Please help me pen a letter to school regarding my daughter TW/

[GCRules]

TW/ CSA

My daughter is 14.

She is on the SEN register at school for several reasons. She has massive food issues. She has anxiety. Depression. She goes through phases of school refusal.

She has had over a year of school counselling.
She's on the waiting list for 2 outside agency therapies.

She goes to art therapy for children on the autism pathway.

She has a CAHMS referral ongoing for food issues and autism/ADHD assessment referal.

She disclosed to the school last year that she experienced CSA in primary school. We've been through hell the last year.

She was very pink princess in childhood. From Highschool onwards she became a tomboy.

I believe this is a direct result of the CSA. She rebelled against her body and feminity because of what happened to her.

She is still waiting for CSA therapy, though I don't think she is ready to do it anyways.

So she is very androgynous in her dressing and she is attracted to both boys and girls.

In year 8 she had a non binary teacher. This influenced her greatly and she began talking about being NB.

When she started year 9 it ebbed off (new teachers, less influence) however she then made a new friend in year 10, a boy. However it turn out this is a trans boy, bio female.

The NB stuff starts up again

Months ago her teacher told me that she had been using a different name with her friends.

I'm planning on taking to DD this week, whilst she's at home on Easter holidays.

She knows I am GC and refuses conversations with me. But I need to air my concerns.

I also want to take it up with the school.

I want to write a letter outlining the reasons I do not want them to engage in DD being NB and to only use her birth name and female pronouns.

I believe this reaction to her body, growing into a young woman, is a direct link to her trauma, her questioning sexuality and her (undiagnosed) Autism.

I don't know where to start.

Also, I feel its important to state this school has THREE trans or NB teachers.

I was also told there are many children claiming to be under the trans umbrella in the school who refuse to tell their parents and school cannot, so they are living double lives inside school and out.

I will not allow my daughter to partake in that.

Sorry you are going through this.

I would try and keep it as short and to the point as possible and keep emotion out of it.

'DD is struggling with mental health and a possible autism diagnosis. As she is a vulnerable teenager I need the school to work with me on the following safeguarding requirements'

And then list the things you would like the school to agree to.

To whom it may concern,

We are aware that currently X is examining their gender identity, we are working with X at home with this.

We understand the schools stance on using preferred names and pronouns, however, we would request, given X’s complex support needs, that the school do not adopt this approach with X without input from specialist counsellors who manage the care of childhood survivors of abuse, as you are aware we are awaiting their input.

Regards……..

Whilst, yes, it is a little kicking the can down the road it does allow you some space to speak with your child and hopefully get some guidance from professionals.

I am not gender critical, I’m supportive of using preferred names and pronouns (hence my pronoun neutrality above) and am generally to be found in disagreement with the majority of things that are said on this board, however given the complexities of your situation I really do think there needs to be a fair amount of psychological support and knowledge in place before non professionals potentially muddy the waters for a very vulnerable young person.

Sorry I appreciate the time you've taken to write this but I don't agree with your first sentence. I don't lieve in gender identity. There's nothing to explore. She's a young woman. Nothing changes that, make up, no make up. Long hair, short. Skirt or trousers. Non of that has any bearing on the fact she is a girl.

She can explore her aesthetic, her look but she's still a girl.

Sorry I don't want this thread to become an argument on pronouns and gender identity.

I was asking for help penning my own beliefs. If you don't share these beliefs please take that to another thread as I'm dealing with enough here already.

My honest answer is to remove her from this school. Teachers are not there to discuss their own sexualities or identities. The fact that your DD has been influenced by a teacher who says they’re ‘non binary’ shows that the teacher is probably discussing this with her.
However, I’d wait until after Easter as the government claim to be bringing in some new guidelines for schools as a matter of urgency. You can then address your concerns in relation to these guidelines.

Hi OP, im not great at writing letters but I'd recommend you contact ourduty.group/ for help and support

PinkyU’s letter is a really good one. The first sentence doesn’t suggest you believe in anything. It just says you are actively aware of the situation .

Your daughter’s situation is really tough but I wonder whether your strong beliefs are part of the reason whe is doing this. Teenage rebellion / trying to be her own person?? Eating disorders are about control. Would you consider family therapy?

It is shocking that your DD (or any other pupils) even know that a teacher is non-binary. How might that come up on a lesson? What business is it of anyone else, other than the teacher themselves?

If there are trans teachers, then that might be obvious for a number of reasons, but this teacher must have stated to the pupils their non-binary preferences.

I would get my child out of this place if I were you.

Presumably the children know that the teacher is non-binary because they (the students) have been told to use Mx and a singular ‘they’ when referring to this teacher.

That was certainly the case for ‘Mx Drama Teacher’ at our school.

This.

And the MTF teacher you can clearly tell it's a man. Kids aren't stupid.

I can't remove her. She has a lot of support there. The SEN team are amazing. Her friends are all there. Her counsellor. All the other schools in the area are really crap. It's the best school in the area.

I think all schools are woke like this now. If I wasn't GC and aware I wouldn't have asked the questions that got me these answers about the school.

I'm sure most parents, her and elsewhere are blissfully unaware this is happening in their school.

I don't think it's just an issue here, but nationally.

