15 year old DS has ‘come out’ as trans

[BonusQuestionFor10Points]

Hi there, this will be long and I’m looking for compassionate practical advice please.

Will use male pronouns throughout, my DS is a natal male.

Background: 3 DC, have always assumed youngest DS would eventually grow up to be gay. When about 6 he told me he would like to be a girl. Over past few years he has indicated he fancied male stars, never female. Has always been into gaming, running around, bashing things (evidently ‘male’ activities/play — quite obvious as he had a female twin which highlighted the differences).

Have always also suspected some kind of neurodivergence (again thrown into sharper relief against his twin sister who clearly hasn’t struggled socially as he always has and still does). Over past few years he’s concluded for himself after doing lots of tests online (and from feedback from peers) that he is likely “on the spectrum” (his words). Never sought any kind of diagnosis as he’s functioned just fine. Until…

About 18 months ago he became increasingly withdrawn and depressed and stopped engaging in things, going out, finding happiness in any activity. Eventually he stopped going to school, although bright (had already been flagged as having social anxiety so teachers didn’t call upon him to speak in lessons).

Wouldn’t share what was up with anyone. I suspected immediately it would be related to his sexuality. He wouldn’t say what the school refusal was about or the general low mood, often totally non verbal. Wouldn’t share despite heartfelt reassurances of love and unconditional acceptance. As I’ve always prided myself on being a “right on” parent who models acceptance I found this personally really hard to deal with. Tried all kinds of approaches to communicate (as I have always tried to model) that home is a safe space to be whoever he is, he knows I’m openly bisexual so not homophobic and he certainly doesn’t know my views around trans issues. He hasn’t even opened up to his twin sister, although they’ve always been close and this has caused a disconnect between them that is pretty heartbreaking to witness.

He hasn’t been attending school for a year now, he goes in only to take in work and see well-being officer / SENCO and does schoolwork online. Naturally I took him to GP (he wouldn’t say a word) who referred to CAMHS, who concluded it’s a specialist issue (related to identity) so he was referred to a local charitable trust (rainbow flag, stating prounouns type thing).

The waiting list for this organisation is long. It’s been 6 months so far. He’s refusing all other help — counsellors etc. and it seems he’s determined to wait for this trust to assign him a keyworker.

Recently he did disclose to me in an outburst that he is trans, he wants to pursue a full transition to being a woman. My first response was thank you for telling me, I love you and you’re always safe to tell me anything.

Now I’ve come away to quietly panic about what all this means. He has threatened suicide a few times over the past year and I’m painfully aware that even though this is a long post it doesn’t give a fraction of the nuance of all of this.

He’s told me that he doesn’t think the neurodiversity is a factor and he is clearly pinning his hopes on a transition and is waiting for this charitable trust to work with him with that as an end goal. It’s not like he has suddenly decided to open up and is continuing to share with me – he says that he does kind of regret having disclosed to me that he is trans. We’ve gone back to the low-verbal stalemate limbo of the past year.

To compound matters my ex is pretty homophobic/transphobic (actively using slurs etc and citing cultural reasons).

To reiterate, I honestly do want him to feel safe in his own space, and safe to be whoever he is… but he’s 15. the reason I am referring to him with male pronouns still is because he has told me that until he feels safe to come out and transition slowly, there’s no point in referring to him by other pronouns. He will NOT use his name and we’ve had the farcical situation for a year where we call him “You” and do mental and verbal acrobatics to avoid using his name. I did ask him if he knows what his “new” name is, and he said he does but he wasn’t prepared to disclose it to me.

ironically his twin sister went through a ‘trans’ period at around 13 during the pandemic. She was a bit more vocal and even asked for puberty blockers which I laughed off. I did the “that’s nice dear, I love you” thing and she came through it after about 6 months and is now thriving and doing well, but this feels much more serious with her twin.

Any advice is welcome please 🙏

Offering a handhold to you, OP. This sounds really difficult to be going through.

The first thing you need to do is find help and support for you so you can help your son.

I'd suggest Bayswater support group, for parents of trans identifying children, as a first option.

And secondly I think communication and connection between you and your son has to be a priority. This site has some good articles on how to keep communications open with teenagers.

https://www.ahaparenting.com/guide/teenagers

He's very lucky to have you.

(Sadly it seems Dr Markham has some unfortunate ideas about 'gender', but her advice on communication and active listening, etc, is very sound).

