here fear most - that kids who don't fit in or aren't happy for some reason are getting swept up in believing that they can change sex and it will improve their lives, and, based on that, are making choices that they aren't equipped to make and which can't be reversed.

I'm so happy you've found some peace and contentment in your life and I hope that things only get better for you.

Thank you so much for posting. It’s good to hear from someone who has navigated this environment. I’m glad you’ve found the strength and insight to come out the other side.

I think people just don’t believe that many of the women on this board have any idea what it must be like to be a girl or young woman in today’s society. We’re just dismissed as ‘old’ and worthless and bitter.

It feels like yesterday that I felt so alienated and disgusted by my growing body. I HATED being a girl - I felt cheated, dismissed, hard-done-by, angry, hopeless, jealous and ultimately depressed. It was patently obvious to me that I was going to have to do something twice as good to get noticed or recognised by my male peers. I would have to work very hard to make myself look beautiful to conform to society’s beauty standards - what a waste of my precious time! I was genuinely depressed by it all.

if I’d have watched all these videos of young girls making themselves unrecognisable to themselves?! Or felt I was part of a glorious, pioneering gang of trans men instead of the freaky outsider of a girl I was - I’d have fallen for it hook line and sinker. It is now an option to ‘change sex’. I didn’t have that as an option.

Crowdfunders make it look easy to raise the thousands needed for surgery. And if your Mum and Dad are up for it you can easily buy the hormones from places like Gender GP. Shame if you’re working class and poor but hey wait a year or two and there’s always sex ‘work’.

Look at all the movies that have been made about transformational make-overs. The idea is SO seductive, especially as a young girl coming into puberty. Your body is transforming by doing nothing - imagine if you could actually control that transformation? And then actually transform into a brother or a son - REALLY reinvent yourself and scrap all that went before.

I find this issue so absorbing and depressing because it is my issue too. As a woman, as a mother, as a human being. It cannot be right that so many young women are going through this and we’ve ‘only just found the language’ for it. What we’ve got is a huge pharmaceutical and plastic surgery industry promising and profiting from these ‘transformations’ and a web of social media spreading the contagion. A perfect storm.

We need to support young people like you OP. Thanks again for posting and best of luck in your life.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I wanted a flat chest, narrow hips, to be taller, leaner, a deeper voice etc. The dysphoria around my physical body was pretty bad. But a lot of it was also wanting to be seen as male. I have three brothers and wanted to be one of them. At house parties in college I wanted people I’d never met to assume I was a guy (and they did largely). I think mostly I wanted people to not see “me”. I was dealing with a lot of self hatred, hence the desire to effectively become someone else.

I can try and answer this. It was both in my experience. I’d had a lot of trauma as a girl, I didn’t have many friends, I felt that no one liked me. I didn’t want people to see me as I had been anymore. The idea of being “someone else” was exciting and I wanted it so much. To detach from who I used to be and form a new identity. But also I definitely wanted to be seen as male, and treated as such. I wanted to fit in with groups of guys, I wanted people to look at me and see a male and not think otherwise, I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and see a guy.

I think the effects of puberty on young girls can be horrific, especially the sporty/athletic ones. You go from being lean, fast, feeling like one of the boys on the team to having to deal with breasts, extra body fat, wide hips and periods in a very short amount of time. I stopped playing sports when I hit puberty and have never managed to get back into it properly.

Yes this was definitely a big part of it. I’m still a “tomboy” - I live in baggy jeans, hoodies and jordans, I have loads of tattoos up my arms, really into my football, sciences & maths too, at work I have great banter with all the older guys etc. But even now there is someone at work who likes to use the word “tomboy” in a derogatory way towards me, as if it’s somehow a bad thing. People need to start accepting that having certain chromosomes doesn’t have to determine your interests or behaviours.

Thank you :) I’m a bit nervous to start uni next year as I’ll be 4 years “behind” everyone else. But I’m determined to have a really good time (and am definitely interested in martial arts). I wasted a lot of time being unhappy with myself and I want to start living my life properly now.

