Should I be worried about my mum? Trans partner

[OK2023]

Not posted on this board before, but there seems very few places to talk openly about these things anywhere.

Anyway - I just was reading through some of the transwidows posts and thinking about my mum's situation...

So she's been with her partner since my parents divorced, nearly 30 years ago. Her partner has always been enormously anti-social, to the point where he has lost all connection with any friends or even family members. They now live in a place where they are extremely rural and isolated. Their two sons have just left home to study in the nearest city, and so my mum and partner are now totally alone most of the time.

A couple of years ago, they came to a family funeral and it became immediately obvious that her partner was living as a woman - no mention of this was ever made by anyone. Her partner has been looking increasingly feminine for a long while but he now had quite obvious breasts, painted nails etc.

I had to confront my mum in the end as it became clear that no one was ever going to mention it - and their two sons we're also in the dark totally. Turns out he had been dressing as a woman for eight years and taking hormones, and neither of them had the courage to talk to anyone about it - not even their sons who they were living with.

My mum told me she's come to terms with it, and I figure that is her business. I am behind them both. But I suppose my concern is what goes on behind closed doors. She is extremely passive and essentially will put up with anything to avoid conflict.

The changing genders bothers me a lot less than the secretive nature of this whole thing. The fact that my mum's partner can be so passive-aggressive it is quite scary - sometimes totally normal, other times spitting hateful words under his breath. Never anything violent, but somehow growing up in their household was not comfortable.

I don't really know what I'm asking tbh. I know very little about this whole thing - I only wondered whether there were any other women who recognise this particular story in themselves that might help me understand what's happening, and if there's anything else I can be doing to support my mum besides supporting her partner's transition into a woman. I don't know why but can't help but feel concerned about her.

Indeed. I don't know how old you are OP or how much lurid literature you consumed in your child/teen years, but in the 80s/90s, even though I was young, I definitely had an understanding of the types of men who dress up not because they are "innately women" but because it's a fetish. As a woman I've certainly never been turned on by putting on a pair of fucking stockings but even the most mild mannered of them (like Debbie Hayton, I think it is) will go on at length about it. The normalization of trans and the commercial availability of hormones have made this sort of heterosexual kinkster much bolder and more common than before. I believe there are men with genuine gender dysphoria but the number of "lesbian" transwomen suggests they are vastly outnumbered by those whose identity have been formed by pornography and kink.

While I doubt your mother is in physical danger from this man, who knows where she is at emotionally with all of this. Even if he hadn't grown a pair of tits he sounds like sullen, grumpy and difficult partner who has helped socially isolate her. I'd call her often and invite her out to lunch when I could. Maybe she's miserable and needs help getting out, maybe she really has "made her peace" considering they've been together for so long, either way if I were you I'd feel better communicating and knowing for sure.

Ignore all this. Listen to the women who have to live with it rather than the men who deny it.

Well, I prefer to listen to the lived experience of trans widows, actually.
Real women, with real lives, and those lives have been decimated by their sexual fetish partners.

AGP has also been called 'the love that dare not speak its name'.

That's because the thrill is BEING a woman, and other people treating like a woman, so admitting you're a man with a fetish spoils it all.

TheShellBeach · Today 16:11

Sorry, I thought that one was the pro TWAW bloke!

I am completely mixed up now- sorry!

I think Contrapoints IS the TWAW bloke so I misunderstood (I think).

TheShellBeach · Today 16:38

I think Contrapoints IS the TWAW bloke so I misunderstood (I think).

Hmmm... we're all confused today!

@OK2023 You're weclome - if you're interested I can recommend a few other trans youtubers in case that helps give you a broader perspective, but otherwise I wish you and your family all the best.

You're clearly an empathetic individual who wants to look out for the people your love and I think that's admirable - obviously I cannot agree with a lot of what's been posted above (and would caution against internalising their assumptions about your mother's partner's motivations), but for different reasons I agree with @Backstreets that spending time with your mother and her partner is a good idea.

As a point of clarification, Backstreets mentioned spending time with her her mum. Alone. It’s clear from the initial OP that there are worrying signs of abuse present.

This is the sort of gaslighting that there's every chance to OP's Mother will have been subjected to.

You say their 2 sons have only just left home to study;

"Turns out he had been dressing as a woman for eight years and taking hormones," so it is just not possible "their two sons were also in the dark totally. " While living in the same home they must have seen the breast development , womens clothes, nails etc.

Not talking about it doesn't mean they didn't know.

@FriendlyNeighbourhoodTrans Thanks for sending, I did have a look at the youtube channel, it was entertaining although it was obvs it is all very opinion based. I also looked at AGP and clearly it is something that exists - however I'm not convinced that this is the motivation for all transgender women.

Mostly I just think it's ridiculous that we have to creep into anonymous mumsnet threads to have discussions like this.