DH has peaked

[whoami24601]

DH has always agreed with me about the sex/gender debate and we've had many discussions about it. However the last few weeks he seems to have completely peaked. He has been watching documentaries and sending me links to stuff I might not have seen. All this is great but now he seems to have gone full TERF all over his social media! As a GC feminist this should make me so happy (though I'm not 'out' yet) but it actually makes me feel really uncomfortable. I can't work out why though. Most of his friends seem not to be engaging but one family friend (the reason I'm not out!) has quietly unfriended him. Can anyone help me to work out what my problem is and make my peace with it please.

You prefer the softly softly approach.
He doesn't mind being confrontational.
You don't want to fall out with friends over this.
He either doesn't mind, or doesn't realise this is a possibility.

You are suffering from the ‘Where were you in ‘82 when we were bottom of the league’ syndrome. I totally get it.

Lots of us have been alive to the issues for a good while now and taken a fair bit of heat for our views, while knowing we were in the right and watching our fellow feminists and Glinner et al have their lives destroyed. The Come-Latelies are annoying - there’s no risk they will lose their jobs or the police turn up on their doorsteps.

But it really is our issue to deal with, you can’t resent people for seeing the light. iIt is an unqualified good thing.

Hopefully loads of people are on exactly the same trajectory as your DH.

You are probably uneasy about the fact he is being more open about it more than anything, my husband has also peaked but he doesn't post on his social media about his feelings on it, he goes on forums like this and twitter like I do.
It's tricky as it's scary thought letting everyone know which side you stand when you have friends and jobs you could lose I'm in such awe of the women and men that are open about it but I'm too afraid to be sacked to use my everyday accounts.
I speak about it with women at work but only after I've gauged we are on the same page etc there are a lot of us I'm sure of it but yeah it's scary so that's why you feel uneasy but it's nice he's on the same page as you as well.

Also, it’s quite likely that, being a man, your DH won’t expect, and wont get the sort of pushback that you’d get if you did the same thing

I think there is probably no nuance in your DH's approach. He is in danger of vilifying people, rather than highlighting a flawed ideology.

It's like a lot of converts, he has evangelistic zeal.

On balance I would be glad that the scales have fallen from his eyes, even if it takes a bit of getting used to.

I understand why you’d feel this way but I think on the whole that it’s a good thing.

My husband agrees with me on nearly all points but isn’t as bothered about all this as I am and it drives me mad. He says I’m obsessed and need to stop being so angry about it all. I’d love it if he went full terf over social media 🤣

Im out to family and friends (and lost a friend over it) but not publicly as I’d probably lose my job.

Is it because men who say this don't get attacked for it and much as you wouldn't do this anyway as it's not your style, if you did it wouldn't be quietly ignored, instead you'd be vilified?

Male celebrities who have expressed GC ideas haven't had quite the same response as JK Rowling

I'm in the same position and of similar views to @HermioneKipper I am "out" but always in a way that tries to present nuanced argument and compassion. I walked away from one job because of having to manage a "woke" team which I couldn't do. I am about to start a new job. I am unable to lie however, it takes me into a deep depression, and therefore I am hoping not to have to confront this in my new role. Times are changing though, thanks to the early activists standing against genderism. We have so much to thank them for. I think as many people as possible now need to build momemtum back to the ordinary. Men, women, and having neutral spaces and approaches for anyone uncomfortable with that which is recognised and supported. Also leave kids alone!

Come out, start talking about it.

I've been out and fighting this since around 2008, when a trans woman invaded a women-only organisation I was part of. When I stood up and said this wasn't right I was ostracised by around half the people I had thought were my friends. Since then I've gather better, GC friends. There are several people I know who quietly assure me they're GC but just not ready to come out about it. They sit back smugly, letting me and all the other women who've dared to speak out publicly and show our faces at protests do the work. I have zero respect for them. They're taking the easy way out. Good on your husband.

I would love to be able to speak out publicly. But those of us with kids who think they are "trans" or even are just completely ideologically captured risk losing our kids. We hang in there, hoping that with maintained contact we can have some influence. If they become estranged, all is lost. It is so frustrating. I just write lots of letters and have a range of pseudonyms for different purposes.