I think it was a gradual realisation that no matter how short my hair was, no matter how flat my chest was, no matter how many people assumed I was a guy, I was still so unhappy. I figured I can either be unhappy and not transition, and try to deal with the root of my pain. Or I could be unhappy and transition, and then have to deal with the root causes plus all that comes with transition (and not just mentally - I used to want to be a doctor so did lots of reading about the physical effects of transition and they were pretty horrifying). I decided I didn’t want to be unhappy anymore and that I wanted to sort my life out.

I think dysphoric feelings during puberty need to be normalised. It’s never mentioned in sex ed that you might feel uncomfortable during puberty. These girls need to know that it is normal to not be comfortable with their bodies during puberty. I also think it needs to be okay again for a girl to have short hair, wear “male” clothes and even go by a masculine nickname. But at the moment it seems anyone who wants these things is “trans”. And also I would say mental health support needs to be so much better. If a young teenager is telling you that they’re “trans”, 90% of the time that is a cover for “I’m depressed/I’m autistic and struggling/I’m being bullied/I was abused as a child” and the reasons that these young women feel the need to transition need to be explored.

I don’t have a relationship with my dad, and my mum was very much “I’ll support you whatever you do, but being trans is very popular right now”. I was already gender critical and so was she, but I believed I was “genuinely trans” - not one of these people hopping on the trend. We never spoke much about it and I think that was the right way to do it. Treat it as a non-issue but make it clear you have concerns.

Hi OP

I think you're really insightful, and I think you comments about imagining that just being in a male body could 'allow' you to do all the things that you wanted, I think that feeling of 'if only I lived in the country/in the city/in a bigger house/ I could do etc etc etc' is very common. In your case it wasn't location that was the issue, you were the location. But I think there's a truism in 'wherever you go, there you are', meaning, you can't locate yourself out of your problems, you have to get to the root of them in the place that you reside, in your case, your female body.

I'm really into science, maths, science fiction, whisky drinking and poker, cigars, sharp suiting and shirts and am slim-hipped, small-breasted and deep-voiced, but I've always felt very definitely female, just because I like 'traditionally' male pursuits and androgynous dressing doesn't make me a man! I don't like the term tomboy either. I'm just a woman with her own interests. I have been called 'manly' throughout my adulthood. What does that even mean? Fuck all. That's other people's issue. Not mine!

I do understand your desire to reject womanhood. I've suffered female-related trauma on a number of times throughout my adult life, maybe if I'd suffered female-related trauma as a younger woman or a child I may have found it a better option to reject my womanhood, hey, I'm not seen as that womanly anyway, I'll just say 'no thanks' to that.

It's not that easy though because all that pesky womanhood still remains. Bummer eh?

I get it though. Thanks for your post.

Just wanted to say that I really resonate with all of this. Being able to reinvent yourself and leave the depressed, bullied, loner girl behind is very tempting for a lot of people.

My siblings and I were very close to a my mums friend’s children growing up. There were the same number of children in each family at similar ages. All of these children bar one had problems which required attention - and the one child with no problems was effectively ignored by her parents. She was a very shy, socially awkward girl just a bit younger than me. At 14 she “came out as trans”, cut her hair and changed her name. Within a couple of months she was on hormone blockers and had a binder. At 16 she was on testosterone. My mum fell out with her parents and they haven’t spoken since. This poor girl was at the prime age for bodily discomfort, was overlooked and ignored by her parents and was likely picked on at school. Looking back it seems inevitable that she would be a “trans” teenager. All the warning signs were there. Poor kid is now 19 and will have irreversible damage to her body.

@kistermipling If you had come out as trans, do you think that you would have had peers pushing you towards the medicalisation/drugs route of things? I'm a child of the 80's and don't remember ever being told I couldn't do anything due to being a woman. It is a very frightening trend at the moment and the detransitioners/desisters are being shut down where possible and are not being allowed to warn of the harms and dangers involved. I'm so glad that you worked it all out for yourself before you did anything drastic.
I was in my early 20's doing summer camp in the states when I worked out that you always take yourself with you - in terms of not being able to run away from problems. Not the most fun realisation!
Also uni, I 13 years behind my year when I started and wasn't even the oldest.
Enjoy uni, it will fly by before you know it. Thanks for sharing this part of your life x

I think I would have felt somewhat of a push from peers. A couple of my friends wouldn’t have cared but I went to a very liberal college which pushed LGBTQ+ things and quite a few people were in the process of transitioning. Also social media does a very good job of convincing you to pursue medical transition - reddit threads encouraging people to “just try T” as if it’s akin to something like temporarily dying your hair. Also speaking to peers who identified as trans, and having all of them talk about going down the medical pathway, makes you feel sort of left out of you don’t. I feel like once a young person identifies as trans, it’s very difficult to dissuade them from medically transitioning.

