Should I be worried about my mum? Trans partner

[OK2023]

Not posted on this board before, but there seems very few places to talk openly about these things anywhere.

Anyway - I just was reading through some of the transwidows posts and thinking about my mum's situation...

So she's been with her partner since my parents divorced, nearly 30 years ago. Her partner has always been enormously anti-social, to the point where he has lost all connection with any friends or even family members. They now live in a place where they are extremely rural and isolated. Their two sons have just left home to study in the nearest city, and so my mum and partner are now totally alone most of the time.

A couple of years ago, they came to a family funeral and it became immediately obvious that her partner was living as a woman - no mention of this was ever made by anyone. Her partner has been looking increasingly feminine for a long while but he now had quite obvious breasts, painted nails etc.

I had to confront my mum in the end as it became clear that no one was ever going to mention it - and their two sons we're also in the dark totally. Turns out he had been dressing as a woman for eight years and taking hormones, and neither of them had the courage to talk to anyone about it - not even their sons who they were living with.

My mum told me she's come to terms with it, and I figure that is her business. I am behind them both. But I suppose my concern is what goes on behind closed doors. She is extremely passive and essentially will put up with anything to avoid conflict.

The changing genders bothers me a lot less than the secretive nature of this whole thing. The fact that my mum's partner can be so passive-aggressive it is quite scary - sometimes totally normal, other times spitting hateful words under his breath. Never anything violent, but somehow growing up in their household was not comfortable.

I don't really know what I'm asking tbh. I know very little about this whole thing - I only wondered whether there were any other women who recognise this particular story in themselves that might help me understand what's happening, and if there's anything else I can be doing to support my mum besides supporting her partner's transition into a woman. I don't know why but can't help but feel concerned about her.

I'd be concerned about your two half brothers too.
I'd hope they have the support they need to help them through the fact their dad may be demanding they call him "mum" and presumably your mum will be expected to be considered a "lesbian" at the behest of this person.

Are you aware of AGP?

There are support groups, maybe look a few up?

I should imagine all the extra hormones won’t be easy to live with.

I would ask her if she’s happy? Surely that’s your first concern? If not - how can you help her escape?

Why do you want to support your mother's partner's transition into a woman?

Look up AGP. It sounds to me like your mum is being abused.

@Circumferences No ?

AGP is autogynephilia.

Autogynephilia is defined as a male's propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a female. It is the paraphilia that is theorized to underlie transvestism and some forms of male-to-female (MtF) transsexualism.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22005209/#:~:text=Autogynephilia%20is%20defined%20as%20a,-female%20(MtF)%20transsexualism.

If I google AGP nothing comes up ... I've got a child blocker on the internet, presume it is something sexual (maybe I don't want to know!)

You DO want to know! I mean, you should know.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blanchard%27s_transsexualism_typology

@OK2023 as a heads-up, the concept of Autogynophelia (and other aspects of Blanchard & Bailey's work) has been pretty substantially discredited in a lot of circles, and is often promoted on platforms and by groups that are anti-trans (see the bottom part of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blanchard%27s_transsexualism_typology)

Contrapoints (great youtuber, makes a lot of vids on trans topics that are both entertaining and well-researched) has a good video on the flaws in their theory that I'd thoroughly recommend https://www.youtube.com/@ContraPoints/videos

As a friendly heads up, AGP was widely recognised up until very recently when a powerful lobby of affected individuals campaigned to have it classed as a 'dysphoria', or indeed a natural state of thinking one is different from one's assigned birth sex, rather than a paraphilia.

Women (wives and partners) of men behaving much like your mother's partner very much recognise the condition as a paraphilia and as harmful to them.

Harms include being made to be part of a sexual fantasy that repulses them, having the individual affected spend scarce household money on a range of products, drugs and surgeries, and even abuse when one does not play along.

Oddly, the individuals affected mostly associate being female with clothing rather than doing wife work and taking on the other gendered attributes that girls socialised to be feminine or women take on in different forms (such as being passive like your mum).

The TRA lobby does not like us talking about this.

You can read more here

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues

This is the fifth of five threads written by women like your mum.

I do suggest you read it and possibly even post to find ways of helping your mum.

Second the recommendation to read the trans widow threads. An established community here.

OP, transwomen are not keen on your finding out about AGP.

Ugh, your poor mum.

Contrapoints (great youtuber

🤣🤣 good one.

OP, AGP exists because there are plenty of trans people who accept that they have it. It’s important your mum is made aware of it as a possibility so if it’s applicable she can decide if she wants to partake in a man’s fetish for the rest of her life.

AGP is the dirty secret of the trans world, specifically male to female. This is often where the difference between make to female vs female to make sits.

The trouble is that there are trans women who admit to having it, so it kind of blows up the claim that it doesn't exist, by those who know full well it does, but want to sell the idea that being trans = being some kind of asexual, non threatening angel.

On a separate note, I may be reading it wrong, but it sounds as though he's quite controlling, aside from this issue. If he loved and cherished her would he have treated her the way he has done? Her being passive and a people pleaser us a reason for him to be nicer to her, not an invitation to speak to her like crap.

Thanks everyone for your help

A common theme is men running up debts/ borrowing in the property in order to pay for hormones, clothes, make up, wigs etc. Your mum could be financially trapped.

OP I've got an extremely passive mum too. Just bear in mind that she may not be able to leave her partner, even if she is unhappy and that will be frustrating. But definitely a support group sounds like a great step, to at least meet other women I her situation.

@NotBadConsidering

Contrapoints (great youtuber

🤣🤣 good one.

I know, right? Contra has been thoroughly discredited as a source of good information on the topic!

Contrapoints (great youtuber, makes a lot of vids on trans topics that are both entertaining and well-researched)

Well, I suppose so, if propaganda, outright lies, ill informed nonsense and entirely unevidenced claims presented as fact are the sort of thing you like.

Just to add a vote for the excellent Trans Widows thread, and to mention that it also has a link to the TransWidowsVoices website, which is the best resource imaginable for anyone in your mum's (or indeed your) situation. I'm a complete luddite who doesn't know how to link these things, but what you need in this circumstance is solid facts (based on real experience of being in your mother's position) and not propaganda (from people like your stepfather), and both the Trans Widows Threads and the website have this in spades. I wish you both the best of luck with this.

Anybody with eyes can see that AGP is real, it's all over the bloody internet, just search #trans or #girlslikeus on twitter, and that's before you even look at the testimonies of the many wives and partners who have been coerced into participating in it.

You have a nerve coming into a feminist board and saying women's experiences are not real.

Also, linking to AGPs saying AGP is discredited is unconvincing to say the least.

This is an excellent summary.

Have you read Grayson Perry's memoir? It is very good. In it he explains the feelings and motivations behind cross dressing ( AGP) very well and with great honesty.