Neurodiverse boy who has a twin sister he perceives as “better” than him would be an obvious reason for this.
However, if you push back too hard you may lose him as there are probably other people online or IRL validating the idea that if he were a girl all his problems would be solved.
Just watch and wait, don’t facilitate any non reversible treatment and adopt a “smile and nod” approach.
I really feel for you OP, it must be very difficult for everyone

Your DH’s attitude is a problem as your DS may be thinking he is trans as a way out of your DH mocking/dislike of gay men. Could you discuss this with him?

Absolutely this.

Best of luck , OP

Regardless if your son goes to see any GP and councillors being trans and even being gay is only something he can feel inside and only he can make the decision no one else can tell him right or if my son came to me and said he is gay/bisexual or even trans id love him just the more I'd be the one to make him feel safe I'd be the one to point him in the right direction if this is something he truly desires then we'd be going dress n makeup shopping unless your against it this shouldn't be a problem it's 2023 people can be whoever they want damn right he's missing school teenagers these days can be horrible he's probably got a lot on his shoulders all that you can do is take some of that off for him and be accepting he's probably got fear of rejection x

If his 15 year old twin comes home tomorrow and tells you that she wants to be a mother, as it is her true calling (which in fact it could be) and plans to drop out of school and get pregnant in the next 12 months, and will literally die if she can't, would your first response be 'thank you for telling me?'.

I'm not asking this to be provocative. I'm tentatively trying to find common ground with other child/parent conflicts in order to see if one can inform the other.

Does he have any hobbies that provide a distraction and something outside of himself to concentrate on?

Something you could do together over the summer like horse riding, sailing, taking dogs for a walk at a rescue centre, conservation volunteering?

Oof, same old story. Social outcast/school refusal/too much internet/becoming a woman will sort me.
I hope you find support and a non affirming therapist. He needs someone to talk to. Life is hard and the way to get through it is to get the tools to build resilience and accepting who you are, and sticking out a bad situation as they usually get better (15 is a dreadful time for many!). Magic beans helps nobody.

out and about today I saw a pair of teens, maybe 18, a young edgy looking girl and her mate, clearly trans and about the same age, nerdy looking kid in a summer dress about twice her height and width. Clockable from a mile away, young or no. He will never be a woman and neither will your kid, but with some luck your son will grow up into a lovely man who fought down his demons and won self acceptance. And that will make all the difference when he’s uni/work age, and will hopefully find his non online tribe. Best of luck to both of you.

Genspect may be able to advise on therapist that is not going to be too quick to 'affirm' or 'affirmation only'

After some thought—yes I would say thank you for telling me. Plus, it’s not the same at all. This has been brewing for 18 months and was a key disclosure. It was a heartfelt thank you.

He sounds depressed, OP. I think there are two separate things going on: his sexuality (probably gay) and his depression. ‘Being trans’ is an easy but false answer to both those things, particularly the depression. Added to that, some homophobia and possible dislike of ‘sissy’ boys or feminine boys, ‘trans’ provides a magic answer and a focus.

TBC, I think it’s more likely that the depression has led to the ‘being trans’, than the other way around.

As well as contacting sensible organisations (not Mermaids!), I’d skirt around the trans thing for now because he’ll probably be automatically defensive and withdraw. Focus on him - his probably sexuality, his hobbies, his good points, his career hopes, etc, etc. Make sure he feels valued. When you’re depressed you see slights and criticisms everywhere even in the mildest comments. Get him out and about if possible: hobbies, sports, walking, cinema, theatre. Very, very subtly get across the idea that it’s ok to be a feminine man.

Have tried offering, suggesting, cajoling, pleading, ordering, so so so many things. He literally has no interest in doing anything. He’s not really living much of a life; it’s heartbreaking. I’m not sat here passively and I haven’t given up trying — it’s what I truly want for him. Sadly he doesn’t.

Thank you for all responses so far. I’ll read through at depth later and explore the suggested routes.

You need Genspect! For yourself @BonusQuestionFor10Points as much as for understanding what your DS might be going through.

Also have a listen to the marvellous Stella O'Malley & Sash Ayadd's podcasts Gender: A Wider Lens. They are truly marvellous, and there is a parents' group they moderate.

From your account, it's more than likely he's gay. And being gay is still tough especially for effeminate boys (if that describes him, that is).

And I'd second @Melroses suggestion of something outdoors and physical.

Yes, something outdoorsy, or with different ages so that he isn't forced into a peer group situation. Or something less structured like a list of zoos to visit.