I'm sure if I went to the other schools in the area and asked their Gender Policies they would be the same, support the kid, respect pronouns, support T satff for inclusivity

I feel like come May things are going to be different in schools anyways so th poster that said ride it out till May is probably right.

I'll probably have more governmental back up then.

On the Gov.uk site under parents rights and responsibilities it states that parents are responsible for naming a child and agreeing any change of name. It may be some use. However I would also include some of what you wrote in your initial post about the issues your daughter is having plus as the CASS review stated it is not a neutral act. Also contact Safe Schools Alliance about this (probably first) I had to contact them once and they got back to me quickly. Good luck.

You could actually just have left it with your first reply to me, it was a bit shortsighted but fair enough.

This ^ is the reason the GC movement stagnates. Even when someone from the other side is reaching out and seeing your perspective, actually supporting your perspective, you just can’t help yourself from from posting on the top of it.

Yeah you’re dealing with a lot, so are most people, myself included yet I took the emotional energy to empathise with you and offer help and your response is to tell me to go elsewhere, lovely(!).

However, because I’m not a cunt, I’ll point out that by simply removing one word (gender), you’ve got a well reasoned and to the point statement to send to the school (which they’d struggle to argue with).

(though I can’t help but cynically think you’d rather disregard good help for your own prejudice)

*pissing on the top of it

There was a post on Mumsnet a month or so back. A mother had it written into her daughters ECHP that no one could discuss or reference to transgender issues.
Maybe it’s worth looking at ?

@GCRules I would enclose a copy of the Interim Cass Review https://cass.independent-review.uk/publications/interim-report/

Highlight that affirmation is not a neutral act. Also highlight the diagram on page 57 showing the different outcomes. https://cass.independent-review.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/Cass-Review-Interim-Report-Final-Web-Accessible.pdf Emphasise conditions such as autism/ADHD can complicate children’s thought processes when going through puberty. This is compounded by the fact she has not fully processed the CSA

At present she is exploring her options and trying different paths on her way to finding her true self. Affirmation at this stage for your DD could box her in rather than giving her the freedom to explore.

I would definitely contact safe schools alliance for advice so that I had a plan of action after Easter.

Is there a reason you want to write rather than meet with the school (and of course them follow up what has been agreed by email)? Is there someone within SEND team you find most helpful or approachable?

If you prefer to write I would put something like…

Dear Teacher/Head

As you know DD has had some traumatic experiences over the last X years and continues to struggle with her mental health as well as possibly (probably) being neurodiverse. I understand from my previous conversations with you/her teacher that she is asking her friends to call her by a different name. She has also intermittently expressed thoughts relating to being transgender. DD is in a very vulnerable state and as her parent(s) I/we are keen to ensure she receives appropriate support and we appreciate the schools efforts in this so far.

To be clear though I/we wish to state formally that while being called a nickname by friends is absolutely fine should DD express to staff a wish to be known or recorded by a different name for school administrative purposes or by different pronouns I/we would like to be promptly informed of this so that meeting can be held with me/us, DD and school staff to address this.

I/we are aware from recent reports that some schools and teaching staff have been incorrectly advised that discussing a child’s wish to be known by a different name formally or by different pronouns than those correct for their sex should not be done. This goes against both guidance to schools from X and breaches basic principles of safeguarding children which all school staff will be cognisant of. As such we expect school staff to be open and honest with us as DD’s parent(s) if this should happen including if this is expressed during her counselling sessions.

I/we know that you also have DD’s well-being in mind which is why I/we appreciate your help in this.

Regards/yours sincerely wtc

GCRules

If you wanted to have a meeting with school I would offer that at the end of the email too

Just to add to my previous post that I am sorry both you and dd are dealing with so much. DS (10) is currently being assessed for autism and that alone is difficult trying to understand the world as he sees it and trying to learn and understand how to parent him without the additional things you are also dealing with.

I hope the school are supportive and that you and your dd get the support and help you need for her to recover and flourish.

Would you still think it was the ‘best school in the area’ if she ended up wearing breast binders, planning a mastectomy and called herself Bill because of the undue influence of her teachers?

You just couldn’t help yourself could you…

How in the world is one meant to pronounce 'Mx'?

I’d say I’m gender critical myself OP, however I think if you continue to be this inflexible you are in danger of damaging your child further.

Your thoughts are not her thoughts. She is entitled to explore how she identifies whether you like it or not. You are entitled to appose that, but if you do, you risk loosing her. And she really doesn’t need to loose you.

The PPs suggestion is sensible. I would urge you to reconsider your approach.

Don't be ridiculous. You know nothing about my child apart from a few sentences written here in a vast novel of her life and my time with her.

She is being influenced and I will not allow it.

I would point the school in the direction of the Interim Cass Report but also the NHSE draft guidance where it is proposed to consider social transition as a treatment which should only be supported for the under 18s under certain strict criteria including a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and under clinical supervision. (Page 15 here: https://www.engage.england.nhs.uk/specialised-commissioning/gender-dysphoria-services/user_uploads/b1937-ii-specialist-service-for-children-and-young-people-with-gender-dysphoria-1.pdf)

Name/pronoun changes are part of a social transition. Doesn’t the school really want to risk potentially going against advice from the NHS? Surely they should hold off until the final specs are released.

(that would be my argument anyway, but know from experience if a school has decided to dig their heels in they are unlikely to change position)