Okay, Marina and OP and husband and all the other people who say they're GC yet do nothing — have you been to see your MPs (and your other political representatives if you're in Scotland or Wales)? Your children and work colleagues won't know about it if you do. Writing letters is the easy option and doesn't have any effect. A lot of MPs never see their mail, it's all handled by assistants who are usually appointed through the party and filter out anything they don't want the MP to see.

Here's what you do:
1 Google to find out who your MP, MSP or Senedd member is if you don't already know.
2 Google to find out when they schedule their surgeries (often Fridays or weekends) and whether they are drop-ins or you need to make an appointment.
3 Make an appointment. If you're asked to say what you want to talk about, keep it general: Education, health, whatever.
4 Focus on a small area of concern for your first visit. Maybe sports, which most people 'get', or if you have children at school, RSE. Do an hour's research, take evidence. Print up an article from a newspaper. Highlight the main points.
5 Express your concerns face to face. Ask questions — where do they stand, what do they think? Do they realise that when Keir Starmer makes a statement about 99.9% of women don't have penises he's saying that 40+k do? Make it clear you don't support gender ideology.

I know women who are spending hundreds, even thousands, of their own money to participate in events and take action in their attempt to support every girl and woman in the UK. People who buy or print up leaflets and then hit the streets to distribute them. People who take AL and pay train fares to go on protests or to conferences. People who put their necks on the line by speaking out at work and socially and run the risk of ostracism. The very least you can do is go to see your political representatives if you really care about this issue.

Good for him, OP! We need people to speak up fearlessly. An awful lot of people genuinely haven’t looked beyond the headlines (many of which, Guardian etc, give a shamefully biased view) or haven’t even read the headlines. Others may be scared to say anything for fear of abuse and accusations of bigotry. And others again have swallowed the rainbow-bullshit. Your DH could be helping many people see the emperor’s ‘new clothes’.

A man’s voice is particularly useful, as another effect of queer theory has been to undermine women. DH will not be seen as pleading for his own privacy and safety, but standing up for others.

Please give him a hug from me!

Are you uncomfortable because he's taken it on and taken over? Like, it's your baby but there he is out and proud about with it?

He was behind/alongside you, now pulled ahead.

As I was politely informed when I posted my "GC male" thread, here comes another man with all the answers.

Maybe you think he's gonna tell you how it is, despite you being ahead of the curve.

Maybe you're wary he'll become someone more judgemental than you.

I know that despite being GC, that I struggle with "all trans are perves" opinion holders.

I think it's this. And I would (and do) feel the same with my DP. Also, though I obviously agree with the overall sentiment and I'm glad my DP agrees with me, it's not always for what I consider as good reasons so when he brings the subject up around others who I don't know are GC, I'm worried about what he'll say.

I think this is just being a man! They are more likely to get enthusiastic, outraged or angry about things , and they express them with less circumspection.

I accept that I will probably be told off for sexism or some other thought crime.

My DH has followed a similar path , his moment came when his favourite sport was compromised by the TW competing in womens competitions. He’s busily converting all his friends and colleagues now. Thank heavens.

It's a bit like watching someone you care about stride confidently across a bridge that you know to be rotten planks held together with fraying ropes.

Maybe he's that eager puppy now become the crazy dog with a bone, lol.

Love that puppy, cover your eyes up now it's all grown up.

Good on him!

Good for you too.

We were talking about men and sport.

We aren't into it. I said my Dad was and it's a huge thing for many men, I explained how they get big time rage about cheats.

No, it's not at all. And you know it.

Good for him, we need more men out there pointing out the charade and taking the piss with humour (like Glinner) to get the majority of men on board.

What do you mean? "And you know it"? What? I'm not sure what you're trying to imply about me or my views.

Yes, the DP is somewhat protected by the fact that men seem to be allowed to say things that women are not. But if my DP was suddenly being very publicly vocal about an opinion he shared with me about a controversial topic, in a way which (because I've been following the topic more closely than him for a lot longer) I knew could potentially cause significant backlash that he might not be anticipating, with personal/social and professional consequences, and he didn't appear to be holding back at all, I'd be nervous.