I am also a great believer in a bit of old fashioned routine - good food, sleep time etc. as depression is an illness. Animals are usually helpful, although it is probably not a good time to get a new pet.

Could you come up with non gendered nickname together . I think I'd want to use a name.

Could you call him by his initial instead of his name? Like Jay if his name is John and so on? I think it's interesting that he doesn't want to change name and pronoun yet, and it could be that he's going through something similar to what his sister went through, and if you support/smile/nod/refuse to let him do anything irreversible for long enough, like her he will come through it. Do you have any gay male friends you could ask over who might be some kind of role model for acceptance of his sexuality and a counter to things his dad might have said?

Heading to check out Genspect now and have cued up the Podcast in my Follow library — thank you all

www.transgendertrend.com/resources-for-parents/

Loads of help and informative stuff on the transgendertrend website.

I'd also be checking his online activity and see what he's been accessing. I know I will be called transphobic for this comment but my opinion which I'm allowed to have is there is a lot of online grooming in this area.

Have signed up for Genspect and Bayswater. Thank you all.

Do contact Bayswater

I rarely use this board but you seem so lovely, I just wanted to reply!

(I'd also thank my 15 year old DD for telling me she wants to be a mother, as did I at 15. But I didn't do it, thankfully!)

Your DS is very lucky you're his mum.

My friends who are older who have transitioned all have homophobic family, which I've actually just connected in my brain reading about your DS father. Mostly homophobic dad's who'd use slurs that are deeply offensive. But one did have a bizarrely bigoted granny. You'd go in the house to fairy cake smells and scones, this little sweet lady would fuss you and then she'd start ranting about anyone who wasn't straight/white/employed/slim/attractive, she was erm, vile.

And I don't want to say this to make you worry but my transwomen pals seem no happier for the transition, especially the ones who didn't enjoy more stereotypical "girly" activities as kids. So it's interesting you noticed your DS activities he enjoyed weren't the same as his DS.

(A young boy I know has said since aged 2 he's a girl, he's ND but also very feminine. He won't use male pronouns as of recently and uses a female name. Parents taking advice from psychiatrist, I think they've been absolutely faultless because this isn't a world they're familiar with. Anyway this child is the one who seems to be thriving living as female, but naturally that may change. Look at Brad and Ange's kiddo)

What sticks out here is your DS's depression, ND and as pointed out, him almost in awe of his twin.
There must be so much confusion in his poor head.

I'm a believer in gender dysmorphia, but I'm also very cynical about alot of people transitioning for that as a real reason. This board has been wonderful in helping me shape my views more well rounded than simply just being an ally.

I have no real advice, just telling you of experiences I've had of this topic.

I've friends currently throwing themselves into fully supporting their teens transition and I really don't see their lives improving, however they're scared their kids may kill themselves.
I think their kids seem depressed regardless and I can't see a transition helping that depression because there is more issues at bay than what they're letting on.
I don't share what I'd be doing in there situation, but I will here.

I'd be ensuring my child could talk to me about whatever is bothering them, like you I'd thank them and I'd be asking them what else, for the now, would improve your life? They don't seem to have that relationship with their DC, sadly.

I'm not saying this is your case, far from it, you seem a lovely mum, very lovely!

In the case of the family above, although I have 4 friends with teens wanting to transition, their homelives are chaos.
Parents very much struggling with addiction, in all 4 cases.
So I think cheering them on to transition and simply saying, "they'll kill themselves if we don't support them", is so they can continue to do bare minimum, sounds brutal but they seem to be happier to use that as a reason for their DC's depression as opposed to their chaotic homelives.

I think you are in for a battle, but you seem so kind and caring as a mum, I'm really hopeful with the right support you're able to get DC to accept themselves as a gay man.

Big support 💐

OP I'm in a similar position with my DS. The resources you've been signposted to are useful. I'm in a Gender Dsyphoria Support Network support group which is very helpful and two of the other parents have twins where one is trans and the other isn't.

The story of isolated teen spending their life online and likely having other co-morbidities/mental health problems is so familiar. It's really difficult to understand if you haven't experienced the challenge of trying to presuade someone who is resolute about this that it might be a good idea to go to school/work/leave the house and that taking hormones is very unlikely to be a miracle cure for them. My DS is currently working with an exploratory therapist. I've no idea if it will help but I don't want him anywhere NHS provision if I can help it. It's not fit for purpose IMO.