And re uni, that’s great to know :) Still haven’t decided what to study but that’s eased my anxiety a bit.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and so eloquently. This is something which needs to be addressed - during puberty/teen years it's very common to feel disconnected from your body but rarely discussed except in a clinical way - periods, voice changing - nothing about hating your body and the changes you can't control. A poor standard of education and widespread acceptance of cosmetic surgery - you can buy a new self! When in fact you only ever get one body, so by definition how can it be 'wrong'? With psychiatric care now virtually non existent on the NHS the only treatment on offer comes from big pharma - antidepressants, hormones, etc. There may be more awareness of mental health issues but what good does that do when there is no support available. The medical community has a lot to answer for by handing out hormones to vulnerable young people.

Thank you for sharing your story. I was never confused about my gender growing up ( 30 years ago now( but can relate to the 'when I become... everything will be better and all my problems will go away'

For me and many of my generation it was eating disorders and I genuinely believed if I became slim I would be happy and accepted. Of course it never works that way but I can see the parallels.

The big difference being, eating disorders were recognised as mh issues and no one us telling the anorexic that yes they're too fat and let's keep dieting.

Young, troubled people will always be looking for the cocoon that will turn them into a butterfly. It's horrible what this sinister movement is doing.

Exactly - often eating disorders develop when the sufferer feels they have no control over their life and your body is the only thing you have control over. It's easy to believe that by 'fixing' your body everything else will fall into place. Women who suffered sexual abuse in childhood often develop binge eating disorder to make themselves 'so big no one can hurt me again'. The spotlight of the trans debate typically focuses on the male experience when in fact the real issue is why so many young women don't want to be female

Thank you @kistermipling

’the real issue is why so many young women don't want to be female’

That is EXACTLY the real issue. The thing I keep pondering about is the correlation between puberty and the increase in numbers of girls “not wanting to be female”.

As someone who doesn’t seem to have an internal gender identity there are 2 reasons that prompt me to think about being female. One is when whatever I’m doing or want to do clashes with other people’s voiced expectations of female gender roles/behaviours/physical appearance. This then results in me having to justify, ignore, argue my case etc and carry on. Sometimes it’s inconsequential, sometimes it’s potentially career or life experience limiting so what I do depends on how much it impacts me.

The other time is when my body is doing specific female things, menstruation, pregnancy, breast feeding, peri-menopause and all the things related to that, smears, breast exams, contraception, HRT, post birth injuries, etc etc.

Is pubertal gender dysphoria a combination of the mental impact of pubertal changes and the weight of external (societal?) expectations and behaviour that lands on girls when their bodies are visibly showing adult female sex characteristics? Internal and external factors.

The physical changes do eventually stop but the new monthly hormone cycle goes on. Men’s bodies seem so uncomplicated to exist in compared to women’s because they have no monthly hormone cycle. Hitting the peri-menopause has forcibly reminded me of the mental and physical impact of puberty. It’s in flux, not consistent, it’s quite frankly getting in the way of me just living.

I wonder if there is any correlation with perimenopause and later gender transition in women.

Thank you for sharing.

To be honest I don't think I'd want to be female as a teen girl nowadays. Puberty was awful and having to look a certain way, which doesn't seem so much with boys who appear more relaxed about it (not all obviously). Maybe the ones struggling feel that becoming a boy either makes them invisible when they feel vulnerable, denies biology and/or puts it off or they are scared. With my son's female friends several went through a stage where they thought they might be bi, a couple thought lesbian and one potential trans but none of them were affirmed by over the top parents and it was treated as a stage in development. Now they are all girls and one 2 are lesbians (interestingly the one that initially thought wrong sex is strongly lesbian). The tra would suggest that a man can become and then be a lesbian! with a lady dick.