Hi there, this will be long and I’m looking for compassionate practical advice please.
Will use male pronouns throughout, my DS is a natal male.
Background: 3 DC, have always assumed youngest DS would eventually grow up to be gay. When about 6 he told me he would like to be a girl. Over past few years he has indicated he fancied male stars, never female. Has always been into gaming, running around, bashing things (evidently ‘male’ activities/play — quite obvious as he had a female twin which highlighted the differences).
Have always also suspected some kind of neurodivergence (again thrown into sharper relief against his twin sister who clearly hasn’t struggled socially as he always has and still does). Over past few years he’s concluded for himself after doing lots of tests online (and from feedback from peers) that he is likely “on the spectrum” (his words). Never sought any kind of diagnosis as he’s functioned just fine. Until…
About 18 months ago he became increasingly withdrawn and depressed and stopped engaging in things, going out, finding happiness in any activity. Eventually he stopped going to school, although bright (had already been flagged as having social anxiety so teachers didn’t call upon him to speak in lessons).
Wouldn’t share what was up with anyone. I suspected immediately it would be related to his sexuality. He wouldn’t say what the school refusal was about or the general low mood, often totally non verbal. Wouldn’t share despite heartfelt reassurances of love and unconditional acceptance. As I’ve always prided myself on being a “right on” parent who models acceptance I found this personally really hard to deal with. Tried all kinds of approaches to communicate (as I have always tried to model) that home is a safe space to be whoever he is, he knows I’m openly bisexual so not homophobic and he certainly doesn’t know my views around trans issues. He hasn’t even opened up to his twin sister, although they’ve always been close and this has caused a disconnect between them that is pretty heartbreaking to witness.
He hasn’t been attending school for a year now, he goes in only to take in work and see well-being officer / SENCO and does schoolwork online. Naturally I took him to GP (he wouldn’t say a word) who referred to CAMHS, who concluded it’s a specialist issue (related to identity) so he was referred to a local charitable trust (rainbow flag, stating prounouns type thing).
The waiting list for this organisation is long. It’s been 6 months so far. He’s refusing all other help — counsellors etc. and it seems he’s determined to wait for this trust to assign him a keyworker.
Recently he did disclose to me in an outburst that he is trans, he wants to pursue a full transition to being a woman. My first response was thank you for telling me, I love you and you’re always safe to tell me anything.
Now I’ve come away to quietly panic about what all this means. He has threatened suicide a few times over the past year and I’m painfully aware that even though this is a long post it doesn’t give a fraction of the nuance of all of this.
He’s told me that he doesn’t think the neurodiversity is a factor and he is clearly pinning his hopes on a transition and is waiting for this charitable trust to work with him with that as an end goal. It’s not like he has suddenly decided to open up and is continuing to share with me – he says that he does kind of regret having disclosed to me that he is trans. We’ve gone back to the low-verbal stalemate limbo of the past year.
To compound matters my ex is pretty homophobic/transphobic (actively using slurs etc and citing cultural reasons).
To reiterate, I honestly do want him to feel safe in his own space, and safe to be whoever he is… but he’s 15. the reason I am referring to him with male pronouns still is because he has told me that until he feels safe to come out and transition slowly, there’s no point in referring to him by other pronouns. He will NOT use his name and we’ve had the farcical situation for a year where we call him “You” and do mental and verbal acrobatics to avoid using his name. I did ask him if he knows what his “new” name is, and he said he does but he wasn’t prepared to disclose it to me.
ironically his twin sister went through a ‘trans’ period at around 13 during the pandemic. She was a bit more vocal and even asked for puberty blockers which I laughed off. I did the “that’s nice dear, I love you” thing and she came through it after about 6 months and is now thriving and doing well, but this feels much more serious with her twin.
Any advice is welcome please